askemilydeanyo

[askemilydeanyo]

I have an emotionally abusive parent. They've body shamed me in the past, and they tend to take small issues and blow them up and turn it on me, then go out of their way to ignore me to show that I "hurt" them. Yesterday, when they tried to hug me to show that they "care" for me, I refused. They called me psychotic for not wanting a hug and I defended my rights. They're ignoring me again today, and I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does, so much. How do I cope? (Thank you for listening)

Hello.

When I read this, my first thought was: why shouldn’t you let it bother you? You have an emotionally abusive parent that, from what I am seeing here, is also verbally abusive, is gaslighting you, and is punishing you for speaking up for yourself. You have absolutely every right to be hurt by this. 

Have you ever been to therapy? Both together and/or apart? If you and your parent are both willing to go to therapy together, I would suggest that. You may get a lot of clarity and reassurance from this. If not, I would consider finding one for yourself. This can be done via www.psychologytoday.com You can narrow down by insurance accepted, zip code, specialization, etc.

In the meantime, I was looking over this article just the other day. I am going to link it here for you https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Emotionally-Abusive-Parents

This sums up pretty much everything I would have said.

I do want to say that I am sorry this is happening to you. I do not know if you live in the home with them, or if you are a minor, or what your situation is, but my hope is that with professional guidance you can successfully navigate this hardship. I hope you don’t feel like I’ve chumped you out of advice by suggesting therapy, but I truly feel it’s the best way to get through this.

In the meantime, I am going to suggest you download a mindfulness/meditation app. I really like Insight Timer. I want to personally recommend any of the meditations Sarah Blondin has, but this is a personal preference. Anyhow, I hope you check it out.

[askemilydeanyo]

Hi Emily, I am wanting to hire or visit a sex worker in Louisville. I am into BDSM/latex/bondage etc. and wanting be controlled/edged by a dom but haven’t been able to find one. Do you know of any personally?

Hello!

My favorite pro-domme has just moved out to California, but they do regularly come back to Louisville to visit. Their website is: rosalinestone.org

Otherwise, I have wonderful things about Bunny. Her twitter is savagelavendar

Hopefully you can connect with either of them, or they can refer you to someone :-)

X

[askemilydeanyo]

How do I overcome the obsession of being incredibly successful? I’m very hard on myself and I want to succeed so I can have a lot of financial security to provide for myself, live in luxurious homes, have nice cars in the future and provide for my family? I’m failing a lot in life and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself which has caused so much depression and anxiety. What is the root of this issue and how can I just relax?

Hello. I cannot tell you what the root of the issue is, but I can offer you some advice. I think it is okay to think big. I believe that people often manifest their dreams by keeping them at the forefront of their minds and thinking them into existence. Some call this the laws of attraction (I would look into this if I were you!) The issue here is that you are falling into depression and anxiety due to not being able to meet these high expectations. The simple solution would then be to set smaller goals for yourself. Rather than expecting to obtain an abundance of money, a beautiful home, nice cars, etc, think in smaller steps. 

Try starting with one project at a time (maybe one that costs the least amount of money.) For example: a new car. Save for this. Envision it. Create a mood board. Repeat positive affirmations surrounding this thing to yourself. Visualize the color, the size, the sounds, the smells. Visualize where it would take you, how it would feel, what emotions it would bring forth. If you have a garage, park your current car on one side of it rather than in the middle. Act intentionally to show the universe that you are making room for this new item. Once you manifest it, move to the next.

Also, consider distancing yourself from any potential sources of inadequacy. Are you hanging out with friends who make you feel like your values aren’t worth much? Are you watching t.v. shows that focus heavily on luxuries? Are you looking at Instagram and comparing yourself to people? Try to zoom in on potential stressors like these and eliminate them gradually. I think it is so important to work according to your own standards, on your own time, for your own goals, not those of anyone else.

Lastly, celebrate the small steps. If you work hard enough to earn a nice pair of shoes, for example, celebrate this. Wear them and take yourself out on a date. Thank them for bringing you a sense of joy. I think it’s easy to focus so hard on the bigger picture that you don’t stop and appreciate the accomplishments along the way. So - while I do not think dreaming big is an issue, I think allowing this to send you into a depressive state certainly is. Take a step back and view your situation from an outsider's perspective. Is this feasible? How can it be done? What are the potential barriers that might arise? How will you overcome them? What would having these things contribute to your life? What might they take away?

Lastly, try to remember that things are just that: things. If you are counting on material possessions to make you happy, please know that they will only take you so far. How do you feel about who you are as a person in the world? Are you happy? Do you see a therapist? How is your support system? Do you talk to friends or family about the way you feel? All just things to consider.

Xx

[askemilydeanyo]

Hi Emily! I actually just have a question on how you came upon this profession? I'm an RN, have been for 13 yrs. Recently went back to school to finish my bachelor's and then obtain my APRN. However, I have always been interested in being a sex therapist. Can you point me in the right direction for info and/or tell me about your journey towards this? Thanks!

Hello! So, I interviewed a few sex therapists in my area and asked them what route they took. Most of them did a social work and/or MFT program. So I am currently in a dual degree program where I am getting a master's degree in social work and couples and family therapist. When I complete this program I will have to go through several hours of supervision and take classes that are accredited through AASECT. 

Typically it goes as follows: a master's degree in a helping profession plus 2 years post-graduate clinical experience is required. In addition to having a valid state license, 90 hours of course work in core knowledge areas, 60 hours of sex therapy training, 300 clinical hours of AASECT supervised treatment of sex therapy and 50 hours of supervision with an AASECT approved supervisor are all required. It sounds like a lot (and it is!) but if this is where your passion lies, look into it. The AASECT website is a great place to start. Best of luck!

:-)

[askemilydeanyo]

My husband doesn't have the best personal hygiene and I've expressed my opinion to him about it repeatedly over the past year, and nothing has changed. I feel like I'm losing my attraction to him because of this. But he cares enough to get upset if I ask if he's brushed his teeth that day but not enough to just do these things on his own.

Hey! Good question. I can totally see where both of you are coming from. On your end - it makes sense that this trait presents as unattractive. Not only does this make it seem like your husband doesn’t value his hygiene for his own self, but also that he doesn’t value being hygienic for you as well. On his end - it totally makes sense that he would get upset that you asked him. Imagine someone asking you several times a week if you’ve wiped your ass that day. It’s an invasive question and it jabs at their capabilities as a grown human adult.

I think oftentimes in situations like this, it is not about what we are saying, but how we are saying it. Asking your partner if they’ve brushed their teeth could be as simple as asking them if they’ve gotten the mail depending on the tone you use. When you use an authoritative voice on your partner you sound less like a partner and more like a parent who is reprimanding their child. One of my favorite techniques is the compliment sandwhich. Start out the conversation by saying something you love about him, introduce the concern, end it with a soft cushioning. For example, “I really love the way you look. I think you are so handsome and have great taste. Sometime, however, I feel like you don’t prioritize your hygiene and that is something that is really important to me. I know that it might not matter to you as much, but it’s really important that I can look at you and feel physically aroused by you. Would you be willing to compromise with me? I know you hate me asking you about it, probably as much as I hate asking, so maybe we could try brushing our teeth together? Or maybe you can set an alarm to remind you? It would really mean a lot to me.” You can also follow up by asking if there is anything your partner would want you to work on, so that you are both actively putting in effort together.

