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The loud chatter grows
Louder and Louder
And the feeling of being alone
Grow with it
No one noticed the girl in the theater
Crying in the theater
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I wanna stop having conversations with myself that end with me feeling like I lost a whole war. I feel physically in pain. I feel tired.
Being open and social with people is seen to be a good thing but how come when others do it like me, it only leads to pain? Communication is overwhelming, and I just don't like it. I'm too weak for this. I keep trying to fill shoes I can't fill for the sake of other people and I keep feeling that I'll never find shoes that will fit for me. Life is starting to feel like a losing game.
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The word prayer because numb to me. Today, on the news, bad things keep being repeated over and over again. You become desensitized due to it. It was becomes your normal and you don't take value to the situation or feel empathetic towards the situation. I heard the word prayer every Sunday at Bible study in a small apartment every week, and my mom and the Lord always managed to get to go to every one of them. I became desensitized, and the word prayer lost it value. I thought that since I couldn't see what was happening in the physical realm, it's value was corrupt. I forgot the word blessing can actually be a blessing. I was spoiled, and I was selfish. I was spoiled and I was selfish because behind the scenes I had a grandfather who prayed my family through it all, and a family who had a strong foundation in the word of God. I took it for granted not realizing the depth of power that love has in my life. A glass that I kept getting refilled, and I didn't know where the water was coming from. I have lived a lucky life. When my Lolo passed away, I kinda was losing it. My brain was all messy with starting college, and I have to come home to see the family with a strong foundation and joy all look like they were beaten down by a war. Jessa always told me that maybe basked in it too much and I just agreed, but neither of us truly understood. Anyway it was a couple days due to his passing and I was struggling and overwhelmed, and I was looking for comforting words from my boyfriend but my boyfriend is Jerome Fields soo... He was like you are finally having to deal with real struggle huh? I was kinda irritated by him like I thought I have dealt with struggle like getting an A in AP class or dealing with A BOYFRIEND. I tried to defend myself but dropped it because I felt there is no point, I guess I'm just privileged. I never realized that maybe I shouldn't have been offended. Maybe it was time for me to see that my glass is empty. Because it was time to look at the person who was refilling the glass and it wasn't just other people but it was God. God fills our glass even when we are not looking. I feel I have learned that we need to be grateful for our glass filler. Prayer is not some words. It's not just what people say. It's not just a minute to be spiritual and walk away. It holds a meaning and a value that you have to understand. The value is that Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, and we are blessed for that. That's the value of a blessing. The Lord does not care how much we bask in his joy like Jessa said, but the.lord was waking us up so we know we are giving our glass to him everyday with gratitude and thankfulness. The hardest thing dealing with a relationship of God without my Lolo anymore and the force to go to Bible study every Sunday is that now God is.being generously given like before. God is telling to get up and go give the glass to him rather than someone doing it for me. I don't blame God for his death or anything like that. I'm gonna search for things that can't be done in the mind I have now, but what I can do is let go and let God take care of me and anytime the Lord challenges me or the Devil tries to fight with me or maybe both, I will continue to the love the Lord because my glass is overfilled and now it's finally time to drink to reap its harvest, it's time to love the Lord and follow him TO BREAK THE ALABASTER BOX.
Amen.
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I've been stuck in a very confused place in my life where I don't really understand anything or feel like I've understood anything. People have been telling me that a certain time is coming and this and that. And whenever I feel like something is, everything feels the same.
I don't really understand the difference between spiritual and mental state. Whenever I listen to a preacher and get ready, I feel like my mind is going a thousand other places to where I can't focus on the one thing I planned to focus on.
I feel like I should be getting somewhere, but I am very much stuck in the mud. I can't seem to tell my parents anything really. I honestly don't know much about myself really. But I feel they should know more. I've been wanting to tell them that sitting in this house alone with my thoughts has slowly making me go crazy. I want to them that I want to volunteer and paint for this musical going on and that I will be protected and it's okay. I want to tell them that I should be able to go things now and stop asking for my mother's permission since I'm old enough to make political choices for the country's future and gamble millions of dollars that I probably never will get because we are stuck in a parasite society. I wish I could tell them that I've been dating this cute boy for the past two years, and I really like where it's going and I really you get to learn to love him because he has these amazing seeds in his pockets that once you see them grow you'll never stop looking.
I wish I could talk to God like a friend. But that wall seems to be there. The walls of Jericho, it feels like. Except this wall is unexplainable. Unexplainably made. Unexplainably built. It's always been there. And I let it be. When really I should break it. I don't know why can't pray out loud or lift my hands or something like that. I mean I have but in private after beating my brain for hours. But it's never genuine or real it seems. And I've been trying. You know I keep listening to these preachers speak, but I wonder if there is ever flowers on the other side of this wall I currently see. I don't feel like I ever will see flowers because here we are constantly running or ripping to go to something that no one seems to be looking at the flowers. You know I went to my Lolo's grave today and everyone seems to be taking pictures of the flowers and with flowers but no one just took time to just look at the flowers. No one really seems to just stick around for awhile because everyone's mind seems to be running. There's never enough time and always busy, everytime. That's what I feel like. I feel like I can never give my full love or potential to Him because I haven't been honest to the people around me and I don't know if I can or ever will and when will anyone in my life fully stop being strangers and when will Jerome call again and why am I depending on him again and when will I tell people exactly what I need or will I keep saying I'm fine. When will be the day where I take some rocks to face a giant or close my eyes and know there's a storm coming.
I feel that my problems are from a lack of facing them, but fear seems to sink in and I'm afraid I'll never get to the other side.
So I stand here the same waiting for His next miracle because I'm honestly tired of feeling the same, doing the same, feeling useless and helpless all the time, I just want to be useFULL and helpFULL and that's my never ending cycle.
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are you ever trying to understand your own morality and also mortality... It's a puzzling thing
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- (5/13/2020) My dad made me feel bad today. He was hoping he could retire where he was now, but he told me he couldn't because I was going to college. He went on about his friend named Dale who dropped out and now is retired before him. Idk kinda got me down.
- I realized after writing this that I need to look at this with a different perspective. A perspective of gratitude. I realized I need to push harder and try my best. I realized that not only my dad, my relatives, my Lolo, and most importantly God has got my back. Love and abundance has supported me so much in my life, and I always got down because I'm always feel I'm not doing enough or will never do enough to return the favor. I always catch myself when I complain, but I need to keep reminding myself that my life is someone's goal.
- I had trouble with my mom because she never understood the hardships of our life because we lived largely different lives that it's hard to place in her perspective why life is so hard. I realized because the shoes I wear now is what my mom yearned for. And now she is disbelief at times when her daughters go through hardship. It's so new to her, she almost blocks it at times with a hint of worry. Perspective is such a revelation to me.
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wow isn't it amazing that times of past conflict will end up being a lesson, like conflict you are going through now might be a blessing in the future for you to learn something
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Me realizing maybe God makes some of us needy for love because God has been needy for our love for all this time but never gave it to him because whatever we do is never enough for all the battles that were taken down by Him.. hhmmm
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Dang
I just realized
How irrelevant everything is
Like one disease struck out all plans
And events in people's lives
Maybe to show us what truly matters in the end...
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I just wish for that easy love story sometimes
Why can't I have someone to post about 24/7 lol
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