arsenalofthoughts

[arsenalofthoughts]

Goodbye for now, my love

Thank you for loving me for the past three years.

For allowing me and Ponyo to share our lives with you.

For accepting me and choosing me.

For taking care of me when I couldn’t walk.

For always being my cheerleader when things were tough.

For being my nurse when I got sick (which we both know was a lot).

For being the best 2nd mom to Ponyo.

For introducing me to new beautiful places.

For showing me how big the world is and to never stop dreaming.

For all the late night food runs.

For the loud laughters and cries.

For the cute never-ending banters.

For showing me how genuinely happy I can be with another person.

For allowing me the chance to love you, care for you, and be a part of your life.

I can never put into words how much I love you and cherish you.

It’s beyond the English language.

You are a special woman that deserves everything beautiful this universe has to offer.

I pray you receive it and much more.

If I could redo even just the last 6 months of us together,

I would’ve held you tighter and longer.

I would’ve kissed you and hugged you more.

I would’ve talked to you till you drifted off to sleep every night.

I would’ve finished that movie you wanted to watch.

I would’ve just taken off work to make that trip we wanted to go on.

I would’ve pushed us to take the Amtrak to a random city for you to do street photography.

I would’ve been more patient and understanding.

I would’ve been gentler and kinder.

I would’ve cooked your favorite meals one last time.

I would’ve played NeoPets with you as much as I could.

I would’ve given you all the cool items that I have sitting in my gallery.

I would’ve taken more photos of you and us together.

I would’ve woke up earlier every day just to spend more time awake with you.

I would’ve cuddled you more.

I would’ve gotten you flowers every day — your favorite sunflowers and tulips.

I would’ve gone with you to Ross and Marshall’s every day.

I would’ve watched you take care of your plants and listened to you ramble about each one.

I would’ve paid more attention when you’d point out new leaves coming in.

I would’ve been a better partner if I knew we were ending.

I got too caught up in the stress of life and us.

I was so consumed by everything that I couldn’t give you anymore.

I had nothing left inside me.

And I’m sure you feel the same way too.

I’m sure you have the same thoughts of “I would’ve”s.

Nonetheless, thank you for everything.

Thank you for being you.

You are the best part of me.

You are the love of my life and will always be the one I think about when I hear love songs.

You will always hold a piece of my heart.

Right now, it feels like you have the whole thing.

And I’m not sure when it’ll finally feel like the piece part — but I don’t mind if you continue to hold it.

I hope the universe is kind enough to bring us back together when it’s time.

So I can turn the “I would’ve”s into “I did”.

I hope you continue to heal each of the wounds on your heart and soul.

I hope the weight on your shoulders feels lighter.

I hope you continue to take pictures and fall in love with your craft again.

I hope you take care of yourself and not work too hard.

I know how you lose yourself sometimes.

I hope you continue to love yourself more and more.

Maybe one day you’ll be able to see yourself in the golden hour light that I see you in.

I hope you’re happy — not content, but genuinely happy.

With yourself, your life, and in everything you do and are.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

Was for you to be so so so damn happy.

You deserve it.

I could cry just thinking about how much pain and suffering you’ve gone through in your life so far.

The least that God and this universe can do is allow you to be happy.

And if that means I can’t be with you ever again, I’ll accept that.

Because I would never want to compromise your happiness.

And if I’m not the one for you,

I hope the next person gives you everything you need and want to be happy.

Everything I couldn’t give you.

I love you so so so much.

I love you endlessly.

I love you.

As long as I am on this earth, just remember that you are so loved.

So unconditionally loved and cherished.

And I will miss you so damn much.

I already do.

Everything you do, all of you, every inch of you, everything you say — I miss it all.

I hope I get the chance to love you again.

We’ll get it right next time.

And if not in this life, we’ll get it in the next life.

Thank you again for everything.

Thank you for being unapologetically you.

I love you endlessly.

