asexualgarbagecan - Tumblr blog

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i do not “watch” riverdale. riverdale is not a show that you “watch.” riverdale is something you witness. akin to the divine. every week roberto aguirre-sacasa himself has allowed us to witness some kind of unhinged godly message beamed down directly from the heavens to our televisions and it is only the brave and devoted few who stand witness to the history unfolding before our eyes. the holy truths of the universe (homosexuality) being written before us

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working for the knife

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here it is.

after years of talking about it online, working on it on and off, discussing it with my friends, creating playlists, and sending drafts to anyone who cared, i am proud to reveal SPRINGFIELD.

for the unaware, the premise is simple: what if the simpsons was an edgy teen drama on the cw that mirrored the likes of riverdale? a horrifying concept to many, but an intriguing one to others. regardless of where you fall, i hope that you’ll read, share, and enjoy SPRINGFIELD. 

a labour of love four years in the making. i’m so happy to finally sharing it with you all.

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who can i blame for it? i say it runs in the family!  

(youtube)

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omg this is so late, but i listened to over 3 months worth of music

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castiel / i know the end

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Modern AU Phantom of the Opera, but it's all modern people with the original Erik from eighteenwhatever who is immortal for extremely stupid reasons that are immediately glossed over in favor of subjecting him to the horrors of modern life.

For instance, the new theater owners are a pair of elder millennial lesbians that got in on bitcoin early and decided to buy the opera house* because why the hell not, and upon recciving his first letter demanding pay, write back:

"Great! Glad we don't have to hire a new art director because everyone who applied is a pretentious shithead. Come up to the office so we can set up a direct deposit."

Because honestly? The maniac in the basement that rants about inventive methods of homicide in french is like, only the eighth weirdest person in the house crew, never mind the freaks in the actual cast. Highlights include:

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"Erik. My dude. You can't have live tigers on the stage. They're an endangered species and probably an OSHA violation."

"Who is this OSHA who dares dictate the how and what of MY theater? Do you fear them more than me, the Opera Ghost?"

"Its the new york state attorneys office, and yes. You'll only stab or hang me. They'll make me suffer. How about we put that baritone you didn't like in a tiger costume instead?"

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Erik getting into twitter beef and his managers allowing it because you couldn't buy this kind of publicity.

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Modern AU La Carlotta is played by Madonna, like in the Dick Tracy movie, but she's a parody of herself.

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The Author Takes A Long And Very Blatant Pro-Union Ramble For Half A Chapter.

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Erik Basementghost vs. CBT.

The Therapy technique, he's already familiar with and probably versed in the fetish from the 1800's. Modern psychotherapy though? Terrifying, please punch him in the dick instead.

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Erik is old enough to remember at least reading about the original Alexander Hamilton and writes to Lin-manuel Miranda about the inaccuracy of "jefferson should have been eating macaroni and cheese every time he was on stage."

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Erik having an enormous tantrum that he was not around during the Golden Age of Broadway. One of the managers goes down to his non-OSHA-compliant-former-subway-station he uses for an office and finds he's somehow acquired a twelve foot tall portrait of Lorenz Hart.

"What."

"My lost beloved from another time, I only learned of him far too late..."

"Weren't you alive then?"

"Yes, but alas, I was in the Atlantic for most of his career."

"AGAIN?"

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* it's not the paris opera house because I know fuck all about paris and because I feel like this extremely dumb AU is the sequel to this magnum opus: https://www.google.com/amp/s/muirin007.tumblr.com/post/190275380840/wait-wait-wait-have-i-not-told-you-guys-this/amp

So it's probably like, The Met, because that's the only american opera house I can think of at 2:30 AM.

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my bf and I have the same fucking brain

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It’s that time of year, again!

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I truly am obsessed with how Knives Out was like. Hello Daniel Craig, man who has spent the past two decades of his career being alternately beaten up and objectified playing an action hero with no personality. Would you like to please put on a shirt and an incomprehensible vaguely Texan accent and flex your character acting dark comedy muscles as well as your pecs for a while. And he's like BOY WOULD I and they made a work of art. Also love that they put Chris Evans in sweaters. Get your beefcakes then dress them nice make them soft and give them some bonkers character work to do it's what cinema needs more of

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Tag yourself I’m the “Overdressed and Underappreciated”. Artist : http://www.mattadrian.com/ 

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This slaps harder than anything the Beetles ever released

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all I do is listen to music and think about my silly little fictional people

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the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks

• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."

• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"

• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"

• "can a cake be tried for treason?"

• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"

• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"

• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate this....now they're dead."

• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"

• "im a fool, not an idiot."

• "its like reading directions to purgatory"

• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"

• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"

• "chop up your dehydrated cow"

• "it tastes like it's insulting me"

• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."

• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"

• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."

• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"

• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."

• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"

• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"

• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."

• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"

• "nixon wished it was this easy."

• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."

• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."

• "its uncomfortably appetizing"

• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."

• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"

• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."

• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"

• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."

• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."

• "are you just making things up? who are you??"

• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."

• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"

• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"

• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"

• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"

• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"

• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"

• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."

• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"

• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."

• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*

• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."

• "smells like dentures."

• "not bad dead people"

• "its incredible. and im mad about it."

• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"

• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"

• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."

• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"

• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"

• "call the U.N."

• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."

• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*

• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"

• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"

• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."

• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"

• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"

• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."

• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."

• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"

• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"

• "unconstitutional!"

• "its a breast implant"

• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"

• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."

• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"

• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"

• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."

• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"

• "ive baked a toilet."

• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"

• "why do dead people like dates?"

• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."

• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"

• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."

• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"

• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."

• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"

• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"

• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."

• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"

• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"

• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"

• "it already looks like the great depression"

• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"

•"don't tell gordon ramsey"

• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"

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POST PLUS PROTEST PHASE 2 : 48 Hour Edition

Here we are back again for a 48 hour log off protest of the current version of Post+.

WHEN?

October 2, 2021

12 am Eastern Daylight Time/Atlantic Standard Time

1 am Chile Standard Time/Brazil Time/Argentina Time

4 am UTC

5 am BST/London/West Africa Time/West European Summer Time

6 am Central Europe Time/Central Africa Time

7 am Moscow Standard Time/East Africa Time/Eastern European Summer Time/Arabian Standard Time

8 am Gulf Standard Time

9:30 am Indian Standard Time

11 am Indochina Time

12 pm (Noon) Hong Kong Time/Australian Western Standard Time

1 pm Japan Standard Time/Korean Standard Time

1:30 pm Australian Central Time

2 pm Australian Eastern Standard Time

5 pm New Zealand Standard Time

October 1, 2021

11 pm Central Time

10 pm Mountain Time

9 pm Pacific Time

8 Alaska Daylight Time

6 pm Hawaii Standard Time

If you don’t see your time zone, or unsure which to use, click HERE for the checker!

We’ll be running countdown posts leading up to the main event!

We’re logging off for 48 hours! So, for example, if you log out on October 2, 2021 at 1pm JST you’ll log back on October 4, 2021 at 1 pm JST!

Also! Our Australian friends, take note that daylight savings/summer time ends in certain territories on October 3rd!

WHY?

Exhibits A, B, C, D, E, F, G

Tumblr recently announced a new feature called Post+ meant to help content creators make money while keeping a cut to help maintain the site. Not a bad idea, right?

The problem is that tumblr actively encouraged the use of Post+ in conjunction with fan works. Which is, despite the way they continue to side step it, highly illegal. Not enough people are aware of that fact.

Our mission is to force tumblr to either rebrand the Post+ feature as something for original content ONLY and/or offer a means to help the site survive outside of monetizing fan work. We want the see tumblr thrive but Post+ has the potential for ruining everything. Give us a better option, @staff ! In fact, HERE are some options!

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

Optional avatar and banner to use!

[Image description : a square shaped color gradient image going from purple to blue to cyan to green. A large red prohibition sign overlaid on the words tumblr post+. /End image description]

[Image Description : a tumblr header color gradient image going from purple to blue to cyan to green. On the left side is a red prohibition sign overlaid on the words tumblr Post+. Underneath is the words log off protest in bold letters. On the right side is the words I am logging off for 48 hours. /End image description]

Banner credit to @adairctedgibbgirl ! Thank you!

You can also spread the word on ALL social media (Twitter/TikTok/Facebook/Reddit etc) and reblog this post. Another option, if you’re using the mobile app, is to leave an honest review (be polite, be concise, don’t spam) on the App Store of your choice! The best and easiest way to protest is DON’T USE POST+!

WILL THIS WORK?

We got tumblr to temporarily hide the original Post+ posts and possibly made wip a thing. So who knows?

ANYTHING ELSE?

Keep checking @postplus-protest for updates and further info, especially updates to this post! Thank you, all of you, for participating or boosting!

Remember to reblog, use the hashtags #postplusprotest and #tumblrlogoff2021, and SPREAD THE WORD TO OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA!