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[arckyy]

Day 47

I dont know what i did wrong again, That i deserved to be blocked. Whenever i talk about us sitting down and talking things out, You just proceed to block me everywhere. The more i want to learn about you, The more you shut me away. Maybe it's something that ur used to. But silence is the best way to hurt a broken person because they are left wondering why you did what you did. Just like how you felt. People keep telling me that it's a toxic and childish way of acting instead of communicating but i always deny it and prioritize what you think was right anyway. It just seems like the light is slowly starting to die down for me. When all i wanted was to just see you even if it's for the last time to talk things out. We never had the chance to meet each other, To really feel what it's like to be next to each other. Mirror next to mirror. Girl and guy version. 2 broken people coming together and being one. To meet you and do things that we both like to do which was sit under the bright night sky and have heart to heart talks and maybe that way we'll both see something in each other again and you find your feelings for me again.

Everything wasnt always about me though if you thought about it properly. Whatever i did, It was for us. I try to understand you even though it will hurt me but i told you that it was the only way that i'll learn how to handle you and how to be stronger. I told you that i was never gonna leave. I told you that i'll be stronger for the both of us. I'm a broken person, One word will make me go spiral. Just like you. But i never made whatever i go through an obstacle when it comes to the both of us. That's how much i was in love with you. I guess love is not meant for me. The things that i love, The people that i love will never love me back.

My life is fucking miserable. I hate my fucking life. I'm fucking depressed and fucking miserable. I dont sleep. I eat like shit. I have no friends. I have no social life. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE

[arckyy]

I'll see you again, My loved one.

[arckyy]

Lost.

Feeling lost everyday. But today it just got so much worse. I've constantly being chased by the demons in my mind. It's only a matter of time where i lose the battle and lose myself for good. I'm trying. I'm trying so damn fucking hard. Pushing everyone away to fight the most important battle of my fucking life. The battle that is a live or die situation. Live and continue living with the pain or die trying.

Always feeling lost but i keep forcing myself to get up and try again. Keep moving forward no matter what. I'm always watching my world fall apart and not do anything about it because everytime i do something about it, I fall even lower than i was before. It's hard to get these thoughts out of my head. I dont know why it's hard now. Hard to distract these thoughts from my mind. But let me tell you something about this particular someone. Someone who broke my barriers down like it was nothing. Someone that came and changed everything. Someone i owe my life to and i can't see her go no matter what. I will keep chasing her and even if she accepts me back, I'll still keep chasing her like we're still in our honeymoon period.

I belong with the one put on this Earth for me

Everybody has their someone, just gotta look and see

I'm screaming out, "Lord, help me, I've been lonely"

That's when you accept me, then you set me free

When i met dee, I've never felt so complete in my life before. Feels like i've just found the missing piece in my heart and learn to love someone again. It didn't last long though when i made the mistake of cutting ties with people that didn't fucking matter to me anymore. But i wish i would just leave it alone instead because i've lost that piece and there is no one else that can complete that puzzle except her.

Have you ever fallen head over heels for somebody

That made promises to give you the world? Um

I really hope they held you down

I really hope it was no lying

Cause when your heart breaks it feels like the world is gone

But if the love's real, you'd feel your soul roar like a lion

And you'd finally let bygones be bygones

Don't throw in the towel, I know it feels like you're the only one trying

You just gotta learn to live and love on

This hit me so fucking hard. She accepted me for who i was and set me free. I can never thank her enough. But i spiral back into the darkness. As much as i need her, She too is finding herself. I promised her. I wasn't lying about anything i said to her. But i have to understand that she's facing her own demons too. She too has her own problems. Like she said, If she were to ever love again, It'd be me. I'm waiting patiently while fixing myself to become better for her. I've learnt to love her scars. Love her flaws. Love everything that is wrong and things that she don't like about herself or me, I'll work towards it and make it right. There is nothing i can't do for her. It's not "i'll try" anymore. It's "I will do it because that's what's best for us". Now, I guess music is the only way i can communicate with her.

I feel like changing my number next week though. I'm just going to leave my past as it is and just change number without telling anyone but her. Fully committing my time and effort to her. If she wanted anything, There wont be "I'll think about it". It's "Okay, Whatever that makes you happy, I'll do it". What makes her happy, Is what makes me happy too. If anybody has a problem with what i do, I'll tell her and follow what she says because she knows what's best for me.

