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aswefindourwayback · 3 days

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Pit In My Gut, In The Shape Of You

Authors Note: this is an AU where spence is a song writer 😀 i know, crazy. but whatever. this does have a part 2 so lmk if that’s something yall want to see. also this part one isn’t really focused on spence, its more focused on the girl. part 2 would be more spencer focused. hope yall like it! feedback is always appreciated.

wc: 5373

Warnings: stupid man (not spence) who says some mean things

They were best friends. Everyday, they were stuck to each other's side. Whether they were out on adventures, or just at home watching the worst rom-coms ever made. They never got sick of eachother. She always feared that those who loved her, would eventually grow to hate her and get annoyed by her. That even the little things she did, would result in them leaving. Because they have before. But he never left. He stayed by her side for 3 summers.

But then something changed. He stopped asking her about her hobbies, her interests, her days. He stopped kissing her goodnight. He stopped bringing her lilies, her favorite flower. And one day, he just seemed to stop loving her. Then one day, he just left without a word. All he left in their two bedroom apartment was a note saying “I can’t do this anymore”.

She had noticed the change in his behavior, but she thought it was just a rough patch that most couples go through. She thought everything would go back to normal. She thought if she tried enough, he would stay. She stopped going on tangents about anything and everything. She took on less hours at work to try and cook for him everyday. She tried to make plans with him. But he wouldn’t give her the time of day. She wondered what she did wrong. Was it something she did, something she said. Did she talk too much? Did he start to think her obsession with things was weird? Or did he simply just fall out of love with her? What could she do to change and bring him back.

The day he left, was the day her whole world fell apart. She quit her job, stopped taking care of herself, and stopped seeing her friends and family. Those around her grew worried, but there was nothing they could do. They couldn’t get her to eat, bathe, or even open the door to their her apartment.

2 years pass and Elaine has managed to move on. Now she has a new amazing job that she loves and some new friends. She moved out of the two bedroom apartment she once shared with her past lover, and moved into a one bedroom apartment that she absolutely adores. She has decorated it to be somewhat like her dream apartment. She’s got bookshelves lining a whole wall, the bookshelves filled with all of her favorite books and some memorabilia she’s gathered from traveling and from sharing memories with friends and family. The rest of her walls are filled with posters and pictures of things from her interests to friends and family.

She still fears that if she puts herself out there, that people will start leaving her again, and she doesn’t think she can go through the heart break again. She has closed herself off in some ways. She stopped sharing her interests with people, when asked about her day, she keeps it to a minimum. If she saw a rat on the subway on her way to work, she would say so. But she would refrain from talking about how it was the size of her arm and that it was carrying 2 slices of pizza on its back. Something else that she had started doing that she hadn’t noticed was that she started dressing in more bland colors. No more rainbows, sparkles, odd patterns, but more basics in black, white and beige. All the colors and patterns can come off too strongly to some people, better to keep the brightness to a minimum. But she is happier now. Happier than she was 2 years ago at least.

Elaine now works at the biggest music production company in the country, hoping that one day, she will be able to touch people's hearts with her music. One day, as she is on the way to a coffee shop during her break, she sees him. She sees his brown curly hair and his favorite jacket, waiting in line to order his favorite, an iced latte and a slice of banana bread… Zeke.

As she stands and stares in the doorway, she sees someone walk up to him and wrap an arm around his waist. She’s blonde and absolutely gorgeous. Probably the most beautiful woman that she’s ever seen. Whilst she examines the woman, she notices something on the woman's ring finger. A ring. An engagement ring. Simple, but elegant.

Elaine debates whether she should leave or stay and order her coffee. Before she can make her decision, he turns and spots her. He stares at her. She can’t seem to read his face. The woman whispers something into his ear and he looks down at his fiance and laughs. He turns back around to order their drinks.

Elaine stood there, motionless, wondering did he forget me? Is it that easy to forget me? What we had? Or did he just not want to acknowledge me? He’s obviously moved on, so should I. Maybe I should start seeing someone.

It was now Elaine’s turn to order, she stepped up to the cashier and ordered her usual, an iced coffee and a cheese danish for herself, as well as an americano and blueberry muffin for her coworker, to go. Once she paid, she stepped to the side and waited for them to call her name, indicating that her order was ready. As she waited, she tried her best to not acknowledge him. She didn’t look in his direction and didn’t stand near them. But he kept taking small glances at her. She could see this out of the corner of her eye and didn’t understand why he was doing this. Was it to see if she was jealous, if she was still heartbroken? Maybe he was trying to get a rise out of her.

Her name was called by one of the barista’s and she picked up her order and walked out the door as fast as she could. As soon as Elaine stepped out the door, it felt like she could finally take the breath that she didn’t realize she was holding. Before walking back to work, she looked back at him, but he wasn’t looking. Instead, he was pulling the woman, his fiance, close and kissing her, as if he knew Elaine was watching, wanting to make her feel some way.

