aryasage

[aryasage]

The State of PPAU: A Really Long Post

This is gonna read like a video essay script I’m sorry 😭 and I'm serious about it being long this is 3k and says nothing really

When I started PPAU, it was more of a oneshot that I never expected to finish. Of course, I did finish it, so then I ended up posting it. At some time around then, my art teacher wanted me to draw up some sort of fictional setting, so I cheated and drew the players-as-champions universe I had been envisioning for months, inspired by the initial shots in the Burn It All Down MV of bright lights in a dark, rainy city. (That’s probably why the PPAU version of China has that same vibe of heavy rain and colorful light 90% of the time.) The first fic came out, and… it didn’t seem to draw much attention. Which, by the way, isn’t a problem, but it felt pretty discouraging back then. I came from a really close community in my last fandom where we would always be leaving paragraph-long comments on each other’s works, so getting a grand total of zero comments made me decide that I wouldn’t continue the universe like I had hinted. Much. 

The second PPAU fic was about the most popular North American team at the time, EG. At the time of posting, it was my way of saying goodbye to a universe I didn’t think I’d explore more of. Unlike my first fic, however, this one did get comments and kudos galore (I legitimately thought someone kudos-botted the fic or something since it had more kudos than hits). One comment in particular offered me more than just encouragement—it offered me a question. AryaSage wanted to understand how people got their powers, since it seemed a little inconsistent between fics. I never really answered that question very well, since magical sources of power were decidedly complicated in PPAU. But that  comment was what made me decide to continue PPAU for at least a little longer. 

My third fic was something pretty new for me. Instead of a oneshot that was mostly action or random fluff, I was going to do a multichap with a plot. You see, while trying to come up with championship wishes, I decided to give Scout one that would synergize with his champion, Zoe. I wrote down something along the lines of “boundless energy, never sleeps.” After a second of thinking, I added, “—angst?” Exploring championship wishes, the consequences of being a moron and the bond between teammates sounded like fun, so I went for it. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t really write a vaguely emotional, character-driven story without understanding the characters. And I knew very little about EDG, considering I have been a Damwon fan for almost as long as I’ve been into esports, and I am also a petty bitch. Rather than research, I went off pictures and their champions. Meiko was Yuumi, so he was generally cheerful, a great support outside of battle, and big on physical touch. Viper was Aphelios, so he was mysterious and cool. (AryaSage later gave him trauma.) Scout had to have a reason to make his stupid wish in the first place, so I made him a little bit of a moron. Jiejie was my favorite EDG member, although that’s not saying much, and I made him sarcastic because of his smirk in pictures. Flandre… was also there. In the span of about a week, I did what I had never done before: I finished a multichap fic. Arya commented on each chapter as it came out, which reminded me of my old fandom and helped motivate me to figure out what the hell my plot was. I call one day you’ll wish you hadn’t the EDG pilot, since I clearly hadn’t figured out the characters yet. 

Going into my fourth fic, I knew it was going to be an LCK fic. One commenter, rakuyou, said they would love to read more, and suggested that I write LCK next. I agreed, since I had written about the other three major regions already. I planned to write about Damwon, because again, I’m a Damwon fan and Showmaker has been my favorite for years. (He made it into EDG’s fic. That’s how you know it’s bad.) But when I tried to write about them… no ideas came to mind. I ended up thinking about a few clips I’d seen of Gumayusi talking about proving himself to Keria, and I typed out a line: “Okay, so in hindsight, this wasn’t the greatest idea.” Since I had covid at the time and therefore nothing to do but blow my nose and sit in my room, I wrote the rest of the fic in one day. My mom chose the title when she came to bring me my Chipotle. Rakuyou and Arya appeared again to cheer me on, and when Arya suggested that I do a Viper-centric fic to figure out his Deal (see note on me making him mysterious), I decided I might as well. 

So I did. And posted my fifth fic. The next day. As one does. The next two fics, while fun, didn’t have as much crazy inspiration behind them. They were both actually written from prompts, since I ran out of ideas. 

And then there was someday both of us are leaving here. I wrote the beginning of the sixth chapter first as a sort of sequel to counting failures, and then decided to make it a multichap 5+1. After chapter 4, DRX beat T1, and my fic ended up getting a lot more attention as people tried to cope with those finals. Two of my readers, a certain axolotl and owl, would later become my friends. Ginger Owl in particular motivated me to make the fic’s ending as good as it could be, since it was one of her favorite fics at the time. 

It’s worth noting that at the time of posting the sixth chapter, I had been dealing with depression for about six years. The pandemic hadn’t helped, and I was convinced that I was a failure compared to who I used to be. That had just started to change, as I realized about a day before my depression’s birthday that I might be able to be okay after all. One of my friends was also struggling with self-worth in comparison to someone else, similar to Gumayusi in the fic. In the seventh and final chapter, Keria tells Gumayusi that he doesn’t have to be Teddy or any of their teammates. All he has to be is Gumayusi. That chapter wasn’t just a love letter to Ginger Owl and my friend—it was a reminder to myself, of what I’d learned. I was vastly different from how I used to be, sure, and I was worse in a lot of ways, but my current self was also better in other aspects. I didn’t have to compare myself to who I used to be or to anyone else—I was enough. 

Yeah so then my grandpa died and I wrote angst to cope. Blah blah. 

But my grandpa dying and my depression isn’t important to this story! Something more important happened: SHOWMAKER LOST IN QUARTERFINALS. Filled with mald and the spirit of NA, I wrote there’s no crown for losing. And this shit is so bad it warrants a section break. 

For the first eight fics, PPAU had a solid identity. It was supposed to be a bunch of fairly short fics, some with self-contained arcs, that took place in the same universe, were canon compliant, and could be read without prior knowledge of the universe. Obviously, this wasn’t fully the case, since someday both of us are leaving here required knowledge of counting failures, but I figured it wouldn’t be too hard for a gumakeria fan to read a short gumakeria prequel. Plus the whole universe isn’t explained at the beginning of each fic, because that would make me die inside. Anyway, these stories were never connected all that much, making it easy for someone to pick and choose which ones they read based on what teams or players they liked. But there’s no crown for losing was the beginning of the end. Funnily enough, the canon compliance (AKA generally sticking to PPAU versions of IRL events and relationships) wasn’t completely destroyed the second I came up with the idea of a DK EDG crossover, since Damwon posted about LOSER FINALS TODAY WE GONNA WIN THIS TIME BROTHERS. DK VS EDG, TIME: WHENEVER YOU WANT. I love tncfl with my whole heart, but there’s no denying it did two very dangerous things to the universe. 

It introduced the idea of what I call a “mcdonalds fic”, where the previously unrelated characters from past stories came together to make something that was decidedly less than canon compliant. A mcdonalds fic, in essence, puts characters together despite the fact that they have barely interacted at all IRL, and therefore defies canon. 

It introduced Showmaker as the main character instead of a snarky, mysterious asshole like he was in his previous appearances. 

But surely there’s no crown for losing didn’t matter, because it was a one-time thing! Right? Well, it would have been, but then brute force and style combine was an even bigger mcdonalds fic, featuring players from all four regions and all TEN of the previous fics. (I’m serious.) Worse, that fic set up a possible plot, what with the ominous ending and hint that something new was coming. Right after that came run away from the faith, which marked the first time two characters had an important interaction that was insanely non-canon compliant. And of course, then there was now I’ll never be the same, and the Ruination arc, which was so, so non-canon compliant. It literally added a plot that was so disruptive that I had to reschedule some of the IRL matches in-universe, and although that might have been fine, it, uh… It was a global crisis with lasting effects, most notably the trauma I inflicted of some of PPAU’s most prominent characters.

The Ruination arc was a little weird, since it was split into eight fics despite having the same central plotline and arc. I don’t think it would have made much sense as a single fic either, since the POVs and focuses vary wildly (which is a problem in the alt ruination fic), and seeing as I had no idea what the plan was when I posted the first fic, there wasn’t much I could do. During the Ruination, if you wanted to know what the hell was going on, you absolutely had to read the fics that came before it, which wasn’t anything like the format I had going before. I was really drained writing the Ruination, since it was such a big project that I wasn���t sure I could finish. That’s probably why PPAU started how it did—so that no matter when I stopped writing PPAU, it would have a clear enough ending. Like a moron, I even hinted at a second Big Plot in the Ruination finale.

I ended the Ruination by celebrating the fact that all the Plot Shit was over and that I could get back to crack and my regularly scheduled programming. Except… I couldn’t. My next fic, while basically a crack oneshot, referenced the Ruination. I couldn’t justify not doing so, since Keria kind of died and saved the world. It was an awkward in-between of the two PPAU styles, since it could be read without context right up until Gumayusi and Keria start talking about an old arc. Most of the next few fics—a heart full of fire, pray for glory, rise up and sing, and even legendary (the stars will remember you)—were more of a return to the oneshot, non-interconnected format. The obvious exception is what are you willing to lose, but that one kind of had to be open-ended. Even though they were more of a return to the format, all of them still at least referenced past fics and arcs, and with Faker’s fic reaching 2023, it’s going to mention the Ruination. Except for rise up and sing, because EU is fundamentally irrelevant in this universe despite being the first region I wrote about. 

At this point, I didn’t have my self-contained arcs or my canon compliance or my oneshots that you could read independently. It was a whole interconnected mess of plot spaghetti, and it still is. At first, the “series” title didn’t really fit PPAU, since they were all just vaguely related fics, but the Ruination really made it a series. While you can still read the first thirteen fics with little to no context, the rest of the series has required reading, and that’s just… not what I meant to do. PPAU spans 50 fics if you count AryaSage and Space_Axolotl’s contributions—which you should, because they’re a) bangers and b) related to the “plot”. You also have to count the alternate Ruination, which I wrote as a fun what-if and now has a bunch of lore for the universe that can’t be found anywhere else. So now PPAU is over 300,000 words. You have to read a bunch of shit to understand one fic. Plus, while having self-contained arcs is good, now that I’m dragging them all together, you can’t just choose to read the fics about your favorites if you want to understand a new fic. So PPAU’s old concept is working against what it’s become. Honestly, if I wasn’t the author and I saw PPAU today, I wouldn’t read it. 

Look… I’m not writing for the sake of external validation, because I know I shouldn’t, but it’s not as if that doesn’t play a big part. Passion can only get me so far, and that was clear as soon as I started, since I would have quit after my second fic. PPAU isn’t exactly new reader-friendly, so most of my readers are what I call the squad: people who have read a large amount of PPAU and are more committed to it as a universe. Which is cool. I love the squad. It reminds me of my old fandom. But—and this is going to sound bad—sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Maybe I’m spoiled by my old fandom, because again, we had paragraph-long comments and discord servers where we would live react to fics (and still leave comments at the end). Maybe I’m not. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that those long comments that give me motivation and dopamine like nothing else are hard to come by these days. And by the way, there is NOTHING wrong with that, or with the fandom as a whole. Well actually the fandom has an issue with not crediting people or asking permission to use their ideas (star guardian anon i mean you /frfr) or supporting authors as much as they should but whatever. Anyway, I don’t blame anyone for not leaving comments, and I’m not saying that you should. Well I am saying that but I mean it generally and not about my works in particular. Writing any non-T1 fic means that you’re resigning yourself to it not being nearly as popular, and I’m not exactly a T1 main. I think I would have more than a few fics that didn’t have comments were it not for the squad, which kind of bothers me. I love the squad, but when it’s just them commenting on a fic, I start to think that if that fic didn’t have my name attached to it, no one would want to read it. Not even me! And at that point, why am I posting it? Why am I writing it? That’s my kind of thought process when it spirals. 

