aprayerforclarity

[aprayerforclarity]

5/1 - Queen of Cups: Reversed

You know, everyday is a new day to wake up, get clicked into work and get into the right mentality. I just got an ice bath cool that I'm currently very obsessed with. I'm curious about how cold it can maintain the waters in the virginia environment. The standard chiller I got was 600 dollars and it said it was good to cool water down to 41 degrees in exxternal temperatures of 85 and lower. Well, in the summer in the Shenandoah Valley where I live, sometimes the daytime highs get to the 90s and stay there. It seems that the chiller does the majority of the cooling down at night, but then I want to see how well it can maintain that temperature throughout the day.

Anyways, I think I'm just excited about my new routine of getting a shocking wakeup from the cold plunge, starting my day with a shower and then drinking coffee. It feels good to think that I can potentially start having a more solid morning routine to snap me into place. I'm realizing a shower in the morning may be a key for me? I don't know if that's because I feel cleaner to start the day or what, but I'm really liking it.

I'm also just really consumed in the cold plunge right now... Really excited to see what regular, easy, morning use and do for my mind and body. A few days I go I got back into the gym and I started hitting my regular lifts with a higher intensity, lower rep and I didn't injure myself, but I did hurt myself pretty bad in my biceps so I've not been hitting the gym as hard (which is funny, because I just recently decided that I really did want to get back into the gym in a new and more intense way)

Anyways, I'm trying to snap into work now so we'll see how this goes

[aprayerforclarity]

4/8 - King of Swords

You know, it really is crazy how much physical exercise or a sweat in the sauna can change your outlook. It really has been since before California that I've been feeling really depressed. I've just felt kind of lost and low energy and I'm not being able to focus on anything and yeah, just shitty. As a result of that kind of just slept in bed a lot and Bill about my days. I'm really sure of what to do with myself or being unable to do anything because I was so drained of energy and focus. As a result, I kind of just started eating more junk and yeah, it just was a spiral for me. It's just so funny that I've learned these lessons before of what it's like to feel like shit or be in a downward spiral yet I still forget about them sometimes.

I'm currently working a freelance gig for this company's website where I'm not only having to redo functionality. I'm also having to plan organize an implement how they're going to be doing there business on the backend. It's a WordPress website, but it has extensive custom coding to make the site work, which to be honest is pretty simple functionality, they're just virtual learning classrooms.

I've already helped them with a lot of of implementations and I have a whole list of things that I've marked off and created. That have been really important and already saved the company money and made lives easier for some people. However, the major issue in the first thing that we actually talked about me, implementing was making sure that a new classroom module could be added to the website. The company has had three developers so far, the first initial developer who set up how everything worked, a second developer (who actually was just a UIUX guy) who tried to implement a learning management system plug into the website to little avail, and then there's me.

The first developer was pretty clever, but he did kind of arguably overcomplicate things, but he was able to set things up and had a vision for how he wanted to control everything. However, his implementation of everything did work on the surface level, but through just minimal stress testing and bug hunting you can see that there's a lot of front and rendering problems or how the query to the back and only works in like a very specific surface level case. So I'm not only fixing his bugs, I'm also expanding the system and trying to clean everything up to make it easier for future developers.

The second developer was honestly kind of in over his head. I've seen where he's tried to make a couple pages when he initially was trying to make it so that you could add the financial curriculum course to the website, but he ended up giving up. Instead, he just basically implemented a out of the box product for the website, but even then he couldn't find a way to implement it into the website. The teacher of the class (who happens to be a close friend of mine) had to email a link out every week to it students, which is kind of silly honestly.

That's where I came in and started working on things. My main conundrum was that I didn't know if I should pivot to a learning management system plug-in or if I should go more into the direction at the first developer had laid out. Obviously my goal is to streamline everything and it's some sort of dashboard that can store student documents, pull up students who are added to classes, create new classes on the website, pull forms and documents that have been auto graded, things like this.

And I think that the root of my depression came from that. I just didn't know which direction to go and I didn't wanna mess it up as someone who's just a freelance solo developer, I'm basically on my own in the illness is entirely on myself. If I mess things up or if I can't figure things out, that just completely reflects on me and that's scary for someone who's kind of new to this profession.

I talk to my other friend whose developer and she was saying that there are times when you might not be making the perfect decision as far as a direction in which to move a project, but it's OK because you should just make that decision anyway and start moving forward and working on something. I've been spending a lot of time deliberating before my actions to make sure that I'm making the "perfect" decision for the future of the project. But the truth is that everything is itterable and expansion, reshaping and learning is something that should always be happening in software development for anything.

Anyways, I have been working on the site and it's been going really smoothly. I am already almost done with all of the changes I needed to make to it and that has alleviated a lot of my dread. It's also just amazing to me that going to the sun and sweating and getting my blood pumping really does help me get more clearheaded and calm me down.

I need to remember that I need to go to the gym and honestly a good motivator for that is Jake and Kristin's wedding coming up. I can work on trying to lose weight and build more muscle mass. I need to remember that think of a good routine that can accommodate my life and how I wanna feel and everything now that I'm moving in this new direction.

[aprayerforclarity]

Quincy's Big Ball

hey guys,

I know you all have been worried sick about where I've been. And I'll tell you. I've been working on this short story for months and I've submitted it to numerous global competitions, where I've won every single one and now I'm getting a book deal signed. I'm happy to be able to share this here with you! Thank you

The pregnant grandma took two look around the room before saying, "you know what? I think I'm ready. I'm ready to let this baby you loose!"

Everybody stared and looked "Uhh, Quincy? Are you sure about this?"

"absolutely. I've been carrying this baby for close to three years now and I think I'm finally ready to shove it out." The whole room went quiet. People looked around and at each other, sifting back-and-forth uneasily on their feet. Finally Greg spoke out.

"Well, OK Quincy. We're ready when you are"

The crowd gathered around Quincy. She appear quite a bulbous 80-year-old. Her shaking, pale legs with knobby kneecaps trembled with the anticipation and weariness of a three-year pregnancy. She had never been so eager, but also so scared in her life. She really didn't want to let the baby go. Ever since that night with Thomas, she had felt this pregnancy was her way of holding onto him.

Her pregnancy had been mostly painful. Anytime Quincy would roll around in her bed, her stomach would cry out in an aching pain as the baby protested it's immanent crushing. And in the mornings after those sleepless nights, Quincy would wake up and have to go to the toilet to shit. The shits were surprisingly small, as Thomas's baby had greedily absorbed as much nutrients as it could. In a way, every time Quincy turned around to look at her shit in the toilet, it made her think of Thomas. An uneasy smile would form on her face.

