ashwank-blog-blog

[ashwank-blog-blog]

Things got better

I mean, they didn’t, but the distractions are better than ever. 

There’s this dude I talk to a bit, really nice guy even if he’s one of those ‘think with the little head too much’ kinda guys. Keeps telling me to write poetry to express how I feel, but I’ve long since lost the inspiration for that, so I’ll try this blogging shite again. So... I don’t really know where to start. I still want to die, but in a way that no-one else gets hurt or misses me. I don’t think even an accident or illness can achieve that anymore. The pills don’t work. Sleeping doesn’t work, exercise doesn’t work, Video games don’t work. Going to work doesn’t work.

Unfortunately there’s someone else who does work, but she shouldn’t and I wish she didn’t work cos it’d make it possible to just ghost her. My intentions from day 1 were purely to make her feel better, at that point it was the same as anyone else. You message me at 2am with vague-but-not-vague lines about why some people do some things... I try to help. I promised I’d help and I think I did more and more, until one day I realised she was helping too. I’m being a dumbshit and I need to stop this. Can’t think straight lately, can’t understand why the feelings can’t be shaken off. I shouldn’t feel this way, I feel like I’ve taken advantage or “fallen into a pit”.

I guess the idea of a blog is to be 100% honest and put things out there in a vague hope to make yourself feel better so to be 100% honest I’ve fallen for someone I shouldn’t have. I know I shouldn’t, the best thing to do for everyone would be to just stop talking, walk away and stay away but... Part of me doesn’t think it’s the best thing for either of us.  I guess all I can do is enjoy all these times, drinking and smoking til 7am and lying in bed together, but remind myself when I’m alone that this isn’t what my heart thinks it is and should listen to my brain to build a wall between reality and what the heart wants.  She’ll get with him soon and I’ll HAVE to stop coming over, right now there’s no reason we can’t hang out and share a bed and all the other shit, but once she and him are official all the forehead kisses and all the stuff I love have to stop.  Probably shouldn’t have started them in the first place, but I think she started doing it because she wanted the physical affection and imagined him and... Well I’m just a retard basically. Whatever, home for a few days so it’s time to feel low I guess.

[ashwank-blog-blog]

The first of many bad days

Well, I got signed off sick for 2 weeks and my work mostly seem to understand. I think they’re understanding that I’ve been depressed for a long time, years in fact, and it’s not just the breakup that makes this a shitty time.  I still feel like shit, and I know this is going to be a reoccurring thing I type for a long time. I think I’m putting hope into everyone saying ‘time is a healer’ and I may also be trying to rush the process of getting over her. I can’t really rush it with all the things to think about like; - where I’m going to live - what I’m going to do with my time - how do I stop thinking about her - will I be able to work okay - is not having friends not a bad thing - what will I get from the flat, money wise and stuff  - will it be fair, will she hate me and how do I feel about that And everyone given me answers to these questions...  I’ll live with my dad for a bit and then find my own place, if I get enough from moving out I might be able to mortgage - it will be difficult but I think it’s what I need. I want a mortgage because I don’t want the looming “you’re not here permanently” contract bullshit over my head, I want to get a cat and the place to be mine. I just have to be sure I can afford it. I’m pretty sure I can, there’s some cheap flats out there, I just have to be 100% sure I don’t fuck up and have to move out. All the ‘hidden’ costs like maintenance and ground rent I sort of forgot.  My uncle said finding things to do with my time will come naturally, I want to get into the gym and exercise but I also enjoy spending time on the pc so it’s a mix.  Thinking about her is er.. Well, again, people have just said it comes with time. I’m at the worst part right now, I’m still living in the flat. I know she wants me out and I know all the things she wants to do. I think not listing them and forcing myself to not think about them will make this ‘easier’ I will be able to work okay eventually. I think now I’m on anti-depressants work and being a human being will be easier and in a way I’m hoping all aspects of how I feel get easier. I have internet friends. Quite a lot of them from the communities I’m part of so it’s nice and I guess there’s probably 1 or 2 friends I could meet up with but like I said to my dad, I don’t think I’d want to go out and make friends in the state I’m in now. Not that I feel like I’d be out making friends anyway, I think even with everything going on I’m probably just a solitary person. The flat stuff is a mess, an absolute mess. I want as much as I can get fairly, as anyone would. If I can get as much as I think I can without being an asshole, maybe an unfurnished flat isn’t so bad? The issues are basically whether she can afford to take over my half of the mortgage with her promotion. I really hope she can, but then where does the money to buy me out come from? It could come from other family members, as bad and ‘hurting my pride’ as that would be, it would work. I just know that the best thing at this point is to get out as soon as I can, it’s difficult to heal when I see everything around me that reminds me of the us that we aren’t any more. I don’t think we’ll hate each other, but I think things will get difficult and we’ll probably see a different side of each other. I don’t like what she’s doing, what she wants and why she wants it but then that’s to be expected... I am going to be a bit of a dick with the money side of things, as much as I will try very hard not to... I just want a life after this. I feel like although she had the deposit and put more in, spend the inheritance on stuff around the flat... She couldn’t do that in this flat without my salary either, I’m not gonna ask for stuff she’s bought but I need a life too at the end of this too. She gets the flat, she gets to be happy and she essentially gets what she wants. I don’t want any of this, as much as I see why it has to be done, so yeah... My main aim is to have a life after this. I do feel like the anti-depressants will help. I’ve been signed off work for 2 weeks for them to kick in and to sort as much as I can with the limit knowledge for the future we have.  I was gonna type more but too many other things distracting me, life is shit but I’ve not quite given up. I’ve gotten help and I’m clinging by a thread.  Hell, I’ll even and tags to this bullshit.

