arumtunjung - Tumblr blog

[arumtunjung]

What I think when I think of marriage, is exactly like this. When the party's over, and the excitement dies down, and life is just.. a collection of activities done repeatedly in the 24-hour timeframe. There's gotta be some newfound quirks. Habits. Resentment. I'm not sure if other people feel this way too, but the way I know it is that it's normal. We'll eventually come to this. So when the resentment unfolds.. slowly.. over time, I can see it, I can accept it, and I can not make it worse. I think it's best if I acknowledge the consequences of the action that I took so that I can focus on doing my part, to reap the benefits as much as I can. However, I can only fully take care of myself. Whatever happens in my head and heart is my responsibility to look after. But yours is a different case. I can only touch and nurture so much of it, never all. So, whatever stain you have in your head and heart, is yours to take care of. It's not mine. It's never been.

[arumtunjung]

Many of us speak of ego as if it’s a clear, easy-to-define subject, when it’s not. Sometimes it’s so obvious, the other time it’s sneaky. It slips through our finger, seeps into the skin, then entangles our heart - sometimes to the point of no return.

But the most dangerous thing ego can do is mimicking kindness.

“I do it for you, I sacrificed for you” “I do it willingly because I assume you’re not willing to do it, it’s okay” “I feel better because I do this thing for the environment/organization/family/etc, unlike you who do this thing”

We see how ego often disguises itself as such. Notice how all of the examples above were done with spite, instead of real compassion.

However, at a more trickier level, lays a fact that having ego is simply.. humane. There’s nothing we can do to wipe it off completely. We can only control. And what a hell of ride it will be.

I’ve been through hell then back again just to recognize my ego pattern, control it, then learn to convert it into compassion, yet I often find myself failing miserably. Been through hell then back again to observe when people is acting out of ego toward me, so I myself can learn grace.

But, man, oh man, what a never-ending, fucking tiresome quest it is to learn grace.

[arumtunjung]

It’s amazing how people are excited over that new series on 2024, or that time capsule that they’ll open at 2030.

Meanwhile, time stops for me in 2018-2019. All of me died and not even an essence left. I can’t even fathom that 2023 will come, followed by 2024, and eventually 2030. Time has become a blurry concept, and so does the future.

Now I’m just a shell waiting for the edge of my expiry date.

[arumtunjung]

When I was younger, I always wonder “How do you know if he’s the one?” I ask the question over and over To my girl friends, to my boy friends And they all say the same, vague thing;

“When you know, you know”

That’s how I knew I have problem Because at the time I didn’t know As I pondered over his photos The story of our six years together I still didn’t know

Only now that I understand It’s the reassuring gaze whenever you’re about to leave my house that makes me so sure you’ll come back. It’s the calm smile whenever we’re video-calling that makes me so sure you’re happy to see me, even just through a screen. It’s the appreciative words you generously give that makes me so sure that you will never let my effort go unnoticed. It’s your short silence whenever we’re arguing that makes me know that you listen. It’s my advices you take, that makes me so sure that you see me as someone equal.

It’s a lot of other things you do, or do not do, that makes me so sure of you that makes me want to better myself for you and I am glad, I’m glad that I’ve found you

“ at last, at last, at long, long. last “

[arumtunjung]

It’s always out of the blue that I think of you. You, one of the two I put my forever loyalty to.

One thing that you should already know about me, is the urge of me to follow my curiosity. And so I do.

I know I cannot (and should not) get a hold of you, so I follow the trail of the one closest to you; your wife.

She is as cute as ever. As secretive as ever. As virtually-positive as ever.

Really, Ndu, if only we met under a better circumstance, I would like to befriend you two. I believe when you say that me and her would’ve been a best friend. But, sadly, we can’t. And it’s okay.

Though I know that, I can’t help but feel a little jealous. Your life with her - it makes me jealous.

Back on your 30th (or 31st?) birthday, I pray for you to never ever get sad again. I said, “Just let the world burn, but not you”.

Ndu, know that I mean each and every word of it. I’m glad that out of countless prayers I’ve had, God chooses that one prayer to be true. I see you are happy, through your wife’s eyes, and I see she’s happy.

I am jealous, and also happy for you.

You both live exactly how I guessed you both would; simple, humble, and peaceful. I see, though only a glimpse, how you complement one another, and how you grow beside each other.

I never thought about how I want that kind of life with you. I’m just... jealous; of how you seem so positively unchanging.

How do you do that, Ndu? I know you know full well how life can fuck you up. And there you are, seemingly standing still, not being swept away by the chaos all around.