As soon as she got back to work, Elaine dropped off the muffin and coffee at her coworkers desk. She was making her way back to her desk when her coworker, spencer, the one she had bought a muffin for, walked up to her and told her that their boss wished to speak to her. spencer gave her a shy smile as he walked away. Elaine raced to her boss’s office where she was told that she had to write a song for one of her favorite artists. She was told to write a ballad about being heartbroken, a song that would make people's hearts sink when they listen to the song. She told her boss that it was no problem, not wanting to be a disappointment. She immediately got to writing. She sat in one of the small studios in the building and began writing. She wrote lyrics as she played various chords on the piano. She worked for hours on end until the sun began to rise again. She hadn’t eaten or slept, but she believed she had written one of her favorite songs yet.

Once she had finished writing the song, she noticed it was 5 am. Elaine decided to race home quickly to refresh and then come back to the studio to show her boss the song she had just written, to get her boss's input. To say she was nervous was an understatement. As much as she loved her job, she hated having to share her work, for fear it would not be well received. She fears that the songs she works on aren't enough. But she pushed through her doubts, because at the end of the day, if she doesn’t believe in herself, then no one will.

She played the song for her boss, and they loved it. They told her to immediately record a demo of it and send it to the client. With that, she got to work. Stepping into one of the studios, the girl found spencer, the blueberry muffin lover. She immediately raced to him with excitement, telling him about how their boss loved the song she had written and wanted her to record a demo for it and send it to her favorite artist.

“That’s amazing! I’m not surprised honestly, you’re an amazing songwriter and musician. It was only a matter of time before your talent was recognized.” he smiled softly at her.

With the help of a producer, she recorded the demo and had it sent to the client, who absolutely loved it and wanted it to be the first single off their new album. Elaine was ecstatic because not only did she love it, but so did her boss and her favorite artist. Soon after, the client came to the recording studio in the building and started recording the song with the help of the girl and a few producers.

Once they had finished recording the song, the client stood there in silence. Elaine felt like she was melting in that studio, full of people she respects and admires. What of it turned out that they didn’t like the song anymore? That they didn’t want it anymore? What if they wanted someone else to write a song for them?

Finally, the client spoke, looking right at Elaine “You know, I don’t think I’m doing this song justice. I think you should record it, properly, and release it under your name. You’ve got an amazing voice and incredible song writing skills. I don’t think it’s fair of me to take this song from you.”

Elaine thought she was being messed with but after a few moments, realized that the client was being serious. It took a bit of convincing, but Elaine agreed to releasing this song under her own name. Of course she was shitting bricks at the thought of putting herself out there as a singer, but it was something she was excited for. For the first time in a long time, she felt like she was on the right path.

Leading up to the release of her first single, there were countless meetings and dinners with important people. People who had power in the music industry. So many contracts that had to be signed. She began to doubt whether it was something she was worthy of. All these people were taking a big risk in working with her. What if she turned out to be a waste of time, money, and effort.

One specific day, while she worked with lawyers and managers on getting her new career started, she stepped out of her office building to take a breather and gather her thoughts. But, as she does, she sees him, Zeke. He’s standing there with his big brown eyes looking directly at her. They stood there staring at each other, 8 feet apart, not saying a word.

After what seems like hours, he walks to her, not breaking eye contact. Her heart starts racing, wondering why he’s here, why he’s walking towards her. As soon as they are in arm's reach of each other, he hands her an envelope. She reluctantly takes it from his hand and sees her name written on the front, in beautiful cursive.

“It’s an invitation… to my wedding. It’s in a few months and I want you there. I know I kinda left abruptly and you’re probably pissed at me, but I hope between now and the wedding, we can reconnect and be happy for eachother. I mean I’m engaged now and you’re obviously seeing someone.”

She’s taken back by this comment, why does he think I’m seeing someone?

He sees the confusion on her face “At the coffee shop, you ordered two drinks and two pastries. I assumed that you were getting it for your partner.”

When he says this she thinks shit but she also thinks, since he’s moved on, she should pretend that she has too.

She tells him “Yeah, I’m seeing someone. I met him here at work a couple years ago.”

“Great, I’m glad we could both move on and be happy for eachother. I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat or a coffee sometime. We can catch up and reconnect?”

She agreed. She was curious as to why he left that day. It had been in the back of her mind for the past 2 years. Why not take this chance to find out? They set a time and date to meet and then said their goodbyes to each other.

For the next week, Elaine worked and worked, trying to get her new life in order. She made her way to the coffee shop they had agreed to meet at. As soon as she walked in, she saw him sitting at a table in the corner. He smiled and waved her over. She walked over and sat down, noticing that he had already ordered for the both of them. In front of her, on the table, sat her favorite drink, but it was hot. She hated hot drinks. Even when it was freezing outside, she always ordered cold drinks. A pastry sat next to the drink, it was a pastry that she’d never tried.

“I remember these were your favorites. I’m not sure if they still are but hopefully you still like them.”

“Yeah, thanks” she says with a smile. She hated that she still loved him, after all this time. Even after he got her coffee order wrong and claimed it was her favorite.

They sat there in silence wondering what to talk about.

“So uh, how have you been since… you know” Zeke says, giving her a toothy smile.

