artistic-rebel22 - Tumblr blog

[artistic-rebel22]

Photo by Thought Catalog

[artistic-rebel22]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[artistic-rebel22]

Part two-

n the end this is stupid and I’m probably just “over reacting” or “looking for attention” or “being a baby” and “oh I’m fine” but at the end of the day those words are so damaging and I only think that because it’s been engrained in my mind to think that way. Sometimes I really dont know who I am and I don’t know if I like myself. I don’t know how to know. I feel like I should speak to someone. Maybe a professional would help me. Maybe it would help. I want to show this letter to someone, maybe they could understand how I feel. I never tell anyone how I feel. I stopped doing that Because I felt like other peoples problems were worse and I could never seem to tell people my problems at the right times. People would get mad at me because they had other things they were going through so I just stopped. For now, it’s 5:02 at night and I can’t sleep, this is how I’m coping instead of breaking down when nobody is awake to calm me down. I dont know what this is but it helped. Maybe I can read it when k feel this way again or maybe if I ever decide to speak to someone, I can show them or read them this and it can help. I never find the words to say out loud.

I wrote this on my notes on my phone and I wanted to share it somewhere. At least on tumblr I can feel like I’ve told someone and someone is listening

-

Sometimes I lay and wonder if I deserve love. I have this overwhelming feeling that there are too many things wrong with me. I feel like I’m too broken, too complicated, to moody, to hard to please. I wake up everyday and I feel like my entire purpose is to please others. I’ve felt this way every since I was a kid. Maybe it was not fitting in, maybe it is the trauma I have from a child. I feel like every move, every breath, every word I say is wrong even when I know I’m 100% right. I fear that if I speak up for myself to many times I will upset people too much and they will leave me. I would rather feel empty and unheard then empty and alone. I struggle finding the right thing to do. I feel like somethings wrong with me, like there is something missing that would help me connect the dots. I think having something wrong me would help me feel better about what I need to work on though. I feel like I have to work on so much of myself that it’s exhausting. Deep down I know I have always needed help with communicating with others in a healthy way. It’s so hard to communicate healthily when all you know is narcissism and hatefulness. I remember being such an angry child. I was never helped when I had big feelings. I was either being a baby or I was being rude. I remember having to “flush the devil down the toilet” as my grandma would say. I would have outbursts and be mean to the point I didn’t recognize myself. I remember being at my moms and her asking me if I needed therapy and saying I didn’t think so. I know my mom blames herself for me and my sisters but really at the end of the day I have always felt like a small amount of my problems exist Because if her. I remember her saying “ heylee baby do you think that talking to someone would help you?” And I remember the overwhelming feeling that everyone thought I was depressed and not okay, even at the age of 9. I remember my sisters saying they thought I’d turn out super emo and wear black and be one of those people and I never understood why until I got older. They were COMPLETELY wrong. But I digress. My mom leaving, That shit hurt but nothing like the pain I felt being with my father. Growing older and being in education I’ve learned that this was somewhat developmentally appropriate for my trauma but I can’t help but wonder why people stopped asking if I was okay. Did I just start to act “normal” was I masking? Being unable to control my emotions was my first nature to immediately react in situations that upset me and it’s hard t for me to control my feelings once they are built up. As an adult I feel so numb and neglected by those around me. I want to be perceived as kind so badly because I feel as if I am not. I feel like maybe I’m autistic or there is something making this harder for me. I constantly feel as if people around me are mad at me or upset. Maybe they are. I’m not quite sure. All I know is that i feel like anymore I am not worthy of love. I feel like there are too many things people would change about me and my personality. What if the reason I have been cheated on is because I’m not desirable and it’s hard to be with me and people feel like they have no good way to leave. What if I push people out of love with me? Am I awful? How do people perceive me? How does My bf perceive me? Do I only care because all I have every wanted to do was please those around me? Is that why I don’t feel good enough? God it hurts. Why must I feel validation from those around me to feel good? The worry and the pain is enough to make me lay down and never get back up. I didn’t used to feel this way. Have I lost my sparkle? Is that why I’m so different? How am I different then I used to be? Is it a bad different? These questions race my mind constantly and I don’t know how to get them to leave. My mind is so loud and nobody knows. I feel like at my core I am seriously displeased with myself and I have no idea how to fix that. I have no idea if I need fixing.

