ascriptofasoul - Tumblr blog

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i know i love God, but i don’t always love God

praying to fall in love with Him again

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“there is more”

perhaps greater and more abundant than there being more to this life, is that there is more than this life

colossians 3:2

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don’t let others taint the beauty and goodness you see in God

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don’t be so busy looking ahead that you don’t look above

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In The Quiet — series finale (August 23, 2020)

In a previous a blog post, I mentioned how I have not felt like myself for quite some time now.

After I shared that blog post, I took some time away to really reflect and reprioritize what it is that I hold as of importance in my life and where God stands amongst those.

Although it wasn’t the focus of that post, or something I had given much thought to at the time, it is reassuring to know it was on God’s heart and something He wanted me to know: who I was and where my identity lies.

They say that when you are in Christ, the new creation has come and the old has gone. Though I thought God had given me a new heart and I was changed, God was humbling me and showing me how much understanding I still lacked. God had been so merciful so that I would come to know Him, but still, He had only been an addition to my life, not the transformation of my life. That is why I didn’t who I was... I was supposed to be identifying myself in Christ but instead, I was a lukewarm believer.

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭3:15-16‬

“I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!”

You see, I was aware of the promises of God, I loved Jesus for what He did on the Cross for me, and I may have even looked the part of a “Christian”, but I wasn’t living it. I wasn’t living as someone who had tasted the sweet grace and mercy only our God could provide, I wasn’t living as someone who had known the life-saving Gospel and was eager to share it, I wasn’t living as someone who desperately clung onto Jesus because she knew she was nothing without Him.

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:1-2‬

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

On this journey that the Lord has been taking me on, He has shown me how one hand, there was Jesus and all the things that came with being a “Christian”—church on Sundays, church friends, worship music, and even bible study. On the other hand, was everything else in my life. Everything that I didn’t want Jesus to be a part of—unresolved hurt from my familial relationships that I didn’t want to confront, the person I was around friends who were unbelievers, and even the desire for financial stability over my desire for God at times.

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:24‬

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

I didn’t realize all along I still wanted the things of this world. Do not be decieved though, the things of this world that we desire needn’t be “extreme” or what we think of when we think of “sin”, that is how the enemy tricks us into believing that what we want is not “that bad”. It is simply anything else we want apart from God or before God. It is all the things that we are too afraid to give up and give into God’s hands. Because then, it would mean actually surrendering ourselves, our “peace”, and trusting Him. And sadly for some, even myself, it seemed like too much to do and like Jesus just wasn’t enough at the time.

Essentially, I had built two worlds for myself. The world I was with Jesus, and the world I was with everything else that I didn’t think pertained to Jesus.

I thought that I could keep parts of my life away from God as well because honestly, I didn’t want to be convicted or confronted with the truth about who God was... or who I was as a lukewarm believer. However, He who created all things is already in all things. Thus, He knows our intentions and He sees everything we do. He is sovereign and holds authority over our futures, our loved ones, our worries, and even our time.

My inability to let go of the trivial things was the reason why God never came first in my life. It was the reason why I didn’t always feel on fire for God, and it was the reason why I didn’t always feel like God was speaking to me.

I was trying to balance it all... but that’s not what God wanted from me. He didn’t want Himself on the same level as the things that only brought us momentary bliss, because He is much more than that. He didn’t want “half an hour of my day” because that was all I could afford to give Him. He didn’t want me to pray just because I was stressed in the moment and that was the only time I had spoken to Him all week.

For so long in my life, I have put Jesus in a box; one that I only opened on Sundays, with other Christians, or when it was convenient for me. The God of the entire universe and all creations, the King of the greatest and highest throne, and the One who didn’t have to, but still chose to bleed on the Cross for His people. This is the same God who gave His life for me, gave me the Holy Spirit for all of my days, and listens to my every prayer... yet I ignored Him, gave Him the leftovers of my time, and fragments of myself.

God was showing me that I couldn’t do that to Him anymore. I couldn’t put Him in a corner of my life like a Christmas sweater I only brought out once a year. He wanted all of my undivided attention and genuine worship for who He was. He wanted to know that I would pursue Him even if I had to do it alone. He wanted to know that even if I sinned, I would still come to Him and repent. He wanted to know that if He called me, I would get up and forsake that “other world” I had built and not hesitate. He wanted to know that if I really loved Him, I would still pray to Him and seek Him in all things, even if He gave me nothing apart from Himself. He wanted to know that if He is all I have, would that be enough for me?