Even without that, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m just not happy with PPAU’s concept. It’s not fully interconnected, but there are a bazillion plot lines tangled up in there, and it’s not a series, but the Ruination definitely is. Canon compliance is a myth at this point. It’s not the approachable little universe it was when I made it two years ago. I’ve spent more than two years writing and drawing almost exclusively PPAU things, and… this is the part where I say that it’s gotten tiring, but that’s not the case. There are so many stories I can still tell, plus a big plotline I could explore. But if I’m putting all my brainrot into this one universe, I want to at least be happy about how that universe works—and I’m not. 

There’s no easy fix for any of this, though. I can’t untangle the plot threads and fics no matter what, and my ongoing fics reflect that. Faker’s fic will eventually answer a question that was asked by the very first fic, which does seem fitting. Because Faker. Showmaker and Canyon’s fic sets up a Noxian plotline (good timing I know) that has been around since a heart full of fire. But I alluded to Showmaker’s backstory in his first big fic. See point about tncfl breaking the universe. Alt Ruination will also be related to the greater lore of the universe, which I resent. It’s meant to be a spinoff, man… Zoomer fic was initially tied to the Noxian plot before I remembered that was a bad idea, but it still introduces a possible plot going forward. JackeyLove’s fic heavily relies on the Ruination and sets up the Void plotline, because it’s him.

Quick aside, JackeyLove is probably my favorite character I’ve created. He wasn’t supposed to be much (despite me liking iG for longer than I’ve liked DK) but while considering what Kai’Sa might exist as in PPAU, I wrote that she was “a girl who underwent a risky operation to save her life,” with said operation obviously being the Void symbiote. I used the same concept for JackeyLove, which was cool and all until I realized that he might have a little trauma about that. So he’s a bit of a mess now. In a good way. He has Showmaker’s sass, Viper’s trauma, Faker’s weird power scaling and plot relevance… 

Okay anyway. There’s no way to fix PPAU, which is upsetting considering everything I’ve put into this universe. Every chapter I post only exacerbates the issues. I still fully intend to post those chapters and eventually write the Void and Noxian plotlines, which should come to a head this year anyway. After that… we’ll see how I feel. Plot sounds painful. I don’t think I’ll outright end PPAU at some point. It’ll just stop. Which is ominous but that’s how it goes ig. 

It would be nice to work on some other projects too. I have to write that T1 novel, which will be in its own universe. Then there’s the fabled “hvau” which has been cooking for forever. Featuring my favorite mcdonalds morons. 

Maybe one day I’ll at least fix the organization of PPAU… Until then, I’d like to thank the squad I mentioned previously. I appreciate all the support more than you know. Everyone who’s commented/screamed at me in DMs for 2 hours about what I wrote, I love you. Thank you for reading! 

[aryasage]

toplaners omegalul

daily fun but useless ppau fact #21

"daily" kekw

the first jungler pov is the first fic with jankos.

the first adc pov is also the first fic with rekkles.

the first mid pov is the second fic with jojopyun.

the first support pov is the twelfth fic with meiko.

THE FIRST TOP LANE POV IS THE TWENTY SEVENTH FIC WITH ZEUS

[aryasage]

hvau mentioned 👀 surely this will end well

worlds cope series season 3!

i say as if this is a tv show. now you might ask wtf is worlds cope series and how tf were there 2 seasons of it. heres my argument.

season 1 (worlds 2022)

there's no crown for losing. that's it.

season 2 (worlds 2023)

pray for glory (even though i actually did write this before dk lost)

rise up and sing

turn the tide (...technically)

edg reunion fic i literally never finished.

C9 short

season 3 will be 1 fic. probably. with 3 chapters. (featuring a viper who isn’t angsty as hell for once) also probably. after i finish that i will (maybe) lock tf in and work on...

reverse ruination

faker backstory

keria's fic which has been in the works for two fucking years

zoomer fic?

canyon + showmaker fic

literal ass t1 novel (why did i make that bet)

tsm fic (jk thats never getting finished)

the infamous hvau (ft. aryasage eventually)

making faker a FUCKING GOD as promised

anyway i havent said this yet so FUCK YEAHHHHHH T1 WON WORLDS

[aryasage]

HAHAHAHAHA JISHENG

PPAU Weapons 2

Because I hate myself, I drew 15 Summoner weapons.

Try guessing who they belong to!

[aryasage]

[redacted] title when

behind the scenes of reverse ruination chapter 1 title...

[aryasage]

so idk how much you've kept up with lpl this year but for the first time ever jackeylove has a midlaner younger than him and sometimes when i watch them interact im like. you got that from rookie didnt you. like when creme said jkl is the only one willing to 1v1 him most of the time and how that's something rookie and jkl did all the time (and both of them admitted to knowing rookie let him win a lot of the time) anyways i am feeling very Normal about this as you can see

ROOKIE FUCKING WHATTTT

im crying. im crying. im crying. rookie really adopted this mf huh

[aryasage]

here's ppau wiki! (mostly for me to remember things about my own characters but also for easter eggs and fun content)

just updated with lots more characters and lore and shit

[aryasage]

daily fun but useless ppau fact #20

every time faker's third wish is hinted at (spoilers under cut for chapter 3 of "legendary (the stars will remember you)") (and for lots of other stuff)

someday both of us are leaving here

Gods above, Gumayusi thinks distantly as his support helps him to his feet. He’s so cute. I would literally kill for him.

“I think you just tried,” Faker says with that characteristic hint of amusement in his voice. Gumayusi blinks once. Twice.