[ashwank-blog-blog]

Today

She left without saying good morning. I did the same thing, because I thought she needed the sleep but I was already awake.

It hurts.

[ashwank-blog-blog]

Wonder how long this will last

Welp, it’s been 6 years or more since I’ve been on this website. I’m pretty sure my idea of it being porn, feminist rants and cats isn’t as accurate as my judgemental mind believes it to be but we’ll see. I don’t really understand tumblr, but from what I gather I’ve unfollowed the 1 person I was following and I’ve blocked some weirdo who was posting dicks everywhere, so if anyone I know is reading this whilst you’re welcome to do so, just know I have made an effort to scrub this blog from any previous attachments.  I’m going through some shit, many people have told me to write down how I feel but one of the curses of working in an IT field is... Well, my hand writing isn’t readable. I have this issue where excluding typing or petting cats, my hands just don’t do what I tell them and writing is included in that. So, here I am. Life is 50 shades of shit right now, let’s break it down. The girl I thought was my soul mate doesn’t love me, and it scares me to think of how long she hasn’t. I mean, in retrospect I don’t blame her. She’s a fantastic human being and I’m a bit of a cunt. If it took me as long as I think it did to realise something wrong, what right do I have to ask for another chance? I’ve said a lot of things since I knew how she felt and some of them were hurtful, to her and coming from my own mouth. I just don’t understand how you can fall out of love with someone, nothing ‘big’ or typically ‘relationship killer’ has happened. Neither of us cheated, neither of us are abusive, neither of us have a reason to get out as soon as possible... To me, whilst I know it’s not true, she just woke up one day at some point in the last 6 or 7 years and realised I wasn’t the person she wanted to spend her life with. It hurts, more than my vocabulary can even begin to describe. It hurts to breath, it hurts to eat and it hurts to think. It hurts to wake up, it hurts to sleep and it hurts everywhere in between.

