archivistofmemories

[archivistofmemories]

in these mundane of little things, happiness can be found too.

thank you :)).

[archivistofmemories]

I used to be.

[archivistofmemories]

no, you’re not making me cry :’(.

[archivistofmemories]

after all this time? always.

thank you so much for existing. though it ended tragically for the both of us, at least now you are finally happy. here’s also a part of me thinking that the sacrifice I did — probably did not go in vain.

probably, that was just really it. to be honest I feel bad for the friendship that we risked. look, what we are now.

probably, that was just really it. you are not mine to begin with, and I am not yours to begin with.

[archivistofmemories]

[archivistofmemories]

good old times, reminds me of us.

[archivistofmemories]

[archivistofmemories]

just, really, everything.

[archivistofmemories]

Tell me you need me. Say that you’ve missed me. Beg for me back. Or Tell me you’re over me. Say that I mean nothing to you. Beg me to leave you alone.

I need to know how you feel about me. I’m tired of imagining scenarios in my head that might not even be true. (via s-rendipityy)

[archivistofmemories]

[archivistofmemories]

one day you wake up and they’re not the first thought on your mind and you can finally breathe again

[archivistofmemories]

realizations

gained my life back once again. i missed it so much being here, jotting my thoughts before the year ends.

who would have imagined 2020 is fastly approaching, another year of possible growth? things these present ages have been hitting me so hard. yes, it was indeed difficult that sometimes i forget how i should live my life.

the feeling of giving up gave me a sense of how truly weak i am. i thought i overcome depression already, but not until im considering death again. to be honest, it is not that i wanna kill myself but it is that i wanna end the pain in which i cannot endure anymore. i am too exhausted that it is unbearable enough to handle. felt like everything i did is not what something i am getting now. the hardwork was not paid-off well, too pity for me. where did it go? where did i go wrong? don’t i deserved to be happy? i’m starting to question everything, same goes with my existence.

when tomorrow comes, it will be a year ago when i graduated college. looking back that day still gives me the thoughts of regrets. i yearn so much to go back in time and change the wrong things rightfully. i confessed to mom of how much i can’t forget the past and still hooked with it. i told her i had so much regrets and wanted to correct the mistakes i did. she said and adviced “you cannot go back in time dear, but you can still make changes. it is to mold correctly your present so you can have a good future.” hearing it kind of opened the gates of my soul.

“how are you?” a question that i never thought would come to give me difficulties to answer. eventually, it is all because of what i am going through that gives me a hard time. still, i appreciate those people who asked me how i am... thank you.

[archivistofmemories]

enough

its been a decade again dear. i have been procrastinating to write. my last college summer class finally ended, and it took so long compared to the previous summer.

friends, as i say. an issue about friendship still arises. i do not know anymore what is going on with this circle of friends i have. we’ve been so teared-upon to each other. i do likely had this ideal kind of friendship where you’re in a circle of more than nine. but i came to realize that few friends you have is so much better. but why is this happening? i was contented to have them but things have changed. hello time, you are seriously just so important. we ain’t have no time for each other already, i guess so. after i ended my term as an officer and came to where i belong to my normal student life, i wasn’t terribly expecting their new approach to me. what i have done? no matter what sinful actions i did towards them, i could really accept it by myself. i honestly don’t understand, we seemed not like friends anymore, the type of friends i used to have since first year. i do understand that people change, but dear how could you hurt your friend? she’s fragile, so dense, and emotional kind of human being. it is so hard to give your heart to those who don’t deserve. realizations hit me like a rock. i was foolish, indeed i am. it was getting worst and it reached to the point where i wasn’t in my right mind to talk or even notice her, them. she knows it that she hurt me. and who am i not to forgive? we’re friends after all. things kept on repeating, and so does the pain of being hurt is on repeat. i am very patient person and i give plenty of seconds, minutes, and hours of chances. but i am not a saint, i have my limits.

i can’t write about them anymore.

