antlerqueefs

[antlerqueefs]

When I’m crying my beloved will sometimes scrunch up their face in disgust and slowly inch their face toward mine. They’ll stick out just the tip of their tongue and gently lick my tears.

The saltiness always makes them splutter unhappily. It cheers me up every time.

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At this point in think that D&D has more ardent support than lutheranism. And it's adherents are somehow even more annoying.

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[antlerqueefs]

I'm the guy who goes under rain clouds and pokes holes in them with a long stick to get the water going

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genuinely wild to me that my entire job is being on the phone now. when i moved from my factory job into the office management side i had panic attacks over every phone call. once i had to call a a sales representative for one of our suppliers and left a voicemail for this man (named sam) where i very loudly began with “Hi, Ham!” and i froze for a solid 15 seconds of stomach-to-asshole terror before i hung the phone up with audible force. and that was the day my supervisor told me through tears that if you press the pound key at the end of your voicemail instead of hanging up it gives you the option to re-record.

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[antlerqueefs]

my coworker accidentally doordashed 8 baja blasts #bounteousblasts

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Today I was trying to chat up this girl standing with her friend at a lesbian bar and said “oh are you two together?” meaning were you friends before being next to each other at this bar and one turns to the other and goes with all the venom of a black mamba snake “I don’t know Cara, are we?” and I was like you know what? not my table

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*licks finger and tastes the air* my fallout game is about to crash

[antlerqueefs]

something vindictive but ultimately harmless I do at work is that if you’re at my register and you’re rude to me and you pay with cash I am finding the most disgusting desolate fucked up unspeakable coin I can to give to you. oh you were mean to me? you’re getting the yucky nickel bitch

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*clears throat* Hey my friends, I attended a bee wedding this past weekend. I bet you would like to know how was it.

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"the early 2010s were better" no they weren't. "hey soul sister" was on the radio.

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I’ll miss you

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I hate when there's no toilet paper coming out the bottom of these gentlemen and you have to tickle its nutsack to de-piss yourself

[antlerqueefs]