asdfdf1122222 - Tumblr blog

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todays my moms birthday and i think shed be 48? i have this horrible pit of anxiety in my stomach for basically no reason, i really dont know what i have to fear today besides maybe a few awkward interactions with family and even then who knows if the questions im dreading are gonna come? i feel like im being really dramatic about it but i dont know how to calm myself down

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whenever I’m sober I feel this deep rooted sadness that I can’t really name, it all feels like an exercise in seeing if money really can’t buy happiness. I feel like I’m losing a battle I didn’t know I was a part of and everyday I wake up with the dread of wondering what’ll happen after the war is done but the end never comes

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i was asked “how could you do it? where did you find the strength?” Like I had a fucking choice (lol) like it wasn’t another burden I felt I had to carry alone like there was really someone else who could’ve done it as well as I did??? Like she didn’t , basically, essentially, indirectly and in fewer words, asked me to. Demanded me? Required me? Begged me. Pleaded me. Left up to interpretation so your guess is as good as mine or anyones! I literally had nowhere else to turn but stand directly in front of it

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truly the best prose is written when im moments away from sleeping in the literal sense, in the permanent sense, in the biblical sense. it’s found between the hand moving, ticking between seconds and gone after hours. malleable and raw tucked in a corner and found again next fall. uncovered in the quiet before the storm and hidden in rubble of the aftermath. when ive convinced myself i can’t be well and poetic at the same time. “cut my teeth” or whatever the fuck pretentious people are supposed to say

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was it worth it?? the ache and the grief the love the hope the peace the knowing the discovery the acknowledgment the end??

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im LITERALLY broken waiting for something to push me around or pick me up and turn me into something new but it never comes!!! im left to pick up my own pieces wondering what went wrong and when but fully knowing how and where. im aching to be reset and molded into something unrecognizable by myself, the people around me, the people who won’t know me and the people who wish they did. i am going to be fucking stuck looking for whys behind what ifs and what nows. FUCK!!!!!!!

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i have a warm and inviting apartment and a lovely partner who feeds me and takes care of me, we dont worry about having to pay rent and we have a great life together but what good is all that if im depressed all the fucking time???? reading all my old posts where i was younger and prettier and thinner and excited for my future and wanting to explore the world and you know, my mom was alive and my family was happy and together and i lived w them- maybe i didnt have a lot of privacy but i had someone with me all the time and my siblings all wanted to talk to me. and i was depressed for other reasons still. i took everything for granted and now its all gone. i will always be a depressed person for one reason or another i guess, i might as well kill myself sooner rather than later

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im on my knees and at the alter again. im a valentine written on a broken man. was it worth it? 

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starting off 2021 by making a private tumblr blog like its 2012