artrat-43

[artrat-43]

And I've never felt this hollow before

Heavy chest and wet eyes

A burning pile, a bunch of lies

I feel it in my bones, this sore

I crave for that electric touch

Teach me how to love

How to feel and how to be

I miss that feeling so much

[artrat-43]

I want a perfect body

And a matching soul

I want to corrupt purity

Get dirty

Get bloody

I want to feel it in my stomach

Fighting to get out and still push it down

I want to feel it in my skin

Crawling patiently and somehow let it out

I want that sweet sensation of desire

Blurring my vision and rushing my blood

I want to feel you on the insides

I want it all

Oh to feel your heart pounding in between my fingers

A shiver down my spine as you gaze upon me

To see the the many shades your skins goes thought as I go by it

Nothing gets me higher than the moment

The split second I realise the subtext

How my mind is pushed aside

And the sins of the flesh overtake sanity

[artrat-43]

Very happy, very glad, very amused

Not satisfied

[artrat-43]

At least half of all relationships happen inside my head

[artrat-43]

How to not ache

When you are the peak of my desire

The center of all my thoughts

The muse for all my creations.

To the star of all my fantasies,

Sometimes I wonder if only in my mind you reside

If as if by miracle I conjured myself

How your existence fits so well in mine

I do not consider myself as mundane

As one rulled by belief

But it takes tremendous effort to pretend

This temptation you cause could ever have an unfatefull nature

[artrat-43]

"You've done so much with so little, so much for someone so young, accomplished so much.. trully amazing.

Not enough tho."

[artrat-43]

He's such a good person

So smart also

Makes me want to get better

He doesn't know

Just how precious he is

Makes me want to be better

To be there

Catch him if he ever falls

[artrat-43]

The burden of the golden

Forever damp in praise

Spellbound

Never sure

Wicked enchantress

Charm and gaze

I want blood and guts

I want it all

[artrat-43]

"Your family is made of people who love you but are unable to give you the support that you need"

[artrat-43]

Sometimes I go by Lucia, mostly when I'm feeling some sides of me that don't come off all the time, I guess it's a gender fluid thing.

My mom doesn't know about my gender situation. I don't mind, I know she'd be ok with it but she doesn't really understand and I am okay with my mom not understanding an aspect of my personality. I get gender euphoria sometimes when being perceived, gender is very much a performance for me.

Over the years, me and my mom have come a long way in our relationship, she often stayed awake later to speak to me due to the time zones, and she usually abbreviates the "I love you", at first it was "love you" and then "luv u" it stayed at the last one for the past years. Today the said "LU". Just a simple thing, completely unrelated. But I felt it so deep, I was having a Lucia moment and Lu just sank in me. She doesn't know of course but I mean, Lucia is also my way of reminding me that I love myself. In the end it doesn't matter, it's all the same.

[artrat-43]

I've cried so much

.

I've pressed my face against my knees like how I did as a kid

I've almost called my mom like how I did as a teenager

I felt alone and hopeless, I've regretted leaving like how I did my entire life

.

The eyeliner mark that my face left on my knees kinda look like a smiling face

.

I guess life is funny

[artrat-43]

I feel like I'm twelve again

Or worse, seven

In moments like this that I realise just how alone I am

[artrat-43]

я не думаю, что это справедливо

все, что я хочу, это любить тебя

люблю тебя

любить на самом деле означает страдать

[artrat-43]

Today the moon was beautiful

And it make me think of you

.

I thought

.

Maybe you looked up at her today and thought of me

.

She really is the celestial of lovers

.

If all men died at forty-five

Save poets and musicians

.

And only lovers were left alive

To throng their exhibitions

.

I think the moon would be ok with it

And my heart would rest in peace

.

And I would lay on your patient body as if the night was endless

.

In eternal bliss

.

And under the moon's shelter we would be one

[artrat-43]

De todas as coisas que me dão medo

Aflição, nervoso.

Ficar longe de você é com certeza

A que mais me preocupa

[artrat-43]

I guess, I hadn't really realized that grief never really leaves.

The last time I was overwhelmed by this loss, I was almost relieved that they now belonged only in me, they didn't depend on something so fragile as life to be here, it was up to me to carry their memories and stories but now, now I don't want to

I didn't want to deal with her in life, I had gotten used to the fights and the bad moments, our relationship needed the altercation to be alive and now, now it's only up to me to keep it alive and I didn't even want to do it in life, much less in death.

Not to be bitter for the rest of my life, I did love her and death seems like the less possible thing to happen but the again, death happened, faster and more abrupt than anyone could have imagined and now, I have no choice but to keep her alive in me. The last thing I wanted was to give her space and now it doesn't seem fair to keep her out. Out of me. Underneath the years of bad or weird moments all I can remember is how much I loved her, and all those warm and nice childhood memories.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to have this feeling with me for the rest of my life, maybe it's just the beginning, I guess I still have a long path in understanding what losing her meant to me

[artrat-43]

Please, when I tell you from the bottom of my heart that I like you, do not mistake that for a I don't love you. It's just that there's this scene in a movie I watched many years ago, it scared me for life because it made perfect sense. The girl says "I love you Dexter, so much. I just don't like you anymore". I to have loved and disliked at the same time, it's quite a strange feeling that I intend not to feel again.

Love is involuntary, we have no agency over who we love, your soul is just tied to that person no matter how bad it may be, we sometimes love people who only bring suffering, but liking someone ... That fuels passion, that keeps lit the fire of life, every time I realize I like you is an immense joy to me, because liking keeps love alive and only love feels like duty.