ashtonjarrett

[ashtonjarrett]

Hello digital void, it’s been awhile hasn’t it?

There was a time when I used to come here to sort out my thoughts in the endless expanse that is what we humans call “blogging”.  A practice where amateurs play at writing. God things have changed since then. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was wrestling with the small things like my spiritual connection with an all knowing and omniscient cosmic force.  Little did I know the really hard work wouldn’t come until the other side of faith, becoming the proverbial sheep who had left the flock. Since then I’ve come to learn that everyone has a story and that trauma is the first and last companion in everyone’s tale.  Back then I used to think forgiveness was the last chapter to trauma; I can thank western christianity for that one.  But the truth is while I don’t harbor any hate for the source of my scars, forgiveness didn’t erase them and there’s not anything that ever will.  I used to think I was vulnerable and open with those closest to me but in recent years when I really let someone see those scars, let them truly see and not just look, I realized I was terrified.

But it turns out that while I thought I was navigating through the craziest couple years of my life and working through that fear, I got so lost...and I lost her.

Now the thing is that I don’t handle loss well at all. I can feel myself retreating behind my traumas as if to say “Look see!  This is why you don’t do this!”.  My brain can know why I feel this way while my heart is reminded why permanence is a luxury I’ve always envied of others.  But she’s the one in a million, the one fish in the endless ocean and she’s the one that gives me a reason to strive for the best version of myself.

I know I fancy myself a hopeless romantic, I mean who doesn’t love a tale of triumph in the face of adversity?  But my best hasn’t turned the tides and the ship is still taking on water.

But I won’t abandon ship.  I’ve got a lot of work to do and an uphill battle to fight but I’ll be damned before I let this be a story of “should haves” and “too lates”.  She’s worth it and if I can dismantle the scared quivering little boy who’s too chicken shit to get hurt maybe I can prove to her I’m worth it too.

[ashtonjarrett]

A Nation Divided

I am a straight white male of the working middle class who loves Jesus; and my heart aches.  This is not about Hillary Clinton, this is not about Benghazi, this is not about religion, this is not about emails and it is most certainly not about me.

I am not a minority, I come from a working class family and have suffered little to no adversity from my fellow Americans my entire life.  Due to the color of my skin, my gender and living in the 21st century I have by all accounts led a life free of persecution.  My heart aches because this is not the case for an abundance of human beings I love and cherish.  The choice that we as a nation have affirmed has dehumanized my friends and family that are gay, transgender, muslim, latino, black, women, asian; everyone that is not a straight white male.  

This is about more than a president, it is about someone else feeling human, feeling valued, feeling equal.  The fact of the matter is that more than two centuries later not all human beings are treated as equals in our country.  Yes, we are indeed one of the most progressive nations in the world and that is worth celebrating, but the fact remains my life is fundamentally privileged compared to my fellow Americans because of my gender and the color of my skin.

If you have never suffered from adversity for the color of your skin, your gender, your sexual orientation or your religion; you may view this as melodramatic.  But I promise you there is no greater crime than stealing away someone else's humanity.  

I voted for Bernie Sanders in the primaries and I voted for Hillary Clinton in this election.  I excised my privilege as an American to vote and both of my candidates lost, and there is no changing that.  We live in a democratic nation and I respect our process, but we all better damn well hold the gravity in our hearts for those whom this affirmation has disenfranchised, their hurt is not yours to judge.  For my friends and family who feel hurt, lost and afraid:  Take heart and do not be afraid of tomorrow; love always wins.

[ashtonjarrett]

Some books get even better the second time around.

[ashtonjarrett]

They make heartbreak sound so poetic and beautiful. Don’t be fooled. There’s nothing remotely beautiful about having to recover from someone’s existence in your life.

I am still recovering // personal (via sp0ke)

[ashtonjarrett]

Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.

(via youngfolksociety)

[ashtonjarrett]

Getting Back to the Beginning

I think I’ve had a hard time lately getting back to who I was and who I know I am.  When did I start losing interest in things like hope and trust?  Over the last quarter century life has just silently crept into my bones and spread a cynicism; a slow moving poison really.  Cynicism is ugly, it’s lonely and above all else it will rob you blind.  By no means have I lived some long and grueling life, but I’ve lived a fair bit.  I’ve met incredible humans all over the world and lived my life in a way I do not regret.  I don’t want to grow another year older if it means losing my convictions and pulling up anchors.  I probably sound incredibly naive, in fact I know I do.  But I refuse to understand what’s wrong with a healthy proclivity toward the convictions we held as children.  Fairy tales are appealing because we hope against the fear that they are a sham; there’s something in that hope that should never be lost.

[ashtonjarrett]

So I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship To sail these blood red seas and find your coast Don't let these waves wash away your hopes This war ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors Pulling fistfuls of rotten wood from my heart, oh I still believe in saviors

Dan Smith

[ashtonjarrett]

Shadows

...No good ever comes from living in another man’s shadow.  It rips apart your heart and with the utmost certainty will one day overtake you.

[ashtonjarrett]

Life is a winking light in the darkness.

Hayao Miyazaki

[ashtonjarrett]

Feels

[ashtonjarrett]

Messy

Sometimes I find myself stuck in my own head.  Naturally, I end up stringing myself up by each and every thought.  All of the could haves, should haves, would haves...I’m reduced to an introspective mess in a simple matter of minutes, all by my own doing.  

God, life is so damn messy.  Really, it’s hard to keep up with it all.

I’m a mess, you’re a mess, your neighbor is a mess; we’re all incredibly messy.  Everyone faces this struggle every morning the second they open their eyes.  Maybe his mess is a little easier to see than yours, or her mess is tucked away and wrapped up tight.  But the reality is, we all have one degree of mess or another.  Since the day we’re born we learn to live with our own little “messes”.  No one is more aware of each of your little idiosyncrasies and tiny quirks than you are.  But what happens when you invite someone and their mess into yours?

It gets a hell of a lot messier, that’s what.

[ashtonjarrett]

Cancer: The Cold-Hearted Thief

"An abnormal growth of cells which tend to proliferate in an uncontrolled way and, in some cases, to metastasize."

The day after Christmas the doctor delivered the diagnosis of stage 4 brain, lung and bone cancer for my grandmother...

I can remember sitting in the hospital room as the doctor recited the text book definition of what ailed my grandma.  I can remember the off white and grey interior.  The sterile and suffocating walls that threatened to choke me in my seat.  I don't remember much else.

It was like he hit me with a hook right in the jaw.  I shut down everything other than what was required for my mind to keep moving.  

What the doctor didn't tell me was that cancer is indeed a cold-hearted thief.  Every phone call and visit bring forth more evidence of his crime.  Stealing the warmth in her voice, stealing the genuine smiles, stealing away time and robbing her blind...

I'm not really sure why or what I'm writing to be honest.  Maybe the words are comforting.  Maybe I'm throwing my rage and assorted emotions blindly down what ever outlet I can.  But I can't help but feeling totally and utterly robbed.

If prayer is a part of your life my grandmother would so greatly appreciate your prayers.  

[ashtonjarrett]

More important than any sale you'll find today.

[ashtonjarrett]

I am a pilgrim – a voyager; I won’t rest until my lips touch the shore - Of the land that I’ve been longing for as long as I’ve lived, Where there’ll be no pain or tears anymore.

Thrice

[ashtonjarrett]

Do not judge a man by where he is, because you do not know how far he has come.

C.S. Lewis

[ashtonjarrett]

"You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering."

Ernest Hemingway (via givncvrlos)

[ashtonjarrett]

All the feels

"i’m free."

rest in peace, robin williams.