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My Nightly Journal

I thought I would make my last official blog about the assignment itself. For nine different nights I used this assignment as my nighttime writing. I have used my journal every night since I was 12 (give or take a few days due to camps and such). I felt like this assignment was going to be super hard to write freely still and not feel forced however just like every night, my pen was all over the page. I made sure I picked subjects that I could write about for ages. Not subjects like “what I ate for breakfast” which get old for me very quickly. 

This assignment actually got me to write about some subjects (like my struggles with school) that I have been avoiding talking about because they bring up various feelings that I do not like to think about. I think that my other journaling benefited from this assignment because I wrote about feelings I could not identify before. I might be stretching but this assignment helped me find a love of writing again that I thought I had lost. So thank you for that!

I want to get as many people to start a journal as possible. My mom was the first person to make me journal and she says that even if you can only get out one or two sentences it is still beneficial. I think that journal is a very personal way to get your feelings out. I have things written in countless journals that are definitely not for the public eye. But that is what a journal is meant for. I believe that it provides really good insight into what you are really feeling at the time. It is also just really fun to re-read old entries. I sometimes read things from when I was twelve and think “wow did I really care about this small thing that is so insignificant now LOL”.

Overall this assignment was a blast and I am really happy I took it and ran with it. I feel very accomplished!

[ariel-madison-blog]

Music and Netflix Lover

I listen to music very often, usually multiple times throughout my day. Oftentimes used to help me focus, to get my mind off of something, to blast in the car, and even to fall asleep. Music has always been an outlet for me and whenever I hear a good one, I try to write it down here. Here are a few:

-Speechless by Dan and Shay

-Me! by Taylor Swift

-Be Alright by Dean Lewis

-Hollow by Belle Mt

-Perfect by Ed Sheeran

-I Wanna Know by NOTD

-Rise by Jonas Blue

-Scars To Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

-Meant to Be by Bebe Rexha

-Fallen Angel by Frankie Valli

I also watch a lot of Netflix shows and movies with my mom so every time we see a good one I write that down here as well.

-Gilmore Girls

-Kissing Booth

-Raising Hope

-Glee

-Jane The Virgin

-Stranger Things

-Lucifer

-The Fosters

-Santa Clarita Diet

-Black Mirror

-Drop Dead Diva

I figured my blog could use a light entry hahah. I will try to keep the list up to date with what I find. Both music and TV with my mom are good ways for me to unwind especially after a long day at school!

[ariel-madison-blog]

My College Decision

Currently I have not decided on a college yet for the fall. My two options are Concordia St Paul and University of River Falls. Both are great colleges for what I want to do. I am hoping to go to undergrad for early education and enter grad school for child psychology. My goal as of recently is to open my own office for psychology as well. I only applied to CSP originally and it was the only one in my mind until about a month ago. Here is a pros and cons list for each: 

Concordia St Paul

Pros:

-14 minutes away from home

-Religion based and I am hoping to regain my faith. CSP would help me greatly with that

-Has a daycare on campus that I can do a work-study for possibly

-Has a better reputation than UWRF

-Would be a totally fresh start as no one I know is going there

Cons:

-It is only 14 minutes away from my house and I would find it hard to stay on campus

-It is SO expensive even with financial aid (100,000 dollars in debt most likely even before grad school)

-I would feel really bad if I got one bad grade because I am spending so much money on that place

-The more it is shoved down my throat the less I want to go there

-I do not know if I would like another place better because originally it was the only one I applied to and visited

River Falls

Pros:

-My best friends are going there

-My favorite human lives very close to there

-I would feel very comfortable 

-It is away from my parents 

-It is SO much cheaper. All four years tuition is LESS than only one year of some of my friend’s colleges

-I would have a little more freedom and I think my mental health needs that

Cons:

-It is not where my parents want me to go

-It is notoriously a party school

-Not as reputable I suppose

-The people would probably feel very familiar

[ariel-madison-blog]

Going Through My Grandma’s House

Today I started going through my grandma’s things with my grandpa (Pa).

She left me almost everything she could have left me with. She left me her jewelry, office supplies, a savings account for college, her $400 sewing machine, and the collection of hundreds of mystery books that she wanted to start a bookstore with had she ever gotten the chance. 

Pa is having a hard time letting go of her things and I totally understand why. My mom came with and suggested that we only go through and remove a few items at a time which as far as I am concerned is no problem. Everything can stay at their house if he wants. I am still over there 3 times a week anyway. I can use her stuff there if I need to anyway.

Personally, using her things is a little strange to me still. I have read 3 books from her shelves so far and one has a bookmark that I handmade for her however long ago. I refused to remove it or even touch it so I just skipped the whole page and acted like it did not happen LOL. 

Over the summer Pa does want to start getting rid of the items that constantly remind him of her. Such as he desk, and clothes that are still in their closet. I am not sure if he thinks he will be ready for that or not. I highly doubt it because earlier this week he yelled at my mom for accidentally hitting play on a recording that I took of her talking to me two days before she passed. It will be an interesting next couple of months I think.

[ariel-madison-blog]

My Journey With Depression

I already mentioned my battle with depression but it seems appropriate to make a separate post about it. Especially because I have a lot of friends in very similar situations to me.

I suppose I should start by saying that depression takes so many different forms for everyone that has it and it is not a light subject.

I noticed a slight shift in my moods about 4 months after I found out about my grandma’s diagnosis. After I was pulled aside by her primary doctor and was told that my grandma had no hope of surviving this disease if I had to pinpoint a moment, that is where I would put it. Although, it was a slow decline for my mental health. 