[archivistofmemories]

hue of thoughts

a wrinkle of time again for me to start jotting down my thoughts. today's year where second semester of being a third year university student ended, but an extension of summer class is waiting. well the days have been trying to be rough but i kinda let myself not to get drown with those antagonist. im so done with it, damn tried and so stressed. i once said to myself "not satisfied but contented, not fine but still okay" does it even make sense? friends, a one good friend that i got to talk to at dawn of 2:59 am. people, two of them whom i never imagined to be spending my night with under the vast sky where stars twinkle and unexpectedly saw a dazzling flash of shooting star, but it is only me who didn't got to see it and even make a wish. chances of unclear vision, made me so unsure. 

honestly i thought i'd be having less heartaches and no more emotional tears, but i was wrong. no matter how i tried not to shed a single tear i happened to out-poured a lot. that was february of this year that our friendship was tested. never even had a thought that it would happen. who would have thought about it, who would have thought it would became that worst, and who would have thought that it might end up that i'll be losing a friend. good thing was the plot twist plays its role well. a river of tears i call in front of that circle where other people got to see my cry once again, and i damn hate it. i hate myself so much for being such a crying potato. how can i overcome it? and when will i? i even got to wish and pray for less heartaches but it did to happened again. i caused a lot of major troubles to that one special friend. i was so scared that time, the pain i had in my chest gave me the thought that it would suffocate me and lead me to death. yeah, im always been this so dramatic over little things. and there this one person told me "you cried again? how many times i told you stop crying! it wont help you to get out through those things and you know whats the worst case? people could put so down that easy" words that help me to be at ease. 

got to hurt the friend that i cared, for she cared me too to those times i was in pain. "reserve on the day of playday" i said to her. reading her tweets even not mentioning me truly sends directly to my heart that i couldn't barely breathe normally. not to be hyperbole but thats what i really felt that time. i once said to a good classmate that "my heart hurt so bad" and i could see what she felt after i said those words in her eyes that she symphatized me. "i hate you" she replied to me in the middle of our conversation in our chat. i was in shock and felt happy and sad at the same time. thoughts running through that i dont understand. a trailer of things i wanted to happened during the planned overnight and last event of ours. "sitting at the balcony that night with the sky full of stars above us" too imaginative isn't? but it did happened and we both didn't expect it cause same, we imagine the same scenario but not totally. does it sound ironic? for the things i expected to happened and words i wanted to express that time came to be ironic too and legit plot twist. thought we'd we crying both as we talked about our friendship and what really happened. i find it so cute cause there were times actually that she wanted to talked and tease me but she cant do it cause we had misunderstanding that time. laughs, but cant lie the fact that i cried. 

