ask-miss-harshwhinny

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Actually, you will find we are excellent students. There is a difference between being an expert and being a teacher. An expert knows things. A teacher knows how to help others know things. And, unfortunately, while you are certainly an expert in some matters, you have not demonstrated a capacity to lead the learning of others. Case in point: Your children. That said, it is certainly possible for you to learn how to teach. Actually, maybe you should be a STUDENT at Twilight's school! Enroll now!

I would rather shave myself bald, catch the clippings in a bowl of water, and eat the resulting soup. Thank you very much. The School of Friendship is an absolute mess, the end result of policies that elevate national heroes to positions absolutely outside their range of competencies.

As for your earlier point, you have not yet proven to my satisfaction that your incapacity to learn was due to anything other than your own incompetence, and I believe the burden of proof lies upon you in this case.

I believe this because it is relatively convenient for me to do so. And that is my prerogative.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

You know politics. How did the Apple family wind up the judges of what we can and cannot say on the aethernet?

You misunderstand (unsurprisingly). The Apple family does not dictate whether or not you are able to say things on the Aethernet. It only appears that they do, because of the repeal of something called “Net Neutrality.” Under the current system, large apple-growing consortia (the Apple “family”) are able to pay to create Aethernet “fast lanes” for apple-related Aethernet traffic, giving all other traffic effective second-class citizen status. This means that everything on the Aethernet not related to apples is still there, it will just require lots and lots of patience on your part; transmission of data to and from orchard-related sites is accomplished in a matter of microseconds, whereas your favorite page about being a layabout will take roughly three days to “load.” This specific example would suggest that the system is working as intended for the betterment of society.

However, I have encountered some individuals who honestly wish to know more about the Equestria Games (on which I am still the world’s leading expert) and since this is not an explicitly apple-related topic, they have encountered certain roadblocks. I suppose I could pay to make all Equestria Games-related sites very fast, but I will be honest with you and admit that the Aethernet may be too broken to fix by throwing money at it. Not for me the role of dedicated ship’s carpenter, nailing planks over breaches in the hull even as water rises to her hocks. No, in this situation, you will find me speeding away in my luxury escape yacht. The final snuffing-out of great promise is easier to bear in the presence of a fully-stocked nautical wet bar.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Let me explain my absence.

Yes, I quit my teaching job at the School of Friendship. The consummate lack of professionalism was simply too much for this mare to endure, and as I am a pony of nigh-insurmountable endurance, this should be seen as no small matter.

However, it seemed for a bit that the old adage “When Princess Celestia closes a door, sometimes she will subsequently sneak into your home and open a window” might be a true one! I was almost immediately offered a position at a brand-new, fully-accredited Friendship University in Las Pegasus. Obviously, I detest Las Pegasus--even the name sits poorly with me for some reason--but this seemed a wonderful opportunity to inculcate professionalism in this otherwise-dismal town!

Sadly, there were many difficulties inherent in dwelling in a media-forward town. Whenever I would view an up-and-coming film at one of the many fine cinemas in Las Pegasus, I would subsequently engage in one of my favorite post-film pastimes: speaking in a loud voice in public places about all the secret plot twists and such. Since I have no regular coffee dates, I would frequently do this while sitting alone in a crowded restaurant.

Imagine my surprise when I was told that these films were “leaked early” to the Las Pegasus market, and that my loud, rambling monologues about them were considered “spoilers.” I have no pity for those who simply do not muster up the gumption to see the latest film, but what if their local cinema simply would not play the media in question for weeks or even months? I certainly would not expect ponies to come to Las Pegasus for this--as noted, it is a terrible city and I hate it.

So, I was shamed into silence. Every time I tried to communicate about a new bit of entertainment, I was forced to either (a) “spoil” things for half the country while remaining relevant for the other half, or (b) appease the spoiler-averse and, in doing so, appear vastly behind the times to my big-city contemporaries.

Also the school I was teaching at got shut down over plagiarism-related concerns. So perhaps they were not so professional as they seemed at first blush.

So, here I sit in my luxurious suite at the Adagio, hammering away to you ponies, and this brings us literally to the present moment. The summer film season has drawn to a close, and no one seems to care as much about spoilers at this point, so I feel a bit more unfettered in my words. It is the eve of a new year, and while this remains an entirely arbitrary demarcation point, I hope that all of you succeed in being better ponies, starting tomorrow.

For my sake, at least.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Ahoy ahoy.

Are we good here yet? Have we cleared the riff-raff out of the room?