“...Did I say that out loud?”

he did not, in fact, say that out loud.

look the fall in the eyes

Spirits. That was far too close for comfort. Keria manages to make eye contact with Faker as he begins to turn away. Please, he mentally pleads, unable to use his magical voice to convey the message. Protect them.

He has no way to hear Keria, but Faker seems to understand anyway, looking back at Keria with a whole storm of emotions in his eyes—determination, sorrow, regret, fear, and a thousand other things that Keria can’t decipher. I will, his eyes seem to say. Believe me, I will.

faker does hear him during this scene!

now you're coming at the king

Oner throws his hands in the air, causing some of the bandages around his wounds to slip. As Bengi hurriedly fixes them, Oner demands, “Why not? Don’t tell me you’re scared of him.” Faker gives him a look. “Then why are you so calm? Keria is—he’s gone!”

“He’s not,” Faker says, and the confidence in his tone has even Deft looking at him in surprise. 

and that's why faker's so confident. because he could literally hear keria plotting the entire last fic.

(don't) fear what you don't know

“You recognize them,” Faker says, his gaze piercing as he studies Showmaker’s reaction. Showmaker stifles a curse. Damn Faker for being so perceptive. 

“I never said that,” Showmaker scoffs, keenly aware of everyone’s eyes on him. He doesn’t even fool himself with the lie, and keeping his brave face on is nearly impossible under the weight of that stare. 

Faker could be Chovy with the way he’s practically reading his soul right now, Showmaker decides. “No, you didn’t,” Faker says easily, “but I’m right anyway.”

he's not even being perceptive he's just reading showmaker's mind (look one of his sons was stabbed he's past worrying about boundaries)

If what Showmaker gives Canyon is a Look, then what Faker’s giving him now is a LOOK. What is he trying to do, read his thoughts like some sort of demon? It would technically be on-brand. Listen, Demon King. It’s not nice to spy on other people without their permission, Showmaker thinks as aggressively as possible.

Faker doesn’t react. Showmaker isn’t sure if he’s disappointed or relieved.

i originally had faker turning away after showmaker... thinks at him, but i was worried it might be too obvious. i was going for a long con. but yeah showmaker does guess faker's wish here (but has no idea he's right)

in the end notes, i mention that i forgot to add a small moment to the chapter. said small moment was supposed to be faker asking showmaker "how did you know?" and showmaker thinking he was referring to something else. once again i thought it was too obvious so i cut it.

the sinful and the saviors

“I mean it, S—Faker.” There it is again, that uncharacteristic slip-up. Faker doesn’t need to read Bengi’s mind to know he’s telling the truth. He can see that much in his eyes.

haha get it? i literally said faker didn't need to read his mind haha

Just to be safe, Faker reaches out to touch a hand to Rookie’s shoulder. If he makes contact, he should be able to figure out what’s up with him. To his surprise, Rookie moves faster than the eye can see, batting his hand aside. He gives Faker a look, one that very clearly means don’t try that again.

Fine. Faker doesn’t need physical contact. He furrows his brow slightly as he channels his magic, determined to get to the bottom of this—

he's trying to read "rookie"'s mind here to make sure he's normal rookie. however keria lowkey knows that faker can do this by now, so he doesn't let him get that close.

change the game

"Gumayusi!" someone shouts, and the door is yanked open abruptly to reveal Faker, his eyes wide and one of the blades on his arm fully extended. "Are you oka— Keria?"

"How did you know?" Keria asks, wincing immediately as the words come out of his mouth in Gumayusi's voice. Some small part of him that still retains its common sense can think of a few different reasons Faker might be able to tell, but seeing as Keria is in a state of sheer what the fuck at the moment, that part of him goes unnoticed.

Faker shrugs, blade retracting until it’s hidden in his sleeve again. “It felt like you.”

(he literally read his brainwaves that's how he knew)

(and keria knows his wish he totally knows it so that's why he goes wait there are def reasons faker knew)

what are you willing to lose

Faker just stares him down, half to be intimidating and half because he has nothing to say. He reaches out with his magic again, this time to Deadeye, but he can’t get a good read on him. That alone has him tensing up, ready to unsheathe his blades at a moment’s notice.

he's just trying to read his mind here

Faker digs his blade into Deadeye’s neck just enough to draw blood. “What are you talking about?” he demands. Finally close enough for his magic to do its work, Faker starts to try to get a good read on Deadeye’s magic.

same thing

As he says it, Faker’s heart drops. His magic retreats, coming back to him with one clear conclusion. This isn’t Deadeye.

faker then realizes this fake deadeye has no thoughts. like me fr.

He’s not one to pray, but Zeus turns his eyes up to the sky anyway. Faker, if you can hear me, we need you. Help us, please.

once again faker hears this! he's 2 for 2 on this typa thing

He doesn’t have to read Showmaker’s mind to know his answer. One look at the strange emotion in the other mid laner’s eyes, something between shame and pity, tells Faker enough. Showmaker looks away. “I’m not sure.”

DO YOU GET IT?????? HE DOESN'T HAVE TO READ HIS MIND HAHA I SAID IT (im losing my mind)

ok that's all... for now. i swear ill post soon. jk i wont swear. but i have some things that should be ready.

