ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog - Tumblr blog

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

hey, Craig, how are things!?

Pretty gay.

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Just hit 100 followers and all I gotta say is

Why

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Hey what kind of shows do you like to watch?

Red Racer.I still watch it every day.Also Cosmos. That shit is cool.

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Okay then, if you've answered the stupidest shit Clyde had done, what's the smartest thing Clyde has ever done/said?

Are we talking about the same Clyde? Cause last I checked this fucking guy has had brain damage since we were kids and the smartest thing he did was put a pop tart in the toaster the right way.Don’t get me wrong, love that kid to death and will murder anyone who fucks with him but dude.

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Sure, chocolate and peanut butter are a great combo, but have you ever tried

And

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Hey there! I hope this blog is still alive? (I found it today) Maybe? Maybe not? If it is, then Craig, out of all the stupid shit Clyde has done, what thing was the stupidest? If not then... ???

The dumbest shit? Jesus let’s sit the fuck downSo me and Clyde were in band class. This was about ninth grade and I’m in the middle of tuning my fucking bass. I look over to Clyde to ask him where the fuck he put my pick and I see this fucking moron chopping up some god damn altoids. At this point, i has no idea what he’s doing so like a good fucking friend I asked.And what does this dumb bitch say?“I’m gunna snort it like its cocaine.” And you fucking know what? I let him.

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Hi Craig! Some questions for you! 30. How often do you masturbate? (by the way: yr day record?) 31. Age you started masturbating? How did you discover/learn about it? 35. Have you ever masturbated to the point you got sore? 41. How big is your penis? 60. What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had? Thnx! Bye! pinco pallino

30: Oh uh fuck- Like... every day? 31: I think I was 1135: Yeah41: It’s  [Censored]60: Ooooh man, I think it was like 2 days at Coachella and I was high as balls

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Story time #stoppedcounting

So apparently my school has decided that it’s perfectly acceptable to have a drag race during finals. And who decided to join but none other than Kenny fucking McCormick in a black dress and stiletto heels longer than my cock. No, I’m not telling you how big the heels are but do the math, these heels are too fucking tall. How this twink ass blonde didn’t break his back baffles the mind. Anyway, how good his ass looked in that dress is not the point. The point is that Kenny god damn McCormick showed up in a dress to my photography class, sat on my desk, spreading his legs and asked me to , AND I FUCKING QUOTE, “I want you to give me a photo shoot good enough to fool playboy.” And do you want know fucking why? To fool Eric Goddamn Cartman into thinking he was a top model from fucking Russia.

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Story time #uuuhhsuckadick

Okay so like, finals have been crazy, Trish just had prom and this shit was wild. She got asked to go by this girl named Karen and that shit was the cutest god damn thing I’ve ever seen. anyway, onto story time number whatever.  So during finals week I left clyde alone while I studied in the library.  I was gone maybe three hours And what do I come back to? Clyde half asleep in a bathtub filled with tacos. I hope he gets heart disease.

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Story time: Part whatever

So today is the day I kill Clyde Donovan. 

I have put up with everything from him, I’ve gone over the one rule I have a million times. I have warned time and time again.  But does he listen? No.  So now I have to kill him.  Because I came home from class, wanting to pass out on my nice warm bed, that I had just washed the sheets on by the way. and what the fuck do I coe back to find but Clyde god damn Donovan getting his dick sucked on my fucking bed.   clyde if you value your life you’ll move out  before i get home from the store

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I mean, might as well. 