the last overnight i had together with the officers of jpmap was truly memorable to me. it was supposedly not going to be pushed through. hearing that news from pres made me and lanie sad for i have reserved such expected scenarios that is going to happened. it was really amazing, though it had some hindrances that would lead not to be happened. it was me, lanie, ate ame, rex and pitche, but except pitche since she slept at her aunt's house, together with ate ame, rex, and lan we really had the awesome memories that we could treasure with. i dont know how i should re-tell everything from the start or just collect the highlights, every seconds of it was such a joy in my heart. maybe there are just really thoughts yet that i cannot express for i have plant it from the bottom of my arteries. the first stop was at school where we met. it was a three days before the hell week. looking up as the wide blue sky says hello to me and lan. we were so mesmerized by that time that we couldn't help ourselves not to took a picturesque photos of it. next to is was we continued to process the letters for the last activity of our organization, the day after that night. it was really a sad news for the people who would have done their job to write their signatures was really a big deal for they did not get to do it. so the letters left unprocessed, good thing was the student affairs office allowed us for they couldn't stop it since that has to be happen eventually but they cannot assured us that if something unexpected situation might occur since it was an outside activity, the school wont be liable to any accident that will took place. that leave us both a sigh, we couldn't do anything at all already. so i and lan decided to go to the chapel and prayed. after we ask for God's presence and guidance we took a piece of a paper at a bowl where it has tons of colorful papers, i dont know exactly what is it called or term. opening that piece of violet paper that i get and lan who had the blue paper which turned out a switch of our favorite color and we didn't happened to get that color really like we just put our hands in that bowl and didn't looked which is which and unexpectedly we switched the color that we two liked. as we opened it, the thing was it really shocked me for it was an immediate answer to my prayers and it really leave me an amazement. same that happened to lan too, but her it was a bit of an opposite side cause it was kinda negative and scared us, but there was a positive side too the "consistently pray" which made her and me to not stop praying. after it we go back to the canteen to eat. there, together with ate ame, rex and lan we planned about "dayunon" the overnight. it took several minutes of ate ame to decide and be conviced by us. we really had a funny talks and imaginative expectations that made the four of us so excited for that one night and the day of the event. also rex changed up his mind too that made him to go for that overnight, but to mention its really because of lan haha. afterwards, ate ame, rex, and lan decided to packed up their things that made them to go home and left me at school while waiting for pitche, and good thing she wasn't that "dugay". after an hour i decided to go to sm, since i have to buy somethings and it is the location too where we will "sakay" for consolacion. as i wait for them to arrive in sm, i was waiting at danidoo waffle stand. sittiing there alone yet not so awkward because i was chatting lan. that time she was facing a hindrance of her life that made her to cry that nigh. it was around 6 pm already and she's still at their house, stacked-up for her mother didn't let her to left their house for the overnight because that day too was a special day for her mother, it was her mom's birthday. it made me really so freaking damn sad, because i anticipated her presence so much and im afraid that it would be a dull night without her. also it will the night we've been waiting for to talk about the misunderstanding that happened for the past few weeks. i really really really really thought that she wouldn't be able to make it, but thank good heavens, she made it! together with rex who was so drama that eventually might ended for him to go for the overnight because he wont be able to see her lan haha, we were so happy that lan was on her way to meet with us. it took pretty much an hour for ate ame, rex and pitche to arrive at the sm to see me where i was waiting for them. as they have arrived, we had a minutes that almost an hour of strolling at the mall to buy some un-checked things for the playday and waiting for lan too. and guess what! we happened to see frianne unexpectedly performing in front of a crowd with her beautiful voice together with two people, she was once a friend of lan and a good classmate of mine. then we've noticed that the worm inside our tummy was growling already and we've decided to eat and the time of 8pm says it too. we ate at bon-chon and lan finally arrived. minutes passed we've decided to go already, we lined at the terminal where we "sakay" in the vhire. just as we've sitted and collect our payments ate ame noticed that her wallet got lost, so pitche paid for her fare. it sadden us really because that night was pretty good yet it happened to ate ame. so we had a silent and solemn rode as we get arrive to the place. yet it was so funny, we stopped at a wrong stop-over because ate ame wasn't in her right mind that time because of her wallet that has two thousand pesos in it. so we happened to walk from a distance and laughs as we crossed the dark silent road because rex shouted "run". then i was seeing the two wheels in front of me again that time, we have to rode a motorcycle. i was with lan and still such a scaredy-potato while holding her shoulders that night with a breeze of cold air. i thought we'll arrived at the place of ate ame's family not so "dugay" but it was really a long way of road that caused me to hold too much of my breath cause i kennot.  as we get to the place you could really feel the atmosphere of being at the province. it was really a mountainous place. then ate ame's aunt walked us to their house where supposedly the three of us will be staying. it looked like an elf's house because it was small and built just really cute. we stayed and catch our breath for a couple of minutes then decided to see the resort that night. we didn't able to check the time that night for our mind was really cope-up with the excitement as we go to the resort. but to see again that two wheels, ghad i choked. we end up again riding a motorcycling, i was just like "maybe for this whole adventure i'll be riding ths two wheels" and i shut up. as we get to the resort, we had a little tiny memories, video-ing our derp looks that night. and finally we got the privileged to enter the resort which will be having its opening tomorrow that day. seriously we do not know what time was it already, we just really had fun and laughs that made our muscles get stretched and hurt at the same time hahaha. hilarious night as we three shared, like it was really long night to us. going back to the place through that two wheels, and made me noticed about the balcony of the house of ate ame's uncle. it was really weird because if i were to explain what i really felt that time seemed like it matched the setting that was in my  trailer where i and lan gonna talk. 

170318-180318 // definitely collected all the highlights that happened and will forever be treasured.

hue's of memories, light the corners of my mind:

[archivistofmemories]

when you look back on 2017, don’t think of it as a year of pain but a year of growth. you made it through each day. you should be proud of yourself. you are a better you, despite all the hardships. take a deep breath and enter 2018 with hope and confidence. – tip of the day.

[archivistofmemories]

