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argentiumc0mics-blog · 7 years ago

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The Last Human Standing By Maximiliano Battistella.

He is running towards the hangar bay at full pelt, he passes all the weird and wonderful shops on the space station without a second glance. Different sets of eyes are looking at him with concern, indignation, and, suspicion. Once he reaches the hangar he starts the launch cycle on the console in front of him, it’s proving difficult on account that the display is in Qualmean, a 64 byte character set that requires genius level intellect just to be able recognise a single character. Unfortunately he has 10 seconds to start the launch and get into his chair, then strap himself in and if he can't get off this world it won't matter any more. The continued existence of the Human race depends on his ability to escape a world bent on destroying every LAST human in the known universe.

You’re probably thinking, wow how did this happen? What could have the human race done to deserve such a fate on such a massive scale. It’s really quite simple. Humans are no good at inter-galactic diplomacy. The First Union of Countries and Kingdoms of Earth or (F.U.C.Ks of Earth for short) had visited the Qualmean Empire (Pronounced Qual-Me-an) to extend their relations in the galaxy and to setup a trade partnership. The main problem with this was that the Qualmean Empire has some very strict etiquette, those that don’t follow the etiquette are usually punished extremely fiercely.

Don’t ask me what they are, I have no idea and I’m Omniscient, so imagine the level of confusion a lowly human will have in being able to learn and comprehend these regulations when speaking to a highly complex carbon based life form that is not of this Galaxy.

I’ll jump straight into the Inciting incident of this tale. Our leader Bob McWhitey had promised to broker a deal with the Qualmeans in the hope to secure trading about 10 years ago in the year 2569. Over the last ten years he has been extensively studying the Qualmean ways and trying to improve his Qualmean language skills and he did a great job at it. What he didn’t account for was the very last rule, The rule stating that the etiquette will always be in constant flux once every 9 years. When he saw that he realised the mistake that he had made, unfortunately, refusal to meet with the Qualme (kind of like a god king) is punishable by death.

At the meeting of this most heinous creature, Bob The almighty leader of the F.U.C.Ks of Earth mistakenly took the crowned prince of the Qualmean Empire for an hors d'oeuvre and eats him. The Qualmean God King witnesses this and says to his guards,“GET THAT FUCKER!”

Quickly the guards apprehend all the humans in the room. The Qualmean King God addresses the intergalactic news feed with a stern look upon his face.

“The God King, I, have decreed that for the crime perpetrated by the leaders of the F.U.C.Ks of Earth, Bob McWhitey, all his subjugates, the Fuckers of Earth, will now be sentence to permanent and total extinction within the universe, all citizens of the Qualmean Empire will be dutifully task with either the killing, meat farming or sterilizing of all humans within their contact effective immediately. It is with great sadness that I announce that this heinous creature has devoured the crown prince of the Qualmean Empire who was just born 100 years ago and was still in his infancy flowering stage. As a result we will have a public execution of all the humans at the trade exposium of the galactic trading federation. He and his constituents will be fed to my children”.

Now I could go in to the whole gorey situation of how the humans at the trade were humanely stripped naked and the placed in a large atrium. Nor will I say that they were devoured slowly and agonizingly.

Bob got it the worst, somehow these alien flower people are so advanced that they have developed a punishment that well… I ok… I cannot for the life of me…. OK ok ok, they made him screw himself to death and then they ate him, it was gross. It was … HWURRRRRRRH. sorry.

Let’s move on. PLEASE!

Once the contingent at the event had been devoured every Qualmean in the universe picked up some weapon and started exterminating the humans indiscriminately and in the space of one week all of the humans that were NOT on earth (approximately 1 billion souls) had all been executed. Well all except 1. Meet Das Parker, no one special or mystical about this guy, it’s not like he is Buck Rogers or Luke Skywalker or even the great and fantastic Flash Gordon. Nope he’s just a guy with a really fast ship who specialises in delivering manure across galaxy. Like any good plant life they need a good quality fertilizer in order to grow into the shit kickers of the universe, oops I mean the Qualmeans, not Das.