I’ve slept something like 4 hours since she gave me the final decision on Wednesday. I tried so hard not to speak in anger, but I do this thing where I say I’m trying not to do something and within 5 minutes I’m doing exactly that. I was, and still am, so angry. I wanted to be a dad, I wanted to be a husband and I wanted a family. I’m a simple guy, I wanted a job, a house, pets and a wife. The kid(s) were a pipe-dream that would’ve come further down the line, there was no immediate plan. But all that is dead. I don’t even know what I could’ve done to stop it from dying in all honesty. I mean, I know from what we talked about how I could’ve been a better person and I know it sounds so childish but I’ve taken it on board and I’ve changed. It wasn’t the type of change you’re forced into, I just lost my way in life and I needed someone to tell me to wake the fuck up. I needed someone to tell me that when my mum said “treat others how you wish to be treated” she was wrong. You treat others how they deserve to be treated and even then, sometimes you just treat people nice, it’s simple shit and for whatever reason I think my lack of understanding this simple human trait, is one of the big reasons we’ve broken up. She said on Wednesday night that she didn’t think we could even come back from this and in the ‘heat’ of the moment I said I agreed. I think it’s incredibly hypocritical of me to call her a liar and telling her I feel betrayed by her giving up because when the chips are down I basically did the same thing. This girl, I live for. I know it’s cheesy, but I really do. You see people describe their love by saying stupidass shit like they’d die for one-another or they’d do something ‘til the end of time but man, I’d attempt the impossible if it meant being given a chance to right all the wrongs going on right now.  I gave her nan the Christmas presents I bought last week, this morning. It was like 7:40 and since she’s a war child she’d already had her 7am lie-in, so thankfully I didn’t wake her. I wanted to go the night before after work but she didn’t come home til late and the last thing I want her to think is I’m following her or being a creepy stalker. So I turned up in the freezing cold and gave her nan the little bag of shitty presents that my shitty hands wrapped with shitty sellotape and you know what she says to me? “Things not going so well?” shortly followed by “Well I hope we see you at Christmas”. I wanted the world to swallow me right there, I just numbly said “I don’t think I’ll be there” and excused myself to go to work. She then sent me a message on Facebook a few minutes later just to say thank you and repeating the seeing me at Christmas thing which... Whilst nice, I didn’t have a reply to. I wish it stopped here, but the next bit is what killed me. I wrote a little note in the bag, it started off as just a way of telling whoever gives them out whose presents are whose, but I ended up writing something stupid like “Merry Christmas and thank you for everything”... It wasn’t meant to be some over-dramatic teen bullshit but I guess it comes across that way. Anyway her nan sent me another message about an hour later saying she didn’t realise it was good bye and... “You were like an adopted grandson”. Had to take a moment to blink back tears even writing that, so we won’t speak of the little cry I had in the office toilet. This family did things for me my own family couldn’t do, so when I said to her in a reply “You were more family than my real family a lot of the time” I really meant it. I was gonna type more about that but... It hurts too much.  We’ve got to sell the flat. All that stuff, from 2 years of building a life, has to be moved, binned, stored, sold... Then there’s the fish, I’ve killed so many fish I don’t think I can even look at them without feeling like the worst kind of person. The reasons behind killing them were genuine most of the time, they were either sick and dying anyway or we had no option but I mean this time... I really got into it. I really enjoyed setting up the tank and learning how it all worked, learning their names and their ‘breeds’ personalities and just learning to get involved with something that she liked. Not to impress her or for any stupid reason, just because dismissing something you don’t like before you’ve really tried it is a terribly ignorant thing to do.  I’m also gonna miss the cats. I get daily cuddles. Dodger was on my lap for hours last night, I wasn’t doing anything and had no reason to get up so he just slept on me. I never had indoor pets growing up. The closest we had was one time we let the rabbit in the kitchen, or when we found frogs in the garden. I never had this ‘need’ for living company. I sat alone in my room with the tv and a laptop and smoked, drank and ate. When I went to bed, whilst I was crippled with loneliness I never knew what it was like to have a living thing to keep me company. Now I do, but I also know I’m going to lose them. Sure, I could get another cat or maybe even a dog. But, and as dumb as this sounds, these cats are the closest thing I’ll ever get to having children with her. They’re the closest thing to a family and to a future I could make an effort to live for. Whilst they’re not gone yet, they may as well be. As hurtful as it sounds, I wish they hated me just to make it easier to walk away and never see them again. On top of the breakup, I’ve been down for a very long time. I was diagnosed with ‘manic depression’ when I was 16. They gave me pills that I refused to take and I dragged my ass through college as best I could. I’ve not quite had suicidal tendencies, but I’ve not exactly looked at life as anything other than a happy coincidence. I was the winning sperm, congratulations to me, fuck the rest. I’m trying to get help for this... Talking and being honest with people is difficult, albeit the amount of talking I’ve done compared to 16 year old me you’d probably not even believe we were the same people. I have a meeting at the hospital on Monday in which I’m not exactly far off just asking to have some meds thrown at me. Just enough to make me numb. I’ve not been happy in a very long time, so long in fact I don’t even remember so I doubt I’d miss it. I just can’t take these low points, I have no real escape. Everywhere I go reminds me of something I no longer have or a mistake or a thing I failed at and it crushes me a little more every day. I’m not brave/stupid/selfish enough to take my own life, though it has crossed my mind more times than I would like to admit. I don’t think it’s fair to hurt the people that do care for me, or even just the colleagues that I’ve confided in. But I also don’t think I would move from a derailed train or a swerving vehicle, in fact my one concern would be whether or not it would be enough to kill me, or just cripple me. I think that scares me a lot less than it should. I might make more posts. I might not, I wanted to make a point of finishing posts with something meaningful just in case it is my last one, but realistically nothing I can think of would sum up how I feel now, so I guess I’ll just try “I’m sorry.” A

[ashwank-blog-blog]

<3

[ashwank-blog-blog]

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy." They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life.

[ashwank-blog-blog]

[ashwank-blog-blog]

I don't even.