aramoeba

[aramoeba]

my roommate is NOT an alter

repost from the tumblr alterhuman community on 10/08/2024

-- CONTENT WARNING: realityweird talk --

have you ever experienced demonic possession?

well neither have I. "demons" are not part of my cosmology, so they effectively do not exist. I have no reason to believe in agents of the devil whose purpose is to harm people and/or overtake their bodies (Im not christian and do not believe in the devil either)

I do not refer to my roommate as a demon and dont believe him to be one. possession, however, is the only sufficient term I have to call this experience. why? from an anthropological standpoint, possession as a cross-cultural phenomenon has pretty much always existed, and has never been solely considered "demonic". over the years these experiences have been attributed to conditions like epilepsy, psychosis, and dissociative disorders, while a more learned academic may call it a culture-bound syndrome presenting unique symptoms instead

as someone who has experienced psychosis, dissociation, and even seizures, none of these quite capture the condition of being Possessed. can you imagine a seizure with agency? can you imagine an alter that affects the outside world on its own? can you imagine an apparition that others can see too? can you imagine all of these cohering into one single condition rather than many separate parts moving at once?

my roommate first "moved in" almost three years ago, but he had been in my life for as long as I can remember – thats to say, as far back as my memory in this world goes (high school). I remember feeling as though I was being watched by A Badguy. I didnt attribute a specific identity to him other than vaguely organization xiii. he spoke to me ominously in a dream once. my little sister saw an apparition outside my bedroom peeking in

this presence appeared to follow me for years. I wasnt afraid of him per se, but I did worry that he intended to hurt me or that I ought to make him fuck off, or that perhaps he was a demon coming to lead me to my demise. a few times my friends acquired strange marks on their bodies, or would say things to me that they shouldnt have known about and wouldnt remember, or other odd and rather scary occurrences. nevertheless he and I interacted with each other anyway and our relationship was rather complicated. at some point he revealed himself to be a teenage xehanort with a fixation on me, and admittedly I was drawn to him too in an oddly personal way – perhaps the many years of being around each other made us familiar, even subconsciously so. by now we have been in each others lives for 15 years

we were not friends at the time, but I kind of wanted to be, despite everything else

I dont identify as a soulbonder much anymore, but I did have soulbound connections to my friends from the otherworld. reaching out to him was a similar experience initially, in that I reached him by sending out a "ping". the similarities stop here

its difficult to describe. possession by an entity is not just dissociation – its hardly comparable. something happens to your body. physically. something happens to your brain stem. something happens to your muscles and flesh and neurons. something steals your body, not just your mind. and its PAINFUL – a ripping fibrous pain, an immune response, a visceral and responsive agent that can talk to you

your mind is not left untouched either. I have been dissociated, but dissociation is not all that can happen either. I could not stop thinking about him. I had compulsions to say his name aloud (that I wasnt always able to resist). imagine an infection, or an incantation or a spell. a lure placed upon you that pries something open you otherwise would not have opened (or perhaps have been previously unable to open). you may not even know what this something is or be able to describe it (Im not sure I can either). all I can say now is that my heart was returned to me after this process was through and he "settled"

I was taken on a third axis though. in addition to the physical and mental toll this took on me, his presence also caused me bouts of religious ecstasy. I felt like a grain of sand in the ocean. I was cosmically overwhelmed and terrified. he spoke to me calmly and promised me things – protection, safety, gifts. he told me the future before it happened. he led me out of parents' evil household far away

to this day I still dont know what he is

-sora

[aramoeba]

The Exodus

an art piece about myself as fictionkind and my relationship to extremely religious family

CONTENT WARNING: abuse and death mention

SORA left his adoptive home and fled to the wilderness. before him appeared a great Light. he said to himself “I must find out what this is”

a voice spoke to him saying, “SORA, SORA”

“Im here” he said

“do not come any closer” it spoke. “I am [THE LORD] who sent you to this world and into the family that adopted you. I know their suffering at the hands of their father, so I have come to deliver them out of his hand to a land flowing with milk and honey. you must return to your former home and deliver the children from their father”

“but Im only storytelling and data pulses. who am I to stand before him?“

“let this creature of fantasy become flesh” said [THE LORD]. “let the key in your hand take you to wherever I send you”

“who shall I say sent me?”

