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You are allowed to be alive. You are allowed to be somebody different. And you are allowed to not say good-bye to anybody or explain a single thing to anyone, ever.

Augusten Burroughs

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like how do you even communicate to someone that look, there's a knife in between my ribs, and yes it hurts, but i am okay even if sometimes having a knife stuck in my flesh is absolutely not okay, and no i don't want to talk about the knife, i don't want to think about it even, and i absolutely don't want you to touch it or talk about it or perceive it at all, and i don't want to go get it out, i probably put it there myself, for reasons i guess, and there's layers and layers of skin on top already, and it's okay.

except for when it's not.

but that i don't want to talk about either. and you're not just someone that i can easily lie to, i don't even have an idea for a lie as a response right now, there simply is nothing that i can say at all.

and i'm flickering on the edges, and in my joints, and in my jaw.

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kinda fucked up how you can be unconsciously traumatised while not feeling anything on the surface. like being invisible except for a faint flicker of light around the margins of my physical form. constant hurt, not as opposed to the inherent void but rather as integral part of it.

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people are so lucky i can't explode them with my mind

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don’t understand where people get the energy to be an active participant in their own lives. the days just happen to me for real

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So rude that you can’t say “okay, I’m done thinking about that” and then actually stop thinking about it

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sorry to anyone who followed me for anything, ever. you are not getting that.

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flip-flopping between stifling apathy (I don't care about anything and anyone), repressed anger (I want the whole world to die) and passive depression (I just want to be dead)

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yes im always a little sick to my stomach with anger and rage. why do u ask?

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sometimes I wish to go back to a time before instant messaging but then I think about people using phone calls instead. that would be even worse

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Splitting and the Schizoid Experience: A Personal Take

For those of us with schizoid dynamics, splitting doesn’t always show up the way it’s described in most clinical writing. We don’t tend to flip between loving and hating people, or shift from idealization to devaluation in a dramatic way. Instead, our internal compass often revolves around one primary distinction, whether something (or someone) feels safe or unsafe.

This binary creates an internal threshold. Once someone crosses it, it can feel like there’s no going back. Even if the shift looks subtle from the outside, something has been internally reclassified. And that reclassification tends to lead us straight into withdrawal...

1. Safety vs. Danger as a Relational Filter

I think most of us aren’t operating on a spectrum of how much we like someone. Instead, we’re trying to calculate whether it’s safe to keep them psychologically near. If someone feels safe, we might let them orbit us maybe even with a surprising level of internal fondness. But if they feel unsafe, that fondness often shuts down immediately.

It’s not always a conscious decision. There’s usually a felt shift (something in the body, or a sudden distancing in the mind) that signals it’s time to pull back. It can feel like that person no longer exists in the same way. Not because we hate them, but because our inner structure has flagged them as dangerous.

2. Emotional Distance Isn’t Indifference

I’ve noticed that emotional distancing after a breach of safety doesn’t mean we stop caring. It just becomes too dangerous to keep caring actively. It can be difficult to keep someone in view internally without reverting to extremes, either too close or completely severed. So we cut contact, emotionally or physically, not to punish, but to stabilize.

Many of us have trouble with "whole object constancy" holding someone as both good and bad at the same time. If someone lets us down in a way that hits the wrong nerve, it may feel safer to view them only through that new filter, even if part of us knows the full picture is more complex. That awareness doesn’t always override the internal demand for safety.

3. The Role of Dissociation and Detachment

In situations where we don’t or can’t physically withdraw, some of us dissociate instead. It’s like we retreat to another layer inside ourselves. We might still talk, still nod, still function... but we’re not really present. I think of it as shifting operations to a more internal control panel, where emotions are muted, and thoughts are screened.

This is especially likely to happen if a situation feels emotionally loaded, but we don’t have the tools or bandwidth to process it in real time. It’s less about being cold, and more about needing a buffer from what’s coming in.

4. Why We Might Not Return

One of the hard things about splitting in the schizoid experience is that once someone feels unsafe, there often isn’t a reset button. Even if they apologize or circumstances change, the shift in our perception tends to hold. I think this is because reestablishing trust would require lowering our defenses again, and for many of us, that feels more dangerous than staying detached.

This can create long-term isolation, even when we miss the connection. The protection instinct overrides the relational impulse.

5. What It Means to Understand the Pattern

Understanding that splitting can be based on perceived safety instead of moral judgments has helped me a lot. It reframes those internal cutoffs as self-preserving responses rather than cold dismissals. It also helps explain why others may not understand our sudden emotional retreat, because from the outside, nothing has visibly changed.

If we can start to track what makes someone feel safe or unsafe to us, it might be possible to hold more nuance over time... or at least to understand our responses with less internal confusion.

We may not always be able to change the pattern, but recognizing the structure behind it can give us some grounding. That grounding can help us make clearer decisions, and maybe even open a few internal doors that would otherwise stay shut.

Schizoid Education Videos

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this is my one day off work this entire week and of course my wonderful neighbours decide that today is the day to most incompetently drill holes into the walls.

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on another note - the audacity to just invite oneself into someone else's space and taking for granted that the other person be totally fine with that (even delighted) is just mind-boggling to me.

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Contrary to some people's beliefs I don't take time off work to then having other people annoy me.

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maybe I should just shoot myself up with some electricity as well the next time I'll be in psych. maybe I do have to burn some things out of my brain in order to function properly again.