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[arediscoveryofself]

Back to square 1

Did i come back to church after 4 years to go through another round of cell combining? Wth. Was the lesson learnt from 4 years ago not big enough that we must do it 1 more round?

[arediscoveryofself]

God is not interested in your present problem, He cares more about your eternal well being.

Every problem is an invitation to walk with God.

God calls you out from something before calling you into something.

Everything happens for a reason. Not because of karma or what your parents have done.

Sometimes not all problems need to be solved. Sometimes it’s to convey certain things.

These sentences got me thinking a lot a lot.

And it honestly brings quite a bit of respite to me to hear that God isn’t bothered about our current situation (not saying our problem is not a problem) but He cares more about our eternal well being. No wonder those with 5 talents and 2 talents both received the same reward when in heaven. Because God just cares if we have completed our earthly mission, for our reward is plentiful in Heaven.

I’ve long forgotten what does it mean to be Kingdom minded, and it’s very nice to have someone reminded me of it again.

How great is God, for pulling me back to Him.

In the early church, the disciples came tgt to do life and it was the community and the ambience that they have created which drew people to them daily. Daily.

But church today have become a place of bureaucracy, club memberships, weekly affair and sometimes driven by programmes. What happened to the early church?

[arediscoveryofself]

Been a long while since i’ve last updated this space and I wonder if people still read my post.  It’s been a long while coming back to church. I kind of still rmb the date that I’ve started going back church.. prolly around 20+ October.  And I still rmb how lost I felt because of wtv that have transpired during Oct to Nov 2022 cause it was really a terrifying period for WNB. I really had alot of bad night sleeps. Sometimes there were only 2 hours of sleep cause I was waiting for my developer to get back which he sometimes get back at 4 am or never did and I had to rush him for it.  We were basically stuck on a project and looking back, it was a mistake for us to:  #1: Accepted a job that had a very rushed timeline by client. It was initially not so rushed, but client wanted to rush it, so we only had 1 month to do up the 1st draft. And being as unexperienced gundos, we complied without knowing the technical complexities behind it.  #2. We engaged a very bad developer whom we did not work with before cause of kind - of introduction by another client. Instead of engaging our usual developer, we chose another one thinking pricer = better. But we were wrong in the end. He was not responsive and he really totally suck.  We ended up needed to engage a total of 3 developers to solve this mess. But because of this mess that was created right from the beginning, we ended up have to let go of this project because we didnt iron out the wireframe and user flow right from the beginning.  #3. So it was our mistake right from the start for not drawing out the user flow, because it means we couldn't foresee how many pages or designs we need to do to create a functional website, which ended up with a myriad of problems like rushed timeline etc.  I still rmb feeling so distraught by the project that I simply sat outside 7/11 at bugis+ and watching the cars past by. I was already smoking at that point in time, so I rmb smoking sticks after sticks while watching the cars past by.  I still rmb it was the rainy season for Singapore. So it kind of rained and drizzled. While waiting for the rain to end, I smoked indoors before going out to smoke again haha.  I still rmb it was Deepavali eve, and I was dreading for Tuesday to come. I knew I had to face client’s remarks when Tuesday comes.  Those were prolly one of my firm’s darkest days, and 2022 was a very tough year for us. Not only did client not pay on time, we had to face harsh criticism from clients and there were existing clients who dropped out too.  Now that this big storm has passed and we’re into much smoother waves, I’m simply thankful for how 2023 has transpired so far. Of course, its far too early to know how 2023 will end, but i’m immensely thankful for all the deals closed and all the clients earned.  But more importantly, thanking God for leading me back to church, to the House of God, back to this safe nest where I feel assured and calm.  I still get reminded of those dark days time to time, such as today. My heart still skipped a beat when that nasty client texted us for some follow up questions cause her tone simply sucks. Of course, as vendors we have our faults but I would like to think that the very fact that we have compensated by offering a refund, our culpability has ended. But anyways that is besides the point.  My mind still wanders back to those dark days when I walked past 7/11, but i’m just so glad, its all over now.  As i was journalling today, tears rolled down my cheeks. Maybe those days were really tough but I held it all in, without knowing I was on the brink of breaking. It was honestly a traumatising experience.  But maybe, those tears were also signs of gratitude towards God, for pulling me back to Church, where the Home is. I’m such a blessed child of God, where He really chased after my heart. I’m truly blessed.  And lastly, thankful for these 2 friends. One who randomly texted me on Sat afternoon thanking me, and another one for always jioing me to meals and winning me back to church subconsciously. 

