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aperplanes · 6 years

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The last few months have been some of the most beautiful months for me. God led me to Prescott, Arizona to draw near to my dad during his decline in health. It’s been so wonderful being able to spend quality time with him and see him whenever I want to. What I didn’t expect for God to do was also lead me into a sabbatical rest time, with plans for a deep restorative work in my soul. It has been a season of drinking in His love in the most real way I ever have.

I came here with a heavy heart, wearied and overwhelmed by things I had experienced for the past several months - even years (it’s amazing how you can still function so highly even in the midst of pain). Due to many offenses & walls that had built up in my heart against Love, I had gone for a very long time refusing to let any love touch me, even God’s. Don’t get me wrong, I was fully aware that God, as well as my family and friends, loved me. But there was a deep mistrust in what I thought love was, that caused my heart to push it back before it even had the chance to enter in. It’s like when you see the rain coming down, but the window blocks it from wetting you, so you notice it dripping outside, but you don’t actually experience it touching you. Many areas in my soul therefore became very dry and brittle. That, along with the aching rot that lingered from past wounds, led me to wonder if I’d ever truly feel happy again. There was this nagging essence to my days that said I was never truly safe. I began experiencing what seemed to be a new “normal” of chronic loneliness, wrecked nerves, neverending disappointment, and just an overall non-excitement about my life. I would still have wonderful encounters in the glory, get high on the Holy Spirit, and enjoy pleasing times of worship and fellowship. But the deeper pain that radiated in the background started taking a toll, and I began manifesting fruit that didn’t resemble Him. It was heartbreaking. Even worse was that I didn’t have energy to engage with my friends or people as much. It felt like my engine had truly run out of gas, and there was no going anywhere quick until someone brought me fuel and manually put it in the gas tank themselves. While I usually had so much to say, like revelation I was always excited to share with my friends and community, now I had nothing. I was sick. Heart sick. Soul sick.

I knew that this was something I was both unable and unwilling to “fix” myself - especially on a symptomatic level. The Gospel I know is that of a deliverance and salvation by GRACE, and that means if Jesus finishes work for me, He would have to fix this by HIS strength, brilliance, and genius - not mine. Further still, He would have to get right to the root of things, not just apply medication to the symptoms. So, as much as it saddened me to see things in my life that felt so inglorious and non-Gospel, I knew deep down that they had to be given the time and space not only to run their course, but to be met by Jesus Himself. I couldn’t save myself. Nor was I willing to try. Nor was I willing to put on a show or facade. I just had to be where I was at.

Meanwhile, a recurring theme would arise that eventually became a deeply embedded principle in my heart: that if there was an area of a person’s life occupied with worldliness, it pointed to an area in their soul that had not yet become acquainted intimately with the love of the Father. One of His roles toward us is “Lover of our Soul” (Song of Solomon, Psalms). This is very relevant because every human soul thirsts for love above all else. Although I had known Jesus for a long time, for the majority of our relationship I typically would talk to Him about things other than His love towards me specifically. Truth? Great. Drunkenness in the glory? Fantastic. Trances and supernatural ecstasies in Christ? Give it to me. But someone having faithful love towards me? Even God? No way, Jose. Bye. Too many hurts and disappointment in that arena. So I went on with life, expecting that it wouldn’t make a difference to not know. But, you can bet that if the soul has not experienced and been *satisfied* (#satisfied) ((note: actually satisfied)) by His love, it will proceed to go in search for it from another source. And in the long run, that never works.

