arktistic

[arktistic]

I saw this post on tiktok and as soon as I opened the comments I started sobbing

[arktistic]

a detailed list of things i hate

hot weather

high temperatures

heat

warmer than average conditions

[arktistic]

My depression is far too high. Plus, I feel like hitting myself again and again from meltdowns because everything feels so wrong. My desk doesn't feel comfortable and everything around me is claustrophobic and doesn't feel right, I can't concentrate or focus because of these sensory issues. Without Jigu around, everything feels... strange...

[arktistic]

Spent tonight at a local short film festival. One of the shorts was made by two 12 year olds in their backyard and it was the best short of the entire night

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you are waking now , aren’t you ? to the scent of flowers crushed softly under dew , to the breath of the wilderness curling through the trees. the sky is stretching open for you & the wind is humming your name. are you ready to sing it with them , dear one ?

︶︶︶⊹︶︶❀︶︶⊹︶︶︶

🌿 EIDERFALL HAS OFFICIALLY OPENED. 🌿

EIDERFALL is an 18+ multifandom discord roleplay , where your muse awakens in a whimsical village-town surrounding an old school. as they settle & explore this new world , a dreadful presence lurks beyond the endless forests , growing more by the day. themes inspired by daylight horror , folklore , & rpgs. violence , death , body horror , & slight gore will be present.

🍀— INVITATION HERE. — 🍀

[arktistic]

Man... I'm too tired. Grieving my baby won't ever stop, I think. It feels like the more weeks pass, the more heavy the pain gets.

The more I question life.

The more my depression grows severe again.

The more I'm mentally struggling and trying to maneuver all of this depression and wanting to give up.

I'm trying to do things, but... the depression makes everything feel stressful.

Roleplay? While fun with friends, at the same time, I'm feeling too spent out. There's a new group my friend is making that I'm helping with, but I'm considering dropping all my characters except for two at this point due to how I'm feeling.

Then there's another new group I'm planning to join, but I'll only write one character.

All because I'm... so spent.

And then, I want to catch up in Genshin and grind for Skirk, as I need roughly 6k primogems, but... I look at the small handful of quests I could do, and I feel... exhausted. Spent. "What's the point? All that grinding for what?"

Absolutely everything is met with that severe depression, that "So what? What purpose does anything have, anymore?" mentality.

Eating? Drinking? Doing anything? Laughing? Having fun?

What is any of that? Jigu's gone. He's ashes. I have the girls, but now knowing that fear of loss so painfully ingrained in my heart now... I feel so empty and full of grief.

I can't work due to my health. And it makes me feel so bloody pathetic. Because I want to be able to do something and ease stress from my mum. I hate being incapable.

Thanks to my friend, I'm going to try to get into streaming again, but... here's the thing.

That'll burn me out.

Everything burns me out. Everything.

I go in call with friends? Burnt out the next day.

I play games for hours? Burnt out from them for months.

I draw and complete a piece? Well, maybe not burnt out but I'm in a lot of physical pain.

I stream? Not only does it give me anxiety attacks and make me feel scared of switching abruptly mid-stream ( as it's happened before and changed the mood / abrupt fatigue would kick in ), but it's scary.

And in a world over-saturated with streamers and such, it's like I'm super late to the party.

But again. It was due to my health that I couldn't achieve so many things, for 12+ years. But, despite being reminded of that, it doesn't make me feel any bloody better. I still feel pathetic. I still feel awful because here I am being told by family "Get better so you can work." Like bitch you think I wouldn't love to be strong and capable? You think I enjoy being frail as a Victorian where the SLIGHTEST thing can cause me to get a migraine, dislocate a joint, pull a muscle, etc? You think I enjoy how much my mental health also affects things? You think I enjoy being lethargic and drowsy most of the times, to the point I get even too tired to eat? Hell, I can't even drink with food because even if it's a small sip of water, I get bloated and experience pain for hours, like????

This turned into a ramble more than anything but I'm so... exhausted. And I can't do much because each time I try I'm just smacking against a metaphorical wall.

With Jigu around, I felt like I could accomplish things. Now, I feel like I've lost all drive to do anything at all. Even my dreams and aspirations don't excite me much anymore.

Maybe it's my severe depression ( which, it is, I suppose ) that's causing these emotions to be so amplified, but... it's hard. Everything has gotten extremely hard.

It makes me want to sleep and see Jigu in my dreams again.

[arktistic]

guys. i really like you. it's nice to be on this dashboard together

[arktistic]

Oh, boy... Welcome to "are these pains my irregular, late moontime? Or just the stress?"

[arktistic]

I'll admit, I think I'm pretty damn bloody tired of these vets and whatever is going on in today's world.

Back in the day, back when Jigu was about 5, 6 or 7? ( My memory is not great, but I do know where we were living at the time when it happened, at least. ) He had to get a tooth repair and filling as he had broken his tooth while playing with Midnight. It was in the thousands, about 2k or so for that procedure, but, we could pay in installments as the vet who ran the place and owned it knew us, and his priority, was Jigu's health.