I look back now and recognize how I haven’t been truly planted in the house of God so that my faith could flourish. I wasn’t rooted in Christ enough to resist temptation or not be so weakened, and I wasn’t abiding in God’s truth so that He could convict me or equip me.

There are times in the past when I thought “Well, I read a few chapters from my bible so I got my fill of God for the day.” But now, I don’t want to ever want to stop needing more of Jesus in my life because now I see, I cannot afford to live without Him.

The irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. — Francis Chan

It is not enough to say that I know God but remain unmoved by who He is. I don’t want to be a part-time believer anymore. I don’t want to be a lukewarm Christian. I want to be on fire for God. I want to be identified as His child (not by my works but by my heart), and I want to sing of His praises. I want to be constantly refined according to His purpose so that He may receive all the infinite glory.

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:21-23‬

“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.”

Although what I have shared with you today are probably things you’ve heard of before, I know God poured it into my heart to share it regardless. I was convinced because I had already known these things, I didn’t need to fully grasp it anymore either... but that just goes to show how much I actually needed Jesus to breathe life back into my bones and give me fresh eyes. When I think I have come to know everything there is about God, that means I have too much pride. It means that I have grown so numb to Jesus that the excruciating reality of what will happen if I don’t radically and wholeheartedly follow Him, no longer phases me. I am just a person so I know what I say may not matter. But, I pray and ask that you allow the Word of God to always prune you. I pray that you do not grow indifferent of our tremendously persistent and marvelousus God. I ask you to not minimize His painful, redefining death that brought us redemption. I ask you to never stop living in awe of the One who saved us from ourselves.

We are so lucky we have a patient God like Jesus, for had we loved the people in our lives the way we loved our Father in Heaven, surely they would have abandoned us by now.

Psalm 8:3–4

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?

This crucial and special time I’ve been taking to be with the Lord has allowed see what it means to put Him first in my life. Moreover, I learned I couldn’t just want “a little bit” of God or want Him when it was convenient for me. Jesus’ death was not a convenience—it was a tragic, heartfelt, and a intimate sacrifice made with each of us in mind. Either that is everything to us, or it is nothing at all.

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In the Quiet — #6 (August 15, 2020 | 5:33am)

2 Corinthians‬ ‭12: 9-10‬ ‬‬

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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“but still You dine with me”

Hi, welcome back.

I guess I’ll begin by saying I don’t really know where to begin. I haven’t known what to write about or where to start because each time I’ve tried writing (at least a dozen times now), words fail me.

Additionally and admittedly so, I have been in a spiritual rut for the past few weeks. If I’m being completely honest and vulnerable (despite being subject to great judgement), I haven’t been spending time with Jesus. Though I thought I knew of its importance, I haven’t had the desire to read the Word. I haven’t thoughtfully and intentionally talked to God through prayer, and I haven’t taken the time to just bask in His presence and even listen to worship.

I realized that perhaps the reason it’s also been so difficult to write and make sense of my thoughts, is because I haven’t been feeling like myself. I wish I could say it was because I was distracted or busy. However, I’ve ackowledged that it was because I wasn’t ready to confront the heart-work that came along with coming to terms that I have been ignoring Jesus.

Through quarantine, however, God was showing me once again how He was going to use this time to glorify who He is in my life.

With all of this in mind, late Sunday night, I spent some time going through videos, sermons, and testimonies. Though there were things I knew I needed to hear, it was as if a part of me wasn’t ready to listen. I then realized the grip of the enemy and his tricks. I was being persuaded to “watch it tomorrow” and “get some sleep”. However, I now see it was only through Christ that I was able to fight past my flesh and the enemy’s lies, in order to hear what God wanted to pour into my heart during this time.

