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[aplacetoclosemyeyes]

day 3 retrospective (150118)

So today I made it to UCU (university college utrecht). I’m typing this on my com from my room in my apartment. It’s really really nice here... but really cold and awkward.

Yeah I mean cold in both ways. I’ve talked to quite a few people, but I can really feel the disconnect. I expected this-- I’m a bit of a recluse even at home but here drinking and partying is much more of a main thing and I am really not into that and will not be.

Also, I am having problems with names. I don’t know how to say anything.

Today was frantic travelling, lugging stuff around, then registration, where I accidentally sounded really elitist when one of the students helping out told me she was half Singaporean and I asked how that could be so cause it was a nationality.

Afterwards I helped a random girl carry her luggage and find her room, which I actually knew the location of because it was a few doors down from mine. I can’t remember her name now but it started with C and she’s from HK.

A lot of experiences like that. Brief introductions. Will probably never speak again. Mainly because I can never remember anyone’s name unless I see them constantly for a month and talk with them.

I haven’t cleaned up my room properly yet, didn’t have the cleaning supplies. I want my room to be a no-shoes zone. It’ll take awhile. Went out to buy cleaning supplies. Walked in the cold rain. Felt great getting the stuff I needed (but I need tissue, and I put the floor detergent back without realizing it, which is why I can’t clean the floor yet). I will go back to buy more. And I need to find hangers... found a shop that I’ll go down to when I have a chance. I want to settle in properly.

I did wetwipe-down the table, the cupboards, the shelves, the chair, and the bedframe and set up the bedding, my com, placed the bags of clothes temporarily in the cupboard, and unpacked my luggage in the process. Felt good.

People outside making noise. Also realized at introductions that I’m actually older than a lot because of NS. The exchange students are all 20-21. There are first year students entering late, and one even just turned 18 two weeks ago. I’m turning 24 in less than two months. Just a little thing.

First day of orientation, sorry “introweek” apart from my own logistics was a short briefing opened by being told to cuddle the people to our left and right (I told the awkward girl on my right who was prepared to hug me “it’s alright” and patted her back lol). Then meeting the “family group” (orientation group led by a few students called “parents”). Some very awkward time “getting to know each other”. A meal. A bit of a tour (though not a proper one) worked into a “whatsapp war” which basically meant going around taking videos and pics of various things like making a human pyramid in the meditation room or watering a plant or painting a single nail matching (I spent a good 15 minutes filing it off later). I mainly just asked practical questions. Where are the washing machines where’s that building I need to go to for a meeting with my tutor, where can I buy food, etc. I had to ask how to use the heater just now. Oh and while going out shopping I passed my apartment and saw someone in the kitchen so I dropped in to say hi. Degree student staying since last semester. Three of those staying in my apartment are the same. There are apparently six of us but I have no idea who the others are. So far all girls which is a bit awkward but all guys would be too in a different way. I’m just awkward and solitary in general.

I tried playing overwatch just now. The ping on the EU servers aint bad... but the sudden lag spikes make it unplayable. Was terrible. Sigh. Ah well. I mean. That’s what I was planning to do at night if everyone just goes drinking. It’s not wasting an opportunity if that’s the case, right? I’m down for almost anything else.

[aplacetoclosemyeyes]

day 2 retrospective (140118)

It’s around 1950 local time now. Today was better. Dinner probably sealed it. Less movement, more relaxation, and a quiet place to text people, watch videos, and feel a little bit at home.

The day began in my last post, but I’ll add on a bit. I woke at 0400 local time, which is 1100 back home. I woke up to a few messages, which was great. Lay in bed for another hour or two before getting up to shower, brush my teeth, etc before waiting for breakfast.

Breakfast was around 0830. I was waiting in the lounge next to the bar where breakfast was served. A middle-aged couple came down and asked loudly whether breakfast was ready, the man expressing… disappointment that it was late. I later guessed that the owner of this place was out late because someone I assumed to be his friend rushed in and opened the place up, and the owner appeared later rubbing his forehead. I overheard his friend telling him “not cool man, not cool” and something about “where did you go?”

I am a master observer with passive perception 27 and passive investigation 25. I took the feat.

Breakfast was… well. I had cereal with milk, a banana, some sort of nutty loaf/bun, tea, and cheese. The cheese was good. The tea was needed. I took my time. It was okay.

I was waiting for the 1100 change of password and for shops to open up.

An extremely drunk man tried to talk to me, convince me to drink water with sugar in it (I humoured him, he later said he wished I had drank tea, I told him I had just done so). He apologized for sounding extremely drunk, because he was. He then showed me his cigarette rolling and tried to get me to smoke one with him, leaving it on the table for me. I told him I didn’t smoke. He said he was just going to leave it there. Then got up and held it to me and asked again.

I shrugged, told him to enjoy his smoke, and watched him to out to the garden.

Wore my coat and left for a walk quickly. Didn’t want to deal with him again. Awkward.

(It’s a bit awkward both not smoking AND not drinking here but I don’t do either and that’s not gonna change.)