Practice delivering your concerns in a gentle and loving way. I am fully on board with you here. One of the worst feelings ever is looking at your partner and experiencing feelings of disappointment or even times disgust. Unfortunately, it is bound to happen eventually. Under the best of circumstances these will be things that can be worked on. Always always always approach things from a place of vulnerability and concern, never nagging, never bickering, never out of frustration.

“I love you, and this is something that matters a lot to me. Can we please work together?” should suffice.

[askemilydeanyo]

I've gotten fired from 4 jobs in a row for being too slow. Is there a possibility I have ADHD? I'm only 24. In addition to taking a long time to learn a new job, I have a hard time remaining seated for elongated periods of time and get bored (of people and tasks) easily.

That totally could be the case. I actually just got diagnosed with inattentive ADHD myself, which was surprising because I am 25. My advice to you is simple - go get evaluated :-) You can search for psychiatrists (I went to a psychiatric nurse) in your area or see if your university offers testing through the counseling center. Could be ADHD, could be that you aren’t interested in where you’re working / who/what you’re surrounding yourself with!

[askemilydeanyo]

Hi Emily. Recently I’ve been seeing someone and after our date, they always text me they had fun. Our last date, he never did which is strange. I’m not the type to text first because I think it’s desperate but I’m worried I did something wrong and they’re potentially ghosting me. It’s been two days and I have huge anxiety enough as it is so I’m worried sick I did something wrong. Guys continuously ghost me after sweet dates and I don’t know why (ps I did not sleep with him.)

Hi! Well, you’re likely not going to enjoy my response but: TEXT HIM! Texting someone first is not desperate. Texting someone 100 times with no response might be, but texting them first lets them know you’re interested. Have you considered that maybe they’re not reaching out because they have the same concern as you? Or maybe they don’t know you are interested in them!

I would really urge you to try to change the way you think. Sure, getting the first text is fun and cutesy at times, but imagine being on the other end of that. If you like someone, wouldn’t you want them to have that experience as well? To feel cutesy and flirty and thought of? I think you are giving yourself unnecessary anxiety by not simply just reaching out. Texting him a simple “Hey! How have you been?” can reveal a lot. He could say, “Hey, sorry I have been SO overwhelmed with school work,” or “Hey, sorry my phone broke.” or “I realized I don’t want to pursue things with you,” or ... “I was waiting for you to text me first because I didn’t want to seem desperate.”

Wouldn’t that be silly!

Be that type of person. That type of person is cool and honest and authentic and assertive and goes after the person they’re attracted to. Why wouldn’t you be that? Don’t deny yourself something that you want just because of how you think it might be perceived. If you want to talk to someone, do it. You don’t have to over complicate it :-) You won't know until you know. Good luck!

[askemilydeanyo]

So... this page is fucking amazing. I love a quiet married life. Happily. But this page gives me life, and confidence in my sexual fantasies. Hopefully someday I can have an honest conversation with my loving partner and begin to adventure into the realm of which you share with yours. One thing I’ve really taken to is your interest in latex. What a fucking turn on! In my searches I’ve found my biggest turn on is latex vac beds. Have you ever tried one? Would love to read your opinion on them!

Ahhhh! Thank you so much! I’m so stoked and honored to read this message. I have not tried a latex vac bed, as I’m not sure I would enjoy them very much (but also I don't know anyone locally who has one.) One of the few things in life that gives me like... heart-racing anxiety is feeling like I can't move (like when I’m cocooned in my bedsheets.) However, I absolutely see the appeal. I am really into sensory deprivation and I know a lot of vac bags seal your head up with a breath hole. I am accustomed to wearing a latex hood which gives a similar experience, minus the inability to move my body. Sensory deprivation forces the person to focus on their breathing and their bodily sensations to a heightened degree. It’s really hot!

Anywho, if I knew someone who had a bag I might consider it, but I’m afraid I’d freak. Good for you for knowing what turns you on, and I’m so happy to hear that you are happily married to a loving partner. I will send good wishes your way for the day that you have that conversation, should you choose to :-) Thanks again for the sweet words!

[askemilydeanyo]

Hey emily, I have an concern with my current girlfriend of 3 months. We very recently started getting intimate and I’m having trouble getting comfortable around her sexually. Ive never had any issues expressing myself sexually or felt uncomfortable. She is 4 years younger and I’m having trouble finding the confidence to give her what she wants. Me being dominant, rough, etc. I’ve never really been that guy in the bedroom but want to help satisfy her needs and make things interesting. Thanks!

Hello! Thanks for reaching out.

First, take a deep breath and reassure yourself that three months is still pretty early on in the relationship. While some people can fuck someone in one night and establish comfort and connection, for many others it takes time. 

To recap, from what I am reading it seems like you’ve never really had to be the dominant one in your past sexual experiences, and suddenly you’re experiencing this pressure to provide that, seemingly unsuccessfully, which has left you feeling potentially inadequate or unable to satisfy her. 

Regardless of whether you haven’t explored your dominant side because you are naturally more submissive, or solely because you haven’t had sex that requires assigning those kinds of roles to one another, trying to tap into your dominant side out of feeling compelled to can be tricky. Typically, you are just more naturally dominant or naturally submissive. Of course, either or can be learned, but if the thought of being rough isn’t appealing to you, it just might never be, and that is okay.

What I can suggest is that you have an honest conversation outside of the bedroom. Trying to dictate these things in the middle of sexual heat is definitely not the place or time. Try sitting her down someplace neutral, maybe in your living room over some tea, and communicate how you’re feeling. Perhaps go over some of your expectations, your boundaries, things you do like, things you don’t like, things you want to try, things that you are absolutely not willing to try, your fetishes, your fantasies, and so forth. Doing this will provide you with insight onto what kinds of sex she is into having, and ideally a few of these things will align with your interests as well.

After you two both tell each other things you like, respectfully and with an open mind, of course, do some homework. Watch some porn, try masturbating with these things in mind, have sex incorporating some of these aspects. I like to believe that even the most dominant of people, or submissive people, have a little bit of switch in them, every once in a while craving some slow sex, or getting off to a fantasy you would never suspect. That is why communicating is so important! You might never know unless you ask.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It is important that you don’t enter any sexual encounter under the impression that you will be disappointing someone. Dating someone means compromising, and if that means having rough aggressive sex some days and casual soft sex others, then that should be a feasible thing to consider. I urge you to consider communicating how you feel, when you feel it, and ask your partner for guidance if you need it. 

How do you like it? What are some things I can do? Will you help me by telling me what does and doesn’t work for you? Ask her to instruct you during sex and after. If you are doing something she likes, tell you, if you are doing something she doesn’t like, tell you. This applies to you too. If that isn’t the kind of intimacy you’re looking for 24/7, be honest. If you all are in a monogamous partnership, you really owe it to yourselves to transparent.

