apprehensivestomach

[apprehensivestomach]

8422i feel like im living in some crazy futuristic simulation and it is so rocky ahhahahhaa but i plan to get more deeply involved in it as well ive been busy living in my brain but now it be time to have more outward expression and be a citizen of the universe :) :) :)

WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP WHAT LIGHTS YOU UP WHAT

git high on ur oowwwwwnnnnn supply - BECOMING THE COOLEST PERSON YOU KNOW >explorer of the world >be a good friend to the oneness / thee golden heart >catalyst of dreams (love u mmooommmmm) >dance >always learning new things >present >healthy/mindful > kGET AROUND PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO BE DOING get around more ambitious people seek advice and guidance from them we are co creating with the universe trust what youre bringing and trust that it has value

what's not working for me?? -mindset -lack of routine -hard drugs -staying in mn howsthatmakeyoufeel like why dont i start a routine already... noneedtofocusonthatwhenicanmoveaheadto whocouldibe? PROLIFIC // ORIGINAL // CONNECTED actiontowards i can be this person now

WHEN I WAKE UP I WILL... /NOT check phone (ugh that i even have to say this...) /jk i want to film my journey /breathwork and stretch /take a moment to state what im grateful for

[apprehensivestomach]

8/1/22fjfminewf;8ajvnueirajf8paloveeeeetheneurodivergenthomies heheheheeheemfavoritepeopletotalktolistentowhateverimnotsure whereimgoingorwhatexactlyiwantevenalliknowisthatineedanewsort ofexistencethantheoneivebeengoingonforhtepastseveralyears irelapsedthispastweekandhaventreallytoldanyonebutafterthispast experienceiknowitisablackholeofnothingnesstobefoundasidefrom sufferingsufferingsufferingthereisalwayssomethingidprefertobe doingandtherealreasoniendupdoingharddurgsisbecauseimhomeless andendupwithwithwithwithwithstayingwithpeoplewhoalsodonthave theirshittogetherandendupdoingharddrugswiththembecausehowelse amigonnabeabletostandbeingaroundthemifimnotalsointoxicated soooooineedtofindbetterfriendshoooooonestlyijustwanttohaveahome asecureplacewhereicanfeelcomfortableandcanbealoneandcanstream anddanceanddecorateandcollecthings,getalegitimatedailyroutine goingformyautisticselftoreallysettleinandmaybegetsomerealsheit doneandstayhealthyandlearneverydayandaaahhhhhhhhhhhwhatelseare youtryingtodoouthere??? uhhhhhhiwanttojustexperiencethisworldtoadeeperextentbutidont knowexactlyhowtododatdodaticouldbecomeanexpertwanderermaybei reallyjustshouldsendittothehosteltradeshitincoloradoandtake itfromthereuhhhhhimgonnagogethighanddrivebackfrommymomstothe cities

[apprehensivestomach]

7.22.19

So, this is the life. Laying on the floor of my bedroom, as I am without a bed. It’s going alright. I think there may actually be some cool people out here existing and I don’t have to befriend them all. God, I probably sound like such an idiot. 

It feels strange to be myself and I’m sure anyone else. Taking part in this breath and dance. Why do I so often feel nervous? Everything will be as it should...or whatever.

I’m waiting around for a call from Andersen Window’s. I think it could be cool to check it out - I’d be making a lot more money. I appreciate what my current job does to benefit me, but I’d like to not live paycheck to paycheck. Maybe buy some hot goth boots. I feel like life is so bizarre that you shouldn’t feel ashamed expressing yourself. Why am I so afraid? Why am I always running? I just disagree so much with the reality of humanity and it’s easier to deal with less people staring. But who really gives a shit, if you look disturbing, I think that’s tight. Damn it. Fuck. What the fuck. Looking at yourself changing over time is an interesting experience. My mind sure changes a lot. That’s what’s hard, sometimes - not having a clue how to feel because I’m unsure of everything.

Life’s a joke. I take that back. I’m in a rough spot. I just want to express myself better and understand myself better.

I’ve been so low lately. Summer is a difficult season. It’ll be okay. I impulsively attempted to break up with *REDACTED*, changed mind after hour long melt-down. I really love *REDACTED*. Part of me just wants to completely isolate and do more drugs. Very rational stuff. I’m just confused on how to get the most life experience in such a small amount of time as my life. I’d just like to observe. How can I do that better? Maybe try to be friendly, I go out of my way to...Ha hahaha, I don’t have any faith it’ll be worth it, though. Maybe take more artsy photos and meet people online? Develop actual friendships? AND MAKE ART 

What do people eat to stay alive? The fuck? I’m always so hungry. Food costs so much money. I’m figuring it out though. I think smoking so much weed and birth control side effects are making me constantly munchy. I’m gaining weight. A small chub could be cute. Mostly, I’d just like to be healthy. Or whatever. 

I’m dying my hair...AGAIN. I’m bleaching the parts closer to my roots and then putting red over all of it. I have wigs, who cares if it all falls out? Fuck it. I’d rather just have fun expressing myself and I don’t have money for tattoos, yet. Though, I’ve been considering piercing my lip again. 

