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Alrighty then...
What is wrong with me?! I have a guy that I used to really like alot that wants to date me and likes me alot apparently, and yet all I can think about is Chris and how fucking much I want him. Why am I doing this to myself?! Why do I want Chris so fucking much?! Why do I not want to date Mario?! I enjoy spending time with him and he makes me laugh and he's attractive, but why don't I want to date him?! He has 2 kids and is a wonderful dad to them, but what is it that is keeping me from wanting to fully be with him? I just don't get it. Maybe it's that it's more taboo for me to be with Chris because he is my brother's friend and coworker...I just don't understand. FUCK!
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It's Been A Little While
So, it's been a little while since I've posted on here, so I guess I'll update this with my most recent musings. So, the week before my brother and sister-in-law went to Iceland my brother's friend/coworker extended an invitation for me to come to his place. I hadn't really talked to him too much while they were gone because he was also in Vegas. Once my brother and sister-in-law got back, I came over like that same weekend. It was a very rainy Friday and somehow, even with it just being my brother and me, my sister-in-law and her brother and Chris; Chris and I ended up stuck inside alone together again. Like usual. He made a comment about us always being left alone together and me, being the dumbass that I am, shrugged it off and said, "yeah, I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, so I don't like being around it" LIKE WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK ALLISON?! Clearly he knows that isn't the ONLY reason. Chris isn't stupid. I then continued to ramble on and on about how I don't like going to alot of bars cause you never know when people are able to smoke in them and then you come home smelling like an ashtray. I was being incredibly awkward. I was so fucking nervous and then a huge awkward silence arose between the two of us for just a few minutes before my brother came walking back in. I greeted my brother by saying, " WELCOME BACK BRO!" As if that was going to make the awkwardness less awkward. Then later on, maybe like 10 mins later, I'm talking to Susan and I don't remember what it was about even, but I happen to glance over at Chris, who I see looking at me and biting his lip. OMFG! JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS SERIOUSLY TURNING ME ON RIGHT NOW! Just seeing him biting his lip like that while looking at me made me feel so wanted, like I was important and my God, I wanted to jump on him right then and there. Since that night, I really haven't talked to him much via text, but his body language has completely changed around me. About 2 months ago while at Martin House brewery we were left alone together and he stopped to talk to 2 girls he saw and his body language towards me was completely different. It wasn't fully closed off, but it definitely looked like he was uncomfortable standing there next to me. His body was facing me, yet his legs were crossed almost as if he wasn't open enough to me. Now, September 29th, the day after his 33rd birthday. I saw him walking into Rahr brewery to meet me and Susan and called him over to where I was standing. I paid attention to his body language and this time, his whole body was facing me and his hands were on his hips. He was feeling confident and I could definitely tell. I may have been tipsy at that point as well, but I know he was definitely flirting with me. Then, he let me know when he was walking off to get a beer and he got so much closer to me when Susan left us together. He was laughing and smiling real big and joking about how he doesn't dance. Then, once Susan came back he stepped back. I'm kind of excited to see how he will react to my Sailor Moon costume on Saturday. I'm gonna look so hot that he won't be able to contain himself. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.
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That Awkward Moment...
That awkward moment when you really want to sleep with your brother's friend/coworker, but you also kind of want him to see you in a different light than that. I guess that is partially my fault for telling him I enjoy giving blowjobs...maybe if I show him that I'm not the type of girl to do that for just anybody that it won't happen. If he wants anything from me, he will have to make the first move and that means I could be waiting for quite a while.
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So, I know my last post was about Blake, who is now married and tried playing things off saying he was black out drunk that night. Yeah, okay whatever Blake, I've watched you staring at me at parties, but this post isn't about Blake. It's about Chris and how I thought he would be different. Blake had told me after that night, that Chris wouldn't stop talking about me and how he thought I liked him. Blake tried to get me to admit that I liked Chris, but if I'm going to let anybody know it'll be Chris himself. So the fact that Chris kept talking about me, shows me that he liked me. Now, after a few conversations with him, I've confirmed that he's definitely attracted to me, but I'm not thinking it'll be very serious and I don't know how I will be able to handle that. He would flirt with me and I had seen him stare at my ass a few times. The other night though, that was completely different and it threw me off, but I guess that's usually how things go when you have guys as friends. They always seem to want you...no matter what way it is, they always want you. So we were having a conversation in my brother's group chat the other day and he brings up sex toys joking with Miranda. No big deal. Then I start talking about how it's best to pay full amount for them instead of buying them from someone else. He then asked me what sex toys I had. I replied with, "Chris, I'd tell you, but out of respect for my brother, I'm gonna sit this one out." We left it at that, until I messaged him on Snapchat about him being drunk. He then responded back with the same question from earlier, so since I'm a very open and honest person, I tell him the truth. Then the conversation moves on from there to talking about how guys don't have many sex toys, just hands and a mouth. I should have stopped him right there, but I was enjoying the conversation. We started talking about blowjobs versus handjobs. I said handjobs were useless and that you can have more fun giving blowjobs. He then asked me if I liked giving blowjobs, I said, "let's just say I become very enthusiastic." I shouldn't have said that. So, now he has extended and open invitation for me to show him how enthusiastic I can be. So, there's that. So, now I'm not sure what to think of him at this point. I feel like things are completely backwards in our friendlationship, or whatever you would call it. But, come on now, I'm not just suddenly gonna ger drunk while at my brother's house and follow you out as you are leaving to go back to your place just to suck your dick. Like, seriously?! Thanks, but no thanks. I'm better than that. It'd be one thing if we were already at your place, but how in the fuck am I supposed to get away from my brother and sister-in-law if I'm drunk and I usually stay at their house when I drink too much? Like would I just sneak out after you? Would I wait until they go to sleep possibly hours later? Do I have to walk to your place? Like wtf?! I'm not putting in all of this fucking effort for nothing dude. I think I'm just gonna have more fun with it and enjoy myself. I mean, I probably won't see him for another week at least. And if and when we get stuck in the house alone together, like we usually do, I'll let him do the talking and make things so much more fun just for me to sit there and let him do all the work next time. How you gonna make things so nonchalant and be all like, "well text me if you ever wanna come over" like wtf is that?!