Good.

I have seen a lot of “aethernet drama” circulating ‘round this “blogging” platform about the banning of explicit material. To the administrators of this “blogging” site, I say: Right on!

I have long been under the impression that lascivious urges are something absolutely to be ashamed of. If you are an artist, and have an urge to create something that is somehow “wrong” or “outside the public concept of good taste” or “a thing that a decent, moral pony might find objectionable” you should absolutely squelch that creative urge and channel your artistic inspiration elsewhere. Perhaps you could try quilting. It is like art...that keeps you warm! I believe that I just “blew” your “minds” with this idea.

In any case, it is clear to me that acting on your erotic passions is almost never a good idea. Terrible things come of it, such as daughters.

This has been your wisdom for the day. Cherish it as you would a fine jewel.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Ms. Harshwinny, having heard stories about Ms. Rarity, Ms. Fluttershy, and Ms. Dash adventuring across Equestria, I ask: do they ever show up for their classes?

I will not gloze with you; I once heard the bright young pony named “Sandbar” remark, “So, who’s the new sub this week?” when literally regarding Professor Rarity.  I suppose it is possible that there was some measure of irony to it, and I would fully believe this had the speaker been that dreadful Smoulder or the equally-dreadful Gallus; but Sandbar seems to be a pony of general earnestness who simply needs a bit of discipline to exorcise that “laid-back” attitude of his.  My read is that Professor Rarity’s classes have been so stuffed full of substitutes that he fails to recognize his actual assigned pedagogue.

This is what happens when you give a teaching job to a mare who runs three entire dress shops, two in exceptionally large cities, and who yet refuses to mass-produce garments and instead insists on hoof-making each one individually.  Yes:  Every. Single. Dress.

Professor Rarity has the frail constitution typical of any unicorn, but even if she was possessed of the basic industry of an average earth pony, there are only so many hours in the day.  Something has to give, and it has become increasingly apparent that that “something” is her teaching responsibilities.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

I have no idea why it takes a magic-devouring, world-crushing tyrant to get some truth into the world, but here you have it.  I also have no idea who in Equestria had the brass canards to run an Aethernet connection straight into Tartarus, nor who maintains same, but right now I am so refreshed I cannot think about practical matters.

DEAR FAT MORTAL,

THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT TO GRASP. IF YOU CONSUME MORE FOOD THAN YOU BURN OFF, YOU WILL GAIN WEIGHT. TO LOSE WEIGHT, HOWEVER, YOU MUST BURN OFF MORE ENERGY THAN YOU VACUUM IN. THAT MEANS GETTING OFF THE COUCH, PORCINE EQUINE!

EXERCISE MAINTAINS THE BODY AND MIND. IT IS ALSO SURPRISINGLY GOOD AT KEEPING ONE SANE WHEN IMPRISONED IN TARTURUS FOR A MILLENNIUM. I RECOMMEND LIFTING. PERSONALLY, I ENJOY CREATIVITY IN MY DAILY REGIMEN. IT TURNS OUT YOU LITTLE PONIES HAVE SOME USE AFTER ALL.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

I've been told I should trust a sales-mare of my distant acquaintance "as far as I can throw her." Assuming average build on her part and average throwing ability on mine, how far is that? Estimates on the aethernet vary wildly, so I thought I'd ask an expert. Thanks.

Look, it’s not all about weight and build ratios.  If ponies of basically identical builds were able to consistently throw the same weight for the same distance, there would be no real sport in the hurling events.  It is all in the matter of technique, Anonymous.

For example:

Will you be swinging the salesmare in question about in several circles in preparation for your throw (as with a hammer), doing a short runup (as with a javelin) or merely hurling her bodily from a standing position (as with a shot put)?  Furthermore, is the salesmare an earth pony, pegasus, or unicorn?  You would think that a pegasus would give you the best distance, but as usual you would be wrong.  Unicorns are actually probably your best bet; that horn is eight kinds of aerodynamic on a straight throw.

Sadly, Prince-Consort Shining Armor is unavailable to be asked, crushed as he is beneath the iron hoof of his wife, who is herself crushed beneath the iron hoof of Princess Cinch.  Poor stallion has been twice-gelded.  Such a shame; he has brilliant mare-toss technique.

Back to the question of “you, and how successful you will be at salemare hurling.”  I think we can safely say there are too many variables to accurately predict, but I would prepare for lukewarm results if I were you.  It is nothing personal; it is just that most ponies I encounter are complete failures at everything they attempt to do, and odds are you are no different.