[aryasage]

remember when i said showmaker is the main character of ppau

yeah this is why

daily fun but useless ppau fact #18

today i will be counting which fics mention showmaker and which do not. because well. hes my favorite. and it shows.

think you're dreaming of greatness: showmaker

it's time for a new empire: no showmaker

one day you'll wish you hadn't: showmaker

counting failures (you can't let them go): no showmaker

let the shadows take hold: no showmaker

the light we share: no showmaker

gone in a flash before our time: no showmaker

someday both of us are leaving here: showmaker

there's no crown for losing: showmaker

every time I close my eyes (a little less of you remains): no showmaker

brute force and style combine: showmaker

run away from the faith: no showmaker

those you left behind: showmaker

now I'll never be the same: showmaker

let us savor the pain: no showmaker

look the fall in the eyes: no showmaker

where the hunters get hunted: no showmaker

now you're coming at the king: showmaker

fire in our blood (but we're still cold-hearted): showmaker

the ones that are voiceless: showmaker

(don't) fear what you don't know: showmaker

we'll take up arms, we'll make amends here: showmaker

take to the skies: showmaker

the sinful and the saviors: showmaker

change the game: showmaker

a heart full of fire: showmaker

what are you willing to lose: showmaker

pray for glory: showmaker

rise up and sing: no showmaker

legendary (the stars will remember you): no showmaker

that is 11 no showmaker fics and 19 showmaker fics. in case you were wondering, showmaker is mentioned roughly 900 times. i need you to know that in the fic i'm working on rn i have had to keep myself from mentioning showmaker 3 times already. we are so cooked

[aryasage]

now edited with additional scenes to be posted on ao3 here :)

blood so silver black by night

yes it should be phel theme not diana theme. it's still lunari and i'm running out of titles from phel theme. sue me.

if i could make this hit 1k it would probably go into the oneshots that didn't fit into atcybyna but i wanted to post SOME content in the next decade so here you all go (it could still probably hit 1k after going back and revising it as this thing is a mess and a half but again. wanted to get content out. it's definitely because i'm generous and not because i couldn't be bothered to proofread. yep.) a different version of this might end up being actually posted at some point, but for now, have this

this is set during tncfl, an exchange between deokdam and viper. no graphic depictions of anything but vague mentions of abuse, violence, all your standard viper backstory stuff. oh and also religion because i find fantasy religion really fun to explore so it ended up taking up a lot of this little piece. anyway keep reading for some actual writing for once :)

You’re…like me? Deokdam asks hesitantly upon hearing Viper’s voice, so similar to his own yet so much rougher, full of pain buried deep down.

Am I? Viper responds, poison in his voice threatening to spill over. You had a choice, didn’t you?

Deokdam is taken aback by the question. What do you mean?

The moon’s gifts, Viper says bluntly. You wanted them, didn’t you?

I—of course. it was an honour to receive her blessing, Deokdam says, unsure of where Viper’s going with this.

Did you— Viper stops, taking a deep breath before continuing. Could you have said no, if you didn’t want them?

I mean—why would I? I knew what I was getting into, had prepared for it my whole life. Didn’t you?

Viper scoffs, and his support looks over at him, but Viper waves him off before addressing the other ADC again, avoiding eye contact. Yeah, no. I’m not like you.

What do you—

I didn’t know what I was getting into. I didn’t get a choice, didn’t have an opportunity to say no—and I tried. You drink noctum willingly—imagine it’s forced down your throat with no idea what’s happening. Then you have to keep taking it just to keep yourself alive.

Deokdam stares at him, horrified. Why would anyone— The ceremony, the ritual, the acceptance—that’s the most important part. Not the gifts themselves. It’s—willingly making that sacrifice—that’s the entire point—

Viper sighs. Not everyone in our faith had the same idea. Some were too focused on their…objectives to care about what they had to do to get to them. What was one person, in the grand scheme of things? The individual doesn’t matter, after all.

Only its role, Deokdam finishes out of habit. But wait, that’s not what it’s supposed to mean—

I know that. Pretty sure they did too. Just chose to ignore it in favour of their agenda. It was all in her name, after all. How could she disapprove?

And what, exactly, was the agenda that justified them doing that? Deokdam asks, but he’s not entirely sure he wants to know the answer.

Viper doesn’t answer the question, asking his own instead. You prepared for it your whole life, right? But what kind of preparation was that? Training? Practise? Viper looks away, his next words quieter, yet they echo in Deokdam’s mind louder than ever. You learn a lot faster when your life depends on it. In real battles. Especially when you’re not protected by any Guild’s magical guarantee. He takes another deep breath, exhaling slowly before finally answering the question that Deokdam asked. As for their ideals, well…I don’t know how much of what they said was true. But they must have been at least somewhat right, because it’s definitely true that there are some that aren’t so…approving of our faith.

Her sister’s followers…Deokdam responds quietly. I thought they swore to stop centuries ago.

Maybe some did. Like your guild’s old support, I imagine. But there are always exceptions. Where do you think this came from, after all? Viper asks, subtly indicating the scar on his face. It’s silvery, just like the few scars that Deokdam has, the telltale sign of being healed with one of the moon’s weapons. But the edges are rough, almost like a blade set alight had carved into skin—oh. Sunfire? That can’t be right, it must just be something like it—

Viper nods, almost imperceptibly.

I’m so sorry—

Viper cuts him off. I don’t need your pity, he says, scowling and turning his head away from Deokdam.

It’s not pity! I—I got enough of that with my first Guild. None of them understood that I wouldn’t give up my gifts for anything no matter how much the noctum hurts, and I can’t even imagine how it would be for you—there’s a reason I stopped trying to explain them to my new teammates. He sighs before continuing. I’m sorry that you never got to accept your gifts, never got to prepare yourself for any of it. It’s not fair that I did and you didn’t, and I wanted to apologise for that. It shouldn’t have been like that.

It’s not your fault. You don’t need to apologise. Besides, it’s not like they could keep their hold on me forever, Viper says, smirking. I got my gifts, but they don’t get their champion. Not anymore. I won, in the end.

They both fall silent before Viper finally asks a question softly. What was it like for you?

What do you mean?

What should it have been like for me?