And a side note: If you are wanting to get in touch with your sexually dominant side by use of toys or accessories, write me back and I would be glad to send you some recommendations!

Best of luck! Xx

[askemilydeanyo]

My bf is from a small town, everyone knows everyone & everyone is friends with each other. So his ex is still in his life he is still really close with her friends. when they go out she is usually there if there is a wedding, festival etc. I have a big issue with that. I’m from large city when I broke up with my ex i never saw him again nor is friends my bf doenst even know mich about my ex’s but I feel like I know everything about his ex. how can I deal with this situation?

Hi.

So, I too identify as a somewhat jealous and/or worrisome person (I hope you don’t take offense to me labeling you as such - only going by what I am reading from this!) so this was a tough one for me to consider. I resorted to asking my partner what they think because I can’t really imagine how I might react if I were in this situation (because I really have absolutely no idea.) Thank god both mine and my partner’s ex’s live in other cities, because I can imagine how that could potentially get quite messy.

Here is the major thing to consider: Why does this bother you? Do you think he is still interested in her? Do you not trust him? Are you feeling insecure in your relationship? Are you feeling insecure about yourself? Do you think they still have an intimate connection? Is she rude to you? Is she jealous of you? It seems like they must not have had too traumatic of a breakup if they are still friends, so I think you should ask yourself why her presence feels like such a threat to you.

Perhaps your boyfriend and his ex had a natural falling out. Perhaps they lost their lust and thought they would be better off as pals. Maybe your relationship ended in a more toxic or abrupt or aggressive way whereas theirs ended more organically and you feel that this poses a threat to you. Obviously, I cannot really say, but it seems like an apples to oranges kind of situation. I can speak from experience when I say it is certainly ‘easier’ when your partner is not on speaking terms with their ex’s, because it is one less thing to worry about. Typically if someone feels betrayed, or hurt, or moved to a different city, they are a lot less likely to remain friends with someone than if they just lost the spark (which has been the case in a lot of my situations.)

That being said, I can relate to how you feel. It is easy to think that when we do something, someone else should do the same. You broke up with your partner, dumped their friends, never discussed him, never saw him again. So why isn’t it that simple for your partner? This type of thinking accompanies me frequently in relationships. With roommates: You see me cleaning the dishes after I use them, why can’t you do the same? With coworkers: I make my class schedule around work, why can’t you consider doing that? With partners: I make an effort to make you breakfast and surprise you at work, why don’t you do that with me?

The reality just is that you can’t expect things of people just because you would or wouldn’t do it. Trust me when I say that I know that this is not an easy pill to swallow. I am the definition of a control freak and I totally understand how being in your situation could be unsettling, especially compared to the kind of breakups that you are used to. BUT when I got to thinking, I realized that I have maintained friendships with a majority of my ex’s while I am in a happy relationship and that is because that is what mature people do. You actually can have a friendship with someone you once used to fuck, or date, or love, and have it be totally platonic, all the while being in a romantic relationship with someone else. Because these two things are not correlated. If my partner asked me to delete my ex’s number, whom I have no ill will towards, because of whatever reason, I would feel hurt because they were insinuating that they didn’t trust me. Do you trust your boyfriend?

Our ex’s become our ex’s for whatever assortment of reasons, but more than likely an ex is an ex because one or both parties has lost interest in the other. And that right there is one of the biggest reasons this should not greatly concern you. You didn’t say your boyfriend was flirting with his ex, or still calling her, or still expressing interest, so I have reason to believe he is solely still intertwined with her through mutual friends, which is just honestly not that bad. I don’t know your relationship dynamic, or how often you have been together, or what your communication is like, but I feel confident that, based on the information I was given, that this is pretty innocent.

You don’t get to ask people to cut things or hobbies or people out of their life just because it upsets you. You just don’t. If someone is doing drugs, or having a ton of unprotected sex, or manipulating you, or like, binge eating 100 chicken nuggets a night, sure. These are concerning behaviors that should be addressed. However, if your partner has chosen to have a civil relationship with someone he used to date, that just is what it is.

Again, I know this is easier said than done. But just like you wouldn’t (or I hope you wouldn’t) cut out a person or a group of people from your life that you were totally okay with just because someone asked you to, it makes sense why your partner wouldn’t do that either. It is a shallow thing to ask of someone, and it would be a shallow act to carry out. If they were bad influences, or if the friend group encouraged them to rekindle their relationship, or if this girl taunts you on a regular basis, sure, these are things to be concerned about. But if your boyfriend runs into her at a wedding and hugs her and says hello, I think it actually just displays his emotional maturity.

So I am going to reiterate that you should really, really ask yourself why this upsets you so much. What is the real source of your issues with it? Is it her? Is it him? Or is it you? It might take some time, but I think you (and me! This is not an attack!) could really benefit from unlearning some of the ways that we think. Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you have to ditch all the friends, throw away all the physical reminders, burn all the photos, block the social media, and somehow forget all the memories. Sometimes it just means you eliminate the romance and remain friends. This is something I am still learning all the time, my friend.

So, to answer your question, you deal with the situation by just dealing with it. Figure out why this makes you feel upset or insecure and really analyze it at the root. Try to be friendly with the girl (not friends, just friendly so you don’t have issues) and try to understand where they are both coming from. If you are feeling insecure, ask your boyfriend for some reassurance. It is perfectly okay to say “I know ___ will be at the festival this weekend, so if you could just make an effort to give me a call at night and keep me in the loop of what is going on I would really appreciate that.” Just try not to bring any unwarranted worries upon yourself.

If you trust him, trust him. After all, love is best served unconditionally.

Xx

[askemilydeanyo]

Heya my boyfriend says it’s normal to talk less over the years but I feel like you should still be able to talk about things? Or am I wrong?

Hello! I can’t say whether you are right or wrong because it is all situational. I know couples that have been together for 10+ years that still text all day, still call at night, still share details of their day, still engage in deep conversation, etc. I also know couples that have just started dating and only see each other once or twice a week, don’t text each other, etc. It depends!

I will say that once the novelty of your relationship starts to wear off, people can certainly get a little more comfortable in their solitude, perhaps thinking that their loyalty to you is clearly depicted in the time you have spent together, therefore they no longer have to talk to you as frequently to validate or reassure you because they feel it is implied.

Regardless, of course you should be able to talk about things. You should be able to discuss your day, to resolve issues, to analyze situations, to have in-depth conversations, to inquire things, to pick each other’s brains, to text throughout the day, and so forth. You should always have these forms of communication as an option. It’s kind of hard for me to know the extent to which this is going on. Like, are you being ignored? Is he invalidating you? Is he cutting you off when you speak? Do you feel offended, or small, or placed on the back burner? I just don’t know.