I'm 13, and yet, I've thought about suic*de a lot more than anyone older than my age ever had. It just happens. It comes to your mind all of a sudden. While you're crying, holding your stomach from making any noise so that no one can hear you, suicide crosses your mind. Believe me, it's tempting. The thought of the pain, finally coming to an end, with one slice of a knife, sounds music to my ears. The thought of drowning in water, forgetting how to breathe and forgetting the painful moments is like a beautiful scenery. To me, suicide was the only way to gain a breath of relief. Last December 17, I thought about suicide. I thought about using a knife, but when the knife was placed on my hand, my hands trembled and I couldn't do it. I wanted the easy way out. I thought about drowning. I didn't know how to swim so maybe, drowning would be the best way. The escape to the problems and to all the pain. I asked my friends how they would do it if they planned on committing suicide. They never answered my question. It's like they read my mind. They were using the crying emojis, giving me advice and trying to make me laugh. They kept on telling me I was better than this. That I wasn't just thinking straight. In that moment, I realized something. I realized that depression was just slowly eating me up. I realized that it was selfish of me to commit suicide – because I would be passing on the pain to someone else. I imagined my Mom crying, asking questions like "Why did my daughter have to kill herself?" or "How could I have not noticed this when I'm her Mom?" I imagined my Dad blaming himself, thinking it was his fault because he wasn't able to look after me. I imagined my sisters feeling broken that they lost a sister. I can't help but imagine my friends crying and getting mad at me for doing such a thing. Yes, suicide ends pain, but to the people who truly cares for you, the pain and longing will continue. There won't be a finish line for that pain to them. You will become a painful memory to your family and friends. Whenever your family will see your name etched on that grave, they will remember their shortcomings as the people who were supposed to be there for you through tough times. Your death will be an unending question mark to everybody's mind. And I realized, I didn't want to die and be remembered that way. So to all the suicidal girls or boys all over the world, to everyone who gets to read this, to everyone who thought suicide is the only way out, to everyone who thinks that everything will be alright once you commit suicide – please think again. Open up to the people around you. Tell them what you truly feel. Cry and cry until tears stop coming out. Cry and cry until your heart feels numb to even ache. And to everyone who thinks that we, people who thought of committing suicide, are just overreacting and are just seeking for attention – think again. We just need someone to listen, to care, and to make us feel loved. To everyone who is reading this, you may be sad, broken, in pain, tired and depressed, but God is with you until the end. You are loved even in your darkest moment. Never forget that.

[archivistofmemories]

conciliate

HELLO.

it’s been a while! my hands were in good condition to wrote something, but i kinda feel sleepy. this will be a random story of my life to every episodes i took to remember.

2017 is on its way to end and i am not sad about it. the only thing that made me sad is the rough journey i had in this year. to be completely honest, this year seems i rarely found myself looking happy, smiling, and laughing at my hearts content. the only thing that happened was all opposite to that rare emotions i felt.  i see myself in a place of darkness, alone and in the lonely ocean of tears. “i had no one” “my faith has been tested”, i said to myself countless times. i don’t know anymore where did my friends go. i don’t know any more if miracles still do exists. i rarely call Jesus name, i rarely prayed to God. “what happened to you?”, stephanie said. it knocks my door and caught me off when she said it to me. she was right, what happened to me. i looked for answers, and each day was a series of unfortunate events. what about my circle of friends? where are they in times of i need them, are they worthy to be call as “friend?”. we had misunderstandings and it is all because of me. why do i have to became a type of friend who gets jealous over friendship? it really needs an action to be prevented at all cost. one friend came to me. she’s not one of the circle of friends i had, but a friend from other circle. lelanie was her name and i call her lan. out of blue she came and adds up an undefined ingredients. we made so much memories this year and she gave me a piece of happiness. for the first time in my college years, she was the first friend who lend a handkerchief for me to cry and a shoulder to leaned on. i’m thankful enough for what kind of helped she handed to me, she was a good friend. there are so much things i want to wrote about the episodes with lan. because of her i got to have the feelings of infatuation again. a cute, smart, firm guy whom we call pres. there was really something in him that kept me on thought and annoys me a bit. scenes that i cannot describe that only replays on my mind. even though i felt that i was all alone i happened to meet new people on my way. ate jonah, a reads student. i’m not yet sure if what role does she plays, all i could sense is she’s the type that hyped up my internal cells because of her words of wisdom, she came with a reason and purpose. also i liked the way she talks. and since i run and joined as an officer in our organization, my co-board of directors were a set of new people to get along with. bam, she’s cool and witty. rex, a good-looking human and also an introvert like me. jucelle, my new kpop buddy and freaking funny cute girl. faith, she’s a complete pack of sweets and adorable kits. pitche, the best money keeper and has a healthy long hair. crissa, also an ate type and has a bright smile. lastly, the girl who had all the patience and the best in time management skills, our very own lovely pres amethest. to my companions as i go home, milky, shaian and jhomen. they are the people that i never imagined and expect to add in my lists that i am so thankful to. charisse? i am not yet sure.

God may have arranged and organized everything. i may not see it and find the answers yet, but i am sure that soon i will. i got to talked to my cousin eva, she shared to me that her answer to that one day of confusion took year for her to realize and found for what reason why it happened. feels like i became numb and had a dreary soul. this year was definitely so hard and difficult that internally suffocates me. but afterall, i am still alive and barely breathing.

p.s. we can do this, my thesis teammates!