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[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Admission

I need help because I push away every single person who ever cares about me because I don’t understand how they could possibly care about me. I am left with literally only two people in the world that I care about and I can feel their patience is running thin and if I lose them then I don’t know what else I have to live for.  I go through weeks of being on top of the world, happy, feeling like my life is all under control, then I go through phases where I don’t want to be here, I can’t even pull myself out of bed or look at myself in a mirror, but when I am in a down state I withdraw and I’m too upset to do anything about it, and when I’m happy I convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me, that everything is fine and under control, that I don’t need help because it won’t happen again, but then it does. It can be the simplest of things that set me off, things that have no meaning or importance to anyone else, the slightest action that makes me feel worthless and replaceable, anything that reminds me of how my mum used to make me feel on a daily basis. Even though my mum tries a lot harder with me now the simplest thing such as her making lunch for everyone else and not me because she forgot what time I finished work can set me off into a destructive state, because it makes me feel how I used to always feel and reminds me of reasons I have not to like her. I was always told that my friends weren’t actually my friends, and that they were only talking to me and including me to be nice, that nobody could ever actually like me, and now no matter how much somebody tells me they are there for me and that they won’t leave me I cannot believe them and I’m always looking for reasons that they are leaving, ultimately pushing them away and making it true. I went through years of crippling social anxiety, to the point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone, or make direct eye contact and I thought that once I got over this my issues would be solved, little did I know that this was just the layer covering them, and that there is actually so much more. I’m at a loss for what to do, I’m holding myself back from opportunities I have always dreamed of. I’m unwilling to let people into my life because I am constantly paranoid that everyone has an interior motive and actually hate me. Those people I am close to I rely upon too much and scare them away through the upset and stress that being friends with me brings with it and this is not a life that I can live anymore. I tried anti-depressants and they just made me cry more than I do already, I tried counselling, but I didn’t find it easy talking to or clicking with the woman I was seeing, I just don’t know what else to do.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Your’e taking up a fraction of my mind

Every time I watch you serpentine

I’m tryin’ not to think about you

With my feelings on fire

Guess I’m a bad Liar

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

The Unknown

I’m in a constant state of the in between, where I don’t even know how I feel. I think this is the first time I have felt rejection, in the sense that it hurts enough to break me. The first time it has come from someone I put my entire world into, and I know this was only a friendship, but to me everything is a big deal. Brooklyn and Wren were the only two people in this entire world that I would trust with my life. I do not open up to people easily, mainly through the fear of judgement, but with them I have always felt comfortable. Brooklyn has been my rock this year, someone I thought I would be lucky enough to call a friend forever, someone on and by my side. So yes I am taking this hard. When the only relationships you have are your friendships, with no family bonds to fall back upon things hurt a lot more. I’m too quick to see the best in people and this leaves me in this position to get hurt. Wren told me not to trust her, that it wouldn’t end well, but I didn’t listen, and she was right. Brooklyn was like the sister I had longed for but never had, she was everything I needed and we enjoyed time together. Knowing that this can no longer be my life makes me react as if someone has died. I am genuinly grieving. and I know that sounds ridiculous. But to me I feel this is effecting me worse than I would be efected if a family member did die. Everywhere I go I am reminded of our friendship. I cant walk through the town I call my home without seeing places we used to hang out, I can’t bring myself to move the glass of water she left in my room, I feel as though a part of me has died. I can’t cope at the moment, I need an escape but I have no where to escape to. One second I convince myself I am fine and I am more angry, and the next second I am in floods of tears. Why am I letting myself get upset when I know none of this is bothering her in the slightest and there is nothing I can do to change a thing. I’m at a loss.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Inspiration