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That weird awkward moment when your brother's best friend gets really drunk and decides it's a good idea to tell you that he has always been attracted to you while he has a girlfriend and he still continues to tell you that he will break up with his girlfriend just to be with you. Way to put me in a very awkward position dude. Seeing as I have always been attracted to you, but you have a girlfriend and morally it wouldn't be right. Man, I would totally do it if I didn't already know what it feels like to be cheated on. It's a shitty feeling, it causes you to feel completely inadequate. Almost like you just can't do anything right. It causes you to think that there is something wrong with you, yet deep down you know there is nothing wrong with you at all. Don't get me wrong, I would totally go for him IF he were single and IF I didn't think it could potentially ruin my brother's friendship with him. But, honestly, he's not the only friend of my brother's that I have liked or do like. I like Chris more than Blake and I used to like Derek, but I lost any and all attraction to him a long long time ago. But, Chris, he's new to the pack, and he's the different one. He's been married and divorced and understands that side of me. Had a nice hour long talk with him the other night and he said that I'm not a failure just because I went through a divorce and am struggling. I honestly think that was the sweetest thing someone could have said to me. I like Chris because unlike the rest of my brother's friends, he hasn't even tried to hit on me. Yes, I've seen him check me out and I know he thinks I'm attractive, but I like him because he hasn't tried to make a move at all, but has showed he is interested. But, Blake oh man, that was just so sloppy. It's one thing to let someone know you are attracted to them, but it's another to let them know when you are completely drunk and don't have your wits about you. But, like they say, "A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.”
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Alright Allison. I think its about time you break out of your shell and stop giving a shit what he thinks now. Stop letting him intimidate you. He knows you like him, but better yet YOU know HE likes YOU! You’ve got the advantage here whether he knows it or not. It’s about time you show him the REAL you. The you that has thrown every other guy to the wind. The you that every other guy can pick up on. You AREN’T oblivious. If he wants you in ANY way no matter what way that is, he is gonna have to fight for it. He has come very close to approaching you three times already, Walking up and standing next to you he thinks that it’ll make you approach him. Boy is he wrong. Walking up next to you and talking to the person you are talking to, no. Not gonna make me talk to you. You didn’t approach me. You ignored me. If I’m being ignored and avoided I’m gonna treat you in the exact same way. Treat me like shit, I’ll treat you in the exact same way. I know I’m worth it, you know I’m worth it. Stop acting like you don’t actually give a shit and just set your fucking pride aside. You think its a good idea to check me out constantly, but yet it’s not getting you anywhere with me. Zachary, it looks like you may have met your match bud. I’m hotter than hell and I KNOW IT. I’m a closet freak and that’s something you won’t know unless you step up and grow a pair. I may have only been with 3 guys but trust me, I know what I’m doing. I read ALOT as you may have seen in passing. It’s really all I ever do. But the things I read about you’d be very surprised and the things I like to do. Man I’m not sure if you could handle it all, but I’m not gonna hold back any longer. I’m gonna show you how I am.
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When you suddenly become very excited at the fact that a guy thinks you are attractive even after you've had a child and your entire body has changed b/c of it. Then you realize that he's seen you with your son and the fact that you have a kid doesn't seem to even affect him. Man I'm slowly getting more and more comfortable with the fact that he actually likes me. I'm becoming comfortable with the way that he greets me.
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That moment when you see him talking to a girl that looks like skeletor and showing interest in her I realized she HAD to walk up to him and start a conversation…she is pursuing him NOT the other way around. Yeah sorry not gonna give in but I will just have some fun once I get out of my shell…ehhh I’m thinking about it too much. When it comes to everybody else I just don’t care…I’ll be the same way towards him and he will like me better for it.