She couldn't even eat her favorite popcorn. Quincy loved the cinnamon toast crunch kettle corn sold that Shirley's popcorn downtown. Every time she would partake in her favorite treat, she would become violently ill, and the image of Thomas's sugar coated penis would flash in her mind.

She would never forget that night. But she would also never forget what Thomas did to her.

"Okay! I'm ready to go now" Carefully Quincy began to lean back, as the people behind her extended their upward hands to catch her. They hoisted her onto her back while two others appeared around her sides to support her ankles. This community didn't believe in stirrups, so they took it upon themselves to get Quincy comfortable and ready for the expulsion.

"All right! Let's fire this thing off!" one pink, swollen man yelled from the crowd.

Quincy began groaning and moaning. She felt a release in her lower body, but soon after the tension of her stressed uterus. The relief from the holding of all this time mixed with the pain of the stretching of her uterus canal. It was a strange moment of pleasure and pain, once again, reminding her of the night with Thomas. It had all started with him, must it now end with him too?

She took a deep breath and began pushing harder and harder out her ass. She could feel the pressure in the straining. She found noises jumping out of her mouth that she didn't know she could make.

"Come on you've got this!" yelled a sturdy looking woman who was holding her left ankle.

"You can do it!, " a crinkly, old man screamed as a battle cry.

He wound back his right hand above his head and began making making a spinning windmill gesture. Though his shoulder seemed weak, it's lack of muscle allowed the spinning to go faster and faster and faster until his frail arm and bony hand attached gained great momentum.

He walked up beside Quincy and let her rip. His bony right hand collided with Quincy's bottom with great force. The impact of his hand smacked into her right butt cheek, causing a ripping wave of energy to travel through her body. The seismic impact jostled all of her bones and caused them to quiver, loosen then tighten again in a brace.

Immediately the pressure seemed to change, gained even more intensity that Quincy didn't know was possible. The entire strain could now be felt through her entire body.

Everything had been heightened suddenly, she could feel the air around her and the heat of her skin. She knew that it would take every ounce within her to give birth to new life, but now she could actually feel it.

She let out a screeching roar, her vocal cords, frail, and shrilling with her age.

She was reaching a in Apex to the feeling to the experience, when suddenly, it stopped. The only way that she knew that it stopped though what's through the reactions of everyone around her. Many gasped, some cheered, many of the men held their hands over their mouths in shock and amazement.

From Quincy's closed eyes, she looked around the room to gauge what it happened.

She then turned her attention down towards her center. There she saw Henrietta, holding something rather inorganic in her hand. It was not something smooth and wet, but rather it had right angles, and something with a matte finish. For what felt like forever eventually, Quincy's vision came closer to focus as she squinted at the woman in front of her.

Henrietta was holding a blood smeared calculator in her hand. As Quincy continued looking it over, she realized it was no fancy scientific calculator, but rather a common desk calculator.

Then Quincy studied Henrietta his face. Her eyes were enlarged and glistening. She was staring at the calculator., holding it with both hands with such a gentle and loving hold. "isn't she beautiful?" Henrietta said.

Quincy was suddenly very horrified, as her mind began putting together all of the events of what it happened to this point. She was just about to scream when she saw Henrietta reach over and type something on the calculator.

"aw, look. I've made her smile."

Henrietta then turned the calculator towards Quincy, and all she saw displayed and the faded all of backlight of the calculator was

8)

[aprayerforclarity]

A Mystic title goes in this place

I'm gonna start using this voice to text tool for doing my journaling and writing for a while and see what that's like. It's funny that this hasn't occurred to me, since I've really only been using it to prompt AI while I'm working on a technical project, but it actually seems like it could be a really helpful way for me to get out my thoughts and document them more clearly. It also appeals to the lazy boy in me. I don't know, there's something about typing versus just being able to speak them that I feel like I sometimes lose my train of thought when I'm trying to focus on writing something down.

This is gonna sound cringe, but I'll say it anyway. I have been told that I am quite a good conversationalist. I am definitely a verbal processor when I'm trying to understand new concepts and things. I feel I've honed my ability to be able to speak to people and to speak to ideas and convey them.

I've been told I'm good at explaining stuff and I think that by using this kind of cringe voice to text tool, this actually might be the exact right instrument for my writing. This will really help me journal my ideas and get them down.

I'm embarrassed to be admitting this, but I'm also gonna try this with my fiction writing as well. I realized, and I think I talked about this in a previous post, that for me, the approach I've taken to writing has been wrong. I've come from the backside of it- the "analytical, intellectual, rational and finite" way of creating a story and then filling in the vivid details as I try to convey these pre-plotted arcs, points and characters.

What I think is going to be my best approaches is actually closing my eyes and getting in touch with the vision of it. And when I say "the vision", I don't mean the overall meaning of the project. I mean, I want to literally be able to see a scene, see a character and see them talk and move in my mind's eye. Instead of crafting something from within, or feeling, I must rely on wit or perceived form of ingenious creative wordsmithing, I just want to tune in. I want to become an observer and convey what I'm actively seeing.

I think that this voice to text is really gonna be helpful for that. Not only will it make things easier for me by eliminating typing, the saving time, it will allow me to take my time to focus on the images I see come to mind and not lose them.

I also think that by making this process a lot quicker, it will help cut down on me getting distracted. I noticed when I'm taking a long time to do something. I'll start losing interest in it and then I start shifting my focus to other things and it gets harder and harder to finish the thing I have at hand.

I'm hoping that this will not only result in better, more vivid writing, but that it will also lower the barrier of difficulty I have to start writing. I'll start by journaling and then I'll dive into some fictional writing and see how it goes!

[aprayerforclarity]

1/15 - Ten of Wands reversed

For a long time, I’ve believed that being smart, logical, and methodical is the most important way to process the world. Even as I write this—through the haze of a foggy morning brain—I feel an internal pressure to organize my thoughts, to make them appear polished and professional. Somewhere along the way, I internalized the idea that writing is something reserved for geniuses, like David Foster Wallace or Thomas Pynchon. These authors are revered not just for their mastery of language and storytelling but for their avant-garde, experimental approaches. They’re geniuses, undeniably.

I’ve admired their work for years, alongside authors like Tom Robbins. Their brilliance seems to lie as much in the how of their writing as in the what. For a long time, I thought to write well meant aspiring to their intellectual heights. It’s easy to conflate the ability to describe complex themes or write dense prose with being a “true writer.” I see now that I’ve placed too much emphasis on intellectualizing writing.