I mean, that’s just science.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Chivalry, I report I was largely successful. Today's attempt lacked body and was somewhat chalkier than I remember from the restaurants BUT free from sediment. Thank you. -- Kitchen Crusader -- p.s. My recipe this time suggested some lime zest. It adds a splendid citrus note to the concoction.

Thank you.  I shall report this news to Chivalry, who is currently on bed rest from dropping horchata-making supplies on his hoof.  Honestly, with his tendency to injure himself on my cooking equipment, or the extremely heavy weights I keep around for hurling purposes, or my conservatory full of pet alligators, I wonder if he was some sort of biathlon-fancier in a past life.

Not that I hold much store in that sort of thing, mind you.  It has always seemed like some lazy excuse to imagine more existence in order to indefinitely postpone self-improvement.  I have worked long and hard to become a perfect specimen of earth pony perfection, and the thought of being arbitrarily assigned some other existence by an inscrutable cosmic wheel of destiny is more terrifying than any fantasy of flaming Tartarus you could describe to me.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Thank you Chivalry. So far I've only started with raw rice. The agar is a new detail for me. I shall try this.

Chivalry here.  You’re quite welcome!  Please let me know how it works for you.  In my experience the process is so consistent, however, that I daresay you would have to live in an alternate universe entirely for it to fail.  I’m actually dictating this very entry while mashing rice with my mortar and pestle.  Working on new techniques for the preparation of horchata is proving a welcome relief from the IG(e)’s rather more labile fits of temperament lately.

Just between you and me and the entire Aethernet, I’m not certain she’s completely happy here.  The IG(e) rarely understands ponies at levels of perfection beneah her own (i.e. everypony).  She has witnessed countless wonders and horrors and is possessed of an unfathomable sum of knowledge.  She is a pony who truly believes that her absolute vision of professionalism is just and right, no matter the pain and suffering its fulfillment might require. She is a being for whom the ends truly justify the means. The Inspector General (emeritus) simply does not comprehend the equine concept of failure, for she has never encountered a difficulty she could not overcome.

Is perfection is a flaw in and of itself?  Can the unassailably perfect never possess perfect empathy, as they are never fully capable of seeing the world through the eyes of the imperfect?

These are weighty thoughts for such a OW OW MY HOOF CELESTIA LOVE A DUCK WHY ARE THESE MORTARS SO HEAVY

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Miss Harshwhinny needs a wig. Her mane looks like some infected water.

I MEAN

THESE AREN’T EVEN QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT

YOU ARE ALL TERRIBLE STUDENTS

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Dear Chivalry, Your mistress Miss Harshwinny frequently mentions your (presumably standard meeting) Horsechata. I have tried making it from scratch myself using rice (tiger nuts being unavailable in my district) and my results are always gritty, even after multiple strainings. What is your recipe? Thank you, Kitchen Crusader

Hello!

The Inspector General (emeritus) has me upgrading the security on her aetheric teletype device after yesterday’s debacle, and I noticed this message for me waiting in the bin.  What luck, eh?

The IG(e) frequently purchases her horchata imported, for the sake of authenticity.  Either that, or she sends me to import it for her.  I do not mind the airship travel so much; steerage is actually quite comfortable, and the constant thrum of the propeller fans is a balm for my constant tinnitus (which I picked up after one too many alligator attacks).

On the rare occasion that I am tasked with preparing rice horchata, I use a very mild agar solution to trap excess rice sediment.  First, you take a small amount of agar (two tenths of a percent by total weight of liquid) and briskly whisk it into the first third of the liquid.  Bring this to a simmer until the agar is hydrated, then slowly whisk in the remaining liquid, keeping the temperature at about 35C.  Once everything is whisked together, set the whole mixture in an ice bath.  Once it is set, break the agar gel with the whisk and sieve through cheesecloth.  The agar will trap the sediment in its gelatinous lattice and the liquid should pass through quite cleanly.

Also, and this may be a silly question, but are you pre-boiling your rice, or are you crushing it from the raw state?  The latter is more traditional but pre-boiled rice (while creating a more rice pudding-y end product) will dramatically cut down on sediment.

Let me know how it works for you!

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

(in character)(answer publicly please)Ms. Harshwhinny. Professionalism sucks.

What do you mean, “in character”?  Ocellus?  Is this you again?  Stop submitting questions to my “blog”!  Bad enough that you outright broke into my aetheric teletype device, but this!  This wanton disrespect for professionalism will not be tolerated!  I will take this before Headmistress Sparkle, see if I don’t!

