anyssa181

[anyssa181]

“I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.”

— Sara Quin

[anyssa181]

vent #1

I just wanted a place where I could vent. I can't keep things inside anymore...I've tried talking about it, i've tried ignoring it, and i've tried doing something about it. nothing seems to work...so i'm just going to post something somewhere where i hope he wont read or find.

I've never really been one for sex...i mean don't get me wrong, it's a great thing. But for the longest time i didn't think it was important in a relationship. When i met him tho, i began to understand why it suddenly was. it wasn't just about the sex, it was the feeling of being wanted...being desired. knowing that you needed each other in that way. i think lately it just became a chore. like it's hard to find the time to do it anymore. he works nights and i work days. i mean like literal nights. he goes in at midnight...comes home at 8am...sleeps all day and then starts over. I work days like a normal job. usually its like 7 to 3ish maybe earlier if i can concentrate....which is really hard to do sometimes.

anyways, i think i'm getting off track. the point is...is that we haven't been that connected in a long time. i used to think that it was just because we've been on such opposite schedules...but it turns out that even on his days off...it's hard to find the time. his family needs him to run and errand...or our daughter needs something. don't get me wrong i love her. she's amazing and super smart...but she's a real cock block. if we ever want to do anything we need to put her to bed early or drop her off with grandma....and doing that just feels dirty almost. it's like by the time its all done and taken care of the mood is gone...like i miss that. the spur of the moment. he comes home and you just miss him so much you want him right there on the couch. i never get a chance to do any of that. either i'm asleep or he is.

i just don't know how to get it back. just yesterday i tried. i put makeup on for the first time in forever....like full face. eye lashes and everything! i NEVER do that. you know what he said? glad to see your nose cleared up. thanks...but hey, at least my blackheads are finally clearing up.