they/themthis is a side blog for ventinga queer disaster fueled by eyeliner, compression socks, plushies, coffee, the discography of MCR, and a fuck-ton of meds.EDS, POTS, MCAS, and plenty of other weird health shit
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does anyone want to play drugs and alcohol with me
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eating yogurt to keep my hands busy because rending flesh from bone and shredding my skin would be bad
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nice pair of characters who trust each other more than anyone else in the whole entire world it would sure be a shame if one of them betrayed that trust for the sake of trying to keep the other alive. it would sure be a shame to love someone so much you destroy them
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insurance is trying to declare my car totaled from when i hit the deer back in march (we finally filed the claim recently) and istg losing my car like that might be enough stress to kill me rn
i JUST got this car and it’s already been through actual fucking HELL with me, it’s like. my one little piece of freedom. please.
#my mom is going to talk to them and try to dispute it but idk if that will work#i swear i fucking KNEW this was gonna happen even though it really isn’t bad enough to be considered totaled#i’m losing my mind and my stability and my sanity and yall i am not handling it well
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my mom cleaned my bathroom yesterday (unexpected by me), including emptying the trash can—where i throw away all the wound care stuff and bloody tissues from my self harm… :| i tend to wrap it up or hide it, but still, it could probably be seen.
anyway this morning she started a conversation by telling me about a local therapist and sending me her info
i have no idea if these two events are actually related 😭
#i’m gonna look into the therapist for sure cuz i do in fact need it#and she’s been pretty chill about my sh when she’s known about it in the past. she was never super weird about my scars which i appreciate
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contemplating going on a solo night hike just to get to the top of the cliff near my house and walking right off the edge
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i want to stand on the edge of the roof of a very tall building. maybe then i’d feel alive enough to know if i want to jump or not
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sitting alone at the table listening to All I Need by Radiohead on loop on the verge of tears eating my scrambled eggs because why is everything so fucking hard? why do i hate me, and why doesn’t anyone else seem to?
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oh god, it never stops. i finally had a dream without them in it, but it’s easter so of course i can’t just forget about them. it’s barely been a month and fuck i just want to move on, but i doubt that’s even possible to the extent i want.
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i think ripping my guts out through a gaping wound in my abdomen would hurt less. those parts are less intrinsic to the core of my life.
#i am relearning how to love. or at least unlearning what i used to believed love meant.#i can only hope i relearn something in its place. i think i will.#tbf my actual abdominal organs hurt a lot rn for physical reasons. but that with the feeling of having my identity vivisected#makes me feel like being bloody and dramatic
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i need to get my car fixed so i can go be suicidal in a park at midnight again
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This is cheaper than journaling when you think about it
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walking for an hour is a such factory reset for when you want to kill yourself shoes on coat on hands in your pockets and keep it moving playa
#i ended up with blisters the size of quarters partly healed with newer blisters on top of them on both feet from doing this.#i was fighting for my life so desperately. and they knew. and i told them what was causing it. and they knew how to fix it. they just… didnt#being disabled in a way that makes walking painful and difficult sucks for this specific situation. it keeps me alive but at great cost
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Dealing with my fear of rejection by never asking for anything, and my fear of being a burden by never doing anything that involves other people. Foolproof.
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yeah i’m pretty sure i need to go to a psych ward
#that or i pick up a new substance habit or pick back up an old(ish) self harm habit. or both. or—fuck it—all three!#maybe it’s just 5am and i need to sleep and shower and feel safe. but idk if ill ever feel safe again#so i would much rather envision myself jumping off a building 👍
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did you ever really love more than the feeling of protecting your little buddy?
the idea that you cared for me and kept me safe far more than our parents ever could has been the root of every major conflict between us.
when things got bad, was the idea that you could endanger me as much as them too much for you to handle? or did you just not care?
i know i do share a lot of struggles with our dad.
but look at you, you really are turning out just like both of them
#at least they’ve matured enough to fucking try to listen.#but don’t worry they also value my life less than their partners#sibling trauma
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i hate this. i hate how afraid i feel in my whole body, i hate that it feels like driving in a blizzard just to have a conversation.
like, i know this is better than just living out of my car until i find a job and a safe place i can afford, and i’m grateful to even have the option to go live with my parents for a while. but i don’t wanna live with all the symptoms of that much constant stress again.
i hope it doesn’t last as long this time.
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