Thank God I finally found you

You put the light in my eyes when I'm around you

I'm too flawed to hold you down, but

Don't wanna be here alone

And I thank God I finally found you

I'll put the light in your eyes if I'm allowed to

I'm too flawed to hold you down, but

Don't let me be here alone

[arckyy]

Day 37

I came looking for you again. I just dont know why i feel so worried. I just can't leave you alone. Fear that you'll do something to yourself. I've always wanted you to depend on me. To look for me when your world is about to fall apart. I've always wanted to comfort you. You're a strong women. But there are times where it gets too much for you and you spiral back into the darkness.

I promised you that i'll take care of you. I promised you that i'll change to become better for us. But now i dont know if things can be repaired. But i still want to try. I'm so scared that you'll leave one day knowing that i can't control myself when it comes to love. Would go out of my way just to see you and make you happy even though you wanted to be alone. Fear of you finding someone else. Looking for comfort in someone else.

At this point, I really want to keep you in my life no matter what. But i know if you'd do anything like booking ride hitch, I would start having alot of questions appearing in my head. I would start overthinking as usual. Even staying as friends, I would still ask you out every single day. Still showing my love towards you but that would break me knowing that we're just friends and we're never be able to live the dream about having a family together that we talked about when we first met. But i'd still show it to you anyway. I deserve to get hurt.

My heart only has room for 1 person. That person is you, Dee. There wont be anyone else. I desperately want to hear from you. Desperately want to know how you're feeling. Desperately want you to be happy. But you really want your time alone. I have to keep telling myself to respect it. To leave you alone and give you some space. Maybe everything will be back to how it was, Or maybe not. I want to earn that. I dont want it to be handed to me. I want you to break me and help me build myself back up again and again. Each time i stand back up, Break me again and help me build back up so i will be the person you want. The person you need. The person you can rely on. I promise you that you'll never be alone again. You can depend on me and i'll always be there for you whenever you need me. Making tons of excuses to other people so i could spend time with you. There's nothing that matters to me more than you, Dee. I hope you can see that

I love you till the end, Dee. I'll wait for you until you're ready. But please, Whenever you need me, Please look for me. Please find me. I desperately want to hear your sweet sweet voice. There are times that i will look for you. looking for my comfort zone again. Afraid to get uncomfortable with myself. Just know that those are the times where i needed you most. Not to talk about the things in my head. But just to have our heart to heart talks. Laugh and have fun. Hug each other when we both desperately need it. Looking at the moon together as you're holding me close to you. I'll never let my own head get in between us again..

[arckyy]

Drowning

I wish i can numb the pain. I thought by now i won't complain because i've been like this for so long, But i guess i'm not allowed to feel temporary happiness. I wish the past would go away but i guess i just have to live with it now. Times changed, I dont feel different.

Despite all the hurdles in my life, I still kept my vision alive. I didnt have anyone by my side but still kept going. I miss the old me. I miss the kid that was happy. The kid that felt alive more than anyone else. Now i'm dead inside because i've lost my direction. Feels like i'm losing sleep every single day. Feels like losing myself over and over again. Feels like i need to breathe.

I want to feel alive, I want to find relief but i think i'm in too deep now. I need help but scared to open up to anyone. I opened up to my family and there they go telling the whole world about how i feel and how everything was fake. I feel like i should sit in my room and never come out. No food. No drinks. Just me and the writing on my walls until i die of starvation. I doubt anyone would care.

I always felt alone and the feeling is sickening. When you're expressing your pain and no one is listening, It just feels like i have a disadvantage. I dont know how to love properly because i never had a real relationship. Was always being used by my ex. Left traumatised for 4 years while she went with the guy she cheated on me with and was happy. It feels like i was never loved. Just being used.

I continously fear having attachments though. But when i was with Dee, I was scared at first. But she was broken too. I let her in. She was my mirror. She showed me what love felt like again. It was hard to forget what she made me feel and i can only wish to feel that again..

If i could turn back time to when i was a kid, I would tell him to prepare for the never ending storm that was coming. Told him that there was no escape. Told him that there was no healing. That you are left with nothing and hopefully, He will change things. He will keep going no matter what, Find that inner strength to keep going. Find Dee before she faced her own storm and save her. But it's all too late. I feel powerless. I feel useless. I feel like i'm the one to blame for everything that has happened.

