anxmone

[anxmone]

WOOYOUNG ☆ 250421

[anxmone]

seonghwa ending fairy // ice on my teeth (241116)

[anxmone]

I don't like how I'm feeling

Today I realized I'm an emotional, jealous, territorial bitch.

My mental health reached a boiling point where I lashed out at people that I felt they didn't deserve it (?). But what can I do- I've been feeling the effects of erasure, like I don't exist within a confine of a group of people, it's not my fault I'm more introverted. I tried following the advice of "make yourself known" but it doesn't work, in fact, it probably makes me look desperate.

These past 72 hours I've spent them crying and having anxiety attacks when I shouldn't. In fact, this should have been a good few days for someone like me who is an Atiny since ATEEZ had a comeback that it's up my alley when it comes to aesthetics and musical sound but between buyers remorse and the feeling that's been bubbling for months finally reached the surface.

What do I mean by buyers remorse? It's simple. I purchased some items in the Hello82 pop-up in the city I live in and I didn't get anything I wanted- meanwhile I see people (acquaintances, friends, mutuals) getting what they wanted. spending hundreds of dollars to finish collections and getting the stuff they wanted and getting the:

reaction was a blow to my pride; because it was obvious that they were flexing, flexing that they got their biases and the collection they wanted, meanwhile me? I'm already feeling invisible and my Aries self kicked in, I want to compete but I can't- I don't have the funds to do so. I work a job that I'm being underpaid like a motherfucker and I have little to no support because I genuinely feel like I don't exist in that job and you think: Oh I can talk to my group of friends and feel like I belong but in fact, the feeling of being invisible is worse.

People in that group can spend hundreds of dollars buying things like merchandise, possibly the clothes or perfume their bias uses, "boy paper" and proving their worth and I can't do that- I barely have enough to survive and wanting to treat myself hurt me more than it should have.

It reached a point where I looked at my closet shelf this morning and looked at the items I got and started to cry. I spent money on something that didn't make me happy one bit, I want to sell what I got using a kpop selling subreddit but I don't think I can even do that. I tried going into a cup-sleeve event today (11/16) and no one was selling nor trading and I looked like a fool ONCE AGAIN.

While writing this, I realized I have experienced a similar situation before. When I was in my college years, there was a mutual who arrived into our friend group and immediately everyone flocked towards this person. They had an extravagant life, had money and because of their status, their words were like gospel and their presence was loud... like a nuke, no one could compete and slowly everyone became invisible and distant until many years later where bridges were mended since that person snapped and became insane.

Will history repeat itself? Fuck if I know- but I feel like I can't prove my love and worth for a kpop group like ATEEZ or being in a group of friend with simple appreciation and writing, in order to get noticed you need to be loud and spend money which I cannot do. I'm introverted and easily jealous. But lashing out like I did wasn't the right thing to do, especially when there were people who didn't deserve the lashing.

Although I apologized I still feel like shit.

And this feeling has been bubbling for quite a while where I lost inspiration to write, I lost my muse- my mojo and I can't get it back so if whoever is reading this was liking what I was writing, I am so sorry. I don't think I can continue like this.

[anxmone]

I lost motivation to write HAHA Dropping everything HAHAHA Fuck my life HAHAHAHAHA

[anxmone]

mclaren racing ltd, est. 1963

[anxmone]

life imitates art : max verstappen, singapore gp 2024 / monica belucci, malena 2000

[anxmone]

CHARLES LECLERC WINS THE 2024 MONZA GP

[anxmone]

multiple casualties, 1 dead

[anxmone]

[anxmone]

GOTTA WORK

*through gritted teeth*

GOTTA MAKE THAT MONEY MAKE PURSE

*starts crying*

GOT A FUR COAT SO I MAKE IT PURR

GOTTA GOTTA *sobs* GOTTA WORK

[anxmone]

Today is a sunny day.

[anxmone]

[anxmone]