You can effectively communicate your concerns to your partner in a way that is not bombarding nor passive by calmly stating how you feel. If you feel like he isn’t making time for you, or isn’t listening to you, or isn’t challenging you, or prioritizing the relationship in the same way that he used to, ask him about it. “Hey, I know that you said this is normal, but it makes me feel distant from you. Can we talk about why you don’t feel as compelled to talk to me as often as you once did?” and go from there.

Also: Try scheduling date nights so that you two have allotted time together where you can share details about your days or weeks. You could also try to keep yourself more busy throughout the day so you aren’t sitting around staring at your phone waiting for a text to come in (not assuming this is what you do, I am just speaking from past experience here.)

Hope this could be of any use. Just trying to work with what little I’ve got here! 

Xx

[askemilydeanyo]

Hi Emily, to keep this short n sweet i just wanna hop right into the issue. The thought of my boyfriend fucking another girl turns me on and pisses me off simultaneously and i cant make these thoughts stop:( we haven’t been together that long n i do get insecure sometimes bc i see what girls he’s been into in the past. so i imagine him having sex with them n get off to it n then afterwards, i kinda get mad lmao. is this toxic?

Hello! Interestingly enough, you are the second person that has brought something of this nature up to me in the past few weeks. Sounds like you could potentially be a cuck! ;-) 

To answer your question, I wouldn’t say it’s ‘toxic’ unless it’s directly interfering with your life or your relationship. Maybe more so just inconvenient, or even uncomfortable at times. If it’s something you just get off to and feel occasional bouts of insecurity about, I want to assure you that you are not alone in this regard. If you are getting off to the thought and then blaming your partner for sleeping with people before he even knew you, then that would be toxic!

A few questions for you: Have you shared this fantasy with your partner? Is it the thought of him with another girl specifically, or an ex? Do you find yourself looking at/thinking about his ex’s intentionally and then getting jealous as a result?

If you have talked to him about this and it appears to be something he could be on board with, I would highly suggest acting on this fantasy with someone your boyfriend does not know. Imagining him with an ex whom he shared an emotional connection with is a recipe for disaster. On the contrary, suppose you hand pick out a girl that turns both of you on, and ask him if he would be comfortable sleeping with her while you watch. Does that sound like something that could satisfy your need just as much?

I think a major key to involving others in your sex life (if you are a monogamous person just looking to occasionally throw extra people into the mix) is to make sure that there is some sort of emotional distance. Boundaries are crucial. If your partner slept with someone he knew, you would likely have a lot of uncomfortable thoughts that followed: Is he texting her? Is she going to reach out to him? Do they follow each other on Instagram? You know, those kinds of things. If it is with someone he does not know, you wouldn’t have to worry about that nearly as much. No emotional past, no exchanging of phone numbers, no real connection - just physicality in the present moment.

Now, I’m not even sure if you’re actually interested in acting this out, but I thought I would throw that information out there just incase. I only say so because I recently was turned on by a similar thought, and I told my partner, and when we acted on it it worked out really well because of those exact reasons. I chose the person, I made sure there was no connection between them, and then I did get to see my honey with someone else and I felt totally calm and collected because it was in a safe environment. Had they dated in the past, I certainly would not have been a-ok.

So anyway - try talking to your boyfriend and see what his thoughts on this are. And if you find yourself being met with insecurities: take a deep breath, process what you are feeling, and remind yourself that he is your partner and he wont sleep with anyone else without you asking him first. Your partner is your partner for a reason. You chose each other. And if you find uncomfortable feelings resurfacing, ask him for reassurance. Explain what you’re feeling. Also consider seeing a sex therapist if you want some additional advice. Just know that these feelings are valid and more common than you think! And shouldn’t become toxic to you unless you allow them to.

Xx

[askemilydeanyo]

Hello, so there is this girl who is my best friend as of 2 years now and I spend the night at her house all the time, but now I feel like we have something although it could just be me wanting to see something that isn’t there. She cuddles with me, always touches me lightly, holds my hand, knows I like girls and so does she. But she also says things like “my ex was too short!” And I’m short and after I stay the night she post about how depressed she is. I do have a bf rn and I know that’s awful!

Hello :-)

My answer is going to be pretty short and sweet: communicate! I understand that navigating through your sexual identity can be tricky, especially while doing so while you’re currently in a relationship, but I think you owe it to yourself to try. Since this person is your best friend, I can imagine that opening up could be both extremely easy and extremely hard. Certainly you have a solid communication system or you wouldn’t be best friends! On the other hand, it is totally understandable that you might have feelings of nervousness surrounding the topic due to not wanting to compromise the friendship.

Just sit down and have a discussion with her. I think there are three main things that should be tackled: One, her depression, Two) Making sure that you maintain a friendship no matter what, and Three) Tackling the romantic feelings and her advances towards you. 

Consider bringing them up to her in that order. You could start by introducing the depression-related posts. Like “Hey, I noticed that after I leave your house you post some worrisome things. Can we talk about it?” Maybe after you break that down reassure her that you are her friend above all else. And then consider tip-toeing into the romantic territory. You can try to convey to her that you aren’t sure whether you are reading her signs correctly or not, or if her posts about depression have any tie into what might be going on - but try to make sure you are separating all three things. A) I care for you as a person, I am here for you. B) I care for you as a friend, I am here for you. C) I care for you as a potential partner, I am here for you. If she is experiencing depression on top of a blossoming sexuality it could be a lot to handle at once tackling those topics in conjunction. 

Just be totally transparent with how you’re feeling. I know that it is scary but if you two have a close bond, the worst thing that can happen is that she will decline and hopefully learn that her actions are misleading! I know that it can be harder navigating same sex relationships, especially because women tend to be more flirtatious and touchy, so deciphering the line between friendly and romantic isn’t always crystal clear. That is what talking it out is for. Hello, you are my best friend, and sometimes I worry about you, and I am just wanting you to know that if you need me as a friend I can be a friend, and if you want me as a partner I can do that too, but more than anything you are an important person to me and I honor that above all else.

I would have this conversation with her before you rush to any conclusions with your boyfriend. Maybe consider writing me back then! Certainly he should be in the loop of how you’re feeling but I think it is best to work through these things in small steps.

Good luck!

[askemilydeanyo]

Hi Emily. I have a question. I can’t enjoy relationships because I have this huge, and by huge, I mean a huge fear of getting cheated on. I always think that when I’m with a partner they will cheat on me. I’m always right or I have this irrational fear behind my mind that they are. I always end up being right or I get left for someone else. I believe this fear will be with me forever, even when I’m married. I can never enjoy a relationship. Why is this and how Can I overcome/fix this?

Hello! Well – I can only assume that the reason you initially got this feeling was because you were cheated on one or more times, and that greatly affected you (and understandably so!) If you got stung by a jelly fish the first time you got into the ocean, or busted your ass the first time you tried skating, or got sick the first time you ate sushi, it’s totally natural that you would be hesitant, or even unwilling to try these things again. Your mind and body align to create this disinclination to subject yourself back to those shitty feelings. The thought of eating sushi post-yack will probably make you anxious, sweaty, and avoidant. This holds true with love, too.