I began to sleep more during the day, and less at night which was mine and my parents first warning signs. I went to the gym less, started reading less, and started listening to music less. All activities I found so much joy in doing, slowly just became mundane and boring. I noticed I had more of an attitude and I felt like I did not care about much going on with my life anymore. I got my first grade that was not an A first semester of senior year and when confronted by my mother, I shrugged and said that it wouldn’t matter anyway. By the end of first semester I was getting in screaming matches with my mom at least once a week.

I finally began conveying this information to my therapist and my physician. I was tested for a multitude of diagnoses including an eating disorder. I ended up with a very low Vitamin D count and was given a prescription for it immediately as low Vitamin D is linked to depression. I noticed a small shift with this med and I began sleeping less after school and I finally began to love gymnastics again which was all great.

However, I am still struggling with school more than I ever have. If I end up not graduating, I will be the only one to blame and that scares me I think more than even depression in general does.

[ariel-madison-blog]

My Self-Care

Here is an entry about my self-care. 

I am a very list oriented person. I often make to-do lists for everything that I need to get done in a day. One color Post-It for during school, and one for after school. To me, these lists help with my self-care because I am doing myself a favor the more I complete off of my list. If I sit at home and do nothing, that is doing more harm than good for me.

After everything or most everything I can finish is done, I can move onto the more fun parts of my day such as a face mask, walking my dog, or reading. I usually try not to start a book unless it is a Friday night because lately I have very little self control and would not be able to put it down long enough to do ANYTHING off of my list. However, that and listening to music are my favorite forms of self-care. 

Recently I have been trying to get myself to go to bed earlier which I think definitely qualifies as self-care. About 2 weeks ago, I found myself staying up until 2 in the morning trying to force myself to do any amount of work that I could, without realizing I got even less done the next day because I was so tired. Therefore, I started moving my “bedtime” back by 30 minutes every night. Tonight my goal is to be in bed by 11:30 p.m. Although I already know that that is likely not going to happen. LOL

Hopefully in coming weeks, I can get more work done and start to feel a little bit better, especially by implementing an earlier bedtime and getting more time to breathe during my day.

[ariel-madison-blog]

My Gymnastics Career

I was a competitive gymnast for 14 years. I began the sport at age 4 and I only recently ended my career as I am a senior and will be heading to college in the fall. I have never left gyms, taken a break, or missed a competition in all 14 years. The longest break I took was one month right after my grandma passed away and I was not planning on finishing the season after that event. However, my coach convinced me to stay because my grandma never missed one competition either and would definitely want me to see the season through. So I stuck with it and I am so glad I did.

I competed at all seven meets and I finished the season without an injury which for me was very exciting. I recently did a photo-shoot for my gym and a banner of me is going up in the gym after graduation and I am stoked for that! The gym owners have always been so kind to me and I can safely say that they have shaped me into the human I am today. 

My career may be over now, but I am also a coach for my gym. I teach preschool classes, recreational students, and as of this summer, my own teammates and my old program. This sport will forever have a place in my heart as well as my gym. I hope to keep my job all 4 years of my undergrad as well!

[ariel-madison-blog]

My Grandma

I mentioned in my previous post about my grandma passing away. It seemed wrong of me to simply gloss over this situation so I made a separate post about it.

So my grandma was diagnosed with cancer April 4th, 2018. She lived 169 days after her diagnosis. When I tell you that she was like a second mother to me I am not stretching. She was 63 and since I was a baby, I spent every weekend with her. She taught me how to ride my bike, tie my shoes, and write my last name. When my dad was in night school and my mom was in treatment, my grandma took care of me. Every Saturday morning before my gymnastics practice she made French Toast from scratch. I could take about my grandma for ages and ages and I definitely have talked peoples’ ears off about her. 

My grandma had Stage 4 Adeno Carcinoma, which is a lung cancer that spread throughout her body. It was caught extremely late and it was due to her being a heavy smoker about 20 years earlier. 

She was and is a beautiful woman and I talk to her every morning and every night before I go to bed. While my mother taught me much of my life skills, I would not be half of the person I am today if it was not for my grandma. Losing her will always be the hardest event of my life. Just shy of her seeing me graduate from high school and end my competitive gymnastics career. Her love and presence follow me everywhere I go and I hope I never lose that comfort. 

[ariel-madison-blog]

Senior Year

This year has been a complete roller coaster. It began with my grandma passing away 14 days into first semester and ended with my uncle committing suicide about 2 months ago. I battled severe depression and am still trying to cope as I near graduation. Speaking of graduation, up until one week ago, I had no confidence that I was even going to graduate high school for a number of reasons. 

The main reason being the classes that I was taking were proving difficult since I did not and still do not have an motivation to do the work which was very out of the ordinary to me and my family. Up until my grandma’s passing, I was a 3.8 student, full time gymnast, and NHS student who had no problem with anything related to school. I found myself struggling in both of my English classes, Chemistry, and even Band. I finally finished my Chemistry with a C and my Band director has been a saint through it all and now understands my absences. My only class remaining is online English and boy, without motivation, it has been a challenge to do the course work. I can have one good day, and three really hard ones that follow it. When I am able to have a good day, I try to get as much done for my classes as possible but I am learning that there are only so many hours in a day.

Through this year, I am trying to remind myself that I am a human and that I am doing as best I can with the cards I have been dealt this year. I remind myself daily to grant myself grace and that just because I have one tough school year, that does not mean I cannot handle the college setting. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself, I still need to graduate ;)