As I continued listening and watching, eventually I was confronted with the question, “Is God truly the first thing in your life?”. This wrecked me, because I wanted to say yes so badly. I wanted to be the faithful Christian who never wavered, I wanted to proudly say that I seeked God’s truth relentlessly, and I wanted to say that I never put anyone or anything above Him... but I knew that just wasn’t the case. And if I can be honest with you again, since coming to know Christ almost three years ago now, I can say that Jesus has always been a big part of my life, but He hasn’t always been the first thing in my life.

Realizing that was as if everything clicked into place. I never understood why I was unable to wholeheartedly dive in with Jesus. I never understood why it seemed like God had favored others while I was struggling. I never understood why I was never able to get past my anxiety when sharing about Jesus. You can see in these statements alone, however, the obvious answer to all of these was because I put myself first—my feelings and my tainted preceptions of God’s love for me. I’ve never allowed Him to fully have the first place in my heart. When it comes to Jesus, I recognize that I have struggled and failed to grasp the fullness of who He is, what He has done for me on The Cross, and what a privilege it is to be loved by Him.

As I’m learning about my misplaced priorites and how I have valued my relationsip with Jesus thus far, I decided to pray. I didn’t really know what to pray for since it had been so long since I mindfully spoke to Jesus. However, in this imperfect, insufficeint, and weepy prayer in the wee hours, I asked God that if He was there and if He was listening, I was ready to let go. I wanted Him to be the first in my life, even if that meant He needed to take away everything else that was taking me away from Him. My worries about bills and school, my idols and relationships—I was finally willing to forsake them all for Jesus.

But, that’s the thing I had forgotten about the God we serve while in this rut and in my wandering... that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. Perhaps that is why we often find ourselves at dead ends (James 4:3) and must turn to Jesus because He is The Way. Moreover, if there is anything I’ve learned about God in the years since I’ve come to know Him, it is that He is a God of deliverence. When we ask God to show more of Himself, we can’t even begin to fathom how deep His love and grace for us really is... but that was what He was going to show me.

Up until this night in my life, most of my prayers have been about the things of this world. As He was bringing me to the end of myself, I needed to reset my heart and set my mind on the things above instead.

I have always asked God to give me faith to trust Him before, but now it was time for me to give Him my complete trust. I realized He has loved me so graciosuly and so unconditionally all along—even in my sin, doubt, and disobedience... but what would I discover about Him if I was obedient?

He has been asking me to surrender myself to Him for so long. And, despite not wanting to relinquish the need for control over my life, He has never walked out on me. And it’s funny... because this life I’m clinging so tightly to, isn’t even mine. He paid the ultimate price on that Cross—the one that I could not. And in return? All He still wanted was me...the sinner, the flawed, the unworthy, and the one who always lost her way.

“How precious did that grace appear the first hour I believed”

I asked God to help me understand the weight of what Jesus did on The Cross for me. God’s faithfulness didn’t relent, and my prayer to know more of Him was answered through music. I trust that because God knows me fully, He knows what music means to me, despite being someone who sings flat and is convinced she’s tone deaf. Worship music and music itself is often what I rely on when in need of consolation, joy, and even rest. However, during this spiritual rut, the worship songs I often turned to (though still so special and meaningful to me), couldn’t pierce through and truly convict my heart. But this was no feat for the Lord. He was going to have His way in my life and break apart everything I built, in order to rebuild His place in my life. This was simply just the beginning.

It happened the very next morning, when I stumbled across a song called, “Underdressed” by Gable Price and Friends. I don’t have to words to convey how this song made me feel, and embarrassingly, only tears could explain how it spoke directly to my heart the moment I heard it. This song led me to more of their music. The words in each of their songs I came across were so honest and real.

It made me feel small like a child—marveling at the all-encompassing love of God... being left in awe and at a loss as I try to somehow comprehend how we get to know Him, and a love like His for the rest of our lives.

These songs confronted the painful truth that we are not just imperfect people, but that we are sinners. And though we fall short of the glory of God time and time again, Jesus still loves us so, so, so much. It was astounding to see just even this small glimpse of God’s tireless love, but also heartbreaking to know how I could be the one so incapable of loving God at times. Whether it was choosing not to take five minutes of my day to just pray and give Him thanks, or to open my bible and read His Word, which is actually for my good. Nevertheless, He is not phased, His affection for us doesn’t wither away and He is still so pursuant of us and our hearts. I only hope I can continue to pursue His in the same way.