I decided to get lost. Did so, knowing I had google maps and a rough sense of direction to guide me back.

Entered a mall and tunnel which led me back to the station. Came out of a different tunnel, and actually got lost. Had lost my orientation underground, with no landmarks or clear turns to remember. No matter. I had google maps. Except that, after showing me the rough direction of the hostel from me, my phone malfunctioned from the cold and wouldn’t work (for awhile at least). I was then genuinely quite lost. Decided to just head in the general direction of the hostel. I remember thinking my legs were cold and starting to feel strangely numb (they are, after all, only protected by one layer in contrast to my upper body’s four). Temperature for today hovered around 0 degrees celsius, +/- 3deg.

I wandered about, taking a few turns I probably shouldn’t have. But I somehow stumbled upon the Museum Speelklok! A museum of mechanical music machines, at one point host to the Wintergatan Marble Machine (I love Wintergatan, theyre up there among my list of top bands) and one of the places I had told myself I would find and visit here. It was closed but I’ll go back.

Eventually found my way back. Bought a wrap for cheap from the supermarket and ate in my room like a NEET because it was comfortable.

A music gig was being set up downstairs. It started. Went on. Was loud. I stayed in my room and watched youtube videos and texted people. It was great. Got to talk to C and B, as well my mum and sis, the latter reporting on the success of the really silly farewell video I had made with zw’s help. Best time I’ve had here so far, really.

A girl and a guy came up separately to avoid the noise. The guy spent a long time on a skype or google voice call working on some google drive files with someone else. Something to do with a project and some students. Can’t recall all the details at the moment, was actively ignoring him. That passive perception can be irritating. Irritating. Realized and brought this up to B that I use “irritating” like Kuriyama does with “unpleasant” in Kyoukai no Kanata. C told me she learnt to uturn on a bike. I told her her phrases looked like beat poetry. I love our chats.

Came back to my room. A British guy named Zack entered and actually introduced himself. We talked a bit. He might actually be moving to Singapore as a cognitive neuroscience researcher in NUS. He asked me a bit about Singapore and NUS and invited me to join him and his friends at their table downstairs where they were listening to music and drinking. I said I was going out, and went for dinner.

Dinner was a conundrum because or the trifecta of money, cold (travel distance) and comfort.

Almost ate from the supermarket again. But I found an Indonesian place that was open and served very familiar rice and veggies and meats! The Indon-looking cook/shopowner was nice, asked me where I was from, expressed concern over the fact that I was travelling alone, and whether I was able find housing (it is notoriously difficult to find affordable long-term housing here). I complimented her food. Talked a bit about how I had been attracted by the familiar stuff, and that it was really good. Little things make a big difference when it comes to my moods. I had been hoping that one of the few positive side-effects of the history Dutch colonialism would be cheap Indon food due to their presence in the area and I was glad to be right about that. It was warm, actually spicy, and the rice and long beans were good, something notable because it’s easy for the former to be hard and the latter to be rubbery. Nice. Said goodbye and thanks. Walked back.

Messaged more. Showered. Here I am.

I may have messed up the chronology a bit. I’ve already corrected one. It’s now 2035. It’s the move to UCU tmrw.

[aplacetoclosemyeyes]

day 1 retrospective (120118/130118/140118)

Typing this on the morning of the 14th, because Lord knows I could barely function yesterday.

It was a long day, both literally and emotionally, and oh my just thinking about it thinking about everything is... ok.

pull yourself together.

You see, this is the reason previoue attempts at journalling never worked out. I was either too worked up to write, writing meant thinking meant pain, or I didn't need to anymore.

Ok so. Let's go. (Hey ho / let's go)

(I need to listen to some music which doesn't make me sad which is difficult).

The more I think the more how much everything is driving me to the brink of a breakdown (and yesterday oh yesterday it did) the more I feel ridiculous and pathetic and HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU IDIOT.

Lord help me. I pray.

Thanks.

I want ny permanent single room so I can cry and let it out then feel better. Anyway.

So yesterday started in Singapore. Home. Met M and B for a "farewell" lunch because I told them not to send me off because it would be awkward. B travelled a long way and got special permiseion to go to work late so that was nice. We had japanese food at Watami at the Star Vista. I had ramen. The ramen wasn:t good but the soup and meat were (I want ramen, I went looking here and found a place but it was "opening soon"). In hindsight I probably wanted something warm and familiar here, which was consciously part of the reason for having thai noodle soup later.

B left to go the MRT. We saw her off. It was strange.

I walked M home to talk, because there was nowhere else to go. A goodbye hug. Hugs are awkward because I am both super uncomfortable with being touched and extremely touch-starved and often wish I could have a hug.

I wasted away the rest of the day (well, until 5pm, when I was to pack my computer) playing overwatch and watching some videos. I knew it'd be the last time in quite awhile and I wanted to just relax. I want to be there again doing that again. Final packing was sobering.

Wow this is actually helping a bit. Passing the time and not falling apart. Soon, at 8, I can get some breakfast. Later I'll be able to pack my stuff properly in my bunk, when the others are awake and won't mind. Time now is 0724. At home it's 1424.