The difference between fighting the urge to jump into the ocean versus fighting the urge to love (or not love) is that humans biologically crave emotional connection. You can go to the beach and enjoy your time without getting in the water at all (trust me, I am the queen of this) however, if you are a social person, if you enjoy interacting with people, if you go out into the public, if you find people to be attractive, if you are on social media, if you are a sexual being – then eventually finding someone that you want to pursue romantically is pretty darn hard to avoid. This is where your predicament comes to the forefront. You are bound to continue dating people throughout life, but you do not trust them, which sets you up for a lose-lose situation. Here is what I can offer.

I know that people think that the Law of Attraction is bullshit, and I hear ya, but I do believe that the way we think ultimately shapes our reality. Basically, these are sort of rules that govern the universe that, in summary, state that we are fully capable of thinking things into fruition. If you wake up and think positive thoughts, like “Work is going to go by quickly, dinner is going to be great, I will find that skirt that sold out last week, I am going to knock out this paper,” you are much more likely to achieve these things. On the contrary, if you think: “Today is going to be a horrible day, I am going to fail my test, I am never going to lose these 5 pounds, I will never be able to afford that dress,” then you carry this cloud with you for the entire day (and likely the next, and the next.) When you start off anything assuming it will fail, why bother put any effort into it, right?

This ties into your relationships as well. Imagine this from your partners perspective: Your partner does not trust you, for no apparent reason. They constantly accuse you of cheating. They second guess you. They don’t trust your intentions. What are you going to do? Are you going to expend all of your energy trying to prove yourself to this person? Are you going to exhaust yourself showing your commitment when you have done nothing to suggest that you are unfaithful? Likely not. You would be much more likely to leave the person, or cheat on them, or build up resentment. No one thrives when they are set up for failure.

The thing with relationships is that one relationship has absolutely nothing to do with the next. You can date one person that will be the epitome of your dream human, and things can fizzle out, and then date someone totally different from them, and it can be horrible, and then someone totally different from you, and it can be terrible– and there is no connection. Nor should there ever be. People enter our lives to teach us lessons, and if someone entered your life and cheated on you – ask yourself what you learned from that person. What signs did they give off? What symptoms were present? What was your role in this? What was theirs? Have you forgiven them? How much time will you need before you can enter a new relationship? Take notes and move forward. I once read that if you take the bricks from your past relationship into your future one, you will end up building the same house. Pretty intense, huh.

Ask yourself where these feelings are coming from, and try to tackle them in that moment. If your partner is a decent partner, you should be able to talk to them (rationally and maturely) about what you are feeling. If you are feeling like they are a little too friendly with one of their pals, if you feel like they are being secretive, if you think something isn’t adding up - ask them to reassure you. I truly believe people are much more likely to offer up reassurance and validation when their partner is coming to them from a genuine place of love and concern than unwarranted suspicion and bitterness. Obviously, ask sparingly and not every single day, but if something is happening in an instance, such as them turning their phone over every time they receive a text, consider saying “I’m sure you are just wanting to be present with me, but I am feeling a little off. Can you reassure me that no one is texting you that might make me uncomfortable? I’d really appreciate your reassurance.” Ta daaa.

A final thing I am asking you to consider is how secure you feel with yourself. By assuming that your partner will be unfaithful, the message you are sending yourself is that you don’t feel worthy of of someone’s whole heart. So perhaps before you try to enter a new relationship you should make sure that you are feeling totally okay with who you are. If there are things you are unhappy about, change them. Work hard. Prioritize yourself. When you are content with who you are as a person, you you excuse a certain kind of energy, and attract likeminded people. If you are insecure, you settle for people who maybe aren’t actually up to your standards, but you don’t feel that you deserve the best of the best, so you take what you can get. If you are confident in yourself, and in your heart, you can attract people that are also confident, and subsequently both be confident that your partner will be faithful.

Personally, when I start a relationship I ask a lot of probing questions to just get it all out of the way. Do you have any baggage from your past that I should know about? Are you seeing anybody else? How are your relationships with your ex’s? (Do you have any stalkers? *Cough cough*.) Allow them to come to you with the information they are willing to provide and try your very hardest to accept this at face value. People are innocent until proven guilty, ya know? Don’t ask for names, don’t ask for dates, just plainly ask “Are we exclusive? Are you comfortable with monogamy?” And then maybe explain to them that you have trust issues from the past, but that you are going to try to treat them as their own person because they are their own person and not your lying cheating ex. And then ask for patience. Because you will both need a lot of it.

Lastly, consider seeing a therapist to help you work through some of these issues. If your fears are so persistent that they are hindering your ability to have a healthy and functioning relationship, I think that is perfectly reasonable to seek professional help. No one deserves to live on edge like this. There are so many people willing to devote to you, and that you will be willing to devote yourself to, and you should jump through as few hoops as possible to get to them.

So, in summary: Recognize that one partner has nothing to do with the next, dissect your feelings when they pop up, ask for reassurance, question the things you need to question, make sure you’re feeling secure in your own body, and consider seeking professional help! I think all of these things in combination can help you combat some of these anxieties!

Wishing you the best!

[askemilydeanyo]

Hello, yes. We had a threesome.

Before I start, I’d like to say that for the bulk majority of my life, I have identified as a relatively jealous person. Not jealous in a comparative way, but in a “tell me everything about your past, in detail, and then comfort me when I get upset about it because I will get upset” kind of way. That being said, when my urge to have a threesome crept up, I was honestly taken off guard. Imagining my partner with other people in the past used to make me queasy, but suddenly thinking of them with someone else was making me seriously horny. What the fuck was going on? I’ll paint the scene for you:

I was on the front porch eating strawberries, reading my final pages of Karley Sciortino’s Slutever, when it first came over me. In a lascivious daze, I looked up to my partner, then cutting the grass, and said: “Do you want to have a threesome?” to which they plainly responded, “Yeah, sure.” So like any self-proclaimed horny millennial sex aficionado, I immediately took to Instagram. (Obviously, I realize that not everybody can hop on their social media account and solicit for a sex partner, but I have a majority of family blocked and let’s be real they are all pretty aware of my sluttiness, so it seemed plausible to me.)

My request, posted in typewriter font over a photo of my leather flogger, simply stated: “Seeking a third for play *devil emoji*.” And voilà, just like that, she was baited. I will say, I got about 9 responses in total, but none of the others quite fit the description. We didn’t want anyone we knew too close, anyone we didn’t know at all, or anyone younger than me. I suppose this is my first tip, being that it might take a while for you and your partner to find someone that you are both attracted to, and it is both okay and encouraged to allow yourselves to be choosey (like, sure it only took us about 3 hours, but I’d say we are an anomaly to the rule.) I know a lot of people take to bars, or get on Tinder, or hire a sex worker, and I think those are excellent options for certain kinds of people, but we didn’t want to just pick from a sea of faces, we wanted to have some sort of connection to our third.