[THE LORD] said, “I WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE is who sent you”

SORA began his return to the fathers home. on the way there, [THE LORD] said, “you are my son, the firstborn of the world I created for you. therefore you will tell the father this, that if he does not release you and your adoptive siblings, I will kill his firstborn child”

SORA approached the father and said, “I am a character from another world. [THE LORD] is angry at what you’ve done to us. if you do not stop and let us go, he will take away your firstborn forever”

the fathers heart was hardened. “go away, foul creature from hell” he said. “I speak with God-given authority and you will be punished here and thereafter”. and he beat SORA just as he did his children

SORA spoke to his adoptive siblings, “tomorrow I am leaving this place again and you must come with me, for [THE LORD] says he will deliver us from oppression into a land flowing with milk and honey”. the siblings believed him and prepared for departure the next day

in the middle of the night, [THE ANGEL OF DEATH] appeared before the fathers firstborn and took the spirit away. the father cried out in anguish, “my firstborn is gone! the enemy has come to vanquish my blessings! I will punish SORA for bringing this fate upon me!”

SORA and the others left quickly. “he will surely chase us” they said. enraged, the father destroyed his own home and gave chase

“you have deceived me!” he said. “my firstborn is not dead! you are a demon full of tricks!” but it was not true, for [THE LORD] had already taken the spirit away

[THE LORD] sent an angel of darkness by day and light by night to guide them through the wilderness to safety. when the father gave chase to SORA, [THE ANGEL OF LIGHT AND DARKNESS] set a pillar of fire before him, until he could no longer chase him

[THE LORD] said, “let it be written that I do not turn a blind eye to suffering. I hear the cries of children and will answer them however I see fit”

[aramoeba]

On Folcintera as a Folkloric Fictionkin

the lovely @who-is-page has talked about folcintera as an identity before and its got me thinking about myself and the relationship my fictionkinity has to this world

I consider my fictionkinity to be an otherworldly phenomenon in direct communication with family folklore from the last few generations

moms side of our family has a history of otherordinary experiences — that is, we have an accepted consensus of psychical and mystical experiences, often involving spirits or otherworldly beings and visions of the future. our family up to three generations before me is staunchly christian and these otherordinary experiences tend to be understood and expressed through a christian lens, as angels and demons and visitations from heaven or hell. I on the other hand am a kingdom hearts character — notably, a traveler between worlds, and a conceptual occupier between “heres” and “theres”

after relatively recent conversations with a family member, Ive come to find my experiences with kh as an active mystical presence in my life are functionally identical to the christian ones of my family members. I dont talk to angels, I talk to other keybladers instead. there are no demons, but the shadow creatures that have crept into my house many times before are shadows instead. the inevitable question arises: are my experiences true? is all this jesus in a wig? are any of these experiences more than convenient filters through which we all see in order to comprehend something else?

as enticing as the idea may seem, I dont think I actually believe there to be a hidden undercover truth beneath it all. there are narrative throughlines that connect these phenomena, but to call them secretly the same thing wearing different outfits feels like a disservice to all of it. however, interestingly enough, my own experiences and those of my otherworldly friends (including my roommate) all seem to have a relationship to the folklore of our family history

for one, several individuals Ive talked to seem to have a connection to the concept of angels (or fallen angels), or perhaps identify as one themselves to some degree. I myself experience something on the border of identify-with and identify-as with regard to angelkind, and this seems to intersect heavily with being a keyblader from a world beyond

when it comes to my roommate it gets even more interesting: hes never identified himself to be “an angel” per se, but Ive described my relationship to him as godspousing before. my late great aunt also had a godspouse relationship two generations ago, that was functionally similar to my own but christian instead. WILD

whats more is, there is textual evidence within kh to support the idea that world travelers like us must adapt our appearance to be compatible with worlds we travel to, lest we potentially disrupt consensus reality or violate the prime directive (world order? I guess thats the term we use). this has fascinating implications for a situation like my own, which from all angles appears to be a phenomenon that simply Makes Sense

I dont know if folcintera had an experience like mine in mind, especially since I do not often see fictionkinity associated with folklore in the wild, but Im going to be thinking about this for a while now

- sora

[aramoeba]