So when the word that all humans are to be executed he took out his modified plastic pee shooter (Qualmeans are sensitive to extremes of PH levels and as urine is slightly acidic well you get the picture) and shot the Qualmean he was doing business with and used his remains as a disguise. And nonchalantly walked out of store until someone said “OH THE HORROR, THAT HUMAN IS WEARING A QUALMEAN AS A HAT, KILL HIM!” and so we return to our regular broadcasting of the end of the world.

Finally within his craft, now the great thing about the ship is that although it might not be the nicest smelling it was designed with space freighting in mind, get to one end of the galaxy to the other as fast as possible. So naturally this ship has a very pointy back and a curved round front much like an airfoil and the entry is the back dip. He jettisoned all the containers as the count down reach 1 and then he’s hurled through a portal which at the other end is an orbital portal floating in space. He escapes the atmosphere at mach 4 and clears the range of communications array of this planet. He is now floating away in space at mach 3. He did notice however that his ship was being followed by other ships so he opted to veer of the intergalactic super highway or as the locals call the Interweb. These are routes that connect solar systems together across the galaxy. Inter galactic travel is a little more tricky it uses these known lanes and the portal technology that is built into the front of the ship the main issue is the stability, the landing portals have a frame this does not so if you're not dead centre well you get sucked into hyperlanes forever. Not fun cause well you get torn apart atom by atom.

So he does the calculations and returns to the one place he swore he would never go back to, Io. Yes the moon of Jupiter, he hates that place but he's got no choice because the the moon has the one place he can monitor the laneways and the one place that has weapons he can use against the Qualmean navy.

He arrives and starts the landing cycle and a voice communicates with him.

“Identify yourself.” says the operator.

“it is the captain of the Shit Kicker, Das Parker.”

“Das? It's Jono, What the hell are YOU doing here?”

“well, saving the human race.”

“You were in Qualmea?”

“sure was now start the landing cycle and let's get those weapons ready.”

“aaah, about that. They were sent back to earth after your court Marshall.”

“No they weren't, sorry about this but, The magic of greyskull is within you.”

“...”

“YOU GLORIOUS FUCKER. I remember, wait… You HYPNOTIZED ME? we are going to have words.”

The Next week they spent getting the weapons ready and monitoring the lanes. The F.U.C.Ks of earth where now headed by The First Union of Countries & Kingdoms Military Expedition. (OR F.U.C.K.M.E for short). And they closed the lanes to earth just before Dad entered and are also monitoring the lanes the only problem was that the minutes it took to get to earth meant valuable time would be lost in reviving the info which meant that the qualmean war ships would arrive BEFORE the signal does. This is why Das came to IO he suspected that Bob McWhitey was a complete and utter moron on account that is his sister's Ex-husband.

So now you can see how punching the leader of the Earthlings after finding out that he had cheated on his sister might get him into trouble when he was in the military. Court marshalled and dishonourable discharge and now enough about his past, lets get to the good bit.

Although the lan ways may closed there are ways of creating new ones but the best way to do that is to hide behind very large heavenly bodies like say the largest planet in that solar system (see what I did there, he used his military knowledge to foresee their next move). Unfortunately for them, he’s been advising them on military tactics and giving them a lot of crap as well.

The lane monitors are all setup and pointing to multiple places and the guns are all ready and in place. The “Shit Kicker” is on the other side of jupiter so now the ambush is set and Das Parker is ready to show the Qualmean Army how much of a REAL Fucker he is and that they’d done a big mistake messing with the Fucks of Earth.

“Attention Qualmean Army, please turn around and go back home.”

“Attention Qualmean Army, this is your only warning.”

“Attention Qualmean Army, we will use you as fertilizer should you not return home, you overgrown venus fly traps.”

“Attention Qualmean Army, my name is Das Parker, you killed our leader, prepare to die.”

And with that Das Parker single handedly pissed off one of the most advanced civilisations in all of the known universe. See I lied when I said Das wasn’t special. He is and has ALWAYS been a grade A premium Asshole. It’s why he was sent to the Army to curb some of that passive aggressiveness. What it actually did was heighten his level of assholery to new heights. If The Qualmean empire has a god king well Das was the God of Contempt with a weapon.