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That Awkward Body Language Dance
It's been a while since I've been THIS happy. I'm not even dating anybody and I'm happy. He KNOWS I'm single but that I'm not yet divorced. Not fully ready to date even just yet...or more or less scared to currently. We haven't really talked any but the fact that he stands outside the store with his whole body facing it just makes me like him even more. He seems so awkward when it comes to me and I find it absolutely delightful.
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The one thing I can't seem to get over
OMFG ZACH LIKES ME! HE REALLY FUCKING LIKES ME AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHY NOR DO I EVEN NEED TO FUCKING KNOW NOW! He has marked me as his territory to other guys and I love it. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT! I haven't been this happy in a very long time and that scares the living shit outta me! Just fully knowing that I deserve to be treated right and not like the shit I grew accustomed to over the last 6 years. It seems that I completely forgot who I was and how I deserved to be treated. I was walked all over, cheated on, and then once I finally start moving on he wants to work things out yeah sorry but that's NOT how this goes. You had the chance to fix things before 3 years ago before I ever met Zach. BEFORE I ever gave up on you. But now I've got guys lining up to be with me. Guys fighting for my attention. I've got a guy pulling other guys away from me even to show me that he wants me. And I feel AMAZING! I love it. I feel like I am gaining my confidence back finally after having it torn away and broken down. And I really gotta say I missed myself. I missed being loved and treated right. That's one thing I have noticed is that I get to do things at my own pace cause Zach really fucking likes me. Like ALOT apparently and I can't get over that. The best thing is he respects me. That's what I needed. To know that I am wanted, not that I am needed by someone but wanted. And by a guy like him man my life can only get better at this point.
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MAN OH MAN!
Idk how I’m going to get through this week without seeing him. I've gotten so used to driving up to the mall just to kill time and wander around trying to find him, but this week will be different. I'm determined to have him chasing after me especially since I know he has a slight jealous streak in him when it comes to other guys even possibly showing interest in me. I just need to remember that if this goes the way that I plan that I should have him by the end of this week. But man I thought I liked him to begin with but having him set his pride aside and be the bigger man and thank TJ for his service, that just made me want him even more. I've gotta hand it to him, he certainly knows how to woo a woman without even m ?? to them but boy is he in for a ream treat with me. The most I m he knows about me is that I am a mother and that TJ is the father. I really just want to get him thinking about me, seeing as I can kinda tell he is keeping his options open but he has already slipped up by taking Ulysses away from me and then walking back by and checking me out as if he had no shame in claiming me as his own. But oh my GOD was that hot! I'm sure he knows the effect he has on me which is why this is so important for me to do. He needs to see that no, the effect he has isn't as good as he thought...and make him really wonder what I'm up to...I need to know that he's thinking about me enough to approach me and ask for my number, or at least try to get to know me. This is gonna drive me crazy but I know that I can do it.
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That funny moment when she's too butthurt and bent out of shape to post that she's no longer in a relationship on her fb page cause he left her for his wife...dumb bitches don't learn.
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So made a sort of friend with another security guard yesterday and I'm really hoping it's not gonna end up being one of those creeper situations cause he's 45 and I'm 25...and I may let him know that I have a crush on Zach too...cause man he's hot! He is my in to him and I can't screw this up at all.
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So the other day I was working and just sampling my teas and Zach was walking by. I looked at him well in his general direction and suddenly I see his arm get thrown up into the air and he's waving at me. ME! HE WAS WAVING AT ME! The only thing I could do was smile. I didn't know if it was just him being friendly or what but man was my heart pounding like crazy fast. On another hand, I think I'm finally ready to move on from all of this stupid BS that I have been put through. I want to reach out and find out more about Zach. I like him and I wonder what he thinks of me. Or even if he thinks anything. I don't ever like being one of those girls who comes on too strong. That just creeps me out.
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OMFG! THIS IS GONNA DRIVE ME FUCKING CRAZY! I've got a crush on a Security Guard here at the Hulen Mall and I feel like a fucking creep ass Googling him! Why do I do this shit?! AHHHHH!
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I just don't understand what would possess someone to think that dating someone else's husband is perfectly okay...like for one don't you realize that you are being compared to his wife? Or is that what you like? Do you like not realizing that you are being manipulated and lied to and disrespected? Or maybe that's what you like. Idk...I just don't understand it. Are you really THAT desperate to be in a relationship that you have to steal someone else's husband and ruin his entire family? Like come on. Are you purely THAT selfish that you would allow him to continue treating you the way you KNOW you don't deserve to be treated? Like seriously sweetie, do you not know you are being emotionally abused? I mean seriously you posted a PSA all about it. You SHOULD be able to tell the fucking difference! WAKE UP!
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