Tonight is such a warmly night. 

I really hope, my presence makes cell alot less boring for them. And one day, may all prodigal children find Home.  Oh, how He loves us. 

[arediscoveryofself]

26th

I turned 26，6 days ago.  On that fateful day, I did not do anything memorable. Received a few birthday texts and I started to work.  Friends who truly remember your birthday without any Facebook reminder are true gold instead haha.  I celebrated my 2nd anniversary working full time in WNB in July. Would I have imagined that this business could have lasted me for 2 years when I left Avernor? Certainly not.  But I find myself procrastinating about work more and more, and lost abit of passion as time passes by. My mind has also been really cluttered recently. It could be because of problems and worries that running this business brings.  Currently, feeling pretty worried if a client will drop out. But then again, its not as if we did not face this problem before. So I guess we will just triumph over this problem again just like how we have done it before.  Running a business is certainly not a walk in the park. You may not be the one physically doing work, but the worry never end. You worried about client’s comments, fulfillments, cashflow and future plans.  So much so that I find it tiring the moment I wake up.  And tbh, I wonder if all these would be worth it eventually. Or would it be more worth it to just quit and work for somebody else again. Idk , I really got no idea.  But I know it was God who pulled us through every month. 

In April this year, we sank to a whole new low and I suffered from intermittent sleep again. But that month, we closed 2 new clients. 

As I start to get worried about client who might drop us, 2 clients came on board this week. One suddenly reconnected and the other one paid us 20% to kickstart a branding project. Just enough to last another month.  I feel really tired constantly worried about such things as it take up alot of mental strength. But its moment like this, that I know, He’s with me, in every step.  I may not know the months ahead, but He always provide. Just enough, for the very next step.  Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. 我站在属于我的领域 调动着思绪 击穿所有未知的谜底

[arediscoveryofself]

Give us this day, our daily bread

Just a few days back, or maybe a few weeks ago, I sank into a relatively deep pit of depression. I felt my anxiety was slowly creeping back. And I have long known that my anxiety is always and constantly triggered by external events. It could be the fear of grades, exams during the schooling days, or difficulty in getting a prestigious internship during the summer days.  And this time round, it was the late payments by client. I saw our bank account, and I know, if clients still dont pay, we are only left with 2 months of funds to keep us in operations.  Somethings don’t lie. A dead person doesn’t lie, and so does sleep. Sleep quality is truly a great reflection of one’s inner well being. These few days, I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. I wake up at 5+, 7+ in the morning before drifting off to sleep and then waking up proper to kickstart another work day.  But before I officially hit the work desk, I’ll somehow take a really long morning walk. Is it to shake off the drowsiness, the lethargy, or is it procrastination? Or is it just a culmination of everything? I guess I will never know.  Just as I was worrying, we received 2 payments yest.  My worry is finally relieved and I know, now we have funds to keep us going for another 1 - 2 months. 

It’s funny how we used to not even have any reserve funds in our bank, not knowing if we can make ends meet the very next month, not knowing if there is any incoming deal. But now that we’ve come slightly further, with more buffer, I still can’t help but to worry. I guess, this is the life of an entrepreneur, something that I’ve chosen to sign up for.  But yest, something snapped within me and I teared and prayed to God.  “Give us this day, our daily bread”, has been a verse that has been ringing in my head for the past few days. When I received the payments from client, I got reminded of a biblical story I’ve known since my church days.  God tasked the Israelites to only collect enough manna for the day. Any extra manna collected turned mouldy and inedible the very next day. Was this what God meant by He will wholly provide for all our needs?  When Jesus taught his disciples to pray, He said, “ Give us this day our daily bread.”  There was no mention of any loaf, or abundance in that model prayer.  And then when someone started to worry for what lies ahead, Jesus shared that each day has enough troubles of its own, do not worry about tomorrow. Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them