Goodbye for now, my love.

[arsenalofthoughts]

Skewed

My perception of love is so distorted

I’ve come to the realization that I can’t possibly be in a position to ever be in love again

Either I love too much too fast

Or

I love too little too much

I’m so desperate to receive love from someone who is in a position to love me without utterly destroying me in the process

And the ones who do love me id rather keep on the back burner until I can get the love from the one person who also rips me to shreds

I am not cut out to be a the lover girl I so desperately have clung to be

I think back to when I was young and I could care less about peoples feelings

I had so many people giving me love and I took it all

I selfishly consumed each one

Sometimes multiple people at a time

Is this karma?

[arsenalofthoughts]

Love

I’ve experienced two loves in my life so far

The first one felt exciting and thrilling

Every first was like electricity and fireworks

The unknown wasn’t scary. We feared nothing

Suddenly all the love songs and romance movies made sense. They weren’t exaggerating because it did feel that way

Everything I said and did was purely through emotions

We didn’t second guess. There was this blind belief in everything we both said and did

The only problem? It’s the first and the unknown eventually does become scary

We both didn’t understand and know love quite yet since it’s the first

We accept what is given and call it love

Maybe because in the moment, it felt good

And when it wasn’t good, we scrambled to find a band aid to quickly stop the bleeding

But band aids can’t stop the bleeding completely. It doesn’t just heal large wounds

We never knew we had to stop. Inspect the wounds, clean them, put antibiotic ointment on them, and dress them. And repeat until it’s fully healed

And so eventually, the bleeding seeps through the band aid and it falls off

Bleeding continued until both of us are left sitting in the pool of blood

One of us was the first to get up and leave

But the both of us shared the pain and scars of that love

Maybe one felt more pain than the other. Or will carry the pain better than the other

But we will both carry that through our next journeys of love

The second love consumed all of me

This love felt intentional and filled every corner of my heart and soul

It enveloped me into this blanket of vast openness of the unknown

Although it gave me a joy that I never have felt before I was filled with so much anxiety

The happiness would levitate me into a world so beautiful that the garden of Eden would pale in comparison

Just as quickly that the euphoria came is as quickly as the destruction came

I would drop so madly to the hard and rigid ground that laid below that world of wonders

Down below that world was another world. This one filled with nothing but that hard ground and darkness

I laid there with nothing but the clothes on my back and the racing thoughts in my mind

Being able to see nothing made my thoughts sound like they were screaming at me

When I feel that I’ve become one with the darkness I suddenly start to levitate back into the warm and gentle light

I rush to the luscious trees full of fruit and hastily eat through the sweet flesh of each one

I lay in the field full of sunflowers and tulips basking in the warm sunlight that I missed so desperately

I carefully remove my clothes and step into the ocean that glistened like diamonds in the beaming sunlight

The water is cool against my skin. I can feel the dark thoughts slowly leaving with the tides

I step out and lay on the sand. Savoring this relief and peace before the inevitable

The fall back into the darkness. I never know when it comes. The only thing I know is that it comes and comes

I became almost addicted to this cycle. After each time I came back It made the fruit taste sweeter. The sun felt warmer. The water felt crisper. The sand felt softer

But eventually , after time, the fruit lost its taste. Even the abundance of them went away. The flowers have withered and died. The ocean water became sludge like a swamp. The sand littered with broken glass and garbage. The sun even went away

Suddenly the world and the darkness started to merge into one

It was just me and my thoughts. They were screaming at me. Begging to leave this cycle. So I did

There wasn’t any band aids this time. Our bodies had already started to merge together. This time I had to cut myself out from this love

The bleeding was so immense. The blood spills out from the unevenly cut skin. Some of the cells mine, some of it theirs

It still continues to bleed even as I write this

Could love be this painful always?