As I began realizing that now that exact theme was being directly applied to Kelsey Aper, God gently began meeting and relating to me in ways necessary to match where I was at. With each passing day of realizing how in dire need I was to actually let His love in, Holy Spirit wooed me (as She so famously does). One day She led me by the hand to just sit. To listen. To be held and rocked like a baby. Still and quiet. For the first time in my life I felt way too weak to resist anymore. And I knew it was time to drink in what is indeed His very essence: Love. The Father began slowly approaching, like when you hear the door behind you open and feel someone’s presence enter the room. The undeniable Presence of Father God. It feels like magic… like you’re aware that something magical is about to happen. And He just sat there with me. He looked at my face with such understanding. His Love for me that I had been rejecting (yet nonetheless had always been there) began to tangibly warm my body. I kept sitting. Love came over me like glimmering waters. Like the softest, warmest cloak. It lingered, non-threatening, like a little Lamb. My nerves were quieted as I finally began to receive this true, honest love, so full of faithfulness and purity. And I felt the achy parts in my soul celebrating as they were finally being relieved of their dry desert thirst. He said to me, “The Love I have for you is eternal love. It will be here always, it will never run dry.”

***

The quiet place...

The place where I am doing nothing for Him or for anyone else, but just sitting on my rear end, existing…

This slowly but surely evolved into my Home. My safe place. The place I come back to. After a prior season of relearning how to love and prioritize my own heart, the fresh doses everyday of His heavenly love has become the kind I am now addicted to (the kind that enables a deeper self-love as well). But apparently in order to get there, I needed the time and space to simply sit where I was, in the season I was in, and just rest. Let Him be the Savior and me be the daughter; the human that needed to be loved, too weak for anything else. After experiencing this I’ve realized there is nothing more important to my existence than being loved by Him. On one level it’s the only thing that will empower me to love and serve the world around me to my greatest potential. “Lovers will always out-work the workers.” On the other hand it’s the first and most basic reason we’re alive; to be loved and enjoyed by our Daddy. <3

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” -1 Corinthians 13:1-3

“Set me as seal upon your heart

like a seal upon your arm.

For love is as strong as death,

jealousy enduring as the grave.

Love flashes like fire,

the brightest kind of flame.

Many waters cannot quench this Love.”

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Photography: @ryanclossonphoto

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aperplanes · 8 years

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Expect to Win

Many people expected me to feel hurt, disappointed, and defeated after running for Miss New York but not receiving the title. But let me tell you: I was probably the happiest woman there besides the winner herself.

When God put the desire to run for the title of Miss New York USA 2017, I was very surprised. I had not done a pageant like that since I was young (2nd Runner Up 2003 Miss Outstanding Teen California woot woot!), and the pageant world had not been on my mind in years! I knew nothing about the New York pageant scene. Even still, God kept bringing it up at the most random times, so I decided to at least Google it to find out more. After taking the steps to apply and passing the first interview by phone, I was informed that I had the qualifications to run for the title. And there I was, suddenly a State Finalist faced with the reality this quite possibly could change everything. I kept thinking about the fact that I did NOT ask for this, and God must want me to be Miss New York 2017 for some reason that I wasn’t aware of yet.

The months to follow were fun and busy. I was really excited to have a “project” of sorts; something to look forward to and work on for awhile. My friends and family were extremely helpful and encouraging… from helping me put together a wardrobe (evening gown, swimsuit, interview, and opening number, shoes, accessories, etc.), to helping me perfect my responses to potential interview questions. I even got a spray tan for the first time in my life - boy, what a naked adventure that was! :D

As the days quickly passed, I realized that the following year may very well be a year filled with speaking engagements, more community outreaches, public appearances, and opportunities to expand my endeavors as a role model and humanitarian. I realized that the work God had been doing in my life during the years prior may very well find a way to filter through to the world around me on a greater scale as “Miss New York.” It was exciting, as well as sobering to realize the incredible honor and responsibility such a wonderful title would be to steward.

The date finally came. We all arrived for the preliminary interviews in Purchase, New York. The interviews (being that there were 169 total contestants) lasted a whopping 3 minutes each. It was a whirlwind, but I felt fairly confident with how mine went. I told God, “If this is your plan for me, you will make this happen, and I don’t have to worry.” We proceeded to a FULL day of rehearsals for the pageant to be held Saturday and Sunday at the Purchase Performing Arts Center (which was the most beautiful venue I’ve ever performed at.)