The Lord is not just walking with me, but He is leading me as I find my way out of this standstill that I’ve been in. For that reason, I can’t say I know what’s next because radically, fearlessly, and fully putting Jesus first in my life is something I have never truly done before. It is something I’m learning to do now, and as I’m sharing this with you, I am still in the midst of untangling it all. Even so, my hope is to continue to share who He is with you every step of the way in order to to glorify Him, and to love Him even more.

I pray that you continue to take heart, and as you come to encounter more of Jesus, may you remain hopeful in His love for you and trust that what you experience is part of an exceeding fullness you will come to know, but cannot yet even imagine.

From Jesus to the religious leaders of Jerusalem:

John‬ ‭10: 10-11‬

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.”

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“but still You dine with me” - The Playlist

I wanted to highlight the song and lyrics that convicted my heart and began to unveil to me the mere beginning of God’s endless and eternal love. I hope you may find the time to listen to them also.

Underdressed - Gable Price and Friends

I'm feasting with a King who left His throne for me. Forgiveness isn’t fair, but it’s my reality. He is holy and I am underdressed

Repentance - Gable Price and Friends

I built my kingdom, it collapsed at my feet. I nurtured my idols, they betrayed me. And I saw You standing on my prodigal street mouthing, "I love you”

Communion - Mark Barlow, Gable Price and Friends

I remember the days when I first fell in love, took what felt like an eternity. You got my heart to open up. I remember the dance of connecting heart to mind while You're in the process to convince me I'm Your bride

I need Communion, my bread and my wine. I need communion face to face. You and me locking eyes for eternity. I need Jesus

You never wronged me even when You make me cry

Galilee - Gable Price and Friends

The man who walks on the sea of Galilee, is walking with me

You Alone - Annsbert

The world might tell me that I need it all or the life I built was my reward but my soul will glorify You. Lord, though unworthy, You still saw me and my heart will sing for You alone

Infinite hunger You satisfied. No longer alone. My sin and my weakness You purified. You've carried me home cause my past is just a needle in the haystack of Your mercy

Touch Your Robe - Gable Price and Friends

Because on that cross You were thinking about me. When You robbed the grave you brought our victory. I wanna know You God. When You made Your heart my home, You didn't make me take my shoes off, You didn't care what I've stepped in. When You say I'm clean, I'm clean

Dead Man - Gable Price and Friends

If I reap what I sow, if you ask for I owe, I'd be a Dead Man

Scarlet sins have a crimson cost. You nailed my debt unto the cross. Its an empty slate at the empty grave, ransomed when the stone was rolled away

Touch of Heaven - Hillsong Young and Free

Lord I know my heart wants more of You. My heart wants something new. So I surrender all. All I want is to live within Your love. Be undone by who You are. My desire is to know You deeper. Lord I will open up again

I open up my heart to You now, so do what only You can. Jesus have Your way in me now.

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to bare my soul

though it never mattered much to me at first, I recently began to worry about my image and if I was being “godly enough” on my blog. I began to wonder how others would perceive me and if what I was sharing could mislead others.

I shared my doubts with my friend and she expressed many great truths with me, but one especially that I want to share with you. she mentioned that we as Christians are often too focused on looking godly, that we aren’t actually focused on God at all.

I then remembered that when I first began this blog, I knew it wasn’t because I had all the answers or that I was the model Christian. to be honest, it was to show the opposite. it was to share that if anything, I am far from being a “perfect” Christian.

I hope that as you are reading this (or if you have read any of my previous blog posts), you will see my heart in everything. I hope you will see that I am not always “godly”, I am often weak, and I am as frail as my feelings. But most of all, I hope you will see it is all the more reasons why I need Jesus. not because of who I am, but because of who I am not.

Psalms 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

this blog God poured into my heart to create has always been simply about sharing my flaws, my walk with Christ, and what God alone has done in my life. therefore, I trust that this blog is part of the Lord’s purpose for me so that others can see His holiness, glory, and love, despite how even I may fail Him at times. though I am weak, God is strong and He reminds me that I need not to have that strength for He is my stronghold. He is everything good, and He is everything I may not always be.

