ariadnestars - Tumblr blog

[ariadnestars]

I looked at him. He was already staring.

[ariadnestars]

I was wrong. I didn't need to be afraid. You are everything.

[ariadnestars]

I have always been the type of person

[ariadnestars]

I just need you

[ariadnestars]

I held myself together for so long. Day after day I woke and greeted the day ahead knowing there was nobody waiting for me. There was no prince charming. There was no false hope of the delusional daydreaming girls always allure themselves into. There was only me. And somehow that was enough. It had to be.

I learned to feel alive. To actively look for things that reminded me of who I was, things I used to love. Day after day I tried to be grateful. I tried to be better. I humbled myself into knowing my truth was not the only one. That the change I desperately wanted to see in others I should also seek for myself. I tried to be stronger. To be wiser.

I neglected all kinds of social interaction for a whole year. I would not love anyone, partner or friend, before myself. It was my journey. Mine. And I carried myself up that hill step by step. I cried and I bled. I prayed and found God for the first time in my life not because I was told so, but because I felt it inside myself.

I held myself together for so long before you so I knew what I was capable of. For me to be certain that I was enough for me. That I will always be enough for me. Even when I'm broken. Even when I'm low. No matter the situation. I can do it. I can manage to heal myself.

But then you came. With your soft smile and light jokes. Like a magnet pulling me out of my orbit. You conquered me day after day. You showed me I could be taken care of, even if I was completely capable of doing it myself. That I wanted you to take care of me. I wanted your gentle hands and your steady arms holding me. I wanted you. Over and over again.

You came swiftly and I made room for you in my life. Suddenly my thoughts were constantly adorned by your name, and for the first time in forever, that was ok. I felt myself fall, slowly, into you. To begin and to love you more and more each day. To make you my world and let my guard down.

And then, one night, I feel something start to shatter. Maybe it was time slowing down as I watched you go down the hall and leave me behind. Maybe it was the anger of seeing another trusted person do this, knowing I could never bring myself to do this to anyone, let alone to him. And the doubt of what that meant. The worrying thoughts that resurfaced, about the day before and more.

Now I pace around this matter. For I love him, but also deserve to be true to myself after all. He didn't make me his priority when he expected me to be at his backing call and slept the whole day, while I was sacrificing my grandma's heart to be with him for a while. Or when he changed our plans without a second thought for a rehearsal in a band with people he seems not to enjoy very much these days, while I was ready to sacrifice an hour of my study for us. And although we talked through all of these things, I can't help but think about them now. He changed our plans again without warning me, again. He left me at his backing call, again.

And then we spend the whole day together, like the fool I am. Helping him clean everything. And when we were done he was so ready to call up all of his friends (or guys he knew-but-wasnt-really-friends-to-begin-with?) and shove me into a bunch of people I don't know. I was so worked out. I am shy. It is not simple for me. I am afraid of meeting new people, and simply learned to deal with it. And it is not because I deal with it that it is less of a hazard.

And then he was ready to let me go back. So he could make the most of his time. But when he changed his mind, not for me, and I refused, he turned his back on me. And I held myself together.

[ariadnestars]

You can choose. You can choose. You can choose.

[ariadnestars]

I get lost in his eyes

[ariadnestars]

I call out your name

and pray in silence

for you to turn back

helpless

when you do

I betray myself

[ariadnestars]

I pace and pace

around

analytical thoughts fight

against my own heart

"would dad do that?"

(no)

I lay back

and the answer comes

(no)

in a spin of gravity

a short and sharp

- no

as knives I can somehow

feel

against my flesh

[ariadnestars]

For every word Said under the midnights skies. Torn apart by my muffled cries and tired lungs. Written with trembling hands in the cold murk of my windowpane. Whispered to God in folly hope. Blissed praised. And deeply felt. I vow not to forget

[ariadnestars]

For the first time in my life my heart is full. He makes me happy in ways no one else could. In his smile I find my peace, a home.

[ariadnestars]

he is my moon

[ariadnestars]

you've got stars in your eyes

that would light up a whole town

[ariadnestars]

I cannot write. I love you so much that words won't ever be enough to describe it

[ariadnestars]

I bloom for you everyday.

[ariadnestars]

SKYRIM + purple skies

[ariadnestars]

moon's glimmer shines across the poets lake silver mirror reflects a sacred place