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of note: good god, am i happy i apparently missed....this...whatever you call the nightmare that came up when i logged in on a whim while making a powerpoint for work.

also, i just wanted to remind all of you about apple pie flavored rebirth jizz containing ultra condoms made for steve, and pulse dampening condoms for thor's electric spunk.

also also, i miss writing, but between the drugstore, keeping up with my pharmacy tech license, starting school, and working full time for the mouse, i don't know when i'd write. in between filming amateur porn, i guess.

anyway. find me on disco if anyone still uses it. vesta hashtag 9803 and if not, you can just ask here or there for my number and i'll just text you. i'm full of disney stories now. i straight up love being a cast member.

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Why is 'merlin's cock' so much funnier then 'merlin's beard'?

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you know, it's taken me a hell of a long time to recognize that when i invalidate my own trauma, when I minimize my own pain, when i shame myself for exaggerating, for being melodramatic, for desperately seeking attention and sympathy, I'm doing so much more then just concentrating and compounding my pain.

'cause if it IS just in my head, if i really did blow things out if proportion, if nothing i've felt, carried, or allowed to undermine even my basic ability to trust ANYBODY was just in my head? ok, good.

if it's not real, there isn't anything to process, to work through. it took me close to a decade before i even got a comprehensive diagnosis. more than enough time to stunt emotional growth, to handicap myself so badly in terms of my emotions and relationships. so much time wasted, and that's the hardest thing to come to terms with. and now that i'm finally trying to get help, looking behind me and at the 15 1/2 years of stagnation, and i panic. i know how much work still to do. i won't have time for all the things i dreamed about as a kid. there is actually something wrong here. and the only one to blame is myself.

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i'm going to go paint the command center of the lighthouse. if you have suggestions, make 'em now.

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ok, so y’all can be mad at yoyo about the whole coulson thing- you know, like the rest of the team comprised of the only people left in her life, the family she found when the world at large turned on her, when her friends and family turned their back on her. the only people who have the faintest idea what her world had become. you can be angry that she wanted to let coulson die, even if, you know, the act could break an endless loop of death, destruction, and subjugation of the fragile survivors of a broken earth. i mean, you’d be wrong, her team WAS wrong, and you could could be as wrong as they were.

but i think what gets forgotten- ESPECIALLY  by the rest of her team- the survivors after talbot goes all deviled egg on the planet have grim lives. it’s no vacation. but they have all that time together. fitz-simmons have a daughter. may adopts a daughter.

yoyo...there isn’t children to raise in a prepper’s wet dream of a bunker. there’s no time for her to make the best of a nightmare world, no sense of peace, just a heartbeat long, in the arms of someone who loves her. yoyo...doesn’t get to have any of that. what yoyo gets?

death. death, resurrection. death, resurrection. feeling every death as completely as the ones before, and the ones to come. dying, the way she does, is hell enough, but the agony of getting brought back is worse, i suspect. and that is all she’ll ever have. she knows it. an endless cycle. her punishment, for having failed, again, to change the past. she’s still THERE. she’s still suffering, she’s still dying, she’s still having her blood drawn from her to give birth to generations of children who only know cruelty and fear and hunger. children whose only value to the beings who control every bit of their lives is as livestock, or if they’re exceptionally unlucky, as slave soldiers. the team lives that nightmare for awhile. barring breaking the loop, yoyo lives that nightmare forever. no peace. no light. no family. no friends. no love.

she never really points that out. of all the things she brings up, it’s not her own suffering. and the fact that no one seems to realize the very personal toll she faces.

anyway. it’s obvious i’m rewatching aos. my heart hurts.