Inside of my mind where my demons roam, There is no escape. I try to hide but they just wont leave me alone. I overthink all of my mistakes on my own. I dont know where to go..

[arckyy]

Day 36

Thinking about you again. Sitting at the side of the road while typing this out. Still getting used to this whole tumblr thing.

Was just listening to some songs while riding and understanding the lyrics of new songs that i listened to. Maybe i didnt know how to love yet. When you told me to not gaslight you, I didnt know what it mean until i searched it up. Im sorry. Im sorry that it felt like i was gaslighting you. That wasnt my intention. I just couldnt see you leave, Not when i imagined our future together. To be a good boyfriend and learn how to be a dad to azka. Then later on in our lives, Be a good husband to you and a good father to our little cute versions. It's hard to move on. There is no way i'll be happy again without you in my life. You're still using my spotify though, I guess that's the only assurance i'll get for now for putting you through this until you're okay and ready.

I didnt know what "I want to be left alone" means. The hardest part for me, Something that i couldn't live with was accepting how things are going to be. Fear of nothing else but being rejected by the ones i love. That was what i was feeling. Always being scared that you would leave at any given moment. I just couldn't see you with someone else. I just wanted to do everything it takes for you to be happy with me again. When i met you, I couldn't imagine if you left and i had to start something with someone new. I was always the type that wants to fix things even though it's beyond repairable. But i've always wanted to try. Losing you was gonna be devastating for me and i know it will be for you too. I couldn't leave. Even when you're not there, I dont even try and do other things to distract me from thinking about you. I've always liked it when you were in my mind.

But you hearing about what i had to say, Opening up about whatever i said disturbs you. I'm sorry. I won't open up to you anymore because i'm scared you will misunderstand me. You didn't like it too. I understand now that you need your time alone. I'll wait for you to heal. Still holding our promise close to my heart. But at the same time, I have to do things that i know will benefit both of us in the future when we're back together. Something like getting a car which i'm planning on. I'm planning on taking a car license by the end of this year and of course get my R1 out before countdown so i could watch fireworks with you and make others jealous about what we have in our relationship. Then sooner or later, Instead of going for night rides, We will be going out for night drives. Listening the same songs that we both love and just sing in the car together.

All of this, I dont want to do it with someone else. I want to do it with you and you only. But take your time for now okay? I know you need to heal from all of this. I will wait for you. My R1 seat will stay covered as promised until you come along and you're ready to go on night rides with me. Even if my R1 is not ready, I'll rent a bike just so we both could go on night rides still. There's nothing that will stop me from letting us have an enjoyable time together.

I still hoped you call me all of a sudden at any time. Just to tell me how you feel and i'll just keep quiet and listen

[arckyy]

Day 35

You said you texted me on discord but i never received it. It didnt appear for you either. I was waiting to hear from you for a long time. It's only 5 days but it felt like eternity for me. I said this "And the more i think about it, The more i questions myself why. Why would u reject something healthy just to start something new with someone who is toxic? Ur used to toxicity. You and my sister are the same. Her husband beats her up, She's not happy with it but she still stayed because she loves him but she lives to question herself every single day. Sooner or later, She'll fall into depression. Nothing i can do about that too. I gave you everything. Everything was handed to you. Everything i told you wasnt a lie. But you chose to not believe me. You chose to overthink. Those times that i was overthinking, I didnt say anything. Worried you might leave me the moment i open up my mouth. Im a straight forward person. But im becareful with what i say because i know ur fragile. I am even more fragile than you are. You made mistakes, I blame it on myself. You overthink, I made it my problems and still blame it on me. I loved you more than anything else in my life. Now im suffering. Havent paid my r1 installment also. I didnt tell you i needed money because you had alot on your plate. I cared for you. I defended your name when everyone else wanted you out of my life. I couldnt live without you and i told atiq something which made him super upset. I told him im sorry but months or years down the road if she wants me back, Im gonna accept her no matter what. That's the love i have for you. Because this is really my last. Im not moving on. I gave you my all but you break me in two. You chose to believe things that isnt true. Whatever you said, I read it through properly and know that ur overthinking but again, I put the blame on me. No matter what you did, I let it slip and loved you again and again. But you dont believe anything i say because ur overthinking. I didnt do anything to put us at risk. I did everything to make everything right including throwing people away. Now im stuck here forever.."