This mindset has influenced how I approach my own storytelling—obsessing over outlines, character arcs, and themes. While those tools are valuable for analyzing and dissecting a story, I’ve been approaching them in a backward way. I’ve prioritized them over something more fundamental: imagination.

I used to think great authors constructed their work with a conscious, methodical focus on structure—plot threads meticulously planned and themes deliberately inserted. But I’ve come to believe those elements are often afterthoughts. Writing doesn’t begin with mechanics; it begins with imagination.

It’s such a simple realization, yet it feels revolutionary to me. For years, I’ve been trying to intellectualize my way through writing, as though it’s an exercise in being smart. But the essence of storytelling is about painting vivid pictures in the reader’s mind, not assembling a puzzle piece by piece. It’s about conjuring images, emotions, and experiences so visceral they almost feel real.

Alan Moore once said something to the effect of: If the artist doesn’t feel the emotion of what they’re creating, how can they expect their audience to feel it? That struck a chord with me. I’ve been trying to write scenes without fully imagining them first. Instead of letting the images form organically, I’ve forced descriptions, relying on technique instead of instinct.

This realization has changed how I approach not just writing but consuming art. When I read a book or watch a movie, I actively engage my imagination. I picture the characters, the setting, the lighting, the sounds. Instead of passively consuming, I’ve been working to immerse myself. It’s made the experience so much richer, transforming media from entertainment into something magical.

I’ve realized how lazy I’ve become with my imagination, expecting books or films to do all the work for me. This might be a personal flaw, but I also think it’s a byproduct of living in an era of instant gratification, where everything is designed to captivate us effortlessly.

Since rediscovering my imagination, my writing has started to shift. I no longer worry so much about forcing out polished scenes or perfectly crafted themes. Instead, I’m focusing on creating vivid images in my mind and letting them guide my words.

I want to strengthen this ability further. I plan to incorporate meditation, quiet reflection, and exercises to help me visualize scenes and characters more clearly. No more forcing themes or overanalyzing structure. I still have a framework for where I want my story to go, but I now understand that imagination is the engine driving it forward.

Writing, at its heart, is about conveying what you see and feel in a way that resonates with others. I trust that as I deepen my connection to my imagination, the other elements—structure, flow, and polish—will follow naturally.

It feels almost embarrassing to admit this realization because it seems so basic, like something a child inherently understands. But somewhere along the way, I lost that connection. I leaned too far into the rational side of my mind and forgot how to dream. Now, I’m relearning the language of imagination and letting it lead me back to what writing is really about: creating worlds from nothing and inviting others to step inside.

[aprayerforclarity]

10/18 - Ace of Cups Reversed

Meditating just now I realized there can be two major ways that the practices I do change the effects of the action. The original way I practiced meditation is through total sensory deprivation. This way, I blindfolded myself and put in ear plugs. It is a very radical way of practicing meditation. Immediately, once choosing to tune into your thoughts, they swirl and swirl around in an almost overwhelming manner. Not that it feels bad, it just feels pretty chaotic. I view it as a way of checking in on my thoughts. I do not judge them, or seek to do anything about them. I do not try to change them or silence them in any way. I just let them flow. In a way it is fairly uncomfortable, and not exactly fun. I feel that sometimes I may turn away from meditating this way. I've been trying to work on my willpower and mind control, an making myself do this practice, but honestly it just becomes a bit of a thing I unconciously try to avoid now.

Just now I practiced

I'm thirsty, I'm going into the other room to grab a glass of water and then I'll be back to finish this thought.

As an additional example of how I feel like I have some form of ADD, while I was gone to get a glass of water I cooked and ate a steak. Then I answered my texts messages and made an appointment with a friend.

Anyways, I've now done a couple of meditations with audio playing. I don't think guided meditations sound very appealing to me at all, but frequencies are appealing. I've been playing the album Trilogie De La Mort by Eliane Radigue. I remember my old friend Lyndsey saying she had a transcendental sexual experience with herself when she listened to it back when we lived in Keezletown.

I've found that with frequencies playing, my mediations seem to have a different effect. I still close my eyes and actively sit. My thoughts still come bubbling up, and just as them seem to materialize in my head they are drowned out by the droning frequencies of the music. I found that this kind of sound meditation is good for smoothing the mind and diffusing my swirling mind. Its good for resetting my mind for clarity and improved cognition, like resetting the cache in a browser or on a computer. I seem to really like this and I'm curious to continue practicing in this way. Perhaps combining the two could be very powerful.

Anyways, as far as other things that are currently on my mind is the new Atlus RPG, Metaphor: Refantazio. This game has absolutely consumed me. This game made me realize again my true love and enchantment JRPGs have over me. Of course the fantasy world is pretty compelling, dealing with themes of capitalism, racism, injustice and fully realizing the different sides of yourself. But what I really love it the combat.

I'm realizing how much I love planning things out and synergizing characters abilities to maximize whatever outcome I'm looking for. Like many Atlus games, there's a time management element that overarches the whole experience. In this game, a week consists of 5 days. Each day consists of two timeframes, morning and evening. You have free reign to run around, shop for items, talk to people and accumulate requests, and build social bonds with various teammates and supporting characters. There's a weather component in the world, and on bad weather days, you lose certain battle abilities when exploring dungeons. The game just sets up systems where players have to be strategic when deciding what activities they're planning to do during their days.

It is just so much fun. I really really love all the layers to the game. The storytelling, the combat, the characters and the world all have so much to them, sometimes to the point of being slightly overwhelming. It's well known that Atlus games are very dialogue heavy, and I will admit I have been skipping some dialogues or character comments during certain points in the game. However, the most recent plot point that happens actually kept my interest, and even moved me. It even scared me and provoked thoughts about losing a child and what that can do to a parent. This game just keeps unfolding and surprising me at every point, in the most satisfying of ways.

As far as the combat goes, I would have to say this game has my favorite of all the Atlus games I've played. They've made a lot of improvements to the combat systems, like including turn order numbers and turn counters. It's a slight but substantial tweak on how landing critical or weakness hits on enemies rewards you, and it encourages flexibility and better strategizing.

I'm playing this game on Hard mode, and it's completely satisfying me. What I like about playing games on Harder modes is that, in order to be successful, you need all the leverages and advantages you can get. You achieve these by fully implementing all the game mechanics to your favor, which requires more thought and satisfying maneuvering. It adds real variety to the game that keeps it engaging.