Matthew 9:9-13

‭‭ As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” He told him, and Matthew got up and followed Him. While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with Him and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked His disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Though doubts, and the fear of what others would say crept into my mind for a brief moment, I realized that I need not to protect my image when God already knows who I am and where my heart lies. I pray that we may not be people who are consumed with seeming “godly enough” by portraying only an image of godliness. I pray that we trust that by being vulnerable and honest, those who don’t know Jesus will know that God doesn’t expect perfection. I pray that we seek God’s word and truth before we seek validation. And lastly, I also pray that we do not fear what others will say, and we do not fear the world, but we fear the Lord.

Galatians 1:10

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Being a leader has never been one of my strong suits, therefore I know it is not be my role to lead, but to point you all to the Leader—to show that if God could somehow love and fight for someone like me, He can do the same for you.

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Hey there girl! What inspired u to make a blog? Tips on how to get started?

Hi there!

I’m so sorry if I didn’t respond to your message sooner! I never think to check my messages since I never thought I’d get any, so my apologies for the delayed response!

I know it sounds cliché, but I really do think God inspired me start writing my blog and making it public. I feel like God has always been trying to reveal things to me in my own life that He wanted me to share with His people. I couldn’t for so long though because I didn’t know how since speaking has never been one of my strong suits and I struggle a lot with social anxiety. However, God helped show me how writing has always been huge part of my life and is how I express myself best. God inspires me to not speak on His behalf (because I don’t have that authority), but to really speak what’s on my heart so that hopefully, maybe other’s could see God’s greatness and love through someone as insignificant as me.

I don’t have the best credentials as I’m still not the best at blogging and I don’t know what exactly makes a blog work, but my first tip on starting would be choose the platform that you feel most comfortable with. I’ve been using tumblr for 9 years now, so though it’s not exactly the best format for blogging, I know it’s what I felt most at ease with. I also truly believe that whatever you decide to share, it should be authentic to yourself. Whatever you hold close, whatever you’re passionate about, and whatever is on your heart, share it and don’t be afraid of what others may think. I know it’s scary to put yourself out there, but even if your blog only reaches one person, you may have possibly impacted that person’s life in a positive way. And even if no one reads your blog, at the end of the day, if you’re doing it for the right reasons and being true to yourself, you’ll realize though you are sharing it for others, it’s also for yourself and something you can self-reflect on one day.

I’ve heard people say that consistent posting is also beneficial and I can see how that can be if you want to make a lifestyle out of blogging. However, I really believe that sometimes the moment the thing you love starts to feel more like a chore and obligation than your joy and escape, that’s when it loses its magic and you can lose your connection to it. Ultimately, if you decide to start a blog, my biggest tip is to stay true to what matters most to you and always speak from the heart. 💛

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Ecclesiastes 2:11

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Your favour waits within the future, my dreams are small compared to Yours

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New Heart - The Playlist

The God we praise and serve at the high in our lives, is the same God that is ever present during our struggles.

These songs spoke to my heart during difficult times in my life this year and/or have continued to remind me of the comfort only God can provide.

May God continue to speak to your heart in ways only He can, and may you remain open and willing to surrender to His voice in whichever way it finds you.

1. New Heart - Mosaic MSC

2. Born Again - Cory Asbury

3. Sails - Pat Barrett, Steffany Gretzinger, & Amanda Lindsey Cook

4. You Alone - North Point InsideOut ft. Lauren Daigle

5. God That Saves - Iron Bell Music, Stephen McWhirter

6. Every Little Thing - Hillsong Young & Free (Studio Sessions)

7. I Am - Because You Are - Amanda Lindsey Cook

8. As You Find Me - Hillsong United

9. Into Faith I Go - Pat Barrett

10. House On A Hill - Amanda Lindsey Cook

11. My Portion - Isla Vista Worship

12. Even If - MercyMe

13. What Faith Can Do - Kutless

14. How He Loves - David Crowder Band

15. Tethered - Phil Wickham

16. 56 - Red Rocks Worship

17. Help Me Find It - Red Rocks Worship

18. Fountains - Josh Baldwin

19. Honey - King’s Choir

20. God’s Not Done With You - Tauren Wells

21. Good Good Father - Chris Tomlin

22. More Than Anything - Natalie Grant

23. Where Were You - Francesca Battistelli

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New Heart

I wanted to start of this blog with, “I’ll never forget that feeling” — the feeling of being spiritually high. But to be honest, I actually have forgotten what that feeling feels like. 