"Communication is key but only when you understand it". I understood it. I just couldn't be away from you for too long. I just wanted to talk to you. Know how you're feeling. Even though you wanted to be away from me for a little while. I mean no harm..

I didnt mean it in a bad way again. The reasons why i blamed it on myself, is because i hurt you in the first place. I told you before that whatever pain you're feeling, I was gonna put myself in that too. But i guess you misunderstood me. I didn't mean that I'm blaming you for becoming like this. I was just trying to understand why you did what you did and at the same time telling you to know what i've done too. Scared you're overthinking thinking that there is someone else again. I told you what i did because basically it's just me telling you indirectly that there is no one else but you. That i mean when i say i'll break when you're gone. I understand what you're going through. I understand that you want to be alone. But i just can't let you be. I've grown so attached to you. I'm obsessed with you..

You've deleted discord or i think you did. You unfollowed me on twitter. You unfollowed me on instagram. You blocked me on facebook. Normal call and text messages are blocked. You've blocked me on telegram too. There is no way i can find out how you're doing now.. It kills me..

I dont know if you're reading this. If i stopped writing, It means that i'm gone. It's not because of you. It's because of me. No one will ever replace you, D. I love you till the end of my days and when there is no hope left for me, I'm sorry sayang. I will wait for you as long as im still here. Before i bury myself 6ft deep and 2ft wide, I hope they keep my hands to my heart. Imagining you and azka are in my hands. I'll watch both of you from above. Keeping you both safe at all times. If i get to heaven first before you, I'm saving you and azka a seat. Till then my baby, Take care <3

Take your time little one. Im still here. It will be okay

[arckyy]

Day 30

You sent this to me "At one point in my life, I saw you in a light no one else did. I was so in love with the feeling, I would do anything for you. Staying up late watching shitty shows with you, this time last month, I couldn't imagine having anyone else in my life. I couldn't imagine being away from you. I got a sinking feeling when I would go a day without calling you. This feeling of emptiness when you were gone. I learnt to love you every day and I cherished the moments we spent together, even though it was all virtually. I remember the first words you said to me, and how nervous I was to respond to you wanting to heal me. I have good memories with you, but I also have memories that hurt me. I remember crying in my bed at night because of you. I remember wanting to change everything about myself for you. I remember feeling like shit and thinking if i wasnt enough at all for anybody after seeing your texts with her. I remember you making me feel like i was no one. I get the question "what do you even see in him?" from my best friend and that is the worst question you could ask someone who is in love. They didn't see it. They didn't understand why I saw you in this light. They didn't understand our relationship. My response to that question was "I don't know, there is just something about him," and that was true. You always hear in the movies "When you're love, you just know." That is so true. I can't explain how I felt when you laughed at my corny jokes. I can't explain how happy you made me. I can't explain the feeling I got when I saw you. You were my sunshine on a cloudy day, and I can't explain why. You helped me to get through those days of moving on from a man who didnt and couldnt see my worth. All of this ended, though. One day a switch turned off, and I didn't see you in the light that I used to. I realized that I’m nothing special. I am nothing compared to her. The way you speak about me scares me because it feels like i have to live up to those expectations.Pretty face, perfect body, im none of that. I’m just a normal person with scars. So I became more distant, and you noticed it. I stopped replying instantly, and you noticed. I blamed it on me being busy, but that wasn't the case. I really didn't want to talk, because I didn't know what to say to you. At one point you were my best friend, and now you're a stranger I barely know. I look back at my life and realize that I was stupid for leadng you on. I was stupid for letting you hold on so long. I tried to save what we had, but I couldn't. If anything, please take this as my last note/text to you. Please move on and be happy. truly, i can never live up to your expectations of a perfect person. im not, im flawed, i have alot to fix in myself, a lot of healing that i have to do by myself. alone. i cant jump from one relationship to another. i told you im not ready, its suffocating to feel pressured everyday. i wanted to take this slow while you just need assurance from me everyday. i cant give you that, im sorry. im working on myself.we agreed to give each other space while we fix ourself to become better for each other".

It was heart breaking. I thought it was all over. That fear became stronger. I fell apart. Tried to cut my neck open too. But i kept quiet because i know you didnt want to hear any of it. I know there was no turning back. I'm in hell now. I will stay here for the rest of my life. Once it comes to the afterlife, That's when i'll face the physical pain

You said you wanted to be by yourself. If it means that i dont lose you, I'll do it. As long as i dont lose you. It will hurt again, But it's for a better you.