They jump straight toward him which was exactly what he wanted, as he was in the middle of the minefield that he se3tup, they would be able to easily manouvre around it but what they didn’t know was that he had the detonator that could explode all at once or individually. As he is navigating through the minefields the Qualmean fighter launch from their battleships, these ships are small v shaped crafts with stigma like protrusions on the top of the pilots flightdeck. 20 craft are chasing down the “Shit Kicker” and closing in on him,

Pilot 1 says, “Look alive boys, we got lunch at 12 O’clock.”

Pilot 2 responds with “hmmmm human, apparently it tastes like chicken, whatever that is.”

Pilot 3 says, “That’s an Naca 1200 frieght cruiser, he should be travelling a lot faster then tha…..” sssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So in space there’s no air which means when something does explode it just gets torn apart these three lovely now destroyed ships didn’t notice the mines and those mines where remotely detonated hurling metallic objects through space in every direction, the concussive blast knocked P1 into P2 tearing them apart in the process but P3 got it the worst as he was closest to the plus, his ship looked like someone tearing through the hull and shredding him into pieces. The other ships returned to the battle ship.

“This is civilian Das Parker, you have been successfully ambushed by shit farmer some mines and the io planetary system defenses please leave or we will destroy you all. Signing out, A1 fucker.”

Stage 2 of the plan was now under way and the battleships had now mobilised through the mines as there shields could withstand blasts from the mines. Nothing short of an ICBM could penetrate the hull of those Qualmean ships, the B1g-80085. The F.U.C.Ks of earth call these Debby’s, not sure why but hey whatever floats their boats.

As he waits in ready to deploy his payload Das looks out to jupiter even despite the distance this is a mammoth planet covering the whole left field of his vision. He knows that this will be the last thing he sees and is getting ready for the inevitable.

“This is a distress call that will never be answered so please do not try to recover my body. If this get’s sent out then I am deceased and have been crushed by the atmosphere of jupiter.”

“To my family friend's, it is me Das Parker. I am sorry for the embarrassment of being associated with you.”

“To the rest of F.U.C.Ks of Earth, I hated each and everyone of you for so long I thought I could live without you all, I was wrong. I am doing this because you’re don’t deserve to be completely wiped out and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. I am proud to say that I, Das Parker are true blue home grown Fucker and to all you Fuckers on earth I salute you.”

As he finishes his distress message the Debby comes into view and he detonates all the mines as the debris are flying into the mines another object is seen hurtling through space towards the ship. The mines were a distraction, the real bomb is an ICBM hurling towards the B1g-80085 and slamming into the container on the bottom, which houses intergalactic portal generator. As the nuclear weapon detonated all of the parts and the ship get torn apart and the nuclear blast the nuclear flash occurs and the ship is completely destroyed with a wave of colours ranging from white to red, to orange, pink and then purple.

Das is using all of his piloting skills to avoid the blas and although he’s out of the blast radius the shrapnel are now chasing him and he’s moving away from the blast towards Saturn's other side. Using his radar to dodge oncoming shrapnel veering left and right and trying his best not to be torn apart. As he clears the debris he feels relief and starts to relax. He thinks to himself, I could go for some barbecued tofu right now.

BANG!,

“What the ever loving f.u.c.k was that?” said Das.

As he looks through his flight canopy he sees a disabled Venus fighter DOCKED to him. Two Qualmeans are now boarding his ship he takes out his Pee Shooter turns and one of the Qualmeans are wearing a Guards uniform. The first guard get’s shot in the face instantly melting it but the second knocks him down and pins him down. A confused look on Das’ face.

“You’re not going to kill me, what does the royal want with me?”

Six months later Das Parker is the New leader of the Continental Union of Terristerial Society or C.Un.T.S of Earth. Which covers not just the planet earth but it’s other planetary colonies. With a new God King a new found prosperity was established. Unbeknownst to Qualmeans and humans it seems that waste removal from earth acts as a super food for the Qualmeans. A new convention was created for Human and Qualmeans. The Human will start with “Eat my shit you Qual.” and the Qualmean will respond with “Thanks a lot you C.UN.T”.

The End.

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