No Reblogging No Liking No Don't Fucking Look At Me.
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Everything is making me miserable this foot thing and everything else has really fucked me up mentally and physically.
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Everything hurts hhhhh.
#dont wanna go to work. wanna call out cause im sore but not tell my dad so i can drive around alone#i drove around alone for a few hours last night and idk i just need everyone to be away from me rn#i dont feel good#i need to be alone and home is feeling less and less like home now so all ive got is my car at night#during the day theres too many people and other cars so it dosent feel safe#no where feels safe right now#i dont know where to go.
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Oouuughh tumblr for you page is not dooonig it for me get me ouuut of heeerreeee.
#less interested in using this site tbh#the stuff i get reccomended is eh#too depressed to be here rn id rather be sleeping#or staring at a wall#stuffs getting moved out the house#ppl gonna be replacing floors and stuff#so idk where im gonna go i guess im gonna be driving around forbhours again.#nothing makes me feel more scared and uncomfortable then people IDK being in the only place i feel safe#this whole moving thing is gonna be way too hard im not gonna make it chat#idk how people be wanting to invite people over to their house that shit always makes me feel sickie like “ this aint my home#this a whole ass public space and thats where the scarry demons live#when im on my own ill be able to scheduel who is and isnt in my place and it will be nice#ill need to be alone for a while so i know its a new safe spot for me
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I need to go for a walk or peel off all my skin idk which one.
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INTERESTING, INTERESTING
TO WATCH FIRST HAND HOW GOD-THING
EXPLORES THE VOID OF COLOR
TRODDING OVER THORNY FLOWERS
IGNORANT TO THE STEPS HE'S TAKEN
BELEIVING ALL IS WELL
IGNORANT FALSE BEAST
GOD IS A FRAUD
A FRAUD
A FARCE
A FAKE
WRITHE, PATHETIC GOD-THING
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First day back at work after not working for a week cause i got a foreign body in my foot. I have forgotten how to do everything.
Glad im out of the house though my foots still throbbing. Just glad its not hurting too much. Have a feeling once i go home to lay down is when its rly gonna start hurting but we will see.
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*flops face first onto the ground and groans dranatically*
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I forget how many assholes live here JFC. Had a guy yelling at me while driving and another honking at me when i aint doing shit wrong. People here drive with intent to kill and cant stand that i drive the fucking speed limit. Ive been parked in spots and had people drive by and scream slurs at me for no fucking reason dude.
Love the nature here but the people man. tbh the rate at which houses crop up the nature will be gone soon anyway so i should probably dip out and go somewhere else instead idk.
#i wish cars had a button where you throw out those police spikes to take out peoples wheels.#you either move fast drive fast hustle and bustle or you get trampled to death and no one will even fucking notice your dead#its evil#idk sometimew i really think i need to get out even further into the country or maybe away from the easy coast#ive heard the east coast is the worst for asshole but ive lived here most my life so I dont know any different#idk
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Why do i feel like a different person every day and like every single day is a fucking lifetime?
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Surely sleeping 13 hours a day is not indicative of a depressive episode, right?
#i feel so shit and im so fucking angry all the time#trying not to snap at work or at my family#nothings helping and im striggling to do basic tasks#keep having to talk myself out of calling out of work#keep having to talk myself out of drinking and smoking again#im afraid im gonna relapse#im not well#Im not going to tell anyone tho.#just makes everyone else miserable and they tell me to do what im already trying and failing to do so its whatever#hope i get better before i give up and relapse. im so tired.#its been so many months and ive been doing so good I dont want to smoke again
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I wanna get drunk and high and die so instead I'm binge eating #smallwins
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I wish Id stop complaining but I just dont have anything else to say and I want an excuse to talk to you. Lol, how fucking pathetic is that?
#uuiuuuoooooghhhhh.....#*bashes head on wall repeatedly*#i need.... something to curb this depressed feeling ive had lately.#dont knw what. maybe exercise? idk.
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Been thinking about the past too much lately.
Maybe thats why I like sleeping with the window open.
Reminds me of one of the rare moments I didn't feel an impending semse of dread.
I felt warm, happy, safe.
I always remember the moments when im fully seated in the moment and just breathing, feeling at peace.
Because I can count them on one hand.
...
I miss it.
But i am so happy that i at least had some of those moments with you around.
If I werent so bitter, if I didnt listen to everyone and all my doubts telling me It's wrong,
Then maybe I would have remembered more of it.
...
I wish I remembered more of it.
#forgetting hurts.#sometimes i wish i could replay old stuff... idk to study it?#see what I did wrong?#see what I did right?#just to feel a faint sense of old feelings again?#eugh. what a lame way to feel.
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