Halloween idea: trickster fairy

CORPSE/GHOST

10:57pm Stop worrying. Switch your focus to simply being, and knowing you have everything you need already inside of you. You have the power to manifest anything you want. It’s time to intentionally shift focus. You have every right to take up space and exist in this universe. You will cross so many paths, all you can do is try to make the best out any situation. Take note of what gives you joy, and what you can do when you don’t feel good to make yourself feel better. 

Don’t stress about creating, just do it when it feels right. It is not your sole purpose to create - too much fire and you’ll just burn yourself out. However, multiple humans have told me I should attempt piecing together adornments to sell, like my mom. I think that’s a really cool idea. I have a lot of flavor. 

Things I’m grateful for: 

candles - thrift shops - film cameras - cheap hair dye - my van - accessible music - CAT - the internet - my health - my abundant life - the urge to create - truth - people online willing to share their lives publicly - eye liner - fruit - clean water - my maturing spirit - a world full of opportunity

[apprehensivestomach]

7.21.19

I’m an impulsive depressed fuck. I’m working on being less ‘irrational.’ It’s hard to just always exist here, now. It’s strange, constantly analyzing what’s around me and my reaction to it. I feel so insecure of my growing self. I’m reluctant to share myself, humans so often disappoint me. I’m confused as to how to treat anything in my life. I feel so...lost. But somehow, at the same time, I feel a deep calm in knowing I’m right here where I should be - if anything were to change, that’s fine. Life is in no way fair, and I just have to do what I can with the given circumstances. 

Anyway, I’m antsy as hell. I want to do something, but I’ve no idea what. I want to do ‘self care’ bullshit, but I did a bunch last night and don’t want my skin to freak out. I guess I could chill out, maybe drink water n draw some shit. 

[apprehensivestomach]

7.17.19

Summer’s going by fast and I’m not upset about it. I ought to make more plans to live in art, but otherwise I’m doing okay. I got my car fixed ENOUGH to drive around but still should replace the back calipers as soon as I have $$$. Until then, I can finally apply at Andersen’s, and if I get the job that will be very nice, at least for a while. Being able to buy art supplies!? Fuck yes, I need to make more art. I’m attempting to make it more of a habitual thing to stay up late listening to music and studying the craft. Things are looking up. Life is pretty strange and oblique.

[apprehensivestomach]

7.16.19 

It’s 2pm, all I’ve done today is eat toast and cry. 

[apprehensivestomach]

7.15.19

Who am I, what am I doing? well, I haven’t written for a while, so here i am. I’m listening to Elliott Smith on repeat. Red flag? So what, I’m depressed, sometimes just less so. I had a pretty good run there. It’s been going downhill since it started getting better.

Life has been pretty stressful lately. My car broke down and I’ve been trying to fix that for over a month now. I’ve been anxious about my relationship and whether or not I should be in it. I love *REDACTED* so much, but damn he stresses my out like no other - I think because I care so much, but also I just don’t feel comforted by him. I know he wants to help, but he has no idea how - he’s never been depressed. The difficult thing is how misunderstood I feel. It’s hard to not feel ‘seen’ by your lover. I seem to push everyone in my life away but it’s because I already feel so separate. I feel like no one can really relate. I feel very alone and without purpose. Spinning on this strange rock in space, caught up in the bullshit of my own life and illusions. I think I’d like to be bold and die young. Focus more on art, generally care less - but, fuck! How can I care less when I only have one life to live and time keeps slipping, slipping by? Stuck in the now and I know not how to grasp it - how to make it worthwhile. I know we are one, but god are we separate! I think I’m manic - I crave impulsive change and more exciting lifestyle - is that manic or just normal to want change? 

To complete my update, I went to the Rainbow Gathering for 8 days - man, was that strange. I’m not going to talk about it cause it’s too long ‘a thought. However, relationship dynamics and constantly being surrounded by humans wasn’t my jam. When I got home, Batman died and I unexpectedly moved in with *REDACTED* because living in that environment was complete shit - so many bad memories. Thank heavens for my best friend *REDACTED*. We’ve been through so much, and now we live together. <3 So far it has been very nice. It’s cool living with someone you trust. When I have more money, I’ll be baking a lot more cookies n stuff. Right now I’m paying 2 rents and getting my car fixed so I don’t have much money. As soon as my car gets fixed (probably tomorrow) I can apply at Andersen Windows and get paid so much more! I can establish financial security while staying up all night trying to ‘spice up’ my life. I need to make better art. God I need to make better art. I can replicate photos alright, but what’s the message, what’s the point? I should spend more time on individual sketches. 

...Anyway, to sum it up, I’m a lost goon too insecure and judgmental to make friends, and too confused about my relationship to do anything. My life has just been a lot less cool than I wanted. I need to figure out what to change and follow through. 

[apprehensivestomach]

[apprehensivestomach]

hello i talk to myself i enjoy recording things :)