[artistic-rebel22]

I wrote this on my notes on my phone and I wanted to share it somewhere. At least on tumblr I can feel like I’ve told someone and someone is listening

-

Sometimes I lay and wonder if I deserve love. I have this overwhelming feeling that there are too many things wrong with me. I feel like I’m too broken, too complicated, too moody, too hard to please. I wake up everyday and I feel like my entire purpose is to please others. I’ve felt this way every since I was a kid. Maybe it was not fitting in, maybe it is the trauma I have from a child. I feel like every move, every breath, every word I say is wrong even when I know I’m 100% right. I fear that if I speak up for myself to many times I will upset people too much and they will leave me. I would rather feel empty and unheard then empty and alone. I struggle finding the right thing to do. I feel like somethings wrong with me, like there is something missing that would help me connect the dots. I think having something wrong me would help me feel better about what I need to work on though. I feel like I have to work on so much of myself that it’s exhausting. Deep down I know I have always needed help with communicating with others in a healthy way. It’s so hard to communicate healthily when all you know is narcissism and hatefulness. I remember being such an angry child. I was never helped when I had big feelings. I was either being a baby or I was being rude. I remember having to “flush the devil down the toilet” as my grandma would say. I would have outbursts and be mean to the point I didn’t recognize myself. I remember being at my moms and her asking me if I needed therapy and saying I didn’t think so. I know my mom blames herself for me and my sisters but really at the end of the day I have always felt like a small amount of my problems exist Because if her. I remember her saying “ baby do you think that talking to someone would help you?” And I remember the overwhelming feeling that everyone thought I was depressed and not okay, even at the age of 9. I remember my sisters saying they thought I’d turn out super emo and wear black and be one of those people and I never understood why until I got older. They were COMPLETELY wrong. But I digress. My mom leaving, That shit hurt but nothing like the pain I felt being with my father. Growing older and being in education I’ve learned that this was somewhat developmentally appropriate for my trauma but I can’t help but wonder why people stopped asking if I was okay. Did I just start to act “normal” was I masking? Being unable to control my emotions was my first nature to immediately react in situations that upset me and it’s hard for me to control my feelings once they are built up. As an adult I feel so numb and neglected by those around me. I want to be perceived as kind so badly because I feel as if I am not. I constantly feel as if people around me are mad at me or upset. Maybe they are. I’m not quite sure. All I know is that i feel like anymore I am not worthy of love. I feel like there are too many things people would change about me and my personality. What if the reason I have been cheated on is because I’m not desirable and it’s hard to be with me and people feel like they have no good way to leave. What if I push people out of love with me? Am I awful? How do people perceive me? How does My bf perceive me? Do I only care because all I have every wanted to do was please those around me? Is that why I don’t feel good enough? God it hurts. Why must I feel validation from those around me to feel good? The worry and the pain is enough to make me lay down and never get back up. I didn’t used to feel this way. Have I lost my sparkle? Is that why I’m so different? How am I different then I used to be? Is it a bad different? These questions race my mind constantly and I don’t know how to get them to leave. My mind is so loud and nobody knows. I feel like at my core I am seriously displeased with myself and I have no idea how to fix that. I have no idea if I need fixing.

[artistic-rebel22]

I feel like maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved. Maybe I am too hard to love and that’s why people leave. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but it’s hard. It’s so god damn hard.

[artistic-rebel22]

It’s crazy that you turned out to be an even worse person than I thought you were

[artistic-rebel22]

Breath shakey like a whirlwind,

Like the first I’ve ever taken,

it’s staggers cause I’m nervous,

but it’s the good kind of pain.

——

Idk what this is but I liked how I wrote it

[artistic-rebel22]

Do you remember how in love with me you were?

[artistic-rebel22]

I feel ignored and invisible

[artistic-rebel22]

To my inner child:

I promise I am trying my best to heal

from everything that hurt you.

I promise I am trying to become

the person you need me to be

so we can both be whole.

[artistic-rebel22]

My heart is too big for the people around me

[artistic-rebel22]

I just want to know that you’re okay

[artistic-rebel22]

“But if you wanna talk about the things you did

Well, I'll be here and I can handle it

So come back strong or not at all

It's up to you to fix your faults”

[artistic-rebel22]

2:36 thoughts

You would think after 6 plus years of using tumblr as my anonymous diary I would eventually move on, but with feelings crash onto you like waves against the shore, what are you to do?

[artistic-rebel22]

Excerpts from a book will never write

As I sat there on the bathroom floor, crying like it was the end of the world, I wondered why I was wasn’t enough for you. I wondered why everything bad seemed to happen to dispute the love I gave everyone else. I knew I wasn’t perfect but you can never be perfect for those who run after other people. I had always wondered what severe heart break was like and after what you did to me i wouldn’t wish the 3am crying spells, the seemly never ending depression, or the dry throat I got by crying and heaving so much I made myself sick. Life is hard enough before all the stress of relationships and heartbreak. Being said I have grown into an amazing women who is capable of getting over the wrong doings others have done to me. The pain and the feelings are gone but sometimes the overwhelming sense of uncertainty on if my current bf still loves me and if I’ll ever be good enough for anyone arise like a storm creeping up on a town full of unsuspecting people. It’s because of you I doubt my self worth. It’s because of you I still lay in bed at night wondering if I was wrong to be anxious about a coworker talking to my love. I will forever be impacted by what you did to me and I don’t know if I will ever heal.

[artistic-rebel22]

But God, you couldn't have cared less

About someone who loved you more

I'd say you broke my heart

But you broke much more than that