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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) dir. Michel Gondry 

[asta-ri]

BUILT THIS WAY.

Hi I’m Astari, I survived chronic ITP aaaand here I go writing shits.

I was in 4th grade when I was diagnosed with chronic ITP, doctors ran some tests including bone marrow picture (they took my bone marrow from my hips with big ass needle) to diagnose my illness…they came up with few possibilities (cancer, lupus, ITP) and chronic ITP was the best scenario I’d have. My doctor was Prof. Moeslichan, one of few doctors who specialized in pediatric hematology. I was under medication short after, few drugs I forgot the names but all of them were steroid kind of drugs. It made me sick, nausea, gaining weight, sweating, rash, stretch marks, and I felt like giving up with this medication.

But I had to survive.

Seeking 2nd opinion from National University Hospital in Singapore, they prescribed me milder meds not to ruin my hormones. Ran some tests again, and a lot of doctor appointments. I came back to Indonesia to continue school and normal life, tho I couldn’t get involved in so many outdoor activities. I had to go for blood tests everyweek, to see my progress…my platelet count reached the rock bottom of 8.000 (150.000 – 400.000 in normal) so the milder meds was not an option anymore, back to me being sick everyday to actually heal another sickness. Resulting me gaining weight A LOT, stretch marks everywhere, chance of diabetes, and hormones imbalance.

I was only in 5th grade when I worried that I wouldn’t get my period ever because of my medication. I went to pediatric endocrinologist, dr. Aman Pulungan, to make sure my hormones were all okay. Thank God there was no significant imbalance in my hormones, no diabetes sign and everything was great. But I felt like it was better for me to stay at home because I looked ugly, I had pimples, I had stretch marks (still have plenty), I had everything that soon-to-be-teenager would never wish to have, safe to say that I had 0 level of confidence. My mother was the one that always push me forward, giving me all the strength she had to keep me standing on my feet, telling me that I looked as beautiful as others.

Back then I remembered my friends back in Children Wing in St Carolus Hospital, most of them were the unfortunates, their parents didn’t have a lot. I had one friend I remember, her name is Tiara and I wish she is still alive, she had ovarium cancer in the age of 8 years old and her room was next to me. We played everyday, read some stories and just laughed about our day. She was one of the children in our wing, many of them suffered from those illness I thought I only saw in TV. I remembered their spirit, and their parents’s too…they played along, they were like normal kids, they were funny, and I wish they survived. They would be in their 20s right now. That period of time kept me going, I was back to school and live normal like others. I didn’t complain much about my appearance, I didn’t wish I was any different, and I didn’t wish that those things had not happened to me.

Now, I embrace myself with all the stretch marks and how I’m built. These are things that keep me alive, it’s like a constant reminder that I made it through my worst days. I want to prove that no matter how you are built, if you are determined to do something…fuck it! Go for it, go all the goddamn way with what matters (quoting Hemingway). There’s no limitation of yourself, let alone your excuses.

Run the miles, hike the hills, dive the deep, stay healthy, find yourself from within, explore and learn each day. I never wish that I was skinnier, prettier, taller, and all temporary extent to visual sight. I wish I realized it earlier that it doesn’t matter, and I could do big things for myself from the beginning.

I wish we can always radiate kindness and happiness to our surroundings, everybody has untold stories and being nice to each other won't hurt anybody :)

[asta-ri]

“Everything happens for a reason.”

[asta-ri]

I am sorry, but I miss the normal you. Before this obsession, when we had conversations, remember? This whole ranking thing, just comparing yourself to people who only pretend to be happy.

Black Mirror - Nosedive

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Aftermath

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[x]

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“I love you more than words. And I am a big fan of words.” ― Submarine (2010 film)

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I’m letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I’ll hit back. It’s a classic rope-a-dope.

[asta-ri]

APD

Jan 8th, 2017

[asta-ri]

Insights on: Wants and Needs

Sometimes we are blinded by what we want and confused ourselves of what we really need.

Maybe in life you don’t need much gold to cover up your sadness, maybe all you need is genuine people who loves you. Or maybe you don’t need parties and crowds to make you feel alive, you need give yourself a break for chasing that and find peace within yourself. Go out, take new adventures and find new things that you love.

Seek friendships which are real, you don’t need popular friends to acknowledge your existence. They might be your friends also, but don’t push away those who really loves you for the sake of temporary tendency.

You don’t need $$$ to make people see you, it’s the way you carry yourself. Have enough.

And you don’t need $$$ to make you feel better, find new perspectives of happiness, find new perspective of your value.

Be grateful of who you are today, if your past moments flash before your eyes…you’ll know that you’re enough and nothing is better than being enough for yourself.

Have a nice weekend, earthlings

[asta-ri]

beautiful animals here

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