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[ashovertroubledwater]

[ashovertroubledwater]

Try to take out my claws, expect a visceral reaction. Try to muzzle me up, I’ll lash out, I’ll bite back, and keep my options open.

[ashovertroubledwater]

The incessance and tiredness of this song are all too relatable

stood out for hours as you complained about how you haven’t seen your friends yet, that you’re too drunk to stand and you not knowing if you can love him forever.

[ashovertroubledwater]

To the version of me that has college-age kids

Remember how being this age feels. You would want to get out of the domestic cycle too if you lived with the same family for this long. You do, in fact, at this current time.

[ashovertroubledwater]

I took my childhood lessons far too seriously, and it has manifested itself into a deficit of personality. My mom drilled the idea of humility and ethical appearance into my head, so much so that it bled into even passing conversations. Humility turned into gentleness, gentleness into tameness, tameness into hesitance to be personable. My cookie-cutter, overly-positive responses to friends venting about life feel more empty each time I say them. I rarely challenge the beliefs of others, or even simple statements in throwaway conversations. I go into a therapist mode in offering solutions to the problems that plague the lives of my close ones. I stay safely objective when talking to people I don’t know that well. I don’t believe that exuding anything resembling a quirk is a flawed practice, but it does make my skin crawl to act out of the norm at work or in public. Attention drawn on me is attention that could be more valuably put to use elsewhere - there’s nothing to see here.

In actuality, there’s a world of things to see here. I like when my friends hug me without warning, even the ones who may not consider me that much of a friend. I’m the palest person born after 1970 to have ever danced to his own Donna Summer records. I excel in the eyes of every boss I’ve ever had, but would probably end it all if I lived a life resembling anything corporate or 9 to 5ish. I almost got my shit kicked in by the fiance of a girl I ran into at the DMV because there was some history there. I don’t dress the part, but I (in every way) fall under the same emotional grouping as the pop-punk kids who attend house shows for the sense of camaraderie. I hate when people say something sarcastic along the lines of “ooh sportsball” or “what even is a baseball?” every time I bring up the mariners, it belittles something I am very passionate about. I am a chronic yawner to the point where I yawn in THE worst situations. I really wish it was socially acceptable to be show more random or physical affection to people you aren’t even romantically attracted to. I can’t remember the names of people who introduced themselves to me 30 seconds ago, but can recite whole episodes of spongebob, a show I haven’t watched in years. At times I stretch even though there is no physical activity in sight. 

But that would be weird for everyone to know by heart.

[ashovertroubledwater]

What the fuck am i supposed to do with this?

[ashovertroubledwater]

Crucial Dudes

[ashovertroubledwater]

I decided to redo a project I did in my 2nd year at University, where we were asked to illustrate song lyrics of our choice into the form of a children’s book. 

I chose Summer Skin by Death Cab For Cutie.

It was my favourite project that I did in my entire 3 years of Uni and I really wanted to see how I could interpret it a few years down the line.

[ashovertroubledwater]

a plain white image, with two lines of text reading ““easier said than done”” in dark grey, and “reminders about self-esteem and confidence” in a horizontal gradient of light blue, pink, and green

A lot of things, especially when it comes to recovery, are easier said than done. That thought alone can discourage those who are struggling into not trying at all. However, a better way to look at the phrase “easier said than done”, is that being able to say those things is a very good start on the journey towards getting it done. This small series of resources is going to explore that idea.

Let’s take a look at self-esteem and confidence. Like our previous post on loving yourself, thinking positively, and recovering from feeling down or having a panic attack, being confident and having high self-esteem is something that everyone wants to do, and yet it is so hard to do, and so commonly absent. Negativity both online and within ourselves has become more increasingly present, which can heavily influence ourselves when needing to recover. It was because of this that the GRSHN was created.

Being confident and having high self-esteem may be easier said than done, but please know that you can get there. So please, whenever you’re able, try your best to take small steps towards saying that, and then you can start working towards doing it. Here are a few small tips and reminders that might help.

this post heavily ties into the first easier said than done about self-worth and loving yourself, so i would recommend that you read that one as well, if you would like to

improving your self-confidence is about appreciating yourself – both inside and out

being kind to your mind can be hard – but working towards positive thinking and furthering how you see yourself and your self-worth can help you in doing so

try this exercise:

write down all of the things that you are, right now – the good and the bad; try to be positive and kind to yourself, and not put yourself down too hard

write down all of the things that you want to be – take those things and realistically try and find small ways that you can work to get towards that

it is never too late to try again or change – you don’t need to wait for a new year, a new month, or a new week; you always have a chance, so take it whenever you’re ready

try the new things that you’re been wanting to try – see if you like yoga, or that new hairstyle, or that new styles of clothes; you’re allowed to experiment with yourself and find what makes you happiest

try your best to push yourself in small ways – maybe talk a little more in a conversation, or compliment yourself after you get ready in the morning; every little step forward is going to make a difference

recognise the mistakes that you make, but use them as opportunities to improve instead of opportunities to put yourself down – empower yourself whenever you’re able to

the only person whose opinion on you matters is your own – judgement can be terrifying, but please try your best to work towards fighting that in as many steps as you need to; it will be a long process, but it will be worth it, so keep it in mind please

it may be hard to have self-confidence if you don’t exactly know who you are yet, and that’s okay - just take all the time that you need to figure that out; i hope when you find those answers, that you can love yourself then

thinking positivity about yourself is not a bad thing, it doesn’t make you narcissistic or self-centred - you’re allowed to feel confident if that’s what you would like to do

be unapologetically you

I understand that the things above are “easier said than done”, but it is still important to say them, because that’s a start.