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

What we have in common is that when life gets really hard we feel great amounts of pain, or when we feel great amounts of joy, we turn to music and that’s why we’re all here in this room tonight. And um speaking about great amounts of pain, um from talking to you so much I’ve never been so sure that it’s treacherous and difficult to be happy in 2015. I think that navigating your life, navigating your self esteem, your self-image, I think that’s harder than it’s ever been before, and I think it’s because every day, and trust me I love the internets ok, I love the good parts of the internets. But there’s also this dark side of how we’re all so, it’s so available to us to see the highlight reel of someone else’s life. All the pictures of when they look the most awesome and when they’re on some great trip, or they’re having the best time ever at a party, and you get like. In your own life you’re seeing the behind the scenes not just a highlight reel you’re seeing like when you get out of bed in the morning and you’re like oh god this is not a good hair day, this is not going good today, how are we going to fix this? Or, you’re like you feel like you don’t know where you’re supposed to go with your life or you just went through the most horrible sense of rejection because someone you know they spread a rumor about you that wasn’t true. You’re seeing all these angles of your own life and then you compare it to other people’s lives when you don’t see what they’re going through. You just see the good parts of what they’re going through. Am I right? And so I say to you when you start to compare yourself to other people please change the channel in your mind to something else because I think that when it comes to how we see ourselves, other people are really mean, but we’re really mean to ourselves. And so it’s easy to get confused. And when you do get confused um, and you start feeling like you’re not special, or you’re not different, or you have nothing important to say, we all feel like that sometimes. What I want you to do right now, if there’s one thing you remember from tonight, remember what I’m about to say. You need to look into the mirror in the morning and not tell yourself that you’re not special or you’re not good enough, you’re not pretty or you’re not awesome. I’m going to tell you right now the things you actually are not Ok? These are the things you really are not. You are not the opinion of somebody who doesn’t know you. You are not damaged goods just because you’ve made mistakes in your life. You are not going nowhere just because you haven’t got where you want to go yet. Those are the things you actually are not, now I want to tell you what you are. You are your own definition of beautiful and worthwhile, that’s what you are. You are someone who is wiser because you made mistakes, not damaged, wiser. You are somebody who could be at this moment right now sitting there there there there there there there you are going through whatever you are going through in your life that’s stressing you out or confusing you and making you feel upset. But you got out of bed, and you put on an awesome outfit and you came to a concert and now we are all having the best time ever on a Wednesday night. You know it’s not about perfection, it’s about just getting on with things sometimes. Sometimes you just get credit for getting up and going on with things, you don’t have to do it perfectly. And I think that we mistake our mistakes for damage and we think other people will judge us for them. But I want you to know that the way I see mistakes, they don’t make you damaged – they make you clean

Taylor Swift (Manchester 24-06-15)

#clean

(via fearlessswiftieabi13)

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Conversations

No matter how well a conversation went with somebody, you always replay that conversation in your head, fearing that you may have said something wrong. That’s why you try and avoid confrontation at all costs. 

This constant rewinding seems to be able to haunt you until it starts chipping a hole from the inside. You always have to remind yourself that your anxiety is taking over and there is probably nothing wrong with what you have said in the first place.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Feeling out of place even when people like or accept you.

Anxiety

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

No Reply

When communicating with people, be it your significant other, a friend or a relative, if they don’t respond straight away you start thinking you have done something wrong. 

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Compared to Others

Although you may not want to compare yourself to others, your anxiety makes you scour through facebook and stay up to date with all the successful things your peers have done.

Your worries are not that they have managed to succeed, but if you are ever going to succeed like they have.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

Stay in Bed

Anxiety burns up most of your energy, both mentally and physically. That’s why it can happen that you cannot function properly and you just want to remain in bed and leave yourself to drown in the sheets. 

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

So when are you going to get help ?

There’s nothing wrong with suggesting people with anxiety go and get professional help if you think they need it. 

But don’t be pushy with them after the fact.

Therapy can be a very invasive process and it’s important people only begin when they’re ready.

[anxiouslyanonymous-blog1]

They trust only a few

A common sign of depressed people is that though they will have tons of friends, they will trust only a handful. They might act like social butterflies but deep inside, they feel lonely. Only few hold their confidence.