Back to the past.

What was dinner? I can't remember. Something simple, at home. Fried noodles? I could go for some. Starting to feel hungry. Dinner was small and early.

Mom's texting. Sis was at one point too, but she's busy now. I take much comfort from this.

After dinner was when things started to kick in. I hung around at home, everything packed. Didn't want to touch anything so all I basically did was watch Kyle Hill Because Science videos on my phone. I'm a nerd and proud. It means I have things to do when I don't. I could feel the trip coming. (Hah)

Late night travel to the airport for the 0130 flight. Check in was smooth. Dad and bro were making things more stressful. Managed to use recycled strap shorteners to replace tying of bootlaces with a press-release thing. Felt great about that. Almost ate a long-gone-bad pao. Tried to have some macaroni soup, chicken rice stall style. Friend of mine asked for details earlier and hinted that some might come to see me off. I told them not to. They didn't come.

Immigration. Then tried to enter the Gate early by accident. Police told me to wait. When I got to go through I had to remove my boots. Problem: apparently I couldn't. Found out after quite a bit of trying. Had to remove the tightener contraption, unlace, and yank the boots off trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

Boarding. Some holdup. Announcements distorted by the intercomm which I couldn't understand. Missed the call for my section, joined the next one. Got onboard. Got to my seat. This is still all basically familiar, I've flown before (but never alone).

Aisle seat. Both seats to me empty for the longest time... until a tall skinny guy climbs over into the window seat. Still a space inbetween us... until near the end of boarding a really huge fat guy comes to sit inbetween us. He raides the armrest and takes up about a quarter of my space on top of his. I edge away. I still don't think he spoke English so whenever he said something and I replied neither of us understood each other exactly.

Food. It was okay. No idea what it was. Airplane cuisine?

Sleep was terrible. In retrospect funny but not at the time. Not at all. So the guy next to me kept edging into my space. So I leaned left, facing the aisle. I think my head fell out of line with the seat several times because I kept waking to being hit in the face. Or, several times, being elbowed by the half-asleep guy to my right. The window-sitter was largely quiet, apart from a few words exchanged with the middle-seater. I'm guessing they spoke Dutch.

I kept checking the time. I never half-slept more than an hour at a shot. After seven of these, I decided I'd had enough, did some quick calculations on time, and watched Wonder Woman. It was okay. Quite predictable but okay. Not too sad or anything, which was good. I prefer to watch movies with friends. Made me think of that.

Last one was Eve no Jikan with M. Then we watched a bit of Net-juu no Susume, which is amazing and now one of my top-ever anime. hashtag relatable.

Arriving at Amsterdam Schipol Airport was a relief. English signs. Familiar things like immigration and baggage collection.

You'll realize this is a long "day". Amsterdam is 7 hours behind Singapore and because of flight time I had to be at the airport the day before. I wanted to remember my last day in Singapore for awhile.

Then the train saga. Man was this stressful. I'd read up aboutthe OV-chipkaart and where to buy it and where to charge it up and that it needed to be authorized for train use. Ticket machines! Great! Easy! Mastercard "temporarily rejected". By two different machines. Which only accept coins or card. Shit.

Went to a shop and tried to buy water and get change in coins. The shopkeep was kind enough to tell me no, but if I was trying to get a ticket I could go over there to buy one from a person, not a machine.

I went, and got a ticket. It did not say which platform. I did not understand the signs. I went down to one, and them asked a security guard. He pointed me to the correct one. Phew.

Got there. Got on the train, barely managed to get my luggage through the passage. Nice guy moved his stuff to help.

Got to the stop. Saw people getting out from another car. Had no idea how to open the door on mine. Nice guy showed me how. Small round unlabeled metal button opened the doors. Thanked him profusely and left.

No idea how to leave the station. Needed to get OV card or have to walk 20min to hostel. Asked info booth about card. Bought and charged at a store. Google maps had given me a platform number for bus. "D". There was a "D12". I went. It was four different platforms connected. A bus was waiting. I found a sign. I checked my phone. I tried to board. My card didnt work. I tried again.

I got on.

Tracked my path on google maps.

Missed my stop.

Walked 20min in the cold, missing my turn twice.

Bags heavy.

Arrived.

Registered. Time now 0930. Room ready.... 1500 (turned out to be 1600).

locker didnt fit big bag. locked com.

headache

went out to scout for food

everything closed

headache

broke

down

talked to my mom a bit. rested a bit. prayed.

went for lunch. nauseous. had thai food with some warm jasmine tea. Drank and ate so slowly I got asked if the food was ok (and not just a normal question, the lady didnt ask the other customers who came later).

felt better

floor wobbling.

rested

waited

got room. did sheets. settled a bit.

bought a cheap sandwich from supermarket and took meds. probably too early.

showered and slept early. woke early. couldnt sleep again because of man snoring and coughing.

here I am.

there is something wrong with the showers they literally scald.

waiting for breakfast and planning.