antihero1997 - Tumblr blog

[antihero1997]

me @ myself: hey like just because you see a cool looking person on twitter doesnt mean you have to hyperfixate on them to the point where you're considering getting a septum piercing just because they have one..... st op

[antihero1997]

just thinking about this time last year and how I was in the middle of a year out that was really quite mixed in different ways. I was so unhappy during 2016 but so many things wouldn't have happened if I had gone to uni last september, like I wouldn't have met many of my friends who are so dear to me, and wouldn't have experienced things that have moulded me into who I am. it was around this time last year that I shaved my head, and I remember being so unwell mentally, I had lost all hope in my future. but I realise now, after starting uni and being given a purpose again, that it was largely due to being a slacker and a complete wreck head for a year that contributed to the deterioration of my mental health. I was scabbing off my parents and friends to get by, drinking 7 days a week and living recklessly and unhealthily. all the days and weeks just merged into one big stretch of time because everyday was spent sitting around, feeling shit and doing nothing. I could see my parents getting increasingly more frustrated with me every minute. but I don't regret taking that year out in the slightest because again, I met so many great people along the way that I now wouldn't be able to live without. I just have so many mixed feelings about 2016 and I know it will be the one year of my life I will never forget, for both good and bad reasons. I think about last year a lot, I get so nostalgic about it even though I'd hate to relive it again

[antihero1997]

I’m so hurt and angry

[antihero1997]

[antihero1997]

someone: hey, are you ok?

me, beating my compulsive need to overshare with a stick: im fine, why do you ask?

[antihero1997]

my housemate's having a baby and I'm just here like, ah yes...I look about 12 years old yet I'm 19...I'm going through a second puberty soon so technically I'm still some kind of weird adult-child....I love my life

[antihero1997]

*hitting depression with a stick* i have to pass this class

[antihero1997]

I want things to be okay. I want to be okay. It’s all I ask, I’m so tired

[antihero1997]

someone: what's wrong?

me, torn between the need to overshare and the fear of people Knowing about me: um

[antihero1997]

cried a lot today but feeling slightly more positive now. it’s going to take time and loads more pain but I know eventually I will be over him, and that this is definitely for the best. I’ll move onto bigger and better things and become a happier person without him. he’s not everything, my life doesn’t revolve around him. I am my own person and I deserve happiness 

[antihero1997]

the weird thing about break ups is that it doesn’t sink in that you’re no longer together for a very long time. it’s like one minute you’re together, the next you’re not. one minute, you’re kissing and holding hands, the next it’s stone cold hostility. how are you supposed to go from one mindset to the other in such quick succession

[antihero1997]

me: please don't panic and overanalyze things again

brain: how bout i do a n y w a y

[antihero1997]

something might be happening that I never thought would happen, ever

when I got the letter from the laurels saying I’d been discharged my mum was there and I completely broke down in front of her, I’ve never cried so hard in my entire life, I couldn’t even talk properly. and I think in that moment my mum realised how desperate I actually am, and how badly this whole situation is affecting my mental health. so she said to me the next day that if the laurels fucked me about, she’d be willing to pay for me to go private. I could be on hormones by the end of this year, perhaps even before september. I can’t believe it. she said “no matter what happens we’re going to get the ball rolling now” and she has fucked up in the past and still makes mistakes but I love her so fucking much for that, I honestly don’t think she cares anymore about the money, she’d be willing to pay hundreds of pounds for me simply because she wants me to be happy and I don’t know how to handle it. the thought of hormones being only two appointments away, it’s incomprehensible.

[antihero1997]

what i say: im sensitive

what i mean: my mental illness throws everything out of proportion and my emotions are extremely unpredictable and even the slightest thing going wrong literally makes me want to die

[antihero1997]

why do I get infatuated with people when they give me the slightest bit of attention

[antihero1997]

me: remembers im not the only person my Favourite Person talks to

The Disorder: let’s make like a banana and Split

[antihero1997]

nobody can hate you more than you hate yourself