When I was way younger, I never really quite understood the meaning of these bible verses. What do you mean by not worrying for tomorrow. How can one not have a plan, or at the very least, not knowing what tomorrow will bring?  Why does today have enough worries for itself? After all, I grew up in a comfortable family, leading a comfortable life. So why is there enough worries for each day?  But entrepreneurship is prolly one of the biggest discipleship lesson. Those bible verses which i’ve long put at the back of my mind,  jostled for my attention once again, and each time, a different bible verse appears to match different life scenarios.  Yest, I found myself listening to worship songs voluntarily after a long long while. What was it? Was it my innate response? Or was it a reflective action from an individual who has spent 10 years growing up in church? I want to know. I want to know the answer. I want to know if I still believe in this God that i’m praying to.  I too, want to believe that if I want it hard enough, the universe will conspire to help me. But maybe its my upbringing in church, that made me believe its His hands behind all these. But I would like to also believe its my hard work that has brought me so far. And this struggle for control is one of main reasons of me leaving church. I can no longer believe wholeheartedly that things happen for a reason, and it’s all controlled by God. I know somewhere deep down, I reject that philosophy and believe that we have the agency to control what happens. Sometimes, it’s not because of God, but because of our very own actions.  But yet again, beneath all these hard work, whirlwind of emotions, I know He was the one who orchestrated all of these and allow me to make ends meet month after month. It’s the grace of God upon me and His blessings.  And maybe this is why I’m having a very big difficulty returning back to church. Because trusting God, seems to be conceding control. And I require a very big inner locus of control.    

[arediscoveryofself]

Sometimes I can’t help but to wonder, beneath that tough armour of yours, do you still crave to be understood and to be loved. Or all is truly good as it is right now? 

[arediscoveryofself]

Not a fan of hers, but I loved what she said in 16:25  “ Beneath the whirlwind of emotions, I just felt this divine peace that says, “ The Grace of God will never fail you” and looking back now, close to year later, I’ve seen the faithfulness of God, of what God has done for me.”  And its the same thing for me, of how He has guided and provided for me, month after month when i saw no light to the end of the tunnel.  Give us this day, our daily bread. 

[arediscoveryofself]

I stay up many nights dreaming about dreams.  I think about my dreams, about running an editorial. About writing stories, about telling stories. About creating podcasts, talking about content that matters to me. Thinking about creating videos on stories and heritage, and meaningful individuals. 

[arediscoveryofself]

Hey There

Its been a long time since I’ve last popped by here. Alot of things have since happened. I’ve started my own agency, having projects one after another which is so much to be thankful for given such times.  Coming 31 July would mark the official 1 year mark of taking We Narrate Brands full time. What a faith journey it had been.  I still remember those days in May and June 2020, when I would take a purposeful long walk to Kipo, albeit 20 minutes away from my house under the hot sun. I’ll walk, slowly, hoping to take my mind off things. Back then, I knew anxiety was creeping back. I was just burning on both ends, trying my best to juggle both Avernor and WNB freelancing. I was filled with guilt, not knowing which should I focus on more. Clients’ campaign weren’t performing well, which then affected my self-esteem.  But God knows best. I met a guy in July, whom gave us a big project that lasted us from Sept to November. And he introduced us to a whole new category of business. In August 2020, I started doing WNB full time. Sometimes, God needs to slam a door in your face to force you onto another journey. I’ve been contemplating to leave Avernor for a long time, but the income instability scared me alot. Yet, God decided to throw me into a deep sea in August 2020. I still remember those 5 am days, or those 7 am mornings when the sunlight pricked through the blinds. I was up way before that. Mornings became so different.  Back in Avernor, I woke up exactly at 10 am if not later, because I dreaded work. I dreaded facing work. But when it came to August, I woke up early involuntarily. Not because of work, but because of anxiety. How am I going to start finding deals? Can WNB truly sustain May and I ? Yet May was filled with optimism.  “Don’t worry la! Didnt we survive since Jan till now w/o any problem?!”  But its different now. This agency has to be able to feed both of us now. There is no turning back. I’ve got no plan B. I’ve got no more stable job to fall back on.  Fear can really drive someone. That month, our sales picked up. It could be driven by my innate fear of needing to provide for myself. Yet I find myself celebrating at the end of the month, but worrying for the upcoming month.  I led this life for a period of time, until I’ve forgotten since when, I started to being able to sleep better. I’ve started sleeping in till 9+ am, started to build a routine round my new life.  I still feel surreal that we have successfully pivoted from doing insurance leads generation to branding and story telling for SMEs. Today, we worked with photographers and videographers. Today, we’ve got graphic designers and copywriters.  This month marks the 4th month we’ve been paying our graphic designer a full time pay regularly. Its a big step for WNB and I am just so proud about it.   But today, anxiety pangs came back. I began to worry again. I started to procrastinate work badly again. But I know, I rather be worried about the deliverables, then to go back to last year where I would wake up not knowing if I did the right thing.  Oh, what a big leap of faith it has been since. :’) 

