artificiallyflavoredredhead - Tumblr blog

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

hello friends and welcome back to the shitshow. maybe i should write a book. wouldnt that be fun. so random strangers can read all about my existential suffering and dread.

todays topic is- scattered. 

first- the psychiatrist

today i saw a psychiatrist. they changed my anti-psycotics to a stronger one and upped my anxiety meds.

second- pobby

dearest pobby, please talk directly to me instead of everyone around me. it is quite annoying to confess my love for you and then have you talk about me to everyone but me. also the screenshotting. maybe keep one thing a secret. it was kind of personal. especially the part about pie. but for real. please give me your thoughts. also, if its the same as what kate told me, i respect your decision. (do i really alexis? no.) but just so you know im not going to wait for you. im not going to stick around to something that doesnt want me. so if you were expecting me to be there when youre ready, i wont. im sorry but thats what i need to do for myself. guess im too promiscuous.

sincerely, alexis.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

FUCK YOU.

i swear to god. you pretend to understand and then you go do shit like this. this is the second time in 2 days. i already told you it pisses me off. so why do it? why? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i know you know things. im sick of you.

did you hear that? im SICK OF YOU AND YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOR.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

ahahahaha. i need to stop

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

what an attention whore

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

why is it that i have to crave death the way some people crave living life to the fullest? i yearn for the sweet summer kiss that can take all of this away instead of something else. why is my greatest wish nothing?

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

maybe if i write about ill feel better. guess i have to spell it out for myself. i want to kill myself again.

DID YOU HEAR THAT??????????????

 I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i cant and thats the part that gets to me the most

maybe i can and im just to pussy to do it. ive wanted to die for so long. at one point i wish i wouldve just done it. but no now i just have to sit in this until it gets to that point again.

i should just do it now.

spare myself the wait.

i dont give a fuck about anything anymore. 

yeah i have friends but they have other people. fuck it.

im probably not even the first person that had a tumblr leading up to their suicide. thats what i made this for in the first place. something the universe would have of me before i go. a secret between me and the vast interwebs. the last words that no one will ever read. how romantic is that.

maybe one day someone will read this and mourn an internet stranger they never met. maybe someone will feel hurt for me the way i feel hurt for myself. if thats you, if you never knew me, then i want to say that im okay. its okay. you’ll know if im gone, but its okay. everything is okay. i think those words are more for me than anyone else if im being honest. to know that after im gone, the world will keep going. the living will keep living and the dying will keep dying. i wonder what i would be classified as right now. i guess you could say that everyone is dying. 

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

i dont expect you to forgive for what im about to do. i dont forgive myself either

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

why are the things that i want so hard to achieve. i wanted a person to live for. to know that someone can actually like me. to be worth something to someone. i feel like everyone else is just forced to stick with me. i wanted to know that there was something about me that kept people coming back. but there isnt.

im not special.

i mean nothing.

i am so insignificant.

im not suprised. why did i think that i could actually do this. why did i think that someone would actually be interested in me. i hate myself for a reason. i hate myself because im so hateable.

I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I DESERVE TO BE HATED.

i just want an end. i want something where i have no responsibility. something to where i know that i will never have to care again.

i wish i wouldve killed myself when i had the balls.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

i dont know why, but im starting to feel like shit again. maybe its normal. but now i feel like i have to be strong. because there are people depending on me. it feels like i have to pretend that im fine and that is so much stress. i just want to be able to deal with it. or at least let myself actually feel it. but instead i have to push it away so i can be there for my friend. i know if i push it away long enough its only going to get worse. maybe im not just pushing it away for my friend, but also because im scared. im not supposed to feel like this.

i thought that i was cured.

thing is, i never found a will to live.

im just living because they told me to. how am i supposed to convince someone to stay alive when i dont even know why im staying alive?

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

soooo i was talking to a hot emo boy and it didnt work out. im so sad. i told him all about my daddy issues too... maybe that wasnt such a great idea.

i was only annoying because he was being boring and it was hard to make conversation.

i mean still.

maybe i shouldnt have been like that but i was excited!!!!!!!!! its okay i guess.

kinda just ranting about it here so i dont go on and on about it later.

im sad. its okay. itll be okay. FUCK HIM YOU DONT NEED HIM

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

im so sorry that my love hurts. im so sorry that im sick too. and im so sorry that i cant help you.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

i fucking hate you and everything youve done

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

today im going to see my dad for the first time in over 3 years. 4 years actually. im not sure how i should feel about this. it hurts thinking about him. it hurts thinking about how he only wanted to get back in touch because my mom filed for child support. like hes only spending time with me to “get his moneys worth”. he cant pretend i just dont exist anymore.

i want to be hopeful but i dont want to hurt myself. im expecting lectures and looks and harsh words spat at me. i dont want this to be it. i want something different than last time. i know that ive changed. hell, if i hadnt changed, who knows where id be right now. ive changed so much since ive last seen my dad. the fact that ive been able to change gives me hope that maybe hes been able to change to. but i think that we both have the same feelings we’ve always had. ive always loved my dad and hes always seen me as a burden, a waste of time. he even said so himself the last time i saw him. 

that hurt.

everything that comes with him hurts. so im having a debate in my head about whether or not its a good idea to let him back into my life again. i would love to have my dad be an active part of my life, to have my father. but i dont want him if his love means i have to hurt. i shouldnt have to make sacrifices on my behalf to accept someones love. love shouldnt make you swallow your words and hold back your tears. thats not love. thats just one sided. our relationship has always been one sided i guess. hes never loved me the way i love him. 

the way i see it, he sees me as replaceable. thats why he can have a whole other family and not feel bad. because i was never a permanent fixture to him. 

i dont know. i should go in expecting the worst while hoping for anything better. only thing is, im too afraid to hope. im too afraid to do anything that might make me think things are going to get better, because deep down i know they probably wont. why would it take him so long to see me if that was the case? he hasnt changed a bit and ive changed all too much.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

pretty little thing with a perfect little life

she doesnt know what shes doing

when she picks up that knife

been through so much

been around for so little

the solid blade finally finds something to touch

she knows theres no going back

it cuts, the pain becoming tangible

and everything goes black

is this enough angsty poetry or do i need to actually spell it out for you

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

my little secret-

i still see no point to living.

ive been hospitalized twice for SI, and i guess that has gone away. but i still dont see myself having a future.  i lie to everyone, including myself. saying that i feel good. i feel numb. the meds fill the void. but theyre not giving me a will to live. theyre just hiding the reasons why i want to die.

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

id miss you to much to go but im too sick to stay

[artificiallyflavoredredhead]

i know you’ll never see this. kinda the point. you wouldn’t even care anyways. i have to suffer the consequences of your actions, while you walk away without a scratch. hell, you’re doing better than ever. where am i? a fucking terrible place. how can you be so fucking horrible and still get everything? yes, it happened years ago. but you still terrify me. i feel bad for you, in a way. i know you cant live with yourself. takes one to know one, i guess. you can front however you want. doesnt change the fact that you arent really happy.

guess we have that in common.

you have a knack for sucking the life out of shit.