So, when she slid into my DM’s, we were stoked. We both knew her, but very, very vaguely. She and I had met a handful of times in social settings, but never engaged in anything beyond surface level conversation. However, like many of these types of interactions in my life, we had, at some point, talked about sex. I speak very candidly about sexuality – and my online presence is certainly no exception. I run weekly sex polls, I post pre-smut photos of me in full rubber lingerie, and I have an advice column where I answer questions about sex and relationship issues. So the chances that I have given someone sex-related advice online, while only having a conversation about their dog in person is surprisingly high.

Since we had some back-and-forth in the past, she approached it by saying: “If it’s not out of line, maybe I can reach out to you two about joining in the fun? I’ve always thought you’d be fun and comfortable to be around.” Finally! My outward slut-ass-ness had paid off! I was sold on her. I took the idea to my partner and they immediately agreed. As I said, the entire process of deciding we wanted to have a threesome and finding our third took, quite literally, 3 hours, but I’d imagine it is comparable to when you go to adopt a puppy, and think “omg! This is the one!” – it just felt right, you know? We knew that she was hot, and she was kind, and wasn’t a sociopath looking to come in and wreck our relationship, so it genuinely seemed safe.

It became a massive topic of conversation. We began vocalizing our fantasies out loud while we had sex (“You want to see me eat a pussy?” and yes LORD I did), we discussed our expectations and boundaries in depth, and on at least a dozen occasions I said “oh my GOD are we actually doing this?” jumping around like an idiot while doing the dishes. The thought was so exciting. We are both sexually adventurous people, both naturally hedonistic, seemingly born with a desire to please, so adding a third into the mix felt more like an extension of us. Just something and someone fun to do. We ended up running into her that weekend and fucked like literal maniacs afterwards. It was amazing.

The timeline of deciding on the rendezvous and actually putting it into action took a whopping 10 days. The closer the event came, the more and more I became the most annoying version of myself. “Oh my god, she’s coming in 3 days. Oh my god, she’s coming tomorrow. OH MY GOD SHE’S COMING IN 4 HOURS.” When the time finally came, I prepped my body as if I was going to senior prom all over again (except honestly significantly more.) I waxed my bikini line, did a facial, did a hair mask, shaved my legs, exfoliated my entire body, rummaged my closet, took 10 minutes on my eyebrows. We swept the house, washed the sheets, shined all the latex, and boiled all the sex toys. The energy was fun and frantic and flirty.

Within the comfort of your monogamous relationship, it’s normal to begin to care less about these things, which is not to be taken as a diss. When you see someone essentially every day of your life, you care a lot less about deep conditioning your hair and more about paying your rent on time. Knowing that someone was going to experience our home, our bodies, and our relationship dynamic for the first time took us back to those butterfly-in-tummy vibes – when you actually made an effort to match your socks and tend to your ingrown hairs. It was so sweet knowing my partner was taking the time to landscape their pubes and make sure they looked good in their outfit. I felt like I was going on our first date all over again, which was a really welcoming and unexpected phenomenon.

I’ll fast forward and spare you the visual of me crouched over cleaning the toilet in leather pants (just kidding, there was the visual): She arrived. My partner and I were sitting in separate rooms when I saw her car pull up. As one might imagine, I literally screamed. The following is a rough description of what happened: She came in, we gave her the house tour, we chatted over a glass of champagne (that I admittedly took no more than three sips of because I had taken two power shots when I saw her car pull up) (that and my partner refuses to fuck drunk people which is one of the hundred things I love about them.) And then… we showed her ‘The Drawer.’

Okay, look. My partner and I are sex freaks. If you know either of us in person, I can guarantee that our sex drawer is exactly what you are visualizing. It is filled with latex and leather, and sensory deprivation accessories, and cock lassos, and butt plugs, and dildos and vibrators and weird medical equipment that even freaks us out at times. This was the moment of truth. When you open your sex drawer to someone, you are essentially showing them your lifespan porn history, your darkest fantasies, your bank statement and your daddy issues all at once. It is vulnerable and spooky and oddly exciting. Anyways, she was into it.

After some chatting in the bedroom, we were all clearly getting antsy, so I decided to take initiative. I asked our third to strip to her comfort level. I asked my partner to blindfold her. I took myself in the bathroom, got into a latex get up, and had a full blown Issa Rae style pep talk with myself in the mirror. When I emerged into the bedroom I found our third blindfolded and stripped to her panties, while my partner was rubbing her legs. My first thought was “Oh my god, am I gay?” I was so turned on. The roles of my partner and myself became immediately clear. Here they were, prioritizing comfort and consent, not wanting to overstep any boundaries (especially while I wasn’t in the room), and I come in wearing full domme gear, leather riding crop in hand, alarmingly ready to turn some asses red. My partner is truly the yin to my yang.

I won’t go into too much detail, partially because I blacked a lot of it out (adrenaline, not vodka, I promise) but also because this is meant to be less smut and more narrative; so let’s just say I was in a deviant bitches version of heaven. As someone who identifies as a 96% heterosexual woman, I was honestly anxious about having a vulva in my face. Believe me when I say I am a huge preacher of “vagina’s are snowflakes,” but admittedly, I’m picky (don’t come for me I am literally just straight.) I was so relieved that when our third was naked before us, I was in absolute awe. My dreamboat of a partner, a beautiful naked person, and a nightstand covered with sex toys; I could’ve died right then and been totally cool with it (except our third did not sign up for Necrophilia 101 and let’s be honest I knew immediately that I wanted to do it again.)

The one thing that put me the most at ease was our ability to prioritize comfort. This has to take form in various ways. Being comfortable enough to assert what you want: harder, deeper, lower, just spread my butt cheeks more, being comfortable enough to fumble (i.e. having to literally remove our third’s fingers from my body after dropping the magic wand on the floor and watching it vibrate its way across the room,) being comfortable enough to show someone a drawer filled with electric stimulation pads and urethral sounds (unused, before anyone freaks out), being comfortable enough to ask someone to swap gloves so you don’t exchange bacteria. It is seriously vital. In porn, we often see someone take their dick out of one vagina and put it in the other, and in reality that just isn’t safe. That being said, when our third hopped out of bed and put on gloves without being instructed, I felt like a proud mom (except like horny step mom that fucks the girl next door), because not only was she prioritizing our safety, but she was also simultaneously not judging us for wearing medical exam gloves while we fucked. Truly a win-win.

In summary, we all came, we cleaned up, and we sat on the bed after and recapped straight slumber party style. A visual: All of us are wearing crop tops and undies, drinking Moscato from the bottle, a murder scene of sex accessories littering the floor beside us. During this time, I was paying close attention to my emotions. I had been a third to a couple once in the past, and the girl told me that immediately after the horny feelings subsided, she cried a lot. I was waiting for this feeling to sweep over me, but instead, my thoughts were more “oh my god, I can’t believe I forgot to fuck her with the strap on.” It was all really, really pleasant.

After she left, my partner and I had sex once again, and for the next few days we brought it up at least once every hour or so. In the middle of an art fair: “Remember when you first walked into the room and grabbed her? That was my favorite part.” in the middle of eating pancakes: “Do you think she came good?” in the last few seconds of a Warriors vs. Clippers game: “My finger literally went into her ass on accident.” It was like a Facebook memory popping up to remind you that you are a sex goddess, rather than an unfortunate seventh grader with side swoop bangs.