[arediscoveryofself]

2 different worlds

Parents havent been supportive of this new relationship that I was in, and I’m honestly not too sure if it had subconsciously affected me too. But as we spent more time together, a part of me wishes that he can share more common topics with me.  I wished he had something to add when I talked about my overseas experiences. I wished he had something to add when I talked about my backpacking experiences. I wished he had something to add when I talked about branding and marketing. I wished he had something to add when I talked about investments and finance. I wished he can share more about his ambitions, and the little things that he is doing to reach there. I come from a complete family, with strong financial support, middle-upper income family. My parents give me a lot of financial security which allows me to start my own business. They don’t bug me for household expenses, and I’m so confident that my parents can retire comfortably without my brother and my support.  On the other hand, his family can’t. His sister doesn’t contribute to the family, his brother studies sucks (lol) and he is giving his mum allowance. His dad passed on due to cancer when he was 19, without leaving anything behind. His dad did no planning, and there was a mortgage loan to pay off. So his mum did the lease buyback to return the loan and left with remaining 30 years old to stay in the house. But despite the financial situation, his mum is still not working which honestly makes me really quite upset. How can the mum not work when she can clearly tell that her family finances is not in good condition? I don’t get it, and as a result, I don’t have much respect for the mum (but of course, I dk her, so i guess my feelings are largely not accurate)  I know, he didn’t have a choice in his family background and he is trying hard to change. He makes his own investment, he also buys into a retirement plan. And I know, he dotes on me. But idk, I guess there is still a bit or rather, a huge difference between us which honestly makes me wonder if we can still go on together.  The things that he talked about and the things that I talked about are gradually different...  Idk. Help. I am so confused. 

[arediscoveryofself]

Hi Tumblr, its been a while. A while since I’ve last blogged. But its also cause I cant find a space safe enough to blog about my feelings, or rather this ball of feelings that I have today.  Somewhere in July, 2 days before my birthday, I met a guy. A brand new guy in my life. I wouldnt say we hit off well, but rather, we hit off not bad. It wasn’t bad. But then again, given my nature, I guess I hit off not bad with quite a number of people. We subsequently went out on more occasions, we always have a place that we wanted to visit, food that we want to try and movies that we want to watch. We got closer, and we started holding hands. We knew we were dating and we knew we were only seeing each other. I wanted to keep that status quo. I didn’t want us to become official boyfriend girlfriend. I wanted to just keep that status because I knew I wasn’t ready to commit yet. I wasn’t ready to commit into a r/s yet. I knew I wasn’t ready to share about my day and talk about my future with someone yet. I knew, I hadn’t come out from my previous relationship yet. I knew and I knew. But I too knew, he had a different thinking. He was very serious in this relationship. He gave me a lot of security. He double text, triple text, never missing any good night or good morning. He was so different from Jian wei. When with Jianwei, I had to wait eagerly for this text for the day only to be disappointed at night. But with him, I knew I would always be greeted with a morning text. I knew I should tell him about my stance before we proceeded further, but I guessed I avoided. I avoided it too much. So one fine day, he popped the question, he told me to be his girlfriend. I dk how to say no. So I ended up accepting. Yes, fuck, I screwed up and accepted it when I was clearly not ready.  Why did I accept and not do anything till date? Its indeed like what the Youtube says.. you don’t know how to say no. You just keep avoiding, afraid of facing the consequences, but not making the decision might actually be a worse off option.  I conveniently forget my dates with him, and now a part of me dread going out with him. I know, I should say something soon. Soon... I really got to make it soon. Jesus, pls give me the courage. Please. 