Oh. Deokdam’s tried explaining to people who didn’t understand before. It’s never ended well. But with Viper, well, he’s all too happy to share. He at least owes his fellow marksman that much, and as he begins to describe the details of the night when he accepted his gifts, Viper listens, taking in every word.

[aryasage]

set me on fire (so i can rise)

so fpx has been doing ridiculously well and deokdam beat ruler for the first time in his career and i sat down and vomited thirteen hundred words of brainrot onto the page. i had originally intended it for tumblr so i'm posting it here but it's theoretically long enough for me to post it as an actual fic so like. if anyone wants that let me know. no previous knowledge really needed and i'm too lazy to link stuff so just. here you go have fun

title is from fpx's phoenix because come on it was too perfect of a situation

(deokdam and viper are both aphelios, ruler is xayah, life is tahm kench, missing is thresh, flandre is graves, milkyway is kindred, none of the others really matter)

canon-typical violence under the cut but nothing graphic!

also don't yell at me about the moon formatting i already know i can't fix it ok

Deokdam has never beaten Ruler. He’s faced him more times than plenty of other AD carries, but each of their twelve matches has stayed in his head for longer than he’d like to admit. Maybe it’s that he’s the first world champion Deokdam ever faced. It’s hard to forget the feeling of barely even being able to stand in his presence, let alone put up a proper fight. But as the years went on, Deokdam’s losses to the other AD carry only got more and more depressing, and…well. He guesses it’s sort of a Thing by now. 

And so, even though he and his team have been doing far better than anyone expected, even beating TES and JackeyLove, Deokdam can’t help but feel apprehensive about their upcoming match. But…they’ve come this far by trusting each other. And so, as they start their warmups before the match, Deokdam taps Life on the shoulder. “You were his support for years,” he says quietly. “What’s his weakness?”

A sly smirk spreads across Life’s face, and he responds just as quietly. “He has a habit of overstepping. He’s overconfident. And it happens more often than you might think, especially now that he doesn’t have me anymore…”

Deokdam hesitantly returns his smile. “Thanks. I think I have an idea.”

☾

As Deokdam exchanges bows with Ruler, he keeps his eyes trained on the other AD carry, watching his every move. He steps forward first, just as Life predicted, and Deokdam can’t help but smile. Something feels different this time as he takes a step back, dodging Ruler’s first attack and beginning the dance back-and-forth, and Deokdam thinks he knows why. 

☾

“I think I’ve figured it out,” Viper says, his voice of moonlight so similar to Deokdam’s and yet nothing alike as he offers his hand to Deokdam, who takes it gratefully, allowing Viper to pull Deokdam to his feet.

“What, how to beat me? Because I’m pretty sure you figured that out a while ago,” Deokdam says, trying to pass it off as a joke, but his magical voice betrays his frustration. He’d accepted Viper’s request to spar over the offseason without a second thought, eager to practise both with his friend and someone with far more skill than him, but after the third day, Deokdam is just exhausted, and Viper absolutely destroying him every round isn’t exactly making him feel much better. 

“No, not that,” Viper says, sighing. “Let’s sit down. We should get water anyway.” Well, he’s right about one thing, at least. Even though it doesn’t do anything to put out the fire in his throat, Deokdam’s definitely dehydrated by now, and just the act of drinking it is refreshing. It also means he can avoid asking what Viper did mean for a bit, but eventually, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he asks Viper just that.

“Oh, right. Well, I think I figured out your problem. Fighting,” he quickly adds, evidently seeing Deokdam’s face and how he was about to say he has far more than one problem to worry about. “You think too much about yourself.”

The words hit him harder than any dose of noctum. Great. He already feels awful for drowning himself in self-pity practically all of last spring and half of summer, but it hurts even more coming from his friend. 

Viper frowns. “Wait, no, not—” He sighs. “I don’t mean that you’re selfish, Deokdam. Just that you get too much in your own head. You’re so focused on what you should do that you’re not paying enough attention to your opponent, so when I do something unexpected, you get caught completely off-guard.”

Oh. The tension eases from Deokdam’s shoulders somewhat. That…makes a lot more sense. 

“I used to have the opposite problem, actually,” Viper continues. “I was always so focused on what the enemy was doing that I forgot my teammates were there too. I didn’t trust them, and our coordination would always be slightly…off. I never really fixed it until…well. You’re a lot better at it than I am. You’ve always had much better synergy with your teams. So you don’t need to worry about that. What I do want you to worry about is your opponent.” He stands up with a smile. “One last round?”

Deokdam can’t help but return it, standing up and following him back to the sparring ring. “Sure.”

“Okay. I want you to keep your focus on me. Your instincts are good enough by now, but you trip yourself up. Don’t think about what you’re doing at all. Just trust yourself, and try to defeat me.”

☾

Just trust yourself. Your instincts are good enough. It’s not that Deokdam would ever say Viper was wrong in saying that, per se, but for the first time, Deokdam thinks he might have been right as he fires a shot at Ruler, clipping him in the shoulder and dodging away from the chains that Missing sends flying at him. 

Smoke begins to swirl around the battlefield, meaning Flandre must have taken out Xiaolaohu in his pocket realm, and if Showmaker hadn’t complained about it being completely unfair every other week in 2022, Deokdam would be realising just how annoying it is right about now. Thanks to Kellin, though, Deokdam has plenty of practice of fighting with irritating gases everywhere, and he can just barely make out the silhouette of Missing’s body right before he throws his hook at Deokdam, and he sidesteps it on instinct. Something grazes his side—one of Ruler’s razor-sharp feathers—but Deokdam hardly feels it thanks to the fire already burning in his veins. All it does is reveal Ruler’s position, and Deokdam fires another shot in his direction.

