astromanaught-blog

[astromanaught-blog]

Friendship at 30.

It's weird getting older. I’ve always been told when you are younger that “you’ll get wiser with age” and “it just takes time to figure things out”. And while that is certainly true, and there are things now that I look back on and wonder what the hell I was doing, there are so many things I just don't understand. Friendship, for me, is one of them.

I’ll be honest. The last few years have been really rough for me. I had a really demanding job, that ate 50-60 hours a week of my life, go and throw me out on the street to save some money. I spent 6 months working at a car lot selling used cars for a registered pedeophile. I’ve had both my awesome cats pass away unexpectedly within 4 months of each other. I’ve somehow re-developed epilepsy after not having a seizure in over 20 years, to have 3 of them within a 6 month period. It's been trying times.

Don't get me wrong, there have been good things too! Having Xander means the world to me, and starting my new job has been great! I bought a new car!  But, there's always this thing eating at me in the back of my mind.  “Man, I wish I had someone to help me through this.”

I’ll make something clear of the bat. I don't mean my loving and caring wife. Leigh has been great, and we’ve grown closer the last few years, mainly in-part of this. I appreciate all she's done for me, and couldn't ask for more.

Alright, so we’re four paragraphs in, and i haven't gotten to the matter at heart - I feel like I have no good friends. Sure, there are people I consider friends, and have hung out with, but I’m no one’s best friend. I’ll never be a best man in a wedding. No one calls me first to see if i’m doing something this weekend. No one tells me “you gotta be here for this!”. No “i'm upset you’re not going to make it”. While I might consider other people friends, i beginning to realize that that feeling is not reciprocated. Its this nagging feeling in the back of my head that, no matter how much I try, i’ll never make friends. It's the one thing i can say that i may have gotten worse at as i got older.

I will admit, that i’ve never been the best at making new friends. For that matter, most of my friends from high school was friends with, or at least knew, in elementary. Going further, most of my friends in my 20’s were friends that i was friends with in high school, or at least knew them from school. As i’m nearing 30, I can honestly say that i’ve made no friends that i could text or call and see if they’d want to hang out with since high school. Sure, i’ve met people, and am “facebook friends” with quite a few new folks, but, none who have made it up to the good friend category. There are even a few gaming friends that i’ve made,  but as I grow older, and am gaming less and less, these people are more and more in my rearview mirror.

I’m a guy who is basicly 30, who has diversified his hobbies quite a bit, and am into alot of things i didnt think i would be 10-15 years ago. I love golfing! It's fun! I’m terrible at it, but it it's something i enjoy. Guns! Didn't think i’d be one to enjoy reading about, collecting, and shooting guns. But i do! Board, and tabletop gaming! It wasn't something i was really exposed to much until the last 5 years, but i really enjoy it! Movies! While this has dropped off since the podcast ended, i still really enjoy movies, and the production, review, and process that goes into making and viewing them. I still watch media with a very heavy critic's eye. But none of it has made any me any gains in the friendship department.

In the two years, I’ve only been asked to hang out maybe 4 times. Once or twice to see a movie, and once or twice to go golfing. That's not to say i haven't hung out with people though, because i certainly have. But it's always me that has to initiate hanging out. Writing this out sounds kinda pretentious, like “HOW DARE YOU FOR NOT CRAVING MY PRESENCE!”. It's not that at all. It's the feeling that i’m always an afterthought. I’m always the “oh yeah, we could invite him too” guy. And even then, that's only happened a handful of times. And it's not for lack of trying. I’ve tried on multiple occasions to invite varied groups of people over to watch movies, go out for drinks, play board games, etc etc. and while it worked a few times. Now i’m to the point where no one is even responding to my invites.The most frustrating part is I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.

That's the driving force behind me writing this. I’ve gotten to the point where i don't even see the point in asking people to hang out, because they’re not even showing enough interest in saying no. they’re not even responding. Its happened 3 times in the last 3 months. Its one of the most frustrating things in the world to just want to have someone who you can hang out with and relax, or talk to, or go do something with, and no one wants to have anything to do with you. I’m not a super needy person ( at least i don't think so) it's been an entire year since the last person asked me to hang out.It's to the point where i feel like giving up. What's the point, ya know? I can only put so much effort in before it's just me forcing people to hang out with me.

Again it all comes back to getting older. I’ve changed a ton from high school. I’ve really strived to be less awkward, and be able to hold my own at talking to and with people in situations that would have given me panic attacks before. I’ve tried to be as nice and inclusive as possible, and make sure i never am a burden or freeloader. I’ve changed as much as i can while still being me, and i still can't figure out how to make friends. If anything, i’ve gotten worse at it. Maybe this is just getting old. Sitting at home, alone, waiting to die. There has to be more to life, there has to be some sort of breakthrough. But right now i don't see light at the end of the tunnel.