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[ashtraysystem]

CW: Compulsions, feeling gross, olfactory hallucinations

every so often i have an olfactory hallucination where when i go to put on some sort of shirt or usually a hoodie, my brain will smell my ex on it. and my brain assosciates the smell of my ex with dirt, grime, disgusting things. so whenever this happens i have the compulsion to take a steaming hot shower and wash my entire body with soap multiple times.

having that olfactory hallucination makes me hyper aware of the way i and the things around me smell, the oils on my skin and in my hair. it makes me feel gross and grimey.

i get panicked and icked out if i do something "wrong" or touch something "contaminated".

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invitation.

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You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.

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K. M. Walton, Empty

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forgive the person you were before you learned the lesson

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There’s no such thing as work-life balance for neurodivergent & chronically ill people.

This is because everything in my life requires work:

maintaining friendships

keeping up with my hygiene

managing bills

making money

remembering my basic needs

sleeping regularly

outputting creatively

All requires some aspect of work for me.

And when everything in your life requires work, your balance goes out the window.

If you're neurodivergent and overwhelmed — I see you.

If you're chronically ill and overwhelmed — I see you.

You're not dysfunctional.

You're not incapable.

You're doing your best.

[ashtraysystem]

the first step to recovery is acceptance.

accepting that you are living with an illness, one that you did not ask for nor is it any fault of your own.

accepting that you are worthy of a healthy life fully of happiness, love and healing.

accepting that healing is NOT linear.

accepting that healing takes time, and to heal is to feel.

accepting that you can get better.

accepting yourself for who you are.

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A 2pm appointment can take all day when you're autistic

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People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

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adhd moment

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sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

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As someone who was only told this by a doctor today after having a UTI for over a week now - don’t take anti inflammatory medication when you have one!

Apparently it fucks with your kidney in a way that works alongside the infection rather than against it, and actually ends up making it worse!

[ashtraysystem]

if you can’t eat a whole meal, eat half. you ate, that’s what is important.

if you can’t get out of bed, try and sit up instead of lying down. it’ll be better for your back and your blood pressure.

if you can’t shower or have a bath today, try and brush your teeth and clean your ears. it’ll keep you a little cleaner, and we often forget those areas. 

if you can’t get dressed today, change underwear and use some deoderant. it’ll leave you a little fresher until you have the strength to change fully.

and remember, i’m very proud of you. your best will look different every day, and that’s okay.

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nurse, seeing my toe bandaged up: !! what did you do to your toe?

me: oh uh dermatillomania, ya know, skin picking

nurse: oh i see, its to prevent it, right?

me: ....

nurse: ..right?

me: ..yes. (lying, i injured myself through skin picking and thats why its there)

nurse: *smh*

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that feel when you might have a uti for the first time in ur life -stress-

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Dear professor this assignment did not nourish my fundamentally curious soul so i did not do it No penalty full 100 points please Goodbye!

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part of me doesnt want to go to sleep out of fear of having stress dreams about privacy and invasion of my space again. its been really tough and idk how to feel safe right now even with locking my bedroom door.