nsfw questions by @malade-de-la-tete

1. What tends to feel better for you, sex or masturbation? 2. Your 5 favorite spots to be stimulated. 3. Have you ever had your prostate stimulated? 4. Have you ever had an orgasm from anywhere other than your genitals? 5. Do you prefer clitoral or vaginal stimulation? 6. Can you touch your clitoris directly, or does that hurt? 7. Are you well-acquainted with your G-spot? 8. Are handjobs boring, or underrated? 9. Do you like having your balls touched? 10. Do you like having your nipples touched? 11. Do you like having your anus touched? 12. Have you ever been fisted (anally or vaginally)? 13. Do you like mild roughness (scratching, spanking, hair-pulling, etc.)? 14. Do you have any kinks? 15. Are you into anything under the BDSM umbrella? 16. Do you pee in the shower? 17. Do you ever masturbate in the shower? 18. Have you had sex in the shower? 19. Do you like being naked? 20. Do you sleep partially/fully naked? 21. Have you ever skinny dipped? 22. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve done nude? 23. Have you ever to a nude beach, naked party, or other situation involving casual nudity? 24. Are you comfortable being seen partially/fully naked by family or friends (i.e. getting dressed, etc.)? 25. Are you comfortable with partners seeing you nude in non-sexual contexts? 26. Have you ever showered with someone (non-sexually)? 27. Do you care if a partner sees you going to the bathroom? 28. Do you have naked pictures/videos of yourself? If yes, have you sent them to anyone? Are they online? 29. How many sexual partners have you had? 30. How often do you masturbate? 31. Age you started masturbating? How did you discover/learn about it? 32. What position do you typically masturbate in (laying on back, on stomach, sitting up, etc.)? 33. Describe your masturbation routine, technique, etc. 34. What do you masturbate to (porn, smut, imagination, etc.)? 35. Have you ever masturbated to the point you got sore? 36. Your thoughts the first time you got up close and personal with the opposite set of genitals? 37. Have you ever “compared” (genitals, breasts, whatever) with a friend? 38. What kind of underwear do you normally wear? 39. Do you ever go commando? 40. Have you ever had a wet dream/orgasmed in your sleep? 41. How big is your penis? 42. Does your penis curve at all? 43. Which testicle hangs lower? 44. How big are your breasts? 45. Do you long or short labia? Are they even or uneven? 46. Do you have a particularly large or tiny clitoris? 47. Are you circumcised or no? Are you happy with it? 48. Are you turned on or off by foreskin, or don’t care? 49. What are you more into (or like more about yourself), boobs or butts? 50. Do you find genitals physically attractive, or weird/gross, or not feel strongly either way? 51. Do you like the way your genitals look? 52. Would you be able to pick out your genitals from a lineup? 53. Do you like your butt? 54. What do you do with your pubic hair (shave, trim, wax, nothing, etc.)? 55. Do you care/have a preference what partners do with their pubic hair? 56. Do you tuck your penis a certain way (i.e. left or right) when you get dressed? 57. Do you have or want any genital piercings? Do you like any on other people? 58. What is the quickest you’ve ever brought yourself (or been brought) to orgasm? 59. Do you ever “edge” (repeatedly stop and start) when masturbating? 60. What’s the longest masturbation session you’ve had? Longest sex session? 61. What’s the most orgasms you’ve had in one session (of anything)? 62. Do your orgasms tend to be full-body, or crotch-centric? 63. Spit or swallow? 64. When you ejaculate, do you more shoot or dribble? 65. Is it hot or gross to get ejaculated on? 66. Do you “squirt?” 67. Have you ever attempted (or succeeded) to give yourself oral? 68. Have you ever given/received a footjob, boobjob, etc.? 69. Have you ever had sex in a public place? 70. Have you ever had sex in a bed/on a couch that didn’t belong to either of you? 71. Have you ever had sex/masturbated while somebody was sleeping near you? 72. How many rooms of your house/apartment/etc. have you had sex in? 73. Strangest/most unique place you’ve had sex? How about masturbated? 74. Have you had any sexual experiences that were downright gross? 75. Are you particularly “vocal” when masturbating/having sex? 76. Have you ever been caught masturbating/having sex? 77. Have you had or do you want to have a threesome (or foursome, or more)? 78. Do you own any sex toys? 79. Have you ever used a homemade sex toy, or a regular object as a sex toy? 80. Can a dildo feel as good as a penis (assuming the person with the penis is good at what they do)? 81. What are your favorite positions? 82. Your most embarrassing sexual experience? 83. Worst place/time you’ve ever gotten a boner? 84. Have you ever had any genital injuries? 85. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted infection? 86. Have you ever had a non-sexually transmitted genital infection (yeast infection, etc)? 87. If you lack a penis, have you ever tried to pee standing up? 88. If you lack a penis, how familiar are you with how you look down there? 89. Do you think you’re “good” at sex, or your performance/skill could use improvement? 90. Have you “sexted” (whether through text messaging or IM chat)? 91. Have you masturbated for or with someone via webcam? 92. Have you have phone sex? 93. If you had the opposite set of genitals for a day, name 5 things you would do. 94. What’s something you like about your body? 95. What’s something you dislike about your body? 96. What body parts do you find the sexiest? 97. What was your most recent sexual thought? 98. Do you ever just play with your boobs, penis, labia, etc.? 99. When was the last time you touched your genitals? 100. Do you often imagine people naked?

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Lets play the game called "how did you find my blog and what made you want to follow"

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Story Time

It’s like 3 am, I’m tired, you’re tired, my existence has been drained from my very body. (thanks school) and now it’s spring break so the dorms are empty and it’s literally just me, Clyde, and this twitchy blonde guy you guys told me about. So Me and Clyde uh, we aren’t the brightest bulbs in the uh, thing. Yup. Anyway we get fucking plastered night 1, and we go to Walmart, like any great american would do.  And like any great, drunk, American citizen would do, we stole a shopping cart. And we brought that shit home. So at 3 am, I shit you not, our asses were taking turns getting shoved, in the cart, down the hallway at break neck pace and into the fucking stairwell. The goal was to catch the door but a few times Clyde missed and was sent straight down the cement flights.  amazing right? Wrong. That’s how I ended up taking this jack ass to the ER with a fractured collarbone at 5 am. Clyde if you’re reading this, you could have fucking caught that, you pansy ass mother fucker.

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because my asks are as empty as my emotions

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

fin.

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

What the fuck, bitch sounding like a stepped on chicken nugget covered in rubber the hell is this fever dream bullshit

ive been thinking about that noise bobby makes for like 2 days now what the fuck

[ask-theuslesshomosexual-cra-blog]

Story Time

So I was hanging out in the photography room, and who the fuck walks in but Kenny god damn McCormick. This mother fucker rolls up into my class in a bright ass orange parka like a bat out of hell and slides over to me like we’re best fucking friends. Like look man, just because I sucked your dick in a parking garage doesn’t mean I want to hold your hand in public, fuck off. He just fucking grins at me, no matter how mean I get so I finally just ask, why he’s there and this ballsy ass white boy smirks and goes “to ask if  you’re down to go again tonight”  and like, well I didn’t say no so f u c k

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Story Time: Part probably three

So I was at a party. It was going great, I’d gotten wasted on like one IPA because my tolerance is shit. Having a good old time dancing with my idiot roomie when this fucking massive jock came up to me. Dude was almost my height and actually pretty built but not in the no-more-neck way. Anyway I’m already putting up my defense and Clyde is standing in front of me like the angriest blockade of short ass taco loving brunette you could find, baring his teeth. We’re both thinking, this fucking guy is going to give us shit, straightest guy here, probably has something to prove or whatever. Well, boy oh fucking boy was I sooooooo wrong. Dude hands me a napkin with his number on it, compliments my band - t then asks if he can dance with me.  Long story short I tapped that. Or uh, well that blue eyed boy definitely tapped me. I also was pretty wrong about him having something to prove. I’ll never forget those dark blue eyes and the taste of whiskey and the scent of smoke on his shirt.