In addition to these micro bursts of horny memories zapping me throughout the day, I also found myself feeling tremendously liberated all around. Suddenly, I felt like that bitch. I felt more sure of myself and my relationship than ever before. I felt proud of my ability to casually share my wonderful partner with someone else. I also experienced some unexpected but cutesy and innocent feelings of having a crush, like, omg I wonder if she’s told her friends, I wonder if she liked us, I wonder if she’ll want to come back. I still feel all of that.

Some people might read this thinking: Emily, was this really worth a 4000 word essay? It’s a threesome, chill, people do this all the time; while others might think: Hell no, I would never let my partner fuck someone else! Both to which I respond: I get it. A ton of people take comfort in routine, and monogamy, and would never think of sharing their partner’s bodies with someone else. Other people are more laissez faire, and are totally cool with the thought. I guess I fall somewhere in the in-between. The reason I am writing this is solely to inform others of one thing above all else, and that is: When you allow someone else to be with your partners body, it is solely that: their body. You must be able to compartmentalize your sexuality. The sex you have with your partner right after a fight, or at 7a.m. half hard and half asleep, or after a romantic anniversary dinner can never be replaced by a 10p.m Friday night Ménage à trois, nor is it meant to. You are not lending out your partner’s heart, you are lending out their oral sex game because you yourself find it to be phenomenal and you want someone else to experience it.

Your third doesn’t get to know the exact 45 degree angle at which your partner likes their penis stroked, or the exact string of words that’ll make you cum in seconds, or how you like your scalp rubbed before you fall asleep. They are there for newness, for fun, and for straight up sexual gratification. Their roll is essentially to cum and leave (after sitting cross legged blushing over the fact that you both have outie vulvas, and also, like maybe not leaving forever because you might want them to come back in the future!) not to rock your partner’s world and leave them looking at you like an old pair of beat up sneakers or whatever. If you are worried about your third outshining you, or your partner developing feelings, or your primary and secondary running off and having some kind of love affair, then a threesome just is not for you. Having a fear of infidelity as a result is a pretty clear indicator that something deeper is going on, and why subject yourself to unnecessary anxiety if you don’t have to? (PSA: You don’t have to.)

A threesome will not fix your relationship if it is on the rocks. It will not mend your trust issues. It will (likely) not cure your diminished libido. It will not grant you any otherwise unreciprocated respect in your relationship. You get no brownie points. A threesome is literally a novel concept. It is to witness your partner in action outside of your standard point of view. It is to learn new things that turn you on and turn you off. It is to remind yourself that you can be in a long term, serious, primarily monogamous relationship and still be able to experience the joy of other people’s bodies in a safe and controlled environment. It is to fuck, and to get fucked. To cum, and to make cum. It is to let someone eat you out that doesn’t eat you out every day.

If you came here for my recipe for a successful threesome, here is what I can suggest: (Please keep in mind that I am a literal amateur, but I do feel confident in my knowledge, so here you go:) First, plan accordingly. Plan around your menstrual cycle, around your work schedule, when you can get a baby sitter, etc. Then communicate! The communication is pivotal before, during, and after, but it is especially important beforehand as this can make or break your situation. Discuss your boundaries: What are your hard limits? What would you like to try? What are some things you know you like, know you don’t like? Which toys strike your fancy? What are some names you like to be called? What are your pronouns? What terminology do you prefer us reference your genitals with? Which parts of your body are off limits? When was the last time you were tested? Are you wanting to keep this between us three, or can I write a 4,000 word blog post about it? I could go on and on.

Other important things to discuss are rules and expectations (which fall under the umbrella of communication.) Some of my rules were that I didn’t want them being in contact without me knowing, so no exchanging of phone numbers or socials, and we also unanimously decided that there would be no penis in vagina intercourse. Some other rules to consider might be: Areas of the body that can and cannot be touched (anyone say asshole? Cause I sure didn’t), if the third can stay the night, certain sentimental pet names to avoid, etc. Some expectations that I outlined were basically just that everyone do what I say. Surprisingly, this was less of me being ‘the dick manager’ and more of me being more dominant in nature. Luckily, my partner and my third are (or at least were) more sub leaning, so they happily obliged. Other expectations were that everyone felt comfortable to speak freely, to take breaks, to vocalize their needs, and to stop if they needed to stop. Also I wanted to know a general idea of what I was expected to wear and what kind of energy I was expected to bring to the table.

Another massive thing to consider is safety. Do you have any transmittable diseases or infections? Are you feeling sick? Are you allergic to any materials? Are you willing to sanitize toys, change condoms, use gloves, use barriers, and wipe down the hitachi head when switching partners? If not, seriously don’t even consider. It is selfish, and potentially transmitting infections, getting someone sick, or GOD forbid pregnant is seriously not worth the extra set of hands. Clearly talk about safety, make it accessible (condoms and toy cleaner by the bed) and don’t let yourself get too drunk to forget about it.

Something that proved to be really important to us was someone who would honestly just accept us for the freaks that we are. Lack of judgement is important in any activity where you are putting yourself on display, but especially in a sexual situation. Imagine if you came to someone with your deepest desires and they crinkled their nose in disgust? It is honestly world shattering. So, plan your threesome with someone who you know is open minded. In my case, I am lucky that I am pretty outwardly filthy online, so our third likely had some type of idea, but in the case of anyone else, use your best judgement, and have some conversations around the topic. Be clear about your wants and your needs. You want to be able to proudly ask for someone to shove a dildo in your ass, not be hesitant and afraid. Both your orgasm and your dignity are on the line here.

Another thing I would like to highlight is that although the role of the third (in our case at least) is to essentially serve as a human sex toy, they are exactly that: a human. It is crucial that you are checking in, making sure they feel catered to, and safe, and comfortable. I’d like to think this is too obvious to state, but in the event that it’s not, I will say it: Everyone’s comfort and pleasure should be a priority. Only in some fucked up alternate universe does inviting someone new into the bedroom mean you start prioritizing one person’s body over the other. Everyone is equal and worthy of respect, and just because someone might get off on being called a slut in the bed, doesn’t mean they want to continue to feel like a slut once they leave your house. Be mindful. A good third understands that that their role is temporary and doesn’t need to be reminded through negligence of their basic human emotions.

My last point to touch on is how to bring up the subject to your partner, which will likely vary from relationship to relationship. My partner and I are very laid back. Our approach to sexuality is much less focused around ‘the art of seduction’ and much more on direct pleasure and connection. Like, instead of lighting candles to ‘set a mood’ we are lighting candles to pour the wax on each other… because it feels good… you know? So in my case, it was as simple as asking directly because we are always direct with requests. Other people might need more tenderness. You might consider saying: “While I am totally satisfied with our sex life, I was wondering if you would ever be interested in introducing another person into the mix? I think it would be a fun way for both of us to explore, together, and safely, as we would be in view of one another.” Clearly state your expectations, your desires, and your intentions. And if your partner declines, respect their decision. Nothing should be forced on anyone, and asserting time and time again that you want to fuck someone else will likely leave your partner feeling like they aren’t good enough. Then you don’t get your threesome and your partner feels like shit. Was it really worth asking that fourth time?