Ruler lets out a grunt of pain, but he must still think he has the advantage, what with the smoke everywhere, because he takes another step forward, obviously confident. Too confident, because now he’s close enough that Deokdam can see his figure through the smoke. He fires a shot at Ruler’s leg, trying to knock him off balance, and Ruler predictably launches himself into the air, flinging an array of feathers at Deokdam. But with his wings flapping to keep himself in the air, he’s blowing the smoke away, and Deokdam switches weapons, launching a gravity orb at Ruler and clenching his fist, pulling him down to earth. He thinks his legs are bleeding, but it doesn’t matter, not when he switches back to his first weapon, shooting Ruler right in the chest and eliminating him, a faint red mark glowing where his Guild’s magic protected him. 

With their AD carry gone, Deokdam and his teammates are able to make quick work of what remains of JD Guild, especially thanks to Milkyway’s arrows that Deokdam swears have homing magic on them. The rest of the match is a bit of a blur, but the ceremony afterwards stays clear in his mind. Flandre is just as good-natured as Deokdam remembers, and Yagao has a quiet smile even in defeat, but when Deokdam shakes Ruler’s hand, the other AD carry murmurs in Korean, “Well fought.” 

As he walks away, Deokdam catches a glimpse of himself, and if his heart weren’t already pounding out of his chest from the adrenaline rush, it would be now from the shock. Ruler’s glow given by the Rift might be powerful, but right now, Deokdam shines with a light far more important, moonlight gleaming brightly in an aura all around him. It doesn’t go away, even as Milkyway heals his wounds, and when they leave, Deokdam chances a look up at the sky. There, peeking through the stormy clouds, Deokdam can see Her light shining down from above for the first time since he came to China, and he can’t help but smile. 

Thank you, he thinks. I’ll use your gift even better than before.

[aryasage]

RISE—a debatable "analysis"

so, league of legends and the word alive just recently released rise (redux) as a celebration of the original rise, and it made me realise just how many versions of rise have been released over the years. and then, i thought, well. why shouldn't i go over all of them? it's not like anyone's stopping me :]

so, enjoy my thoughts on every version of rise that i could find! supposedly there was a nightcore version at some point but i couldn't find anything official so it will have to stay off the list for now. also jackeylove has some opinions to share from when each of these came out.

his text looks like this

my actual thoughts look like this

don't blame me for tumblr formatting options they all suck ok

RISE (2018)

youtube spotify

next year it’s gonna be me in the music video just you wait we’re gonna destroy this thing

nostalgia-wise, this isn’t my favourite worlds song. definitely not my favourite mv, but production-wise, i can’t imagine any worlds song that could top this one. although mako has worked on every worlds song since at least 2017 (i think 2016 too, but i can’t easily verify that) except for 2̷̨̫̫͓͕̀̓0̷̡̠̹̭͉́2̶̳͕̟̜̄̓̀͗́2̶̠͉͆̍, he absolutely popped off with this one in particular. the gravelly effect added to his vocals helps demonstrate the weight of the lyrics, and then when it’s taken off for telle’s RISE, it feels even clearer, like they’re breaking through all the barriers to go higher, to literally rise above it all. the bpm (177!) can be felt right at the start, a frantic pace demonstrating just how quickly you could lose everything, how fast you need to move, and the bridge has some of my favourite lyrics in all of riot’s songs. i love nearly all of the worlds songs, but the storytelling in this one is wonderful even without the mv.

RISE - Remix (2018)

youtube spotify

better than the original version no competition 

rookie looked over my shoulder while i was writing this and laughed at me because he says the rap sucks. well FUCK YOU i’m writing all this in voidtongue from now on how about YOU suck fucking music snob asshole why are you so good at singing

on a lyrical level yeah sure rookie’s right; half of it is product placement. however. sometimes noise is good. i usually don’t like remixes, but here it works, because more going on doesn’t take away from the song; just makes it more hype. i don’t follow bobby or ikon much but his flow here is really clean and it’s just a vibe. i think recently i’ve listened to this version much more than the original just because of how much more energy it has, and while it doesn’t have the same feel, i still really like it

RISE - Live (2018)

youtube

honestly don’t even care it was that bad. we got to laugh about it and then we won so if anything it was just a good luck charm

good thing we weren’t in view at the start of the performance though i think rookie was crying although from laughter or just how bad it was i’m not sure

okay yeah. mako completely threw this one i have no idea what he was on

HOWEVER. telle did great. and yk what once bobby came on mako sounded fine.

it’s still obviously. not good. but it could have been worse. my main problem with it isn’t even the performance it’s the fact that riot turned the mics way down for opening ceremonies after 2018 which is a CRIME LET THEM SING LIVE (it was a bit better for rise 2023 but the other songs were still very loud on the backtracks. i get that some singers aren’t great at the whole projecting thing but come on you can’t tell if you can’t even hear them over the backtrack.)

RISE - UNSECRET Cover (2021)

youtube spotify

yeah i can vibe to this right about now

i like this version a lot but out of all the official releases i think i have to put it fourth through no fault of its own but just because it feels like there’s something missing. it’s gritty and it’s definitely a vibe but there aren’t the layers of production that you don’t notice until they’re missing, especially with how flat the RISE feels. of course, this makes sense—it’s riot forge, and production is all attributed to UNSECRET, but it’s a shame that by any other standards it’d be an absolute banger but here it falls just short. fun fact though, this was the version i put on my playlist for when i was writing nmftg (and no i haven't forgotten about the behind the scenes stuff i promised. it's coming soon i swear)

RISE - Demo

twitter

hm. so maybe he can sing

there’s a reason i heap so much praise on mako. these are demo vocals and just the layers here give me chills, not to mention how much of a sucker i am for strings. i would pay so much for a full album of a full version of all of his silly little string arrangements for all the worlds (and other riot songs, let’s be real) songs he worked on. you have no idea. can’t judge it as a full song but if it were it would be very high on my list