If you have any tips or reminders you would like to share about self-esteem and confidence, feel free to share them in your reblogs or replies.

I hope this could help, and I hope you have a lovely day today. :)

[ashovertroubledwater]

Brand New // Jesus Christ 

[ashovertroubledwater]

Determination is the gun-to-the-head thrill of knowing that, if I don't keep going, all my physical and emotional progress can be undone in a matter of days. Motivation is the transition from the sickness of forging a new habit to the nausea of breaking that habit, even for a day. Sleeping well at night is a freedom, but it isn't free.

[ashovertroubledwater]

We Lost the Sea, “A Gallant Gentleman”

Departure Songs is inspired by failed, yet epic and honourable journeys or events throughout history where people have done extraordinary things for the greater good of those around them, and the progress of the human race itself. Each song has it’s own story and is a soundtrack to that story.

This tracks tells the story of Lawrence Oates, an army captain and explorer who walked off into the freezing Antarctic night on a expedition gone wrong, in an attempt to give his life to save the rest of his team. He knew he had become a burden on his friends. He knew their chances of survival would improve without him. So off he walked, alone, into oblivion.

[ashovertroubledwater]

“There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

— Zora Neale Hurston; Their Eyes Were Watching God

[ashovertroubledwater]

A year on

   It’s high time I step off my carefully constructed throne of comfort and do a few things I hate: be honest with myself, and make an appraisal of my progress. The functional time frame will be in the scope of the past year.

    I broke for the last time around a year ago. I fell for the fuck-you, smear-your-face-in-the-failure words that I’d been tripping over for the better part of the past five years. I’m an addict in recovery, other people were my high. I allowed myself to get hung up on the corners of curved, pale lips and the no-less-crooked empty words that spilled out of them. I didn’t just hear and read those words, I inhaled them. I felt them more than the toes in my socks, more than the taste of my food. Promises and premonitions weren’t needed to feel amazing, they were needed just to function. I lived on the sureness of these words until I simply couldn’t any more. And unto the few I could entrust with my implosion, I collapsed. To come forth with the metaphoric needle in my inner arm, as I’ve come to realize, was the most important thing I’ve ever done. My loved ones, though few and far between, became my guardian angels. To be tearily begged not to hurt myself, to hold on just for one more night was more than the warmest hug could ever be.

   Since then I’ve fought like hell. I have clawed at the scaffolds of semblance and happiness, at first sans tact, and lately with poise and composure. I was I angry early on. I had never and will never feel a more momentous and directed anger toward a short list of persons, and rightfully so. I look back on those sentiments and think about how I was living an altered life for a bit. Letting go has been so cleansing. To not take personally the raging demons of others and their effects on me...it’s all so cathartic. I feel like a functional human again. No longer was my day-to-day life abruptly paralyzed 504892w-385920_9m532 times a day with the ghosts of people that never dotted their i’s in their i love you’s or crossed their t’s in their to the moon and back’s. I fell down a mountain just to reach the ocean, put my feet in the water, and dance. Alone, and blissfully.

  Though I have some people to thank endlessly and earnestly for their care or friendship in this past year or so, I have my own chest to beat. I got punched in the face and I was the one to wipe the blood from my nose and smile. I alone refused medication, believing in myself to fix me (being somewhat stubborn can be a double-edged sword like that). I alone can now run miles at a time. I alone have called you and also you out for the years and lifetime of bullshit you poured into my consciousness - and did so by looking each of you in your (dis)respective eyes. I alone have made more of a man of myself that the one that raised me, the one who left me with a useless blueprint and no model on how to do it.

   In agony I have found love. In loss I have found purpose. In discord I have found equanimity. I refuse to live inside the rage of others, to shake hands with the demons that aren’t my my own.

[ashovertroubledwater]

“I overcame myself, the sufferer; I carried my own ashes to the mountains; I invented a brighter flame for myself.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche; “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” (via wethinkwedream)

[ashovertroubledwater]

I don't think I'd notice a difference if my bed were to fall through the earth or float into space. I'd care more about recovering my CD's than limbs if both scattered in a car wreck. It would be nice to fill my lungs with water to finally feel pockets of air in them once again. There wouldn't be a difference in house arrest and the life I live now, I might commit a crime. I'd give these walls a nice persona, something soft and quaint. They'd listen to me day and night, absorbing my thoughts, applying validity to my existence. This night would not push up my next day if it could yank me out of this fugue state. Oh, how I've tried to frame the blurinnes with decorations. String about some lights on the hours and blend the agreeable colors of each day. All have turned a different shade of noise. I wish I knew the most silent route to escape this dull labyrinth of a body. I'd love to hear if the angels do in fact sing...just without having to leave the place my few loved ones exist in. Everything is slightly to the left I'm afraid to ask anyone else if the earth has tilted a few degrees for them too. I have a sneaking suspicion I was given the instructions to the wrong reality; specifically, nobody told me that growing out of the state of impressionability meant no longer feeling impressed. It would be great to huff out my chest and say "belonging is such a foreign concept to me!" The only (and paradoxical) sense of difference I have left to feel is that of the dichotomic distance between "everything FEELS foreign" and "nothing ISN'T foreign." Now I fill my time appraising the latter and reaching for the former.

[ashovertroubledwater]

Title Fight