It can’t be

There’s another love I’ve experienced

The love when my mother dropped everything to fly across the country when she heard I was admitted to the hospital. She took the first flight to me

The love when my father continued to open the door to our family home after leaving it constantly against his wishes

The love when my older brother constantly will text me just to see how I’m doing when we all know he’s the worst texter

The love when my older sister spoke up for me even when her eyes were full of tears and her voice quivered in fear and anger

The love when my little brother would put up with all my shenanigans even though it caused more inconveniences in his already busy day

The love when my youngest brother would make me salmon onigiri because I was too sick to get out of bed

The love when my cousin would drive to my home to just sit with me when I couldn’t talk and I could only cry and drink

There were never any conditions. Anything needed in return. I just existed and they would come to me. Even if I didn’t let them in, they would set their gifts and love outside the door for when I was ready to come out

That’s the only love I can believe exists out beyond these walls

The one that nourishes me when I can’t get up

The one that sits with me and communicates with my silence

The one that welcomes me back with open arms no matter how much time passes

The one that will drop anything and everything to be next to me in my time of need

The one that unconditionally and unapologetically loves me for me

The one that believes in me and protects me

Doesn’t try to change me but patiently stands next to me as I grow into the woman I’m meant to be

Because of them I realized that they’ve taught me what love is all of my life

It took love to be so violent and destructive to realize that I kept searching for something I already knew

[arsenalofthoughts]

Silence

There was rarely a silence between us like that night

Maybe it was because of the distance

Maybe it was because of the phone

The one thin string holding our connection from here to there

Maybe it was the relief of someone finally bringing it up

Maybe it was the waiting for the “gotcha” moment

It never came though

We both knew

Both us in that moment knew that this was it

We said the I love yous. The thank yous. The everythings

But in that silence is where the love laid

That’s where I heard you. Where I saw you. Where I met you

I don’t know if you knew but that’s where I heard your most vulnerable and raw feelings for me

For us

I heard your wailing. Deep from your chest. Your screams while tightly gripping your chest

Your grief clinging to me. I felt the weight of it almost pulling me down deeper

Your tears slipping off your face and onto my collarbone as you bury yourself in my arms for the last time

The sweet I love yous and I’ll miss you in between the kisses and the hiccuping as you sob back into my chest

Your hands tenderly touching my face. Almost hesitantly

Touching each imperfection on my skin. Outlining each small crease of my face. Trying to memorize each and every detail

Hugging me so tightly. Hoping that maybe. Just maybe if you hug me tight enough, we can merge ourselves into one

That way we wouldn’t have to part

We’d be forced to be together always. We’d have to learn how to love one another properly whether we’d like it or not. We’d have all the time in the world. No distractions, no running away or excuses because we are one

We’d know everything about each other. Everything that we had previously tried to hide would be exposed because we are one. We’d learn to love the things that once aggravated one another. We’d finally watch the movies the other loved, but we put off because life got the best of us. We’d finally make it to that new Vietnamese restaurant that opened up in Anaheim that we never got to go to because work got hectic. We’d finally get to go on the vacations we planned in our minds. We’d finally finish that game of Scrabble that we had to stop in the middle of. We’d finally get to go to the museum we kept promising to go to. We’d finally get to do street photography in LA like we always tried to plan. We’d go on the Amtrak and randomly choose a destination with just one duffle bag each. We’d make the trip to Seattle like we imagined. We would have loved better and been better. Communicated better. Loved more gently. Loved more kindly. More patiently. We would’ve done the things we should’ve, could’ve just to not have experienced this silence

But that’s not how life works. It’s not how love works. We can’t be one. You are you. I am me. We are two people who love another. But could not love each other the way we needed to be loved. We can’t force love to work the way we want. It is free flowing. We can’t force the direction. We can only appreciate it in its true form and bask in its warm elixir as it washes over us

