ashlayyy-03

[ashlayyy-03]

2023 Writing

what a complex paradox,

to think we choose

our battles yet always be at war

with ourselves.

to always be feeling inadequate

to always be feeling not enough.

to be paralyzed by sadness & happiness

all at once.

what a complex paradox to love someone

so full of fire. so full of life. of night and light and everything in between. when all along your worst demon was yourself.

what a complex paradox this life is.

[ashlayyy-03]

Jan 11 / 2023

im just a mix of words,

sad poems, laughs,

tears, scars - from my own

old perfume, broken bones

broken heart, open wounds.

i’m a mix of all the ones who lied,

who hit, who yelled.

who touched me, even when i said no.

i got a brain full of this or that,

i got laughs for miles.

i got enough love to fill,

an entire room, an entire sea.

i got beautiful men’s names

written on my back.

i got tally’s of all the broken promises,

the lies, the misconceptions.

all wound up tightly,

in this light complexion,

blonde hair, blue eyes,

box of bones.

[ashlayyy-03]

March / 12 / 2021

As I left the hospital room, I took one last look around and I struggle to keep the tears from coming down my cheeks.

It hit me — I’d never be HERE again, with a car seat in my husbands hand and my newborn secured safely inside.

He is our last baby.

I will never be pregnant again. And while that excites me in some ways, it feels like a raw cup of emotion.

I’ll never feel first kicks, last kicks or little butterfly flutters of an early second trimester baby bean growing inside my body.

I’ll never take another bump picture or buy another coming home outfit. I’ll never compare my unborn child to the week’s fruits or vegetable size.

I’ll never feel another contraction or wonder if a Braxton Hick is the real deal. If I should I put my family on baby standby.

I’ll never again anxiously await the arrival of a son or a daughter while wondering if I chose the right name for his or her cheeks and smile.

I’ll never again have that amazing feeling of accomplishment and excitement when the doctor puts my brand new baby on my chest for the first time. I’ll never see my husband cut another umbilical cord. He’ll never hold my hand as I scream and push INTO the pain.

And although I am so grateful to have the gift of being a mother, I can’t help but to smallishly weep this stage’s ending.

I can’t help but mourn this season of my life that has now come to a close.

I look forward to what the next season has to bring. Watching my only daughter blossom into a big sister, my all my children grow into big kids to teenagers to young adults becoming their own unique mom or dad - with their own childbirth and pregnancy experiences.

[ashlayyy-03]

I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for. I scrolled the apps, I sounded out names of men.

Left, swipe. Left swipe. Repeatedly. Over and over. So many males. Males. Not men. Searching for all the things I wasn’t searching for. I could have sex. I know how to have sex. The simple act of sex is quite simple.

But what’s not simple is the mind and all the ways it weaves. The way it hurts, learns, grows and heals.

Stop.

I will swipe right this time. His profile reads, “not the best looking guy…” but my blue eyes said, they said otherwise. He intrigued me. He had a story. Not like mine. Quite different than mine.

When all is quiet in my home. The loneliness creeps in.

“Hi Miss Ashley… what intrigued you?”

I know he’s a man of words. He has a story.

*ding*

There he is.

He was a man of words. I was right. Like often I am. His hair was jet black, he was nervous. He smelled like cologne, Indian cigarettes and has a brain of more information and life. Smoking was always a deal breaker for me. But something was different. I knew, it was his vice. Maybe one of them. Maybe I’m a vice.

I had shared a chamber of my heart with him. And he too.

His arms around me. I weaved through the layers of him. I traced his sternum. I traced the simple ink line. And listened to his heart beat. He talked.

I’d re do the night all over again.

Thump thump. Breathe. Thump thump. Breathe.

My heart beat. Thump, thump. Breathe.

/xoxo