It's very inspiring to me and makes me want to make a game like this. I've actually already starting, using Cursor code visualizer and Monogame's C# game framework. I went with that framework because it's free, open source, cross platform, and of course Eric Barone used it to make Stardew Valley. I'm looking forward to continuing to experiment with it, but I still know very little about major development concepts. I need to ask questions about it, but to be honest I've been so consumed by Metaphor and unmotivated because of the upcoming holiday chaos. For now, I don't really care. I'm going to continue playing Metaphor and enjoying it to it's fully extent before I go away to Florida! I'm hoping to work on it in some downtime there and over the holidays, but we'll see about all that!!! :)

[aprayerforclarity]

10/11 - Eight of Pentacles

Honestly just writing this today to make sure I can get it in. I dont like writing with a pencil or pen because it takes me a lot longer and my thoughts come so quickly I feel like I lose them and trip over them before I can fully get them out.

I'm reading/listening to Writing Down the Bones and I'm really enjoying it, but it is making me think about how it is such a privilege to be able to write on a computer. Even over a typewriter. Having to readjust it and listen to that incessant "ding" at the end of every line sounds like such a chore. I'm really enjoying and feeling motivated and inspired by everything. I like the more mystical thinking.

I've also startd playing Metaphor Refantazio. It's a brand new IP created by Atlus games. At the very beginning of the game, the game begins talking about the game itself. It starts by addressing you, the player on the couch, and asking what your real-life name is. It then begins making references to the world we live in as humans outside of the video game. It talks about how this world of humans must be perfect, free of all faults and utopian. It then goes on to ask about the nature of fantasy and fiction, if it is limited by the confines of imagination, and can it effect worlds outside of the realms in which it operates. I said that it could, because fiction absolutely effects the real world in which humans experience it. It can help us empathize with others or help introduce us to new ideas. The beginning of this game posits that perhaps the point of ficiton is to try to make the world a better place? I think it just depends of the ficiton.

Anyways, I'm finding myself really enjoying this new JRPG. IStyliztically its very maxiamlize, which atlus is know for, but I like it. It's kind of urban fantasy, that using a lot of color palettes. At first I didn't think I wass ready to get invested into a whole new fantasy world, but now I'm realizing that I really like it.

I'm drawn to the different races of people. Every race is humanoid, to the point where they all look almost identical to humans, except for different animal appendages coming out of there heads. For example, the Clemars are a race that have what resemble ram or cow horns sprouting from their heads. The Paripuses have feline ears. The Roussaintes resemble humans, but have elongated ears, like Elves from Lord of the Rings, with hair tufts at the end of them.

I like that very early on its clear that there is a lot of racial discrimation in this world. There's a lot of discrimation in general, as capitalism is apparent and there's a theme of the haves and the have-nots. I like the direction that it seems to be moving where it feels like the boundaries between fiction and reality are blending. It makes me interested and I feel like I'm becoming more invested.

I'm just trying to finish this up now. It's almost midnight and honestly I'm just filling this out now to make sure I actually do it. I want to go to bed. Before this I went to see Wicked and honestly didn't love it. The music was really fun but I felt like all the heartfelt moments and complexities of character that I really admire in a lot of my fiction these days gets very lost in the gradnous world and the sake of moving the plot along. It was visually really fun and the characters being dynamic was really fun, but honestly it really wasn't something I loved. I can't exactly say I was glad to see it? Very forgetable but nonetheless had fun experiencing it with my roommate and young girl friends who grew up on it. They absolutely adored it.

[aprayerforclarity]

12/10 - Nine of Cups

Okay, I just got back from the Seattle trip with Dogwood tales. It was my first time going to the Pacific Northwest. I had a feeling I was really going to love it out there, and it was true. It really reminded me of all my favorite parts of Viriginia, but it felt like all those parts were just magnified.

We stayed with Kyle and Ben's childhood friend Mike Fazier and his wife Stephanie Bruno. Mike is a big white guy. Blonde long hair that falls down to his shoulders. Thick and beautiful, yet unkempt, like a surfer. He has a very kind and handsome face. He's very easygoing, says "dude" a lot and is always being extremely positive. He seems like he's from Virginia Beach or California. Every sandwich he eats or mountain view he sees is the best thing ever. He's the most positive and overstated guy I've ever met in my life, to the point where it's kind of exhausting.

His wife Stephanie is equally as positive and kind. She has darker sicilian skin, plump and beautiful wavy hair. She's definitely more of the pragmatic type. She has a beautiful voice that's kinda deep and buttery soft. She's loves all forms of art, and is a writer herself. I found myself very inspired by her work ethic on things, even though from the very limited reading I have done of her novel I wasn't the biggest fan of. She is a very logical person, always seeming to make lists of things from herself of Mike to do during their day. Whenever Mike had grand plans, it was Steph that checked him or hammered down the details of how the plans would be implemented.

They both love smoking weed, eating amazing food, and enjoying all the positive things in life. Music, conversation, leftist and humanist idealogies. They live in a very ideal world, and they were very proud and eager to show off Seattle to our entire crew.

The entire trip was a whirlwind. I got in very late that first night, and in the morning we had already hit the road, driving from Seattle over to Snoqualmie to walk in nature, see the river and Snoqualmie falls, and see a beautiful view from the cascades. After coffee, lunch, and many laughs and photos later, we headed back home, to turn right around to head to their first show.

They played to over 200+ people in Seattle. It was a really good show, but the entire time everyone on the trip was so tired, propped up by caffeine, travel adereinline and the infectious energy of Mike and Steph and the beautfil new surroundings we found ourselves in.

From there is was non-stop for the next three days, traveling around, seeing mountains, playing shows, and staying up very late. Shows usually didn't end until midnight or so. We couldn't leave before the other bands finished playing, because that's considered rude to the others on the bill. I found myself trying to be around to watch all the others bands on the bills, but it was very challenging when I was so tired. My legs hurt, my back and body ached from being cooped up in the van for half of the day, and a lot of the times I wasn't really into the music of the other bands. This whole trip, despite how I was physcially or mentally feeling, I really made an effort to try to stay very positive and not take up too much emotional space in the thousands of social interactions we had amongst ourselves.

He had a day of respite, where I was still obliged by Mike to walk around their neighborhood of Ballard and do more siteseeing. I was so exhausted and stinky from the lack of showering that I think instead of going to the pinball arcade with some of the crew, I feel asleep around 8pm. I think I slept for 14 hours that day, and woke up feeling completely restored, but had a tinge of regret of missing the arcade.

After that it was off to Vancouver, where we stopped at an abandoned insane asylum. It was in a very rural area in very nothern washington, and it seemed that the county turned it into a recreational and walking park for visitors.

After the park we continued the drive into Vancouver. We had probably my favorite meal of the trip in an area of the city called Gastown. That neighbor was named after a man called Gassy Jack, which I liked a lot. that neighborhood also had a big asian influence to it. We ate at a Japanese sushi restuarant, where Mike cried at the table. He told us that earilier in the year he had been to this restuarant, and he was super sick and couldn't enjoy any of the meal because of his brain tumor. The dinner really felt like a triumph to him, because after the surgery and medications, he finally felt like himself again.

After dinner we went to a cool little honky tonk bar. It was the least attended show on the tour. From there we didn't stay in Canada, and drove back down to Seattle.

From there is was more just putsing around Seattle. I felt mildly sleep deprived the entire time, sleeping on couch cushions laid out on the floor, inflatable sleep pads and couches. It really was such a blast and it really was very intense.

We joked a lot. We jokingly said a lot of terrible and nasty things to each other, knowing it was a safe space amongst each other. I think that the brutalism of touring is really cut by saying such terrible things. It's as equally hilarious as it is innappriate and disturbing.

Whilst on this trip I felt very inspired. I was doing a lot of inspiring things. From seeing dramatic new forms of nature, to reading my new comic book anthology by Alan Moore, to watching the guys play to half attended shows and traveling grooling distances for the sake of their dreams, to going to the Pop culture muesuem and visiting the Scifi/Fantasy all of fame. Everything I was doing and consuming was all built on a dream. A dream of other everyday humans, or dreams of God.

I realized that no matter how I feel, no matter what limits that seem to be keeping me from doing the things I really want to be doing, you can almost always push through them when you get into the zone. I always realize that it all keeps coming back into focus. You have to remain focused on your goals in order to achieve them. No matter what. Even if all the elements in life seem to make it seem like it's not possible, or you're wasting your time, or that the timing just doesn't seem right on what you're trying to do, you have to keep working towards those things.

You are the one who is putting the limits on yourself. It's because of your brain, or society, or evening just the people around you. You can always keep pushing, and when you do, you sleep like a baby at night. I began realizing that everyone who has done something amazing in their life has turned their energy towards one thing, and kept persisting at it, even when it may have been time to "throw in the towel."

I've slowly been learning this from my physical exercise regimes. You can always physcially push your body way more than you brain may want you to. And yes, there are times when you genuinely need to rest. I realize that if you do actually push yourself too far for too long, it will cut into your life force and actually physically do you harm. But, I've been realizing that the line for that is actually way way farther away than I would initially think.

It's kind of hard to write about and fully summarize my experience in Seattle, because the whole time my brain kinda felt like it was being smashed between two metal cylinders and then stretched back out. Over and over again. But I really did come away feeling like my mind has been expanded so much, and I kept telling Ben that I feel like I'm really ready to come back into my own life and surpass all my limitations and work towards all my goals.

That's actually why I'm trying to get back into writing these entries again. I know I need to write, and I know I'm actually getting a lot better at it. When I wrote a thank-you note to Steph and Mike for letting us stay with them, I was actually shocked with how quickly and coherently the words and thoughts just flowed write out of my hands.

Even when I'm writing this, I'm aware of how well things are sounding with this initial draft. I know it's kinda scatter brained, but I'm really feeling like I'm starting to understand how my mind works and how I'm working to be able to channel my focus, body and spirit into whatever I'm writing. I feel like I'm really on the cusp of tapping into a deeper power, imagination and creativity when it comes to feeling my characters.

I think it's aligning more with being extremely present with where I am now, how I'm feeling, and what's going on in my head now. I feel like through mediation, and perhaps free writing as a form of mediation, I can gain better mastery of that. Through that I hope I will be able to be fully present in my mind to the situations and events of the characters in my story. I feel it will make my imagination and imagery much stronger.

While I love concepts and abstract themes and lessons to be learned form storytelling, I realize that the true thing I love and admire about storytelling is the ability for a writer to really bring you in to a setting. I started reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, and she is a master of that. I've realized that seems like one of the missing pieces from my ideas and approach to writing. Once I can really write out a scene that feels honest and real, the major battle is really over.

[aprayerforclarity]

1/25

Card: Three of Wands

I know I've had these realizations many times before, but it's kinda hilarious (if not torturous) that I have to keep reminding myself that almost all of life is driven between pain and pleasure. Maybe this is just the 7w6 me talking here, but you really can just boil so many human behaviors down to people rationalizing NOT doing something that is painful and then rationalizing moving towards something that is pleasurable. I feel like I've been painfully aware of this in all my behaviors lately.

Of course this causes me to ask what exactly is pain or pleasure. The most immediate answer is that they're chemicals that come from the brain. It is my current worldly understanding is that we're controlled by our brains. Our minds are our brains. All our senses of self and abstract thoughts are created by neurochemistry.

I recently just watched a few hours of my favorite neurobiologist (bordering on philosopher), Robert Sapolsky, and his whole theory about human behavior really resonated with me. Just as many, many writers and thinkers have dwelled on before, (mine most literary reference being the foreword of Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions) is that all we really know in objective, material reality is that humans are machines. Sapolsky's very compelling narrative is that humans have no free will, and that you can ultimately boil ALL of human behavior down to chemicals firing off in their own brains.

Now this may seem like too reductive of a statement. However, the nuance lies in how up until this very point of consciousness, the very decisions and thoughts going through your head, are all inextricably linked to all of your past experiences as a human, starting off with your immediate past actions. As many of us can probably relate to, after a big lunch it is hard to really focus and get back to concentrating on something for work. This is because after a big meal, your body is busy delegating resources to your digestive system. Perhaps there's a spike in your blood-sugar levels, triggering the release of insulin and causing brain fog. So when you get back from a high-carb lunch and have to begin systematically programming a React component hierarchy for the frontend of your website, it can be really hard to do that, due to the chemicals shifting around in your brain and body.

But that chain reaction keeps going back. Let's say earlier in the week, your significant other broke up with you. Obviously that is a very traumatic experience (depending on the situation) and it's left you feeling very bad. Because of a deeper, more primitive human need for connection or love, that severance of a relationship that provided you with those feelings (oxytocin, serotonin, etc.) you may find it hard to focus on the things you have in front of you as well.