Earlier this year when I began to realize that I no longer felt that “spiritual high” anymore, I assumed something was wrong with my connection to God. So, I pleaded with God and prayed that he would bring me back to when my heart was on fire for Him, when I felt his presence the most, and when every good thing I had in my life was because I worshipped him.

But those feelings never came back.

Towards the end of 2018, I became fearful of the new year approaching. It had been one of the greatest years of my life - I had loving friendships, I experienced many new things, and I made unforgettable memories. Perhaps greater than all of these though, was my faith and my connection to God. He had blessed me  with so much in that year and I had never felt so close to Him before. Therefore, I was afraid that in the new year to come, I would lose all those things or that my connection to Him wouldn’t be as strong.

Truth be told, I never thought I would be one to struggle with my faith. I can still recall at times last year when I was sharing scripture and giving others words of encouragement during their difficult times. As I was trying to motivate them, I didn’t know that I too could fall out of my own faith. However, God often puts us in the very places we thought we would never be.

It began in mid-April as the time in my life when I felt the furthest away from God. I would often ask him to speak to me and to let his voice be the loudest in my life. I continuously wished that he would take me back to the way things once were. I spent so much time pleading with God and bargaining with him, as if having a strong faith would result in more blessings or His love.

I began to feel like this distance from him was his indifference in my life — that even though I knew He loved me, He didn’t love me enough to pierce through what I felt or the struggles I encountered. I also rationalized that this backsliding of my faith meant that I wasn’t enough for God. But it was actually I who didn’t think God was enough for me. His promises, his sacrifice, and his love for me no longer mattered because I couldn’t see past my own emotions and what I perceived as to be true about the God I claimed to know, but only knew about. 

I kept trying to recreate the way I once felt about God, and I was asking him to give me a faith like I once had. However, God was revealing to me that I had already felt all the things I could at those points and times in my life... He wasn’t going to allow me to go back to who I once was when I first met him. He was creating something new, and it was me who failed to recognize His voice over my own and in my life. And although his voice was no longer the loud roar I was once familiar with, it was still his voice despite now becoming a soft whisper. I just needed to be still and listen.

Since that time in my life, God has shown me that I don’t need to always have a burning fire that craves His love, his blessings, or this feeling of “nearness” to Him. He just wants me to have a heart that is truly for Him. He’s also shown me that to be in a constant “spiritual high” isn’t always realistic, and it doesn’t sustain or last. Sure, it feels good, but God isn’t just a good feeling. Though we may never be able to fully grasp who He truly is, we know God is The Way, The Truth, and The Life — and as frail humans, we know that those concepts are often difficult to follow and accept. But despite what I feel for God and what may be going on in my life, God is God. His words, his love for me, and his truth are greater than my own because it is not conditional, fleeting, or futile like me. My feelings cannot change the truth because God is the truth. 

I trust that God brings us to these points in our faith — the high and the low, not so that we can boast about the person we’ve become because of Jesus, but so we can glorify Jesus because of what he’s done. He wants us to see Him for who He is, and to know that he isn’t silent during our suffering or struggles. Although, it’s up to us whether or not we choose to listen or see his sovereignty in every aspect of our lives. This needs to be not just at the highs or the lows, but also during our triumphant climb to the top, and even on our painful spirals downward. 

It took going through all of this for me to see that God has never left my side, but it was I who walked away.

Though much of what I’m sharing with you today is all in hindsight, I know that I too may fumble again. However, after all of this, I think that if we remind ourselves to feel the weight of what he did on the cross for each of us, maybe then even after we begin to slip up, we won’t fall so far and we’ll trust that even when we do, He is still there.

Furthermore, my hope for you and I as we continue to navigate through this life that Christ gave to us, is that we allow his love to continuously change us so that we are not the same people we were when He first encountered us. He has not only given us a new life, but he has also given us a new heart. May we choose to never settle for a connection to God, but want for a relationship with God because to be stagnant in our faith with God, means we’ve stopped living in awe of The One who saved us from ourselves.