At this point of time though, I felt lost. I felt empty. You didnt make me this way. You did what you had to do. I just wanted to know what you're going through. I just wanted to be there for you. But i also wanted you to notice what i did. To make you feel better that's all. But it seems like whenever i try to say something, You would find a reason to blame it on me. I know it's my fault you became this way. Maybe i could have reacted to things abit more differently. But i didn't mean it that way though. I just wanted you to realize what im trying to do to save the both of us. To give you that assurance that im still there waiting. Just take your time. Im not running away...

[arckyy]

Day 24

I came back. Looking for you. Brought myself back up again. Stronger again for you. That's what you needed. I was ready to be that guy again. I told you about it. You said you're still healing but no matter what, You know who you'll go to once all of this pain ends for you. You were just trying to allow yourself to feel everything at this point. It was hard for you but you tried. I told you that even if you dont want me to help you heal, I'll be there to support you all the way. Holding hands with you till you feel okay as promised. But i noticed you cut your hair though. I didnt want you to do it but after you cut it holy fuck you looked fucking amazing. I loved the haircut. I got a haircut too and you said i look good. I never really believe when people said that but coming from you're favorite person? I'll take that compliment any day. Only taking it from you and no one else. But u were feeling down at this point. You wanted to hear my voice. I stayed in the discord, In our room. Sometimes you go in, Talk a few words or just see what im doing and leave. It was okay though. You were still searching for me. But after awhile, You realised that whenever i need you, You weren't there and whenever you need me, I wasn't there. At this point i didnt have my phone but you called when you know i was at home. Everytime you called, I was sleeping. Im sorry. There was alot of things surrounding me at this point. I was burnt out every single day and went to sleep early. But the moment start tweeting out that we were never there for each other, I knew i had to do something. So i set an alarm at 2AM SG time because u were already at dubai. I woke up at times and you weren't there. I memorised the timings and you would always message me at 9:30pm your time. Got up 1 hour just to chill for abit, Listen to songs before i talk to you. But on the days that i was on, You weren't there and on the days i slept through my alarm, You weren't there too. I didnt care about my health or anything else at this point. I just wanted to be there for you. But i wasn't hearing from you alot. At times u would reply but skipped the calls. At times u skipped the replies and u would call. It was very unexpected to me. It was very hard for me to know the timings and your schedule. But i was determined to find out. But whenever i ask, You just seem to avoid the questions. It was okay though. I just needed to talk to you more to find out the timings. There was one point though where you called me at 8pm SG time. I set my alarm at 9pm just to remind myself to call you. It was very unexpected and when you called, I was in the kitchen eating. I was upset, That fear came up again. I started overthinking. Whenever i missed a call from you and even if im 5 minutes late, You're gone. I felt bad. I felt down. I cried and cried because of that fear.

[arckyy]

Day 17

We argued again. It seems like we are arguing about the same thing every single time now. No matter how much i deny the fact that i never fell in love with that girl, It just doesnt seem to work out well for the both of us. I told you i wanted to make up for what i've done to hurt you but you just rejected it and said you could take care of it yourself. It felt unfair because i'm the one who hurt you and you're gonna heal up by yourself. It felt like i could lose you at any given moment. Nothing but fear. U told me that i was capable of texting another person behind your back so i gave you all of my social medias. If you asked for my tele and whatsapp, I'd give it too. I didnt want to hide things from you anymore. It seems like you just didn't like it whenever i tell you how i felt at that point. So u suggested that we go back to being friends and take things slow. I was okay with it. I was okay with 1 to 3 messages from you a day. It's gonna hurt but again, I deserved it. I was willing to do anything to make your love build up for me again. I was ready for anything that you're gonna put me through. The more we talked, The more you just kept saying that i'll find better. That you didn't deserve me. I was scared that you're gonna leave again. The fear just keeps coming back again and again and that's because i love you. I dont see myself with anyone but you. It felt like I didn't deserve you. But i still wanted to make things right for the both of us. From here on out, We didnt talk as much. We both agreed to take some time off to be better for each other and that's exactly what i did. I started going back to the gym. I started feeling positive things around me and i came back not long after

[arckyy]