The idea is that you can keep taking things further and further back, experiences in your life that you've processed through your consciousness and thus your body reacting by producing chemicals linger in the body, and not only effect your body, but the neural pathways in your brain. This chain keeps going further and further back, where each experience or thought you've experienced in your life shapes your neural pathways by either reinforcing them, creating new pathways or by shutting particular ones down.

These chains of events even go all the way back to before we are even born. When we are in our mother's wombs we receive chemicals as the building blocks of our psychical bodies from our mothers. Through the chains of events in our mother's lives, Our mothers bodies react to the events of their own lives and pass along the resulting chemicals down to us. If a mother experiences chronic stress due to not being able to afford her living expenses, those cortisol chemicals and others are passed onto their babies embryos and begin fundamentally shaping how they began to grow.

This all begins to immediately answer the physical reasons how we are as people and how we interact with the world around us. It is all immediately boiled down to particles in our bodies and minds. But is there something more mystical driving everything at a deeper level? I really don't know.

[aprayerforclarity]

12/18

Card: Three of Cups

I've taken a fiction writing class and read and compiled resources and notes about writing fiction prose and the processes that that looks like for many writers. For my own writing process I've outlined the frames of a story structure, I've started writing character bio pages for each character, and I've explicitly written out any of the themes or ideas I would like to convey in a story.

I feel like I've tried to structure and rationalize my writing process as much as possible, just like how in general in my life I try to rationalize and find the answers and meanings to things and systems all throughout my life. I think I'm realizing is that writing, and creative expression in general, is a much more organic process. It is much more abstract and just sort of flows out of someone making something, maybe initially without much thought.

Some of my favorite things I've written are all just stream of consciousness. They sound the most natural and I feel like I only have to modify the prose a little bit in my revisions instead of when I'm trying to convey a specific idea or concept in a fictional situation or in an accessible or entertaining way.

I guess what I'm curious about is my current disconnect between the art or writing that I want to create vs. what I naturally do create, and how I should bridge the gap between those two, or if I even should try to bridge that gap between the two.

I've talked to several of my artist friends who write music and they have all shared the same sentiments where they have an initial vision for something, but then it changes drastically in the making of it, and sometimes that's just for the better. Even thought I naturally have a story I'd like to tell, a lot of the times it completely naturally comes out of me in a totally different way. What should I do to start changing the natural tendencies I have into the works I want to make? Or should I just abandon that idea altogether??? Maybe I just need to keep writing more and just let what wants to come out of me just naturally flow out, until I get to what I really want to say deep down. In the meantime I feel like it'll just be comedic nonsense and disgusting stories, but that does make me laugh and satisfy some part of myself, even though I aspire to write much more complex and intellectually stimulating things.

[aprayerforclarity]

12/16

Card: The High Priestess - Reversed

Well it's really crazy. I feel like I'm really trying to embrace the more abstract and less rational form of perceiving the world around me. Just letting "me be" as I interact with the world around me. Obviously I highly value rational thinking and true examination of the world and systems at work around me in all sorts of ways. However, now I feel like I'm just wanted to exist in these spaces and be more in tune with the moment. There's obviously always a part of my brain that will be a-spinning and a-whirling around, noticing every little thing around me and trying to make connections and make sense of reality in a rational way. I want to start becoming more in tune with the moment, though. I want my feelings to be more present and the feelings of others.

As anyone who knows me in real life, they know that I am a very open and honest person, and they know I probably take up a big space with my feelings and thoughts about things. It's not that I have trouble articulating my thoughts (although, especially when it comes to writing, I really really feel like I do) it's that I actually want base emotion to guide my perception of reality in a much bigger way.

I guess an example would be that I want I don't want to be standing behind the counter at the coffee shop thinking "Okay, it's 8:30 am on a Monday, I'm in Harrisonburg, Virginia and I'm at work." Instead I want all of my conscious thoughts to more tuned-into the sensory inputs from the environment and the people around me. I kind of just want to live in a very moment and get lost in it.

Does this really make sense? I'm probably describing a mental breakdown from reality. Like, the opposite of dissociation into a moment, when the moment is all there is. I guess I'm also just describing a psychedelic trip as well... OOPS

Well anyways, I think I'm starting to realize that that is probably how I'm going to become a good writer. That when I'm writing about a moment, I should really top trying to think about the context of the moment and instead just start thinking about the feelings of it.

I know this sounds SUPER DUPER conceited and annoying, but I really have started learning about myself that I am always trying to rationalize and understand everything I come in contact with, and while I dont think that part of myself will ever go away, I am realizing that I should stop believing that that is the only TRUE way to live, think and experience the world around me. Do I think more people should pay attention and learn about the world around them? Yes, desperately. Do I think that I've done that a little too much and instead I should start living in abstracts and in the moment? YES HONEY

[aprayerforclarity]

12/14

Card: Ace of Wands - Reversed

I'm feeling very torn on two creative projects of mine. The two main creative endeavors in my life right now are creating a video game (which I'm currently in the early phases of getting something to render on my computer) and writing a novel (also working towards this).

Today for my daily tarot card I pulled the Ace of Wands reversed, signifying that I'm feeling stuck, uninspired, being blocked and hesitations. I'm currently stuck between devoting my time and energy between working on programming this video game or creative writing. I'm torn between the two because I'm currently working towards becoming a Web Development software engineer, and I feel like if I'm devoting my energy towards a software project, it should be one related to web development until I get a job. I'm currently working another job with the aspiration of only doing software engineering, and right now trying to find a job in software engineering is really competitive. I feel like I shouldn't start doing other projects that aren't related to web development because I still need to solidify a lot of my skills in web dev. However, as far as a creative outlet, I feel like working on the video game is a much more direct approach to my creative inspiration, whereas writing, I've realized, is much more abstract.

I've been thinking a lot about my writing progress and I've realized that I need to stop trying so hard to rationalize and understand everything about where my writing is supposed to be going and instead embrace a more organic approach to writing scenes. I'm excited to practice this, but I'm also very scared. Sometimes when I make myself sit down to write it feels like rubbing sandpaper together. It is almost painful when I'm trying to write and I feel guilty about feeling this way. It sometimes makes me think that this sensation is a sign that I shouldn't be a writer- that I don't have what it takes in my neurochemistry to be a writer and that maybe I shouldn't be forcing myself to do it. But I'm so torn, because I'm so drawn to storytelling and characters and literature in general and I have an idea for a story that has been in my mind since 2018 and it just won't go away. It's like I need to get it out there, but every attempt I try to get it down on paper just results in frustration and disappointment. The story and ideas still persist, and the deeper meaning of the story drives my curiosity to look into deeper concepts about humans, society, capitalism and history. I feel like I have the ideas that stimulate and excite me, I just don't have the connection to the characters, setting and scenes. It really pains me that I struggle with getting the feeling I want to convey right.