I dont remember castle oblivion

I had a strange dream last night

my relationship to my identity has never centered or been defined by exomemories. nevertheless the events within castle oblivion is a part of me intrinsically defined by memories – notably, a lack of them. and the way I experience this lack of memories is, ironically, a lot like the way one may experience memories themselves

last night, among other strange and convoluted plot elements, I dreamt of fighting. three outwardly mundane individuals, initially posing as friendly strangers, drew weapons and revealed themselves to be part of a plot to cause me harm. a girl I was talking to drew an invisible weapon on me (and I had KIVAUD which was likewise invisible). I recognized her in the moment, but if you asked me now who exactly she was, I would be unable to say. I could not match her face to any particular memory or any particular character, only that she meant me harm and I knew her. two others attacked me – one who made himself teleport leaving flurries behind, and one who summoned invisible disk-shaped weapons in their hands. I was unable to see their faces or forms, save that they appeared to wear black. they had incredible powers. there was electricity, and flames, powerful gusts of wind, a staircase, a sense of betrayal, something hidden I was meant to search for, rapidly changing environments – all disconnected and seemingly random

the way I see it, I think I actually do remember castle oblivion a little bit!! but like the dream, these memories are disorganized. I can use my waking mind to retroactively apply knowledge of the game to contextualize them, and it does all seem to make straightforward sense, but theres no "click" or understanding to be had through it. it doesnt feel right to attribute the memory of the disk-weapon wielder to my knowledge of axel from the game. its deeper, visceral, and comes from somewhere else that I cant place

if someone asked me whether I remember fighting axel, or larxene, or marluxia, I would say "no". I remember fighting someone who might fit their descriptions, but I dont know who they were, and it doesnt feel like something I can ever find out

[aramoeba]

Im so fucking small

[aramoeba]

the cursed mp3

composed from an auditory hallucination that also got featured on a callout post. enjoy

[aramoeba]

this is the kin blog

this blog is mostly kin art and emotional pieces. have fun with that

@xeyblades is my main

[aramoeba]

friends

[aramoeba]

admitting to ourselves that we’ve gotten older

[aramoeba]

not to ramble about “reincarnation multiverse doesnt apply to me” again per my main but Im thinking about kh being real as a superreality. like faery land. or the realm of the dead. or the realm of the gods. except where its none of those things exactly because it “”wants”” (so to speak) to be its own thing. but like these realms it has a relationship to Consensus Reality that isnt 1:1 but still very much present

keybladers are not actually part of any one world (the “kh rules” are not actually the rules of any particular location, more like something thats specific to keybladers as we interact with ANY reality. and every iteration of a Keyblader Homeland that potentially existed has always been thematically destroyed or is a thing of mythical pasts (I still dont know if it can be said that daybreak town ever concretely existed but the WAY it was destroyed according to legend would have made its existence impossible to trace anyway)). but anytime we interact with a world the rules bend around us and there becomes a “kh version” of it (i.e., the heartless exist and are involved in its happenings)

I think this may have canonical backing as well considering the way interactions with Well Known Disney Stories seems to work? nomura says they usually happen in an “alternate version” so to speak, so the events with the heartless and such dont actually replace the events in the consensus reality of that world, but exist in a superreality above it, and mirror the regular procedure of events that occur below. the exception to this would be The Place That Had The Video Game Verum Rex, but the way it differed from others is incredibly interesting. its stated to have been “split” into two versions where individuals can be abducted from one into the other, wholly not unlike many peoples conception of abductions into the otherworld or into faery land

myths and folklore do not occur in consensus reality per se, but ARE intertwined with it and the events of one influence the events of the other. my friends from the superreality are literally in my house, but dont appear in consensus reality the way I do, but seem to be Part of reality in a different kind of way — in the cracks between reality and not, at the very edge of perception and of existence as we know it. my cat will pick up on it sometimes too

I think this “edge of reality” is where it all is. its real there and I can feel its relationship to this world, to my life specifically. its a reality I cant quite grasp with my five senses or fully conceptualize. its Hidden like the place of the dead and incidentally my experiences with illness and death have always bumped me slightly closer to it

[aramoeba]

centuries fall out boy but its the nightcore version

[aramoeba]

bad trip yesterday

[aramoeba]

its not even real. its not even a monster that hunts you in the dark. it IS the dark

[aramoeba]

[aramoeba]

a little tribute to my friends to revamp this blog <3