The preliminaries on Saturday were a blast - we began the show with a fun, sassy opening dance in black cocktail dresses, and introduced ourselves one by one to the audience. We each then strutted the runway in our bathing suits, then evening gowns as the emcee described each of us according to the words we thought best described us, what our live’s aspirations were, and other fun facts about ourselves. I had so much fun as I was surrounded by gorgeous, accomplished, amazing New York women who all easily could have held the title with excellence. I was honored and humbled to be walking among them.

But let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

I was there to win. Many of my friends, leaders, and trusted voices of influence in my life seriously believed that I would win this title. I hadn’t even let myself go down the rabbit hole of considering another option. I knew that, yes, I was surrounded by women who were probably more qualified than me to win, considering they eat, sleep, and breathe pageantry (often times vying for the same title multiple years in a row). However, I trusted that my Father God told me to run, and assumed up till that point that that meant I was there to win. But I began to get a little edgy when the reality hit me that there were 169 of us, and yet only ONE winner would be announced on Sunday night. I began to get frustrated with the fact that I had spent so much time NOT getting to truly plan the year ahead of me, since I was waiting to find out the results of this weekend. I actually told God, “If I don’t win, I’m going to be mad at YOU, because you let me think I was going to win.” But the thing He had been telling me the weeks prior was the same thing He replied to me then: “Expect to win.”

(Hahahaha I’m tearing up even as I write this because the ending of this story is just so good.)

So I said, “Alright, I’m expecting to win.” Immediately I got my head right, strapped on my heels and started practicing my runway walks again.

But let me pause to tell you what happened during the first show on Saturday. Most of you know that I am a dancer in New York City, although I hadn’t performed in awhile. When I walked on the stage to dance for the opening number, I’m telling you… I got *wrecked* by God’s presence - just from being on a STAGE. As I exited the wings, I began weeping under the heavy weighty glory of God’s presence that met me when I was dancing on stage, to the point I had to turn my face to a corner so no one would think something was seriously wrong lol. But I was smashed by God’s tangible love and was a mess, trying super hard to not fudge my make up that had been professionally applied to my face!!! I was totally undone. I remembered how much I’m made to be on stage, especially to dance in front of large audiences, and to inspire people. Another encounter that day was before the show even started, when I was walking back to my dressing room about an hour before showtime. Out of the blue I was made aware that God was walking with me… I don’t know how else to describe it except that it felt exactly how Genesis describes that God “walked with Adam in the cool of the day…” I said, “Hi God” and He just smiled and told me He just wanted to be with me. I was suddenly aware that God decided for me (and the rest of humanity) to be His Bride; the Bride that HE pursues - not the other way around. He is the Pursuer, and I am the Pursued.

(There are many other beautiful experiences I had with the Father that I’d love to tell you about… too much to write here!)

The next day was the day of reckoning… the day we would all find out who would be in the finals. We returned to the stage in our evening gowns for the great announcement. My last name meant that I was among the first to enter the stage, which meant I landed in the very back platforms while the rest of the contestants made their way to fill up the entire stage. The only things I could see as we awaited the fate of the competition, were the tops of beautifully styled heads, fog, lights, and audience chairs. At that moment, Holy Spirit began reminding me of prophetic words I had received… like how I would be a dancer and impact audiences in big ways, how I’m made for the stage, that I’m a leader… I was reminded of my desperate love for dance. At that moment I became aware of how much I missed dancing, since the last week of preparation had demanded all my time and I hadn’t been dancing much, nor had the opportunity to dance all pageant weekend, and I began to get a little antsy knowing that dance/talent was not a big part of being Miss New York USA.