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in terms of the entirety of agents of shield, i’mma admit it- general hale is my fave. not because she’s better than the others, some of the others are far cooler, but hale stands out to me in a few ways.

in a medium not known for allowing minor characters enough backstory and screen time to justify their actions, they honestly gave hale more actual development than they gave some members of the team who were there for seasons. hale got the time for character development, REALLY complex development. everything she does makes sense all on it’s own because we have the whole puzzle. look at the bigger picture. look at the subtle picture. baby hale should have gotten all the awards. general hale was such a blatant commentary on women in traditionally male roles having to do more work to be considered some kind of equal, only to spend the rest of their time doing that work being cut down, undermined, dismissed. tack on the fact that in spite of her potential, and let me tell you hale was hand over fist ahead of her male counterparts, she doesn’t even make it out of the hydra academy before she’s reduced to a womb whitehall wanted to fill with a gravitonium infused hydra knockoff steve. her face. it actually hurts to watch it. realization settling in the pit of her stomach, reminding her that her accomplishments were nothing, that she was just the same as all the other girls in her year who just dropped out. 

like i said, baby hale deserved ALL the awards. you can SEE the walls closing in on her, and i firmly believe that before she even was artificially inseminated, she knew her child- her daughter- would know that soul crushing revelations in her own time. 

she was not mother of the year. (”you’re a disappointment.”) neither hale nor ruby have the faintest idea what healthy relationships are. and general hale is the most aggressive stage mom ever- but in any case. she’s still my fave.

final note- it’s not consistent really, but you might note how many of the female characters drift in and out on the show have fleshed out stories, just casually there, like they didn’t need to point it out, and weaves into the storylines the way their male counterparts historically were given. chew on that for a mo.

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avp est 1997 | forever expanding, exploring, creating and recreating.. original works, fandom interpretations, active collaborations. @themeandvariation​

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i would pay a million hugs just to see the entire arc from agent davis from the very start, through mike peterson dragging him to the nearest reasonably honest underworld doctor after aida tried to kill him. the doctor being forced to think outside the box, making do with electronic components, repurposed and off book application, not top shelf product, but enough to get by. mike being there for davis, as he struggles to adjust to the new bits of himself, kind of becoming a support group of two, and while they add other agents as they come across them, the only true constant is davis and his bff mike, although they’re almost never in the same place at the same time. actually, the last time they saw each other was at a church, for the baptism of little charlie davis- he who has a space pen from his dad’s travels in, well, space- because mike is charlie’s godfather.

oh, and davis? of course that dumb bitch didn’t kill him. davis is way sturdier than that. yeah, he took some serious damage, but again, and as always, he walked right back into the fight after a nap.

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i’m either the laziest bitch on earth, or i just stumbled onto the best thing i’ve ever done in the tumblr rpc. who the fuck knows which it is.

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the agents of shield crew, from coulson to daisy clear through to yoyo, robbie, deke and davis - with a bonus sousa- are all mcu canon, and disney can pry that fact from my cold, dead hands.

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i’ll take the shot for you.          i’ll be the shield for you.          needless to say- i’ll stand in the way                   and take the shot for you

an indie mcu based steve rogers  heart kickstarted again august 2021 still clearing rubble ahead of reconstruction- a bare fucking minimum establishment printed under hesymbolized, an imprint of vesta productions

when you need a friend, when you need a hand, when you need a can (of garbage on fire)- vesta is there. 12 minutes can entertain you 12% or more. follow today.

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Knocked @hesymbolized down to dash only and cleared everything in the asks and drafts. Soft reboot, in other words. When I've got him sorted and able to interact, I'll do the same here. I think there will be some thinning of the herd. details at 11.

I'm also working on a big ass oc thing sort of on the side. If it pulls together, I might bring a few out here for test runs of personality and interaction with others.

I really miss y'all.

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peggy carter, nick fury, phil coulson, jeffery mace, mack mackenzie, and deke shaw all walk into the boiler room at the scitech campus of shield academy…

oh, my soft boy, you’re in the big leagues now.

deke will look so precious with stress-induced grey hair.

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hey.

hey, you.

the world is weird and occasionally terrible, but there’s one true thing i know.

you matter more than you could ever know.

(and a bonus thing- i love you.)

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         and if I only could, i’d make a deal with god, and I’d get him to swap our places.

                         steve rogers, as portrayed in the mcu, with embellishment..

                                                       a vesta production. 

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   take broken people. put them together. add two parts trauma with one part laughter.                               serve the new family with ice cream and love.

a multimuse housing mcu & marvel silver screen muses.

a vesta production

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peggy carter, nick fury, phil coulson, jeffery mace, mack mackenzie, and deke shaw all walk into the boiler room at the scitech campus of shield academy...

oh, my soft boy, you’re in the big leagues now.

deke will look so precious with stress-induced grey hair.