RISE - Live (2023)

youtube

0/10 should have been ME at the top of the rift i would have kicked gumayusi’s ASS

look, i’m biased. but seeing mako’s redemption was everything (and if you haven’t seen the clip he posted, absolutely check it out) and the orchestral instrumental slowing it down instead of the more frantic opening and hard beat gave it a more serious weight that felt especially appropriate for the revival of the song and the ongoing themes of 2023 worlds, with the Glory and the previous winners looking for redemption (even though wbg were complete frauds). it’s a perfect rendition for that ceremony and honestly like. thanks for not doing a season start cinematic riot the rise redemption was a banger you can tell just how much being able to do that performance meant to them and the emotions brought me to tears watching it live

i am glad they brought back season start song for this year though :)

also mako’s jacket was really really cool look

Rise (Redux) (2024)

youtube spotify

this is my personal anthem no i will not elaborate

telle’s vocals on this track are just so full of emotion that i can’t not love it. add to that my soft spot for rock and you get just a beautiful song. i can’t say whether or not it’s my favourite, just due to how new it is, but it’s undoubtedly great, and you should listen to it :)

anyway, i hope at least someone enjoyed my somewhat random thoughts! i love talking about music, especially riot's, and ranting about worlds anthems is what got me writing ppau in the first place, so it holds a special place in my heart. if people are interested, maybe i'll do something else talking about the worlds anthems! or maybe no one cares and this is going into the void. oh well. it was fun to write, especially with jackeylove's little comments. love him.

if you saw a typo no you didn't this is a thousand words of pure brainrot and nothing else

[aryasage]

no mercy for the guilty CHAPTER TWO

IT'S FINALLY FINISHED WOOOOOO

it has perhaps some of the best jokes i've ever written and there's like a 50% chance no one will get them it's fine i'm fine

go read it heeeeere and then let me know if you're interested in some Bonus Content™

enjoy 4k more of jackeylove being jackeylove :)

[aryasage]

to be fair in ppau jokes are perhaps more likely to become canon than things that might make logical sense. angel wants a word kek

Since T1 won, do you have any idea what their championship wishes would be? I know it's pretty soon, but I'm already curious

short answer: no...

i want t1's wishes to be perfect. well i want wishes to be perfect in general. so i must think. and thinking is hard for my pea brain.

also, i tend to take inspiration from the players' skins, and obviously for t1 those aren't even close to out yet. see: canyon's nidalee skin and her water effects leading to canyon's wish being water manipulation, ig wing details leading to ning's flying wish, faker's bazillion skins letting him use champion select, ghost's wish having a side effect of letting him turn his gun into a guitar... yknow?

i will admit, i did have some ideas. but they were goofy ones. here's a quick rundown of what i've thought about so far...

zeus: i considered something related to lightning, but i don't want to make his wish too close to nuguri's. so then i thought about yone, since that's technically a candidate for his skin choice and a pretty signature champion of his and oh shit i have an idea

oner: man idk

faker: 99% chance his wish is just restoring bengi's soul and power, but if i think of something cool enough... yknow...

gumayusi: also dunno.

keria: i thought about "haha so keria wanted a lux skin. but he didn't play lux. yknow lux has an elementalist skin. yknow how keria already controls water. haha what if he controlled the other elements. avatar keria hAAHAHAHA" ok yknow what my reasoning is starting to sound actually decent. fuck its kinda funny... the issue is ofc that if he's just the Avatar it's like... not even close to him being nautilus like he's supposed to be

[aryasage]

no mercy for the guilty

it's heeeere! jackeylove suffering part one is finally available to read! i have so much fun writing the best adc (his words. or maybe mine too. you can't prove anything) and i hope you all will enjoy reading about him :)

content warning for self-harm. there are places you can skip to listed in the beginning notes and there is a summary in the end notes.

link here gogogogo

[aryasage]

Kassadin: EDG JoJo

Lillia: well. if we're counting unnamed sus atcybyna summoner but idt that one counts

daily fun but useless ppau fact #2

there are 50 champions that don't have a specific Summoner representing them in ppau-verse (...for now):

Amumu

Anivia

Aurelion Sol

Bel'Veth*

Blitzcrank

Braum

Cassiopeia

Cho'Gath*

Fiddlesticks

Fizz

Galio

Garen

Gragas**

Illaoi

Ivern

K'Sante

Kassadin

Katarina

Kha'Zix*

Kog'Maw*

Lillia

Master Yi

Miss Fortune

Mordekaiser

Morgana

Nasus

Neeko

Ornn

Pantheon

Rammus

Rek'Sai*

Sejuani

Shaco

Shyvana

Sion

Sivir

Sona

Swain

Tryndamere

Udyr

Varus

Veigar

Vel'Koz*

Vi

Vladimir

Warwick

Wukong

Xerath

Yorick

Ziggs

*- this is a Void champion, so they're not assigned to Summoners. Some of them have made appearances at some point or another, and most of them have Void creatures based off them.

**-I won't be writing a Gragas-based Summoner any time soon, since his entire concept is just "fat drunk guy" and there's way too many issues with that for me to be able to respectfully translate him into this universe.

There are also a bunch of champions with only one Summoner representing them. Some of them will only ever have one Summoner, while some of them just aren't the right fit for anyone but that one person.

Thanks for reading the daily useless fun fact :D

[aryasage]

straining to reach the light

in which i finally got around to finishing that deokdam angst

gooooo read it here (or yk click the big words with the title that works too)

this one's been sitting around for uh. well actually i don't wanna talk about it. life happened. i'm back now. for how long? no idea. we'll see. comments feed my ego and motivation though so if you want me to write more feel free to leave me one (or don't. you can make me cry too that's fine)

ruination might be over but the pain sure isn't :)