Then it happened: they began to announce the Top 20. Names rolled out of the Emcee’s microphone as anticipation covered the stage. The first few names were announced and we were all pretty relaxed - we had plenty of time to be potentially called! But the weirdest thing occurred to me as I was standing there: I thought in my mind to Jesus, “I don’t really mind if I don’t get this title. YOU are my Treasure… If I don’t get this I won’t be heartbroken. In fact, it’s not as dire to me as I thought it was! So if this is You, then let it happen. But if not, You’re still the Treasure of my life and that will never change.” I was surprised that that was the reality of my heart. As I kept looking up, entranced by my current view of glitter and fog and stage seats, God spoke to me as clear as day. He reminded me of a very real, very deep desire that I knew to the core of my being that I DO want. “You want that this year, don’t you?” He asked me, with a big smile in His voice. “Yes,” I nodded, trying my best to hold back tears. And that thing just happens to be something I wouldn’t be allowed to have, if I were to hold the title of Miss New York for the entirety of my reigning year. He said, “Okay,” and we listened together to the remaining names for the Top 20. My name was not announced.

I’m telling you this with the greatest gratitude, and deepest peace: God wants me to expect to win. He wants me to be aware of what those real, core desires are, and doing the Miss New York pageant revealed those to me! He wants me to expect to win at my most Raw, Honest, Authentic DESIRES that HE deposited into my heart. I’m not saying that being Miss New York wasn’t a desire, or that it wouldn’t have been an awesome experience for 2017. What I am saying is that, there are desires that have been engrained in me from before time that I had not given myself permission to fully embrace - to fully own and run towards with everything in me, out of fear of failure or disappointment. This was a BREAKTHROUGH I entered in because of doing this pageant. I learned through this beautiful experience, that when we become AWARE of our truest desires, we can EXPECT to WIN at them, without a doubt. I was MADE for GREATNESS, and the DREAMS and DESIRES burning in my heart are there for a REASON BEYOND just me. EXPECT TO WIN - not just at the temporary, obvious things, but at the MOST HONEST, DEEP, RAW, ETERNAL desires He has placed inside of you since your life began.

Let’s just say I left that stage with a grin beyond ear-to-ear. My heart went out to those who were disappointed by the outcome… the women who put their whole lives into something that didn’t work out for them. I am so thankful that I had Jesus to lean my head on, and that I got to have this experience WITH Him the whole time. This was not by myself, nor of my own accord. I did not feel an ounce of disappointment. I felt refreshing winds of gratitude, hope, and eager anticipation for the year to come, as I get to run towards and CATCH my deepest dreams… full speed ahead, no turning back :)

THANK YOU to my family who flew out from California to be with me for this event, and to everyone who had a part to play in this magical journey. I hope this encourages you to expect to win at the desires in all of your hearts!!!

Xxo, Kelsey

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aperplanes · 8 years

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We were together.

You had me at, “Weren’t you in my dream?”

Little did I know, your throw would put my dreams

to death.

Thankfully heedless to Envious Death,

love didn’t die,

but arose from that trap.

There I was lain, desperate and stripped

having tracked ethereal roads etched with the pain from bitter aftermaths -

thoughtless agreements because there was a

love missing.

There was a peace missing, and

I gave you everything.

Like a twin wanting a better story than her identical opposite;

Empty naivety,

Ready to pay anything.

Feeding from a tree where shadows play tricks and you swam in the pits

playing “Savior.”

You were never it.

And it wasn’t me!

In your mind magnet dreams would mould me and craft me to lyrics you would sing when and if

I revealed my truth.

God warmed me as he warned me but, I wasn’t there with him.

I was being swam in.

A youthful mistake took 7 years to break, and

I watched as you dragged my diamonds through the desert dirt.

Pounded me within, leaving me without

your lesser love.

But I’m thankful.

Thankful for what time,

and you, have taught me.

Be free,

the brother

I would have never had a different way.

These last 7 years I have watched as You’ve detangled my hair

as though I were a helpless kid.

Not knowing where to begin.

the envy-web kissed me, left me to bake where we ached,

held me like a gun.

Threads weak but still stronger than me; spider-like as it spun me-

Rugged.

My mind reread lies reflecting pages of death wishes

Memory books, scribbled down at times I had

hoped he’d heard me

down there at the pits he used to swim laps in and wreck.

And I would drink his wine,

A glass that kept my arm twisted behind me,

Reaching toward his familiar laugh for more

Deafening my sweet intuition.