[arediscoveryofself]

Don't settle

They say I'm never someone who settles for comfort. I think so. As much as the discomfort, the insecurity of running a business is gradually consuming me bit by bit, but I know I'm not willing to give this part up.  Was just doing a little bit of reflection, and felt so thankful to have gained this skill of digital marketing so that I can be a digital nomad, to work in any part of the world. Can't wait to see my agency up and kicking about, so that I can start hiring beneficiaries, start impacting more people /environment with the company profits, and the list goes on and on.  Joyann business shut down (temporarily?) and I'm so glad that I chose to fly over to meet her over christmas last year, albeit the skyrocketing ticket prices. I know, she might never come back Singapore, because its so hard to settle back down here, after living in Myanamr for so long. Life in the third world is so different. They move slowly, differently. Life is alot more uncertain there without a guarantee. You don't know if business continues tomorrow, you don't know if policies will change and it goes on. But that lifestyle seems to have grown on Joyann who is loving the dose of adrenaline rush.  2019 I started interning in Avernor, and then this year i started doing my own projects. Not sure what this year would bring, and not sure what 2021 would bring. Would I be in a third world country, typing another tumblr post, while sipping a cup of tea? Would I already be supporting a missionary for his work?Or would I be simply too scared to get out of my comfort zone? I just want to be a light that shines in the marketplace. To use my skill to expand His Kingdom, and to be uncomfortable, to grow and to challenge myself.  Here's to new adventures. 

[arediscoveryofself]

今天我本来想要联络你。问你好吗， 有空吗。但翻开手机的那一刹那， 我瞬间忘了你的名字和电话。突然感觉有点彷徨。我不想这么快忘记你。

[arediscoveryofself]

Smoking and Chilling

I stopped smoking when I came back from Europe, and then I picked it up again in August this year. That time, the company was undergoing this huge politics and the environment was so toxic that I was so clueless and helpless. And I simply did not know how to handle with so many impending deadlines. 

That time, the burden was shared between May and I , and she became my close work buddy and the only smoking buddy at work. 

But now shes leaving. Next Friday is her last day and I feel so sad.  I don't know how to describe this heartache and sadness. Sigh. Work would never be the same again I supposed.  Its amazing how fate brings us together and how we became close colleagues in a matter of months. 

May I learn to treasure and hold. 

Sunrise, sunset. 

[arediscoveryofself]

I usually don’t believe in such articles, but it’s accuracy is honestly freaking me out.

[arediscoveryofself]

So tonight, at 7 Pm, I finally plucked up my courage to confess. My heart raced when you told me you would give me a proper reply after your run.

That wait felt like eternity long. Finally after 4 hours, you texted, “ can I call you to tell you about how I feel?”

My heart raced again, and I told vanessa I am so screwed. But little did I know, it blossomed into a long , beautiful and mature conversation.

You told me that we had to think about a lot of factors and you don’t want to rush into a relationship. You told me that let’s understand each other better. You told me you are busy with your training so it means we can’t hang out that often. You told me that if you entered the police force, you can’t book out for the next 6 months which is something that I would have to consider. But I love that truthful conversation whereby you throw out all these problems beforehand, for me to consider before deciding if I want to take on another step further. And then you continued by saying you are in no position to date because you are currently unemployed. You can’t promise me of any financial stability. You told me that my dad won’t agree to me dating you because you wouldn’t allow your daughter to date a penniless man. You told me that you don’t stay over because you don’t want man to overnight in your daughter’s roo And from there, I know, I confessed and chosen the right man. The right man whom I can entrust my foreseeable future to.

So here’s to taking steps to learn more about each other. :’)

What a man. ❤️

[arediscoveryofself]

💙