You’re like... a strong pole, carrying and radiating peace all around. I really like that about you, and I really look up to you.

(You, or the idea of you that I have in my head)

As “too much” as it might sound, I really wish for you and your wife’s happiness. Thank you, always, for the life-changing (and undoubtedly wild) period. I’m glad I get to cross your path.

[arumtunjung]

It’s hard not to romanticize the city when each visit brings new magic. Each corner has its charm and I’m ever-enchanted. In the city, I find myself alone, yet not lonely. Many times I find myself feeling estranged, yet not really. “This is home” I say to myself “But then this is just a city” Who am I lying to? Of all times I have been in love, love. I don’t think I will have the time to outgrow you.

[arumtunjung]

I am afraid. I am nervous. I am anxious.

Will I ever be at peace, again, ever?

[arumtunjung]

At this point I’m pretty sure that if I die tomorrow, people will still ask me about what I have achieved.

Moneyless, husbandless, childless, achievement-less, friendless, loveless.

To be honest I’m not at all worry about those things.

But even if I do, I just hope people will let ME be worry about it myself.

[arumtunjung]

I want to be heaven for all. But you deserve a special treatment. You always do.

For you, I hope I am your hell. I hope it burns whenever you see my name.

And I will make sure you will always see my name.

[arumtunjung]

Honey, I’m a mess. My head’s a mess. This is my punishment. I swim against the current and this is what I have to face. So, please, if you ever, even just once, feel the slightest doubt on me, please bail. Because you’ve been so kind, and you don’t deserve my hell.

[arumtunjung]

I’m tired, I told you this.

I’m tired of having my questions unanswered. I’m tired of having to reassure myself that “I’m fine”, that “this is fine”, or “this is just a dream”.

It’s tiresome to be reminded of something that I can’t be a part of, something that I know would do no good, wishing, hoping that if I can get rid of the dream I should at least get rid of this heart. So that it won’t hurt.

It hurts. It hurts so much. Please make this stop.

What do I do to make it all stop? What price do I have to pay to make it all stop?

[arumtunjung]

You always have a way to ruin me.

Must you go that far? Can you let me go already?

[arumtunjung]

Little Arum won’t have any idea about what it’s like to cry without tears.

It never cross my mind how years later I would be able to explain to her what it’s like.

I would say “It’s like the air is suctioned out of your lung.”

“And whenever you try to inhale, your body trembles.”

“And your body crumpling like a piece of paper.”

“You’ll let anyone, anything to take your heart. Take it, eat it, break it, crush it, burn it, you will not care”

“Then and only then that you want to be lifeless.”

“And I’m sorry you will get to this point”

“I should’ve taken care of you a little better”

And if I’m lucky maybe she’ll answer

“I’m sorry that life took you to this path”

“I’m sorry that the pain catches you, even to your dream”

“Maybe we’ll be fine.”

“If not now, maybe later.”

[arumtunjung]

I hope for myself

One day, if the universe permit me to grasp the whole of it in my hand,

I will stay kind.

I will only do good things,

I will only say good things,

and I will only think good things.

But if what I have

makes me to be the person that I don't want to be;

the person who don't do good,

who don't speak good,

and who don't think good,

I hope the universe is kind enough

to remind me,

to not let me go astray,

to make me see there are things outside of just me.

Because

of all things I allow to lose,

I don't want myself to be one of it.

[arumtunjung]

You know that point somewhere along the line of dissapointment where you just... let go.

You're not busy trying to band-aid the wound, to heal the scratch, to put ice on the bruises.

You just bleed

and bleed

and bleed

Until you are

nobody.

[arumtunjung]

“Just because I don’t give you what I want, doesn’t mean I don’t give all I have”

Maybe, after all, it’s just me justifying myself. Maybe what I have is never enough. Maybe people just want me to have more. Thus, give more. Maybe I’m just too weak to fulfill whatever expectations they have of me. And I’m sorry.

[arumtunjung]

Maybe, despite my effort to look at you with respect, and my belief that I, indeed, know nothing more than you because, as you said, you speak from experience, it is never enough. I know, for sure, it’s not enough because if it is, you won’t be sitting there, saying “What have you given to me, to us?” Because there’s none. I haven’t given you anything.

But why is it that, despite my inability to show and give you what you want I feel tired and helpless and frustrated and hurt and unheard and desperate?

Maybe I will never be able to give you anything you want I’m sorry if I can’t be the person that you want. I never wanted this either.