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Ocean Melody - Erika Toliusis , 2020.
Uruguayan , b. 1969 -
Oil on canvas , 120 x 120 cm .
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I'm really not sure what compelled me to do this
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it’s like you’re being ratatouilled but the rat is your shame
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ive read a lot of anti-transition arguments towards people unsure about their gender that basically pose any sort of internal exploration as inherently solipsistic and narcissistic, with the mantra being that to think about your relationship to your assigned sex is already thinking too much; you should be thinking less! go get a job! work with your hands! volunteer for the needy! get involved in your local church! pray! marry! start a family! keep yourself busy, so you can never think about yourself again. maybe if you fill your mind with enough noise, you can drown your own conscience out.
im 100% not exaggerating btw, it's actually kind of madness inducing w how many times ive seen people use this mode of argument, it's extremely common. i think ive seen conversion therapy resources use a similar line of reasoning too. and like, if you are a cis person just trying to keep a closeted tranny in the closet, it works like a charm. you can, in fact, drown a person with enough noise and garbage until they stop thinking about their gender dysphoria or, well, anything. all the better that "i saw the tv glow" addresses it head on in relation to the closeted subject in question; yeah, go ahead, do it. you might be trans, you might actually be in serious danger, but it won't hurt if you don't think. and it will work for you, for years and years, and you'll always find more responsibilities and more opportunities to muffle your thoughts. but, maybe 5, 10, 20 years from now, none of the noise will be enough and it will dawn on you, how seriously in danger you actually are - but by that point you've drowned out your own inner conscience so aggressively that there's nothing there, just more of the static and noise of others and no interiority left to seek refuge in. you've got a job, you've buried yourself in work, you've married and have a family; you've given every part of yourself to others just to preclude the possibility of thinking about yourself, for yourself, and now there's no you.
#in a rough turn of events i transitioned and then somehow did this hollowing out of myself after that#strangely by dedicating my life to helping others to transition (good) i fed the urges in myself to be nothing and need nothing and only#only to help others#and i helped a lot of people transition but holy moly am i broken inside. wish i could transition out of this#it is strange. the closet runs deep and labyrinthine. for me it’s tangled up in autism more than transness or gayness#anyway in the spirit of this post i think everyone should buy hormones online and give them to people for free to spark the change#if you don’t want them give them back. but keep them for a while and think about it
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Yves Saint Laurent Haute Couture Spring/Summer 1983
Model: Mounia Orosemane
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Christian Dior by John Galliano Ready-To-Wear Fall/Winter 1997
Model: Karen Mulder
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they match each other’s freak to a degree that is dangerous to the public
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in absolute tears about the pride module at my work
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Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.
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i love normal guys who are somehow in insane queer online circles they’re like damn someone said something crazy at the office today i need to tell lilith, santiago and d0gpuk3 about this
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