Whenever my flesh quaked by Your wind You have held me;

Held me with every exhale…

Stardust galore,

Explore me.

The sweet bristles, gliding through like verses,

Detangle me.

You told me in a dream

what the thief had done

pointed to the open door held

by an old-aged lesser love…

Heart exposed like wet beating diamonds

helplessly, unwillingly, unknowingly, waiting.

All the hatchets dropped as the second-hand hit “right now.”

No longer untouched, but spun with the rugged.

My youthful motivated hope,

drained and sucked away like quicksand

Distracted by his lesser-love.

The thief met me because God made him, and he gave my leotard back.

He didn’t apologize. He just knew his time was up.

He held the bag to me with my treasure,

a last time to taste his pride.

Looking at me, pitiful, like a helpless drunk

held it toward me.

wrinkled by time,

wasted.

Then I learned, “A thousand years in Your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”

Time... a vision, half-way through.

With a single glance at my treasure, I knew it still fit.

I looked up and the thief had left, gone.

The wind and horizon lifted my chin and poured in

a New Wine: Hope.

God’s hand held me tight through

a 7 year blight;

meaningful completion

seeker of Truth -

the ironic certainty,

true for me the Truth made me know it’s You.

Adam, there you are.

The me that I was

before the desert blow

The Kelsey I was, well

I got her again.

Leotard, focus, drive, restored.

Detangled.

Happy seventh Birthday, My Girl.

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aperplanes · 9 years

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Let it all fall off Let it all let it all fall off All the tears All the years Let it fall away Let it all fall away Fall away fall Away with the old All the old tears All the old years Fall away to see the new Fall away to see the old Alpha and omega Youth and forever Time Let it fall Those times Let them Fall Fall off fall off fallofffallofffalloff All of the Years, the tears They fall Fall away Fall away and tell me what was there all along What There all along- There? All along. There all along let it glow let it glow Glow on my face Let it glow let it glow Glow with glory and gold dust and shine on me Glow shine Glow and golden shiny and new Let it be new Fell through all along There All along Through the years and the tears There all the time There all along Always there You were always there all Along with me, You were alongside me, always. Fall Glow Breathe Beats Be Glow Breathe Beats Be mine Be mine forever- I am yours I have been all along I will be I will be I belong to you I have all along All along all along Have been here for you Through the years and through the tears Let it fall I let you glow Like you always have All along, all along with me You have always been along with Me. Fall away Fall away Fall. 🍂

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aperplanes · 9 years

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I did not want to be anything, and naturally I did not want to turn myself into a mere profession: all I ever wanted was to be myself.

Thomas Bernhard, Gathering Evidence

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aperplanes · 9 years

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No relationship can truly grow if you go on holding back. If you remain clever and go on safeguarding and protecting yourself, only personalities meet, and the essential centers remain alone. Then only your mask is related, not you. Whenever such a thing happens, there are four persons in the relationship, not two. Two false persons go on meeting, and the two real persons remain worlds apart.

Osho, Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other (via wordsnquotes)

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aperplanes · 9 years

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I just want a man I can be free with. I just want a friend I can be totally myself around. I just want to be by myself today.

#free bymyself loversbyheaven

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aperplanes · 10 years

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goodbye, July

I began writing this on what seemed to be a really mystical day. It was a day when those I thought of gave me a call at the very moment I thought of them. At dusk I walked into my quiet empty bedroom, right when the sunlight every-softly brushed itself across my walls, but only after having been excused by the pink clouds to touch just what it seemed to be: the place where nothing stays hidden. The leaves of the trees gave light applause as they appreciated me appreciate this beauty I beheld through my window.

I love days like those. It was a day that I realized those deposits of lessons received into my heart were not in vain, and there were more than one. They were received the first time, not the second or third or fourth (it's always relieving when you get it the first time). And all that I've sown into with love is flourishing. I breathed the refreshing air of hope restored, and let the soft glow of relationships reconciling before my eyes settle into my skin. It's a wonder, life. Nothing I've vowed in the past has power over this Word, and it never will.