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Is it true HRH Twilight hired a changeling as a substitute teacher?

BLOOH BLOOH BLOOH!  I’m Ms. Harshwhinny, our professionalism teacher!  I talk in a super-overblown swoopy style and I think that good security on an aetheric teletype device involves a voice and facial recognition lock!  BLOOH BL–hehehee (snort) stop it!, Gallus!  I mean it!  I’m doing the–okay wait, shoot, it’s still recording.  Guys, I need quiet for this!  Ahem ahem ahem–Hello!  Like I said, I am Ms. Harshwhinny!  I am here to tell you that turtlenecks are dumb!  And that’s why I wear one, because I am dumb!  In fact, many things I do are dumb!  Why just today–Silverstream stop it!  Seriously!  Okay like I was saying oh frass she’s coming back switch it off swi

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

What subjects did you teach? And how'd it go?

Professionalism!  And horribly!  in that order!

Oh, it started out all right.  We opened under the good graces of the EEA with full accreditation.  All the students seemed appropriately bored and unhappy, which is the natural, expected mien of the student.  It is how you know they are learning.  Everything was going so well.

…until a great whacking gob of the students were kidnapped by a changeling infiltrator oh wait we actually knowingly enrolled it.  I can only assume that the goal of this attack was to destabilize Equestria’s position on the world stage, and it succeeded in spades.  A war was narrowly averted by some sort of daring rescue mission, but the damage was done.

So, yes, the EEA has revoked our accreditation for failure to ensure adequate levels of on-campus safety.  And, instead of throwing ourselves at Chancellor Neighsay’s hooves and working slowly back into the EEA’s good graces, H.R.H. Twilight has decided to go full kombucha-drinking hippie on all our docks.  Fail to meet the EEA’s rigorous standards?  “No problem!” replies Her Highness.  “I will just write my own guidelines at a level I know I can succeed at, and declare myself successful!”

Did I mention this advice came from the leader of a backwater anti-Harmony cult who has worked herself deeply into the princess’s counsel?  No?  Well, consider it mentioned.  Sweet Celestia, there are not enough brandy old-fashioned sours in all Equestria to make this seem acceptable.

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Yes, of course!  Parents, send your offspring to our now totally unaccredited school!  Good luck with getting your credits to transfer and with obtaining professional licensure, but it will all be worth it when your children have the opportunity to be kidnapped by enemy combatants and spirited away to the heart of a dangerous forest, where they will be very nearly murdered by wild animals.

At this point, we deserve the international incident.

Today I have an announcement to make! It’s something that’s been in the works for some time, and it’s finally ready to make known. I’m quite proud and excited, and I hope you will share my enthusiasm!

The School of Friendship is open and accepting students! A place where everyone can learn about the magic of friendship, make new friends, and thus one day spread the ideals of friendship far and wide!

Lodging is available for all students, and we have a curriculum filled with both fun and insight, taught by the best teachers I could hope for. It is located in Ponyville, so you will have many opportunities for fun after school hours as well, perhaps even a visit to Canterlot.

If you or perhaps a younger relative would be interested in attending, you are certainly welcome to apply. I know my newsletter reaches beyond Equestria to some extent, and we accept all kinds of creatures, so don’t feel like you won’t belong if you aren’t a pony! We already have changelings, dragons, griffons, hippogriffs and yaks as students, and while we are all different, we can learn to work together and get along.

To apply, simply send a letter to the below address, explaining why you wish to attend, what kind of creature you are (in case we need to make special accommodations) and when you can start your studies.

Attn: Starlight Glimmer School of Friendship Ponyville, Equestria

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

Ms. Harshwinny, you know one of the truths of Equestria, is that monsters are just ponies you don't yet understand? Take a few breaths and work in from the big fears. First, are any of the youngsters equniophages? You've run the Games, you can handle this. -- Bland Reassurance

Oh, yes, of course, after all, it’s not as though any of the students belong to a species that literally attempted to overthrow the entire government six years ago OH WAIT

Nor do any of them belong to a species that was willing to declare outright war upon Equestria because the accommodations prepared for their diplomatic corps were not manifestly indistinguishable from those available in their home country OH WAIT AGAIN

BASICALLY DO A LOT OF WAITING IS WHAT I’M SAYING

[ask-miss-harshwhinny]

SWEET CELESTIA

CLASSROOM FULL OF LITERAL MONSTERS STOP