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Another headcannon:

Jason calls Dick "Duckie" from time to time. Some people think it's a mock of Nightwing's eagle symbol.

But the truth is, one day they were texting and Jason sent "Duckie" instead of "Dickie", and Dick liked the nickname so much that convinced Jason to call him like that. Dick's contact in Jason's phone is "Duckie 🦆"

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*Dr Doofenshmietz gestures at an empty area*

“BEHOLD THE PROCRASTINATOR!”

*empty area*

“I haven’t built it yet”

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some fun inspos from pinterest

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BREAKING NEWS: EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED FATHER TRIES TO SHOW AFFECTION

Tiny Tim needs some validation and love.

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Anonymous Batfam Petty Grievance Box

• “Whoever keeps turning off my podcasts mid-workout is a coward. Let me suffer in peace.” — not jason (absolutely jason)

• “Why are there five grappling guns missing? WHY? I labeled mine. With stickers.” — tim. definitely tim. the stickers say “Property of Tech Goblin.”

• “If I find one more batarang in the toaster, I will scream. This is not enrichment. I am not a zoo exhibit.” — stephanie, unhinged and valid

• “Damian keeps feeding Titus steak while I get protein bars labeled ‘combat fuel.’ I am not a war machine.” — duke. powered by rage and mystery meat.

• “Dick is not allowed to do backflips during emotional conversations. It’s confusing.” — jason, who got distracted mid-trauma dump

• “This is not a grievance. Just letting you all know: I hid glitter in Bruce’s cape lining. Let the chaos unfold.” — unknown (it was cass.)

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Pages from Bruce’s Nightly Field Journal

• ENTRY 3912 – TIME: 03:48 A.M. “Saw Joker. Ignored him. Not worth it tonight. He yelled something about taxes. Will deal with it Monday.”

• “Jason intercepted a robbery with no coordination. Effective. Reckless. Shirtless, for some reason.” Note to self: Reinforce roof of East End pharmacy. And maybe his sense of restraint.

• “Tim passed out at the terminal. Again. I covered him with the emergency poncho. He mumbled something about Gotham’s municipal budget.” Note: Check his caffeine levels. Possibly an intervention.

• “Damian caught a pickpocket and gave them a ten-minute lecture on personal discipline. Suspect returned the wallet and cried.” Conclusion: Proud. Deeply concerned.

• “Alfred asked if I’m sleeping. I told him yes. I am not. I will continue not sleeping until I solve this.” Parenthetical note added later: “Unclear what ‘this’ is.”

• “Saw Catwoman. No words exchanged. She winked. I tripped over a railing. No one saw.” Note to self: Delete footage. Immediately.

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Things Bruce Has Banned in the Batcave

• BANNED: Glitter Reason: Stephanie weaponized it. The Batmobile still sparkles in certain lighting. Bruce’s Comment: “Stealth is not optional.”

• BANNED: Sword fights for “fun” Reason: Damian challenged Tim. Tim accepted. Jason filmed it. Alfred left the building. Incident Report Filed: Yes.

• BANNED: Saying “I bet you won’t” on patrol Reason: Jason. Rooftop backflip. Hospital visit. Note: He did land it. Broke a bench. Worth it? Unknown.

• BANNED: Ordering takeout to the Batcave Reason: One (1) delivery driver now believes the cave is a high-budget haunted house. Has a podcast about it. Lucius’s Note: “They tagged WayneTech on Instagram.”

• BANNED: Tim plugging anything into the Batcomputer without permission Reason: He tried to charge his phone. Accidentally shut down traffic lights across Gotham. Again.

• BANNED: Referring to Bruce as “Dadman” Reason: Dick said it once. Stephanie made a theme song. Jason printed it on a T-shirt. Ban Duration: Eternal.

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Oh Janet Drake, they will never make me hate you

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Leslie *after dealing with yet another bat-induced medical crisis*: I am getting too old for this bullshit.

Damian: excuse me, Dr. Tompkins. I was hoping to speak with you privately if you had a moment. You see I've recently become interested in entering the medical field and was wondering-

Leslie: why hello there, retirement plan.

Damian: what?

Leslie: Hm? Oh, never you mind. Now come along, child and I will teach you everything I know. With no ulterior motives whatsoever.

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Times Bruce Wayne Broke Character in Public

• EVENT: Wayne Enterprises Charity Ball Incident: Waiter dropped a tray. Bruce caught a wine glass mid-air without flinching. Witness Quote: “He said ‘reflexes’ like we all have anti-gravity hands.”

• EVENT: Live GNN Interview Incident: Reporter asked about crime rates. Bruce answered with tactical percentages. Exact Quote: “The Narrows has a 62% chance of armed conflict after sundown.” PR Follow-Up: “Mr. Wayne is passionate about urban renewal. And statistics.”

• EVENT: Gotham Academy Career Day Incident: Student asked “Have you ever met Batman?” Bruce paused for 6 full seconds. Then: “We’ve… crossed paths.” Tim’s Note: “You could hear Alfred sigh from the back row.”

• EVENT: PTA Bake Sale Incident: Someone made clown-shaped cookies. Bruce stared at them for ten minutes. Bought them all. Witness Note: “He said ‘no one should consume evil on school grounds.’”

• EVENT: Elevator Ride with Lucius Incident: Lucius sneezed. Bruce said “Bless you. Now duck.” Elevator was empty. No one knows why.