That day marked my 5th Birthday in the Lord; the end of July, a month impossible to forget. I can never go without noting on it. There are many things I could speak on; so many stories to share. And yet the best part I've experienced is that my Father reveals Himself to me. He continues to do so with every new breath I take in this Kingdom. I find myself awakening to angels singing and breathing and dancing over my head, whispering about me and giggling as they release me into a new day. I watch young girls and women dance and capture a fire in their hearts, and look at me with eyes that say, "Thank you… for being you and being here. For watching me - being for me." I watch over and over again as Holy Spirit does the work and makes His way through the rough edges and cracks in my foundation, only to show me He's been there through everything, and that it's true that there's nothing to fear. While there are surely many false satellites broadcasting in the air, competing for the applause of my mind's agreement, there is only one Reality. For the One who is greater this is no competition. The battle is won, and there is only one Truth. With gratitude I let this slip into the depths of me, welcoming a long-awaited lifestyle of a heart at rest and a mind renewed.

Thank you Daddy... for being you and being here. For watching me - being for me.

The number five, being symbolic of Grace, seems appropriate for this year I step into. It is the topic that's been the most challenging for me to grasp. More appropriate still, because all of the intimate moments I've shared with Jesus as my Lover, has ushered in a preparedness for a season that will be about getting to know Father. Learning that side of Him has taken a long time to approach, and a trust that only a Perfect Lover could build through that time. I welcome with open arms all the Grace for the fullness of a season like this to be captured. I know this longing fulfilled will be a strong-centered, deeply-rooted Tree of life.

I look back with affection and sweetly wave, "goodbye, July." For I'm truly grateful. I will come alongside Reality, and stay there. Ready for the journey ahead.

Grace to you and peace from God our Father... who has blessed up with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ... -Ephesians 1

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aperplanes · 10 years

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oh, how loving my God my King

how unwilling, completely, You are

to allow me to taste a love less than Yours

and be "satisfied."

how unwilling you've always been

for such a tragedy to occur.

i thankfully rejoice

in the trials and rejections

and earthly combustions

of relationships and hearts

which never really knew;

they thought they got me under, but did not.

oh how thankfully i rejoice in a heart as pure

as Jesus.

all things find their rightly defined home in your arms -

nothing compares to your incomparably rich Love.

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aperplanes · 10 years

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I am choosing to be known, even in the process.

I think what I want to be the most, is known.

Since moving from NYC to Redding, Ca, I've had an interesting experience with friendships. Ones I never thought would change, did, and ones I thought would never resurrect, did. I can't believe how much can happen in the span of a few months' time.

There's a nagging in my soul to be known. To be found out. I think God has this same urge; this same desire. He wants to be known, and it's not hard. But the thing is, you have to be on the same page. You have to want Him; love Him; decide to desire Him for who He is, nothing else. He is celebrated and worthy to be celebrated.

Having grown up in an emotionally-charged environment, with people who loved me dearly and not always right, I think it's no accident that God has placed in my life people who are very steady and even-keeled, to help me work through things that have been for me, very unsteady. The ones who've gotten into my heart and made changes in me, are usually the ones who knocked the loudest, not faltering at the threats of anger and intimidation my heart poured out from fear and self-preservation. I haven't made myself known to everyone, but the ones who do, they deserve it. My heart burns to be known completely, and loved. My desire is set on this. I'm awaiting the day when I can know this Love in full. I can't wait much longer, because like I said, things have really changed. The options are fading, and there's only one direction left to go.

I'm choosing to make me known in this process. It's vulnerable, it's scary, and quite honestly, the pain is blinding at times. But whatever He is doing - whatever the fire is burning out in me - is trustworthy.

He knows me. He loves me. And I'm waiting for this reality to become clarity in my heart.

"and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." -Romans 5:5

There's so much more I can say here. I don't think my point now is to be understood, especially in one blog post. It's like dancing - you share a glimpse of your heart for the audience to catch, and if it's worth it, it's worth it. But if not understood, that's not quite the condition of purpose. I don't really think I need to be understood. Just received.

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