Fast forward to today, and everything has to go through insurance agencies that won't even accept us. Apparently, my mum doesn't 'make enough' for them to accept, and I'm on disability because I can't work due to my health. So where does that leave us? Unable to do anything for our babies, that years ago, we could.

I feel so at a loss. Kurochan has a sore tooth / cavity, and according to yesterday's consultation, she's had broken teeth that the gums have grown over. We didn't know this, because it's assumed this happened before we adopted her. For context, she was a stray. She was estimated to be about 2 years of age when we brought her home from outside. She had a huge chunk of fur missing behind her neck, and she was a scared, timid child, that latched onto me like her life depended on it. ( Aka, if I was out of sight, she'd panic and start crying. ) She's my baby. And I'm so frustrated that I can't do a damn thing to help her.

My mum is going to try to find someplace else, hoping that we can find someone good that is willing to help. But if anything, I'm just... breaking over the fact I can't help my kid. I hate feeling so powerless. Granted, thankful it's just tooth related things. We still have to get their blood tests done, so my anxiety isn't entirely quelled yet either. I really think my c-ptsd has added complexities on it now because clinics and tests now are part of a trauma for me that I never imagined could be, due to what transpired with Jigu.

We're paycheck to paycheck, so it's really not so easy. I go times without eating well, if at all, really, because of things we have to pay like unexpected bills for car things or pc fixes or now paying off the card we maxed out for helping Jigu.

Plus with my own health, the foods I can eat are pretty damn costly, especially in this economy.

I'm just. It always bloody goes back to damn money. I'm so tired.

Update: Okay I didn't know this as I had just woken up, but my mum explained that she had checked the email again after I asked her and then she realized there was a file attachment, which was the full price of things, but there was no indication in the message and she would have missed it otherwise.

[arktistic]

There is one heck of a weird, repetitive sound going on outside that I can't quite understand.

Nevermind it was my mother snoring.

[arktistic]

Petals posting gayly; I love my wife aka my girlfriend. ♥

[arktistic]

I think my copy of umineko got messed up

happy 21st anniversary dgrayman, here's some mock screenshots I made in a frantic fixation period. I have way more thoughts on how this would work but could only draw so much right now. please read dgrayman and umineko

bonus:

(campbell manor image is of wallington hall)

[arktistic]

Thinking back to how I was all flustered and fumbling over myself prior makes me smile and laugh a bit now--

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People just love to play, haven’t you heard? - Submitted by: fastman27

#7F6D9F #C29CD6 #D8B2C0 #F2CAC5 #FFE1DA

[arktistic]

Tomorrow makes it the 5th Sunday, since.

The past few days, it's been hitting especially hard, again. I've been crying each and every day, but the past few days I've been breaking down again, hard.

I miss Jigu. More than anything. If I could go back in time, I would.

But I'm aware that it was bad genetics. I'm aware that there'd be "nothing I could do" to prevent it, and that it would all only stress him out further.

My grief is extremely heavy.

I regret going to the first clinic that we did, because they were so heartless and treated him badly. My poor baby went through way too much fucking stress, he was out of sorts.

The second clinic, though... the one where we had to say goodbye to him in... they were sweethearts. It was a longer drive, but it was worth going there, instead.

I only wish we would have gone there, first. But the first place we went was closer... in fact, they're right next to my mother's workplace.

She has to drive by that place every single goddamn day. I feel terrible for her.

I miss him. With all my heart. I want so badly to have him meow at me. To boop my glasses off. To sneeze on my drawing tablet. To step all over my keyboards. To loaf on my art. To wake me up. To howl at me to get my tea.

I miss my baby.

I miss my Jigu.

It's harder than ever, to think that I'll grow older. To think that I'll keep living in this world. It's genuinely hard to imagine being alive in another ten years or so, because he's not around.

But I have to keep living.

I have to keep walking.

For Jigu's sake.

For my little baba.

[arktistic]

Happy 21st Anniversary D.Gray-Man!

Here is a project made by fans for the 21th anniversary of D.Gray-Man. It is viewable for free and can't be downloaded and sold in any way. 68 contributors participate in this project, resulting in 57 illustrations of Iconic Moments and 60 chronological doodles of little moments.

This fanbook has no affiliation with the official DGM in any way. The contributors claim no ownership or right to the DGM work, which is the sole property of Katsura Hoshino and Shūeisha. Each artist is the owner of and responsible for their art. Reposting any of the artwork is strictly forbidden without direct permission from the artist who made it.

We hope that our work will prompt new and old readers to take interest into D.Gray-Man. Please buy the manga to support the author!

The Zine

And the password to see it : IconicMomentsFanProject!

You can put it in full mode in the top right corner, the four squares there are also a table of content.

This project is our way to celebrate this manga we love and we hope you readers will enjoy our art as much as we loved making it!

[arktistic]

we used to turn the tv on and just watch whatever was on there