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Road to redemption

Today I felt something in my heart . I was so happy and I haven’t been this fulfilled in a long time. I’ve always had a boyfriend. Like always. I think the longest I’ve gone without a boyfriend was a month. But I’ve been single for a while now . It makes a whole year . I feel like most of the time I was like a fish out of water. Pining , needing someone . But being so picky about it so I just keep pining and flipping out . But this week I really hit rock bottom in my usual misery . Honestly I thought I was doing really good the whole time . Going out. Making friends literally everywhere I go . Just genuinely being a good person with the grades hella popping at NYU. BUT YO this week I dead ass hit rock bottom . Not only did I hit one ex up . I hit two. And they told me I wasn’t good enough . Made me feel small . Like I was worthless. Like I didn’t mean anything. Why did I even call them ? For what ? But I cried in my car . For what felt like hours. Is that what I really am ? Worthless? I stopped crying and accepted yeah that’s me I guess but no one will see me cry. So the next day I went out with a friend who I normally don’t hang out with. I was hesistant to go since I wanted to baby my wounds BUT OH MY GAWDDDD. I had such a good time. I’m documenting this and pray no one sees it so I can come back and look at it but yooooooooooooo. When I say I’m that bitch. Like I really am that bitch .

We went out and we were drunk from the get go. I mean seven shots will do it... I probably peed a million times but we went to a place called the brass monkey . Super boujie bar in ny. And when I say these girls know how to finesse their way through the city .... oh meh god. First off. To not wait on line they stalked a promoter online . “Bumped into him” and then became friends / make him think they’ll fuck one day. He got us in with no line. I was in shock walking past everyone . Like errrr meh god . Looking at them like bye peasants . Go in turnt af . And we start dancing . We saw the brown boy just going offfff and my friend looks at me and says. Which one you want? I didn’t see any I liked so I had told her none sis. We both looked at the silly brown guy and said definitely not him . I mean nothing was wrong with him. He was attractive . And tall (enough) but what a dork . I whispered in my friends ear. I bet his name is Vickram . She said I dare you to ask . And there is no such things as dare with me. So I walked right up to him and asked . Hi what’s your name ? He said “Stephen with a ph” automatically I was like ew what a d bag . I told him my name was Monica. Which is the usual since I’m trying to protect myself. I mean hey !!! I’ve seen “You.” You know how much you can get by just a name ??

Anyways. Somehow or the other me and this brown kid end up like talking and flirting near the bar, and then separate in a typical nyc style. My friend finds this guy who is cute but hella short but she looks over it and starts dancing with him. So she’s all boo’d up so I’m like okay fuck it . Lemme find vickram . I look and can’t find him . I ask her yo where is he and she’s like oh that’s his friend. So I look over and it’s this SEXY black Dominican guy. And she goes where is your friend? He looks over at me and is like oh you like him ? I’m like so shocked by his sex appeal I’m like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . And he said I got you. Lemme give you his number. And it’s like something clicked in me and I took my phone and turned it to him and smiled and said . How about I get your number? I think homeboy was in shock. He was ..... o.O for real? I’m like yeah . So then my friend pushes me into him and we made out ACKKKKMMM. It was such a good kiss too. Like I don’t understand . We come up from the makeout and i look over and I see Vickram looking HEATED with his arms out mouthing the words “bro what the fuck.” I looked at the Dominican guy and said I think your friend is mad . It would’ve been sexy if he didn’t pull on my hoops but he said “yo I don’t care” and made out with me again. LIKE LMFAOOOOOO I’m really ruining lives out here. I have his number saved as question mark but I have no idea what this guys vans is.

I feel so contempt in my heart. I feel like I now get what being truly single is. Not the slutting it up on a nyc night part. But about going out with your friends. Not looking for love. Not taking shit serious and always being hurt about the past. Its just being happy around the girls your with. I mean the boys make it super fun but who honestly needs them ? They can be used and abused . I don’t think I’ll ever text mystery man . I think id rather keep him and Vickram a total secret.

But the end of the story is that I’m really a bad bitch . Like I truly am .😂😂😂 and I love myself . More than anyone else. But I have to keep that in hindsight. I sometimes forget but hopefully writing down my stories for the future will make me realize that I really am that bitch . And give me great stories to tell my grandkids 😂😂😂