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To this day, I still don't understand.

I'm always trying to better myself, correct myself. Learn about why I act and repond in certain ways. My family dynamics, my upbringing had significant influences, but it's my responsibility alone to heal whatever was learnt in a time of trying to perform, trying to survive.

People have said I play at being the victim, that I'm emotionally manipulative. That I use my recent diagnosis of autism as an excuse for my behaviours - rather than it being an answer to a question, and the best way to improve myself is to understand myself.

I'm a highly emotional person. There are good things about that, and bad things. But I've made so much progress. I'm so much better than I was. I've only ever wanted some patience and understanding, to try and keep a conversation going. But my parents get easily frustrated with me. Friends too; when I ask for clarification and direction, it often circles back to misunderstandings, jumping to drastic assumptions. Sometimes, the easiest option is just to be cruel. There are still cracks in me from past interactions that have been slow to heal.

I'm better than I was - but still not comfortably in a place where I can trust myself to be open with people. At least, open in the sense of feeling safe and comfortable meeting new people. I still have anxieties around being vulnerable and hurt - or that when people learn I'm autistic, they won't want thay baggage.

It's a question I know I'll never get a kind answer for; why I've had to go through some of the hardships I've had. Why I deserved those experiences. Why I couldn't have the opportunity to mend, repair, maintain; not understanding that friends might not be in my life for as long as I want them to.

In the end.. the thing I take away from all of this is that I need to learn to love myself. People will come and go, but my company will be with me for my entire life - and I need to learn to be at peace with myself. I can't depend on everyone else to tell me what sort of person I am. That's something I need to decide and forge for myself - because I'm the only one who can, and even if I have to sleep alone for the rest of my life - it's important that I can sleep at night.

The world is mostly a beautiful place. I do believe that there are wonderful, kind, emotionally intelligent beautiful souls that I've just yet to meet. As always, I have hope. Hope still fuels me. A light burning on in the darkest of times.

Be kind to those for whom you don't know the journey of their shoes, or the weights their backs have carried. Love yourselves, as I will love all of you - and take care of yourself, for the thousands of miles that separate us.

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Man. I tried playing REPO in public servers tonight. Twice some young kids got me killed on purpose. The other time, I had to deal with some guy going "NO WAY YOU'RE A WOMAN YOU SOUND LIKE A KID."

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HE'S GONNA BREAK EVERYTHING

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I can feel you falling, spiralling, the world moving past you too fast to make sense - so many colors in a grotesque blur.

Your mind screams for clarity, dear mouse. How it begs so pitifully, for the answers to your questions - or at the very least, an escape to your never ending fall.

How fortunate you are to have the devil's palm waiting to catch you, although.. such falls do take a long time to reach their maximum crescendo, don't they?

Although my patience is boundless, how unfortunate the circumstances that might lead to that hand moving just a few inches out of place. Pity the mouse who would slip through the spaces between the fingers who could have offered such release from your daily torments.

And though I could tighten my hold, firm the grip that could easily squeeze the soul right out of you - I've always found that a more agreeable solution works best for both parties, wouldn't you agree?

These are the moments most crucial, my dear. The crux of whether you will continue to fall through time, never remembered, always forgotten - or you steer the direction of your destiny towards my humble hands.

Do decide quickly, however! For your path unravels more and more even whilst we speak. I would advise you to face your fears..

Or you may just face the ground sooner than you realize.

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Went to all this effort to Yoshi my outfit, do a little makeup, but I still didn't meet anybody at a games night at a local pub.

At least I got to play as Cell beating up my sister's Vegeta, at least.

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Sometimes, I think about why it is I'm drawn or attracted to the characters that are the worst of the worst. Apart from just the fascination in such diverse perspectives, the good story of it all and the psychological enjoyment of delving into the potential motivations of wants and needs so different from my own..

I think there's a kinship, to a certain degree. Obviously not in a harmful sort of way. But to grow up always feeling like you weren't good enough for your family, to feel like the world just couldn't see you or reject you in some way.. there's a kind of comfort in fictionally thinking that someone else rejected by the world deciding that for every person IN the world - you're the one that they passionately decide to chase to the ends of the earth.

Potentially, that's why a lot of people might write reader/oc x villian type characters. To a much lesser degree taking into account fictional versus real world - there's something comforting in the idea that everyone decided you weren't worth the effort, so why wouldn't you love the person who decided you are, regardless of their own circumstances?

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Thought I’d round off today’s posts with something like this as a coping measure for having to start my final university assignment’s 4,000-word written report tomorrow.

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let me in let me innnn 😩✨

- OVA Here Comes a Vongola Family-Style School Trip!

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so true bestie 🥵

- OVA Here Comes a Vongola Family-Style School Trip!

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stretching my legs

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I'm about to throw my laptop I swear to god

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People will change fandoms, move on to other things, other interests, other people.

What they don't realize is that I'd always listen. I'd want to hear about your other fandoms, learn and adjust, adapt. Move onto things with you. You can invite me into your worlds, as I would always keep my door open for whenever you might come back.

I just care too much. It hurts, not to feel relevant anymore. To be left behind, onto something else that I might not be super knowledgeable about.

I should probably stop lamenting about it and go to bed. I haven't been sleeping well the last few days. Maybe tomorrow, the sun will shine on us again.

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I've recently started writing again thanks to a friend's influence and while it's a painful process for me, reading their reaction to it afterwards gives me so much joy! I'm looking forward to reading your OC x Xanxus story once you're done with it! <3

I'm so glad to hear that! Writing can be a hard process sometimes. I still feel like the older I get, the more self critical I am of myself, that I've lost a bit of the spark. I'd love to hear more about what you've been writing.

I've been a bit busy with real life and a bit tired; but I was thinking about how other members of the Varia react to my OC'S presence. Went on an imaginative tangent about Levi being extremely mean and over protective of his status as Xanxus's unofficial boyfriend - until Neri starts encouraging him in his attempts to win boss man's praise.

What do you call a cheer squad for a male fangirl of your story's main antagonist, I wonder.

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the intimacy of sleeping together, but not in a sexual way. the intimacy of feeling the warmth of their body in a cool room. their hands hugging you tightly. the intimacy of synchronized breathing. sleepy half-kisses. feeling safe. feeling warm. waking up and realizing how much you love them. how precious this is. finding the happiness on the tip of your fingers, brushing their hair. closing your eyes again. pulling closer. falling asleep.

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characters who are undead. characters who die in the end and so they've been dead from the start. characters who are chased by death. characters that chase death. characters who died and came back to life. characters that die again and again and again. characters who consider their past self dead. characters who were born in someone else's corpse. characters that claw their way out of the grave. characters whose deaths leave such a gaping wound that even their absence is still a presence. characters who are emissaries of death. characters who are alive but consider themselves dead. characters whose deaths are ambiguous. characters whose existences are defined by death.

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i h8 when im way more obsessed w someone than they are with me

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talk to me about stuff.