Returning to my first question (me questioning my overall sanity) – before, during, and after the fact, I realized what was going on inside of me was that I was finally dating someone that I trusted entirely. The reason that I was able to walk into a room to find my partner sitting in bed with a beautiful naked person and not literally vomit is because they weren’t doing anything to me, they were doing something with me. If you are proposing a threesome to keep your partner’s interest, or to prove something shallow to yourself, spare yourself the energy. I have said it before and I will say it again: Expanding outside of monogamy should always be from an abundance rather than a lack thereof. You should not be thinking “My girlfriend doesn’t let me fuck her in the ass, so maybe our third will.” You should be thinking “My partner does this really amazing thing with their tongue, and it would be really hot to see how someone else reacts to it.” (And maybe if you’re lucky your third will gladly take it up the ass?)

So, wrapping up, perhaps you should consider having a threesome if you: Are secure in your relationship, if you find your partner to be too hot to keep to yourself, if you have an abundance of trust and respect for one another, if you are both willing to respect boundaries and safety measures, if you are wanting to explore other bodies while keeping your partner included, or if you are horny hedonists looking for some good spank material. You should not consider having a threesome if you: Feel pressured to, if you think it will mend an otherwise crumbling relationship, if you are feeling insecure, if you have trust issues, if your partner has expressed romantic interest in the third, if either of you have had a relationship with the third in the past (could get messy), if you are not attracted to the third, or if it is a last ditch effort to impress your partner.

Realistically, there are probably hundreds of reasons why introducing someone into your bedroom is or is not a good idea, so please note that I do realize I am only speaking to a small percentage of people. The reality just is that: like a raw vegan diet is not for everybody, like funneling a beer is not for everybody, like adopting a cat, or backpacking through Europe, or learning how to unicycle is not for everybody, having group sex is not for everybody. It is okay to leave certain kinds of activities to certain kinds of people, no matter how intriguing they might seem from a distance.

By no means am I saying that all group sex configurations must be rooted in love. They can be rooted in lust, in adventure, in curiosity – but one thing that is absolutely CRUCIAL is that they are rooted in trust. I trust that you will switch condoms and sterilize shared toys. I trust that you will respect my body and my boundaries and my concerns. I trust that you won’t turn into a pussy crazed lunatic and start trying to have threesomes weekly. I trust my partner with everything from my social security number to my incest fantasies, which means, most importantly, that I trust that they won’t go off and try to fuck anyone without me. If you have any doubt in your mind that you are doing this for reasons outside of solely hedonistic, pure, and/or loving intentions, consider reconsidering.

Now to share some gratitude: Thank you massively to my partner for allowing me to fulfill my sexual destiny, for supporting all my impulsive endeavors, for prioritizing my orgasms, and for never making me feel small (unless I want to feel small, then thank you for catering to that too.) Thank you so much to you, dream third, for making us both feel safe, for coming into our dynamic with an open mind, for feeling comfortable enough to not only share your body with us but also your stories, and your requests, and your positive energy (and for tolerating my demands and recurring slapping.) And thank you to anyone who has read all of this x so so much love.

[askemilydeanyo]

Hello. If you sent in a submission (or two) last week, please re-submit. I received two questions within a minute of each other that were drastically different (which is rare for me considering I receive 1 or 2 a week) so I just want to make sure they were genuine questions. So sorry if you’ve been waiting! x

[askemilydeanyo]

Men not having enough sex.

Hey Emily,

So I’m curious as to what your thoughts are on the discrepancy between how often men and women have sex and the accessibility to it (or if you think there is a problem at all). I know personally a few of my female friends can usually find a trustworthy dude within half an hour. Whereas with guys who aren’t looking for anything besides sex, the process seems to be more difficult. A lot of guys I know (including myself at the moment) aren’t having consistent sex unless they’re in a relationship whereas most of my girlfriends don’t really have that problem. So I’m wondering if you’ve noticed that, as well as the types of consequences there are besides watching more porn. Thanks in advance! 

Emily: Hello! Interesting observation!

Well, since you’re asking for my personal thoughts/opinions on this matter, I will speak from my own experience. * Also speaking in binaries since this is me (a cis-gender hetero(flex) woman) speaking to you (a self-identified man) regarding your question! 

To start - I have noticed something similar amongst myself and my friends. A lot of my girl friends have casual sex with numerous partners, whereas most of my guy friends are in monogamous relationships or having sex with solely one person at a time. I'd say there are quite a few possible reasons for this shift.

One prominent reason could be this fairly recent movement in which women are reclaiming their sexual power. We are now in a time where we can be more open with our sexuality, and feel safer doing so. We have slut walks, we leak our own nudes, we write and speak freely about our sexual encounters and assaults. We have a community now. Because of this, it is more empowering now than ever to demand the kind of sex we want to be having (we as a general collective, but I’m certainly not speaking for everyone!)

I also think that men are often more receptive to less ... curated (?) casual sex than women because it’s literally in our nature. Scientifically it is shown that women are more selective in the breeding process because they are choosing a mate that will protect them and their babies. Men, on the other hand, were made to procreate, so oftentimes they take what they can get (not meaning to be offensive and also this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone.) Because of this it seems more relevant for women to turn down men then the other way around. 

Another reason is that a lot of women fear men. When we are presented with an opportunity to have casual sex, we are able to use our own intuition to feel out whether or not we feel comfortable with that person. If we seek someone on our own accord, it is because we are already at that level. A lot of women have become so accustomed to men pursuing them that it seems like an automatic response is to turn them down. When we, however, are on the hunt, we are more receptive to the idea of casual hookups because it is our idea.

Lastly, despite popular belief, in my own experience the men I have tried to have casual sex with almost always end up getting attached to me. When I am personally on the quest for casual sex, the very last thing I want is emotions getting involved. This usually results in me ending things with that person and moving onto the next. The same holds true for my girlfriends. In a lot of cases, we want sex, not love. We don’t want to talk every day. We don’t want to meet your family. I know it sounds harsh, but it seems like lines start to get blurred a lot if there isn’t a clear boundary set early on (and sometimes even then!)

Again, I want to reiterate that this is all just my opinion. I’m sure this doesn’t hold true for everyone, especially for trans, POC, disabled, womxn and/or women of different religions, living in different countries, of a different socioeconomic status etc etc. Just things I have picked up from my own experiences or gathered through talking to my female presenting friends!

I don’t think there are really consequences to this ‘lack of sex.’ It’s honestly too broad for me to speak on as a whole. Everyone’s sex drive and sexual experiences are different regardless of their biological sex. It’s just a thing that’s going on now! If you or any of your pals are on the pursuit of casual sex all I can suggest is that you are respectful of individuals and their boundaries, patient, and kind! I hope this gave even a little bit of perspective :-)