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I know the popular take is that Jason responds to familial affection by going ew fuck you gtfo off me or whatever but to be honest I think if someone actually tried it he's ending up weeping wailing face red sniffling coughing collapsing to his knees in the rain type of reaction just completely sopping pathetic. his eyes are so swollen he can't see shit and falls off a cliff

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AU where Dick gets de-aged and thinks that Jason is Bruce because they look really similar, and Jason is the around the age Bruce was when Dick was that age. When everyone tries explaining the situation to Dick he doesn’t really get it because he was de-aged to a time when his English isn’t great and he doesn’t understand as much about time/dimension travel and all that. Like Dick is smart enough to grasp that there’s something different about the situation and he can tell the small differences between his Bruce and Jason but he still doesn’t really get it and just decides that Jason is the next best thing until he gets his Bruce back. And every time the real Bruce says that he’s Bruce, Dick just shakes his head and goes “My Bruce isn’t old.” or “My Bruce doesn’t have gray hair.” or something like that. Eventually everyone just gives up trying to explain it all and lets him think whatever he wants.

They decide to let Jason handle him, mostly because Dick hisses anytime anyone else comes near. Jason, who remembers Bruce constantly singing Dick’s praises, and who has heard everyone speak about Dick as though he’s an angel, thinks this is going to be a walk in the park. It is not. Jason looks away for one moment and Dick’s climbing the walls (literally - not metaphorically). He goes to the bathroom and somehow Dick managed to climb out the window and is halfway downtown. He tries to sleep and Dick is in his room like a creepy ass ninja - staring down at him, waiting for something (Dick had a nightmare). He breathes and suddenly Dick is ranting about killing his parents’ murderer. He tries to help Dick with his English and the kid starts making up words. He decides that they should patrol so that Dick can let some of his energy out, and suddenly there’s a maniacal cackle and he’s surrounded by goons that were taken down in the most brutal sense (are those bite marks???)

Jason finally decides to push his pride aside and talk to Alfred and Bruce about, only for them to act like this is completely fucking normal??? Alfred even laughs at him and tells him that he’s lucky he doesn’t own a chandelier and only lives in a studio apartment. So, Jason tries to get help from some of Dick’s other friends, who do stop by and visit, but do NOT help and just say “good luck with that”??? Even the older members of the Justice League are no help. The only person who even offers to help Jason is DEATHSTROKE of all people, and Jason is almost desperate enough to consider it. It all ends when Jason finds a solution to the whole de-aging thing because he’s so tired of trying to take care of child Dick. Except Jason’s suffering doesn’t end because whenever he tries to talk about what kid Dick put him through, Dick tries to GASLIGHT HIM??? If Jason hears the words “It wasn’t that bad” one more time, he’s going to de-age that little shit again and drop him off on everyone else’s doorstep and see how much they like it.

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Batfam bodyswap but all of them have insane chronic pain in different places.

Jason, in Tim’s body: Yeah, your hands and waist should not feel like this.

Tim, in Dick’s body: Shut up, it's normal. But Dick all of your joints are fucked. What is wrong with you?

Dick, in Damian's body: Nothing. Jesus, Dami, I want to peel my ribs out of my chest.

Damian, in Jason’s body: Todd, I don't think the pit healed you at all...

Duke, in Bruce’s body: ow

Bruce, in Cass' body: I, for one, feel amazing.

Cass, in Duke’s body: I'm going to go OD on Advil. That probably won't be enough for how much my head hurts.

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a gift for the lovely @foerchen for making me love these two so much<333 we got jay and timmy asleep on the subway and two times jason is carrying tim (tim is also sleepy in the second one, not angst this time :p)

i also love the idea that sometimes they’ll wear regular clothes over their suits for comfort/ out of laziness

edit: A FIC! thanks so much @foerchen

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10 year old Dick: "Bruce, when you get married, can I be the best man?"

Bruce: "Of course, chum."

---

12 year old Dick: "Hey Clark, do you think when you get married, I can be your best man?"

Clark: "I don't see why not."

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25 year old Dick: "In my defence, I had no way of knowing you'd end up marrying each other."

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I just realised how convenient it would be for Damian to become a doctor, because you can't convince me his siblings wouldn't use that fact for their own fun. They don't even need his medical services, unless it's something serious enough, they just barge into his workplace. They wait a few months for the sake of decency, just to make sure Damian has a solid reputation and the hospital administration isn't stupid enough to throw out a specialist like him, but then.

Jason, bursting into the hospital lobby, falling to his knees, screaming in agony with tears in his eyes: I NEED A DOCTOR.

The closest doctor, landing next to him, five nurses already pushing a gurney from afar: sir, how can i help you?

Jason, immediately stopping the infernal howls: not you. where's damian?

Doctor, flabbergasted: dr. wayne is unavailable right now. sir, let me assist you—

Jason, already getting to his feet: nah don't bother

Doctor:

—

LPN, opening the door to Damian's office: dr. wayne, I came to inform you that your last patient for today is ready for examinati—

Tim, putting packages of sterile scalpels from a glass cabinet into a comically large bag:

LPN:

Tim: ...you can deduct it from his salary

LPN:

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Dick, lounging on a hospital couch: you still haven't told me how your date with Jon went

Damian, finishing his work day: because there's nothing to tell. i don't owe you anything, and i'm going home.

Dick, gasping: but you can't leave until your last patient is healed!

Damian: and i assume you're the patient in this case?

Dick: of course! a patient suffering from dreadful disease — a lack of information about the love life of his dear young brother! i need the best medicine at your disposal, dr. wayne

Dick, grinning: and you can't go until we're done

Damian, sighing:

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my extremely powerful long chip (utahraptor toe claw for reference)