[aprayerforclarity]

12/6

Card: Six of Wands - Reversed

I think I kinda started relearning a lesson that I had felt like I'd internalized a while ago yesterday about facing your own pain. Yesterday I was in the sauna and I think I was pushing myself for a 25 minutes session, and DAMN it was hot. I think I leaned over at one point and the immense throbbing of my heart could be felt so strongly through the veins in my neck that my whole head began bobbing up and down to the throbs. Anyways, I had put down my book at that point, which is what I normally do once my brain has reached it's critical heat point and I can no longer read, and stared at the knots in the wood on the wall across from me. I remember seeing a face that looked like a sideways tear drop, and with what I think what the combination of the low light and heat hallucinations it gave this monster very life-like scaled skin and deep, hollow eyes. The details looked so real that I could see the sunken-in space from the creatures eyes into it's skull.

Anyways, in this insane heat delirium, I noticed some of the other occupants. I remember there were 3 others in there, two men and one woman. Everyone else had music ear buds in to which I could hear some loud metal playing. The two boys in there, because of their headphones blocking their noise, sent emitting small moans from their seats due to their pain. It was honestly really funny, and I've seen this happen many times before. The one woman in there also seemed to be listening to metal, but her approach to handling the pain seemed very serene. She had her eyes close and was seated in what looked like the Lotus position, with the backs of her hands rested on her knees, giving the upside down "okay" hand gesture. I just remember her looking very peaceful about cooking in the sauna, and it really got me thinking.

What I really love about the sauna is it is a trial of controlled pain. When you enter a dry sauna and sit for an extended amount of time, you are quite litterally overheating your body and beganning to cook it. Cognitively you know that you can exit the sauna at any time and you're not in any real danger, but your body does not know this. Therefore, you body begans doing everything it can to protect itself from these extreme stressers. Your heartrate rises to increase bloodflow throughout the body, you began releasing sweat to try to cool yourself off, your cortisol levels rise to put you into "fight or flight" mode, thus your brain begans to tell you to get the hell outta this stressful situation.

But the main thing that I love about the sauna is that it really allows you to induce pain onto yourself and then notice how your mind reacts to pain. Of course, the first inclination of anyone is to try to distract themselves from the pain. Many people try listening to loud music or a podcast to try to distract their minds from the pain. Some people bring their phones in and resume furiously scrolling through their phones, which is really just an extension of how they deal with their existential pain outside the sauna. As for myself, I bring my e-reader into the sauna and try to distract myself by reading a book.

For me there reaches a point where my brain can no longer hold focus on my book. I can began noticing that when it takes me much longer to read words and I realize that I'm not really retaining anything I'm actually reading. At this point I put my book down and usually try to fix my gaze onto the wall across from me. I usually try to find an interesting detail in the woodgrain or a singular point and just stare at it. While I'm staring at it, I'm trying to turn my thoughts inward and check in with myself. I find that I really do have an almost psychedelic experience when I start paying attention to how my mind and body is reacting to the pain of the sauna.

It's funny because of course my conscious thoughts are "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SAUNA" or "surely your twenty minutes are up" or "maybe it's too hot for you today, you could settle for just 10 minutes couldn't you?"

It's just funny how this thoughts begin coming from nowhere and it's like I almost immediately began rationalizing them as excuses for leaving the sauna early. I evolutionarily it makes sense why I do this, my body is trying to protect itself. But I think that to add a more significant life meaning to the sauna experience, what I love about the sauna is that it gives me proof that I can have mind over matter. For me, I tell myself that I will stay in the sauna for 20 minutes, and even though everything within me wants to leave, I keep track to time and I WILL NOT let myself stop until that 20 minutes has passed.

I feel like I need to apply this to my writing, or any challenges I have in my life, and just start setting timers to make sure I get the stuff done I need to get done. I need to stop making excuses and running away from my problems and finally start getting them done.

[aprayerforclarity]

10/7

I just watched broke back mountain and man was that movie so beautiful. That film was so nuanced and well done. I am so blown away.

The way that they told this story over the span of decades blew me away. You watch as Jack and Inis' lives unfold after that one summer back in 1963.

Jack has always been so much of a firecracker, while Inis, battered and beaten from his childhood takes a much more subdued attitude toward life.

It's so sad that not only can they not love each other and live their own lives in the way the want to, but the victims of the wives due to everything. They've hurt themselves and so many people along the way, and while yes there is probably some rose tinted glasses worn when thinking about their future that never could have been, it's no doubt that their lives would've probably been better if they could just be together.

ANother thing I also love is how coded the speech is in that movie. The whole time, whenever someone is referring to one of the two men, they're always talking in this ambiguous ways, or skirting around certain topics. Gay men (and women) in the American past have always had to hide themselves and their love from the world. So damn good.

[aprayerforclarity]

10/3

Hajike. Hajike has been on my mind A LOT lately.

What is Hajike you ask? Well, it's a way of being, a life philosophy, its what you say and when you say it, it's a way of tapping in- into your the deep layer of your subconsciousness and ripping from it a thought or image that is then projected into the world for all to see. Or hear. Or whatever. Now that I'm writing this, I think I'm realizing it's just a way to get in touch with your subconscious, like all good art seems to do.

But the brilliance of it is that it is so utterly stupid and chaotic that it really means nothing at all. But it also means everything. I haven't really encountered the embrace of this before. You know what, I should actually just go ahead and explain it better.

Hajike is a principle concept in the bizarre comedy anime Bobobo-bo-bobobo. It is just being as random as possible- either with your actions, or words, or pathways of logic when approaching life. You can use it as a fighting style, a way of solving issues, or just catharsis. Yes, not only is it hilarious and stupid, but I think I have been tapped into hajike all my life but have been suppressing it. Doctor Seuss has the quote:

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.”

or some shit like that. I don't know why, but I've always been really good at free-associating words and things. Very random images and ideas come to my head very suddenly, and it feels good to just shout them out.

Is this mental illness? Is this ADHD? Probably, yes. Do I think that it's a part of who I am? Should I let it out? Absolutely.

I can't remember where I read this, but somewhere I read that human brains process emotions first before rational thought. That is so true. We feel things before we get to think about them. It also makes evolutionary sense that that is how our brains our wired. So to me, I think hijake, as well as any creative expressionism, is that realm that exists between the emotion and the rational thought of our minds.