Day 15

You went home after your surgery. Seems like everything was going well and i was happy that you're finally healing from your injuries. I didnt get to visit you at the hospital and gave you a flower that me and my sister shared money to buy. But it was okay. As long as you are okay, Im okay. But your parents asked you to a attend a wedding though. That didnt really make any sense to me because the doctor's instructions was for you to rest at home. The same wedding that i was suppose to go with you. But because things happened, I wasnt able to though. This whole time i've been contacting you through discord because i didnt have a phone. To be honest, I was okay with it. As long as i can rush home everyday and talk to you, I was okay with it. But the past few days i didnt sleep well though. Just thinking of you. Just thinking about us. I was gonna commit suicide because i couldnt handle the pain. The pain that i put you through. I couldnt live to see you being this way. But you told me dont go because you still needed me. But we still talked about that girl after. It just seems like whatever i say just didnt matter, I broke you. Im the one responsible for fixing you back just like what you said about my phone. It doesnt matter how long it took. I was going to be patient. I loved you like no other. I felt like all of this was karma. If i didnt text her, Me and you wouldnt be in this situation. You deleted your own spotify playlist. I noticed some of the songs that you listened to and added it to the playlist. I've missed out quite a few so im sorry. We were talking normally at this point though. Not as much as before. But it was still something and i really treasure those moments. The efforts you put in even though you went back to the hospital, It just showed me that you care. I really wanted to visit you at the hospital but you didnt want me to see you in that condition. It was okay though. Even if you lose your arms and legs, I'd still be happy pushing you around in a wheelchair. Showing you love infront of lots of people. To me, It is nothing to be ashamed of. But you were going to go for surgery soon after. Again, The thought of losing you is something i couldnt live with. I was overthinking. My mind was playing with me again. But you woke up and texted me. I told you how i was feeling and you told me to not say any of those things because ur in your deathbed and im not. Any moments that i get to spend with you, I treasure it. I love you and that love just keeps growing every single day even when ur not talking to me. It hurts but it just keeps growing. I promised you that i wasnt gonna leave no matter what. You promised the same. You were more than what i could ever ask for baby. There's this one time where you didnt reply for almost a day and i started panicking. I thought you were dead. Silly me hahahah. But you came back and comforted me. You explained to me what happened. But the conversations were getting dry though at this point. I couldnt help but wonder. I got scared of you drifting away from me. I had to tell you about what i was feeling but you weren't too happy with it because i was overthinking. I've never thought of replacing you though. I told myself, If you leave, Im chasing you over and over again. You might be wondering why. That's how much i love you. It didnt matter to me one bit. What i felt, I deserve it. You deserve all the good things that this life has got to offer you.

[arckyy]

Day 13

The day before, We were talking on discord like normal. You had your son talked to me too. He called me "Daddy". I felt that. I felt the love. I felt like i was ready to become a dad to him. A fatherly figure to him that he didnt have growing up. We were suppose to meet on the next day day. We were planning to meet each other. Accompany you to take mc and introduce you to my favorite nephew. I was hoping you'd bring azka along too so they could play together. They're age weren't that far apart from each other. At this point, I knew what i felt was real. What i felt was something that i was searching for a long time. You asked for my ig at this point though. There was nothing for me to hide so i just gave it to you. There was a reason why i stayed single for 4 years and it was because i was still traumatised. Whatever my ex did to me, It still haunts me till this day. Getting cheated on 6 times and all of it happened infront of my own eyes was a feeling i dont want to experience again and i dont want anyone to experience what i felt during that time. So i went ahead and removed some people that i knew weren't good for me. There was one girl that i talked to before you though. I didnt have any feelings for her but i did know her from a friend in NS. My intentions were trying to help her because she was in need of help. Nothing more than being friends to be honest. I wasn't looking for love. I knew she wasnt right for me in the first place because of the way she talks to me and the times where we met, The more i knew her the more i just think that me and her should stay as friends. But i was still willing to help her. I told her once i helped her, I hope she gets back on her feet and find someone else. But we stayed as friends. It was a promise. But one day she just decided to not reply to my text anymore. I was left wondering why. You know this. The more you have questions unanswered in your head, The more you feel in pain. This was what i felt. Days after trying to talk to her, I just got tired. But she came back not long after and said that she wanted to continue talking to me. I rejected it though. I explained to her how i felt and since she broke my promise and i was already talking to you at that point, I was gonna cut all ties off with her but i dont want her to exist in my life anymore. I checked her ig highlights to see if she had our photo when we went out to eat and if she had it, I would tell her to delete it and blocked her for good. I didnt want you to think badly seeing my photos on other girl's page but i slipped up and accidentally reacted to one of her photos. It was a mistake that i wish i hadn't done. I should have just left it and blocked her. You saw that she texted me on ig and you felt in pain. You felt betrayed. You blocked me and i wasnt given a chance to explain myself. I knew i fucked up big time. You believed whatever you said to me is true, That i was like the rest. The moment i knew i fucked up, I got ready and went straight to your house. I was gonna surprise you and cheer u up. Tell you that im yours and yours only. But that didn't happen. I met azka though. Such a sweet boy. I kneeled down and talk to him. The more i talk to him, The more i just felt like i didnt want to lose him too. I still remember he said that he wanted a bicycle because the one that he had broke. I told him wait for my pay day and i'll go shopping with Mummy to buy him a bicycle. Really sweet boy. I enjoyed talking to him and i told him if mummy comes later, I'll ask her for permission to play with you at the playground. I was super excited. But you didnt know what to do. You felt uneasy. You told your mom to accompany you to take mc and i was left there just waiting. After awhile, I knew that i wasnt gonna see you that day. I just felt like i had to give you the truth no matter what. I want to save all of this no matter what. So i gave my phone.