Don’t cry my love. Love is still love. Even if we couldn’t love in the way we both needed. Love is sweet, bittersweet at times but nonetheless sweet. And we still loved each other immensely. Deeply. Unapologetically. And it was in that silence I was able to understand just how much of it existed within ourselves not only each other but for ourselves as well

I do not know where we’ll go from here. Where we may transcend in the future

But in another life, we are still in your bed watching Her

The pink curtains are drawn and the sunlight is flooding the room

The freshly washed and dried comforter is still warm to the touch

Your legs are hanging over mine. Your soft skin is cool to the touch as the light breeze is flowing in from the window

You in your pink Winnie the Pooh shirt

Me in my black Naruto shirt

Ponyo is sleeping soundly on the edge of the bed

Our cool drinks are leaving a small ring of condensation on the night stands

You’re staring intently on the screen ensuring you don’t miss a second of the movie, your favorite one of course

And I’m looking right at you. Smiling before placing a soft kiss on your cheek. A quiet “I love you” so I don’t disturb you

They are the us that will never experience the silence. The us who did the would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve. The us that will forever be proof that love is beyond just filling up a singular heart or even just a box. It expands as you continue to love more and more. It continues to evolve and take form

And if one day in the future you hear the silence ringing in your ears again and your heart doesn’t cry but sings instead. When you find yourself between the us of right now and the us that’s still in your bedroom still washed over in the golden hour on your bed, come find me and maybe our love will surpass the us in every lifetime so far

[arsenalofthoughts]

Overlap

I can hear you laughing. So vividly. Almost as if you’re right next to me. Your nose is scrunched up the same way I remembered it. I always thought that was so cute

I can see your smile. Bright and beaming. It’s engrained in my brain. I bet you’re hunched over trying to catch your breath from laughing so hard

I can hear you saying “ I love you so much baby”, “I’ll always love you. Forever.”, “you’re my home”, “you’re my person, my soulmate”, “I could never love another”, “I miss you with all my heart”. It’s like on loop in my brain.

But in between the sweet whispers and sunset kissed images, I hear the sharp words that continue to cut me so deep. It feels like I’m bleeding all over again.

I can see how wild your eyes look. Every ounce of who I thought you were, vanished in a split moment. Complete nothingness behind those cold eyes that once were filled with delight.

I can see the disgust and disdain on your face. And you’re looking straight at me. Was I that horrible? Did I deserve this? I crumble again. Like rubble in a demolition site that no one ever plans to build on top of.

I can hear the incessant screaming. I remember how it would bounce off the walls. Almost as if the walls agreed with you. The embarrassment of knowing that everyone around us could only hear you. They’d probably share the same opinion as you.

I can see the dent and holes in the walls from you throwing that custom photo frame of us that I got you for our anniversary.

I can see my school books torn and thrown down the staircase along with ponyo’s things. I remember picking up each piece of paper one by one. Thinking what I could’ve done to have deserve this

This endless loop of you. I loved every face of you. I accepted each part of you. I kissed each one of your scars. I let you bleed all over me even thought not one of those wounds were from me. I let you stab me over and over again. And I still comforted you in the end. I held your hand as you healed and grew at my expense. In the end, I became ashes after burning myself to keep you warm. And all you could complain about was the mess it made.

I wish I could say that we ended because I found my peace more important. But it was still about you. Always about you. I let you go so you could continue to heal and grow. I couldn’t keep you stagnant with me like how we were. So I let you go. I put myself on the back burner because I wanted you to be happy. Are you happy? Do you feel more at peace?

[arsenalofthoughts]

Grey

I think very deeply about everything and anything. I was taught there was right and wrong. Black and white. But the older I became, the more I focused on the in-between. The grey. Can things be wholly correct and completely wrong? Which perspective is the lens that all should be looking through? How can we base our actions on what we think is right when it could be wrong? The more I became engrossed in this ordeal, the more silent I became when my voice was needed. The fewer words I was able to gather when someone truly needed it. I’m stuck in the in-between. I’m stuck in the grey.