apfel-von-verwandlung

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

Oyasumi Punpun... Save me oyasumi punpun....

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

Maybe... I just gotta go offline a few days...? Get the goop out, step away from the anxiety box...

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

I wanna stop being so scared all the time, nobody is mad at me nobody hates me they're just busy or asleep and just because they haven't replied for a few days doesn't mean they secretly want to break up with me and never talk to me again <- deluding itself

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

If you keep saying such kind things, my heart may shatter irreparably...

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

I think it would be nice to be held rn. I know I can't just wake up the people arguing and go "um hey you won't force me to choose right. You know I still love you right" but I kinda wish I could. Maybe I should just . Retreat a little bit until I'm less panicky

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

Trying not to make a fight between my partners about me but oughhghg it's hitting close to some trauma from my past and I must admit I'm feeling very scared trembling alone puppy rn

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

yknow I'm starting to wonder if this blog is less the host's blog (apfel, presumably) or if it belongs more to 💣and we just couldn't tell +

it'd be kinda funny if it turns out apfel was her all along but it'd make sense since she's a fictive of who may be the poster girl for the jirai subculture in the west nowadays akjdkfsjfksdjkf

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

Uwaaaaaa............I wanna be a popular artist.................................which requires me actually posting my art but . aaaa art block

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

I want to make vent art about my chronic pain because art is one of my few avenues of expression but I really can't make this beautiful.

I feel like a bug being bisected all the time. I've given up on even trying to get it diagnosed and fixed because all the meds I've tried make it worse or give me separate health issues.

Added on top of my meds for adhd and depression not working at all but giving me terrible withdrawal symptoms, I feel like I may as well not be human at all.

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

having anti punitive justice morals sucks because you want to say "man that guy sucks he should get hit with hammers until he dies" but you also want to make it clear you don't think anyone should be put in charge of the 'hit people with hammers until they die" machine.

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

I need non autistic people to realise meltdowns are a real debilitating thing that has a serious effect on your mental and physical health NOWWWWW!!! The way its been trivialized and lessened pisses me the fuck off. It's not a tantrum and it doesn't come from "being too weak-willed" it's painful and it's embarrassing AND MOST OF ALL IT'S INVOLUNTARY!! Don't claim to be an ally to autistic or disabled people and then make fun of people who have meltdowns. Literally get the hell out of my sight

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

99% of Eclipses stop thinking themselves into a breakdown right before they learn how to express their feelings NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW SHIT YOU FEEL

This is a joke ofc. I'm just (tries to think about how to word my insecurities)(makes them worse by accident)

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

"Mental health matters!!" mfs when they see a person with NPD

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

the “i wanna go home” never leaves my head even when i’m physically sitting in my bed

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

🌻 I know it's something I can't entirely control, but I've been feeling kind of. Empty and lonely again. Fidgets. I guess for all my love for everyone, I've still made this insurmountable distance that I may never be able to cross, so I'm just. Watching everyone have what I want and longing. Wishing I could be right there too, but I can't. Maybe that's it. I'll never be able to be truly close to anyone, will I? Even within my own system, so others... Feel so, so much further. Infinitely so.

It makes me nervous. What if I break again because of my own shortcomings? What if I fail to protect us, because I can't focus on that?

I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to throw myself too hard into working for the system when I shouldn't be, or like I'm trying to boil myself down to only a role, but I feel like it's the only thing giving me purpose or use right now. The only thing I'm good for. We're not even a system with roles, we're mostly endo-slightly-trauma and don't generally need them.

[apfel-von-verwandlung]

🌻 I think even if I am anything to anyone I'm really replaceable. It's scary, not having any utility. I want someone to use me so so so bads . I want to be useful and to have a reason to be .