I was left with no phone though but i was okay with it. I thought of the bigger picture and that was you and azka in my life. A little bit of sacrifice wont hurt me. You leaving me would. I went home and the only platform i had to message you was discord and twitter. You told me. On that same night, You told me you had an accident, I was super worried. I video called you and i knew you should go to the hospital and get it checked because usually when you pillion, You're the one that will receive the most injuries. But you told me that it was all okay. I was going to pick you up and send you home. Even though i didnt have my phone, I know my way around roads. I got ready and was on standby. But you didnt reply for awhile. You went to search for your missing items. Your missing items include my phone because i told you, Whatever i own, It's yours. When you said you were gonna book a grab back home, I felt like i needed to see you. I felt like you needed me and it was my time to shine. So i went over to your house and waited. I waited for about 1 and a half hours. When my brain is telling me to go home, My heart tells me to stay for another half an hour and maybe you'll show up. I waited for about 1 and a half hours before my heart tells me, "Maybe she's back home already waiting for you to reply to her. It's okay if you missed her at her house, But she's waiting for you to come back home and text her". I was right. You did text me but i realised that if i waited for another half an hour more, I would have met you. I was desperate to know how ur feeling but at the same time, I thought you should rest because it was a tough day for you. We talked next morning and you said you were in the hospital. I got superworried. I wanted to visit you. I took mc again and was ready again whenever you need to see me.

[arckyy]

Day 6

We talked on tele, Not very much though as you were invested in someone else. But i was there if you needed anything. Suddenly you opened up to me about your current situation. You felt lost. You felt empty. You felt betrayed. Everything you worked for in that, Was just gone in a blink of an eye. All because of a guy's desire that he cant control. I told you to tell me more about him. The more you tell me about him, The more things just dont sit in correctly. I knew a storm was about to come for you. I was praying hard that you dont do anything stupid. I kept talking to you to distract you from these feelings. But eventually, You said you wanted to be alone. I was at camp at that time when you said that. I remember how heartbroken i was to lose the girl version of me. I told you what ur feeling was temporary. Dont let it get to your head. But it still did and i felt empty. Not in control of doing someone you care about so much really fucking hurts and i was in that position. I quickly went back home and cried and cried thinking that i've lost you forever. But you came back shortly after. You came back when i was crying. It's like you knew that i wasnt feeling okay. I felt that. I pulled my big boy pants up and wiped away my tears and continued to talked to you. You started asking me if i cared for you. I told you yes but you said if i cared about you, Then i should leave you. I couldnt. I just couldnt. I told you i was gonna do anything for you but this wasnt it. I couldnt imagine my life without you. I mean, You're literally my mirror. My other half. How could i leave you alone like this. But you say that im like the rest. I say things that i dont mean. You told me no one means the things that they say to you. You told me that you're gonna stop replying. That you're tired of hearing lies. I told you words are just words at the end of the day but i'll show it to you. That was a promise. A promise i keep very close to my heart. You said that i'll find someone better, But nobody else was better in my eyes other than you. I told you before that you were every man's dream girl. Even if not, You were in my eyes. But you told me that it was super easy to disappear from me. I felt scared. I'm not one to be scared of things. I'm not scared of pretty anything. But this scares me the most. The thought of losing you. I just can't. I'd rather die than to see that happen. But you were thinking about suiciding. I was ready to dash from wherever i was to save you. I told you i was dying too, and you said let's go. It's like the perfect recipe for something but i just couldnt find the word in my head. I knew from there on, If you were gone, I'll be gone too. I cannot see my life without you so if you did something to yourself, That i was gonna do the same. I told you that you're loved and you told me it's lies. You told me it was all bullshit. You told me that you met me at the wrong time, But at that point i was willing to wait. There is nobody else i'd rather be with other than you. I'd rather wait than to lose you and start something new with someone different. You were perfect to me. Despite all of your flaws, I was ready. I was ready for all of it. On that same night, You were going to do drugs but got caught by your dad. I was scared because you told me some stuff about your family. I dont want to say it here because it's the internet. I wished i was there to stop you in time. I didnt want you to go through what i went through in the past with drugs. The first time you called me baby, I felt alive again. I was smiling so wide you dont even know and thinking of it now when im writing this, I've never smiled that wide before and it was funny hahahaha. But what caught my attention was when i told you that i was being chased by my own demons and you said you found me and we'll go through it together. At this point im thinking like, No way, No way this is real right? Like am i dreaming? No one has ever said that to me. Not even my ex when i was at my lowest.