I'm a bit scared to start embracing hajike, because in my quest for more mental clarity, I feel like it could cloud my mind more. I just have these outbursting feelings of energy and thought, and I feel like I should do something about them??? Should I work harder towards channeling them? Or do I let those outbursts come out from within me and out into space? I'm really not sure?? Hajike-no-mine.

Here's a hajike story coming right off the dome for me: Officer Jangle sat in his office, his hair barely sticking to the tips of this head. He mustarded around the room, leaving bits of hotdog in his path. Pay-most, his rival officer, was in his office across the hall. His eyes glazed over a sheet of paper that told him how to ham the ho-ho case that had been on his mind since Monday.

Monday came and went without even the sound of wind to pass them by. The killer had not been caught, and the peanuts were still on the table for anyone's taking.

Hajime, the newest member of the squad, suddenly came bursting into Jangle's office. The door banged off the wall like a gun.

"Officer Jangle!! I have the culprit," Hajime screamed. He clutched a messy pile of papers.

"Well who is it boy??" Jangle shouted back? "Well, I think it was Jay-min, the janitor.

Through the burst-open door, Jay-min was walking by. Right as Hajime shouted the man's name, he turned and looked at the two officers.

His eyes widened to the size of two peanut shells, before he took off down the hallway. As he ran, he farted with each passing step.

Now, after writing this, I feel very dumb and bad. Well, that's an overstatement, but it feels grinding and stupid to me. There's nothing in my mind, I'm not actually visualizing anything, I'm kind just realizing I'm writing words on autopilot....

I don't know how to do anything :)

[aprayerforclarity]

9/28

I think what I'm truly beginning to realize is that I will never, ever, EVER, be truly comfortable in life. No one can be. Life is about pain and living through it. That is to say, my life has barely been painful at all. But yet, at all times, I seem to be in some sort of mild psyche pain. I think that's because in the West we value comfort over everything else, a by product of capitalism maybe? I don't know why. Instead, I find that almost all my suffering seems to come from when I try to comfort myself from pain. I try to run from it or stop it, instead of just embracing it. Now, of course I'm self aware, and if anyone is reading this, know that I'm seriously okay. In fact, I feel more resilient and ready to take on life now more than ever. My feelings and mind are all about an ebb and flow, and I'm truly realizing that instead of despairing over pain, I should really experience it. Pay attention to it. When I can't seem to write, really try it and flounder in the pain. When I can't do what I ideally want to do, I should just push myself into it. I need to stop getting into bed to comfort myself and watch Youtube videos all day. Well, I mean, sometimes maybe that is what I will do. Life is all about pushing on the pleasure side of the pain, and now I want to start pushing on the pain side of it. Not articially so, but whenver something painful is happening in my life, I really don't want to turn away from it. I want to work in it, work through it, and really feel the pain. Not in a romantic kind of way, not in a way that's like "oh wow, how amazing it is that I'm feeling anything at all" kind of way. I mean in a horrible way. Like truly do things I deeply don't want to do, and numb my rational mind to the rest of it. We'll see if I actually do this. But I will try. I really will. And I pray in the moments that I lose this perspective that I stop avoiding doing the things I need to do and just do them. It's not about focusing every part of my mind to a task at hand, it's just about getting the task done and doing the damn thing.

[aprayerforclarity]

9/26

Soup meat... That term has been on my mind for several days... A rotten soap meat to keep my grandma away... I feel like I'm tired of dissexing everything and now I just want to embrace the mystic, or what I would previous call "being ADHD" or "mentally-ill".

Of course I've been aware of morning pages, just letting my mind roam free to write down whatever comes to the forefront of my conciousness. But it's so crazy to me how random and urgently these things comes to me. "Soup meat" has been a reoccurring idea in my mind since this past Sunday. Our group of close friends had a soup potluck party and listened to scary stories. I guess that's where this soup thing is coming from. I really don't know why. But anyways, now I'm going to up the floodgates and just free assosciate. I'm now going to let whatever comes to my mind be written down:

Soup-may be hornidasser. Mendway be a furmone. En tient et talliwhoagus mini mimen me mo mo.

I don't know, know everything is seeming really forced. Sorry to anyone else who happens to stumble upon this.

Another thing that is tugging a bit at my mind today is the suicide of a guy I know from the gym. To be honest, I did usually get a weird vibe from the guy, but not in a mentally ill way. He always seemed to be scheming with other guys in the locker room, usually talking about money jobs and getting "compensated for advanced work." He just always seemed like a finance bro, disguised as a long-haired mountain man from Denver. He was always trying to host these meet-ups to talk about coding and coffee. I went to one of them, but it really did seem like a scam... He was talking about how he wanted to build a tech conference in Harrisonburg and basically made it seem like we were all getting in on the ground floor. It really was that kind of vibe, some arbitrary goldmine that he had the brilliant idea to tap into. I remember something that really turned me off was when he said something to the effect of, "I have big aspirations for myself and anyone else in my orbit."

I got this image in my head of Dave thinking of myself as some goliath. Of course, I've learned that you really do need to believe in yourself, have pride and confidence that you are destined for great things if that's what you want to do. But the part about people being in orbit around him: to me, that really told me a lot about how he sees himself and the people around me. Foreign bodies, rotating in the gravitorial wake of the main attraction.

Anyways, yesterday one of the young men Dave was sinking his teeth into saw me in the locker room and beckoned me over. In a hushed tone and his thick, Salvadorean accent, he told me that Dave had shot himself in the head about two weeks ago. Obviously I was very blindsided and thought that was crazy. What I appreciate about the young man, Alex, was that he told me that if I was ever in an unhealthy place, one of suicide or just depression, that I should never hesitate to reach out and talk to him. Of course I reciprocated the response, but I thought, even though I can speak passing Spanish, I've never offered true support to someone else in my non-native language like he did.

I've been trying to look up what happened to Dave, but there's no mentions of the incident anywhere online. All I could find were his crazy videos online of him reading the bible, or videos of his clearly bored children being taught how to code in Ruby.

Very crazy stuff. I scrolled through his Github, LinkedIn and Youtube channel before I had to turn away. It was both disturbing and enthralling. I feel horrible for his wife and children.

It really does just go to show that you never really know what someone is going through. Going to the gym and taking care of your body and just a piece of overall health, and that mental health and making your life decisions as carefully as you can are vital to your survival and wellbeing. Alex said it was something that had to do with his family life, and I don't know the details, but suicide should never be the answer. It is the only answer to someone who is mentally ill, convinced that darkness is the only path ahead.