During this time, I can't wait to meet you in person. Take you out on dates. Bringing you and your son out for a family day. Bring you somewhere with a view and when the moon is at its brightest, We have our heart to heart talks and kiss under the bright moonlight. I dreamt of this before. I didnt want to wake up from that dream but sadly, Reality kicked in. I woke up and you weren't beside me. I rolled over on my bed and texted you straight away and thank god you're there. We talked for awhile. I was glad that you were eating because you mentioned that you couldnt eat properly. You just had no appetite. The spamming of messages from you, I was super happy. You're finally opening up to me. My whole world just lit up again. It was a feeling that i didnt even get to feel 4 years ago. Our conversations just keep getting better and better. I didnt want to leave my house or talk to anyone. No matter how busy i was, I just learn to give everyone excuses just so i could talk to you and fully dedicate my time to you

[arckyy]

Day 1

You and i were talking on facebook. We were just getting to know each other. Nothing much though. We ended the convo shortly after but came back. I told you that you were every man's dream girl. Well to my eyes you were. You were everything that i wanted. But i didnt expect too much because we just started talking. So i tried to kept the convo going to learn more about you. I told you how proud i was seeing you doing things that our generation and alot of people actually can only dream of having. U were pretty excited because at this time u won your first tender and you've started your own manning business. But at this time i was feeling down though. I was pressured by alot of things in my life. Living up to people's expectations are hard. But i had to keep going and i didnt have anyone to vent it to. So i posted it on facebook and you appeared again checking up on me. I still remember how happy i was to see your name in my notifications pop up. We talked for abit and you told me you had residual schizophrenia. You understand what i was going through. You understand the paranoia feeling. You told me to try and make it die down and not give in to whatever i was feeling. That changed everything. That sentence right there was when i felt like there was hope again for me. 4 years after my first relationship, I felt like i wanted to be in love again. Not just with anyone though. I knew this was a big risk but i didnt think much. I just imagined our future at that point. But shortly after that you told me that someone was going to come into my life and help me go through all the dark moments. I didnt know you were the one. But that comes in later. After that i posted a picture of my body in facebook stories and you started replying to it. You have no idea how driven i was to get the body you wanted. But i did tell you that i was reading your blog before we even talked. I followed you on twitter for a long time but i just love to learn how different people react to things. How certain people deal with different situations. All for my own learning and also to teach anyone who feels broken. Things got out of hand for you too though, It wasnt long after. You ranted out to me and i feel happy because that was the first time you opened up to me. I confessed to you not long after and you told me to not build up feelings for you. You didnt want any of us to be emotionally invested. As much as it was a risk to me, It was a risk to you too. But we both took that risk anyway because there's alot of similarities between the both of us. Like a mirror to each other. But i was about to breakdown really badly and i told you that i was going to take a break from social media for awhile and you gave me your tele and we started talking there instead. I was happy that i was still able to contact you because i had no one else. When everything is falling apart, We were always there for each other :)