“Since you left me out of the blue? Yeah I’m doing pretty good” she says with a laugh

He lets out a chuckle

“I’ve got a new job, new apartment, new partner. I’m doing great. How about you?”

“Yeah, I’ve been good. I got a big promotion, new house, and I’m getting married to an amazing woman.”

When he says this, she feels her heart sink into her stomach.

“Tell me about her.” she says

“Well, she is a nurse. During her free time, she volunteers at an animal shelter. She’s constantly bringing home stray animals as well, hoping she can find them new homes. One of the things I love about her. She uh, she also loves painting. She’s constantly painting something new. We have about 20 of her paintings around the house.” he says with a smile on his face. “Tell me about your guy. What’s he like?”

Elaine panics as he says this. She doesn’t have a guy. So she thinks of someone she could describe, spencer.

As she begins speaking, she smiles “Um, well, he’s a songwriter. We met at work when he was asked to write a song and he needed some help. We sort of hit it off from there. He plays the guitar like it's no one's business. But he can play so many other instruments like the bass, drums, piano, and quite surprisingly, the banjo.” She laughs when she says this, thinking about how absurd it is that spencer can play the banjo. Not only can he play it, but he plays it so well, he might as well be a professional banjo player, if that’s even a thing.

Elaine continues “He loves getting up early in the morning and going to watch the sunrise. And he loves cooking. He makes the best pesto pasta. You should come over one day and try it.”

“I’d love to. We should all get together one day and have dinner. My fiance and I and you and your mate.”

“Yeah, just let me know when you two are free. spencer and I usually only busy during the day.”

“I’ll check with my fiance but yeah, I’ll let you know. What else have you been up to? Any gossip going around that you can share? I’m sure there’s a ton with the amount of celebrities you work with.”

She hates that he’s asking her this. She told him everyday that she did not feel comfortable sharing anything she heard at work, as it was not any of her business and she wouldn’t weather business being aired out either.

“Not so much gossip that I can share but, I am currently in the process of releasing a song.”

“Really?” he asks in a doubtful tone. “That’s… amazing! I know how much you wanted to be a big song writer, and now you’re gonna be a big star.”

“I’m not so sure about being a big star.”

“Oh no, believe me, you are gonna go on to play in stadiums and sell out tours, and win awards. Trust me, I know you, and I know how talented and hard working you are. You’re gonna be the biggest star anyones ever seen." His tone makes him seem like he’s being sarcastic.

She feels her cheeks turn red, not from flattery, but from anger. He never once said he believed in her. Never once stated that she was talented. Always changing conversation topics when she would bring up her work.

“Thank you. I’m really excited for this next step in my life.”

“Yeah, no problem. I’m glad we saw each other that day, and that we can talk now. And again, I’m sorry for leaving abruptly all those years ago. I’m not sure what exactly happened but, I’m sorry. I really am” he says. But she doesn’t believe him. She doesn’t think he’s actually sorry for his actions.

“It’s okay. Things happen. People change and there’s nothing we can do about it. Listen, it’s getting late and I should get going, but let me know when we can all sit down and have dinner.”

“Yeah of course, take care.”

They stand up and hug before leaving. As soon as they touch, she remembered what it felt like to be with him. She sank into his arms immediately, not wanting to let go. She hoped that time would freeze. That she could be his for even another minute. Maybe there’s a chance he could love her again. Maybe she could be enough this time. But eventually, they did part. They walked out of the shop together and then went different directions.

As soon as she got home, she panicked thinking I gotta talk to “my guy”. She picks up her phone and texts spencer, asking him to meet her in front of her apartment building in an hour. He fortunately agrees without questioning it.

An hour later, they meet at the front of her apartment building.

“Hey, What’s up? Are you okay? Why’d you need to meet so soon?” he says while walking up to her, worry was sketched into his face.

“Well you see, I may or may not have bumped into my ex who is now engaged and then talked to him and now he thinks that I’m also seeing someone when I’m not because I need him to think that I have moved on because he moved on and he invited me to his wedding and he needs to think I’ve moved on and that I’m happy.”

“I-. Seems like you’ve gotten yourself in quite the predicament.” he lets out a small laugh. “But why do you need me, specifically?”

“I need you to pretend that we’ve been dating for like a year and maybe, possibly, pretty please, be my date to their wedding.”

“Oh.” he laughs “I mean, sure. I’m down to help you out. Let me know what our story is so that I can get into character” he jokes

“Really? Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I know this is a weird request and stuff.” She's beginning to regret her decisions and panics a bit.

“Yeah. I’m totally down. It actually sounds kind of fun, almost like I’m crashing a wedding but I'm not. I also sort of owe you for all the help at work. I wouldn’t have been able to get some of those projects done so quickly without you.”

“Oh, yeah that was no problem. But are you really sure you’re okay with helping me with this?”

“Most definitely. Text me the details when you can. We can begin scheming.” he tells her as he begins to walk away.

She tells him “Alright. Thanks spencer, I really appreciate it.”

As he turned around, Elaine swore she saw his eyes twinkle.

She goes back to her apartment and takes a breath and wonders what the hell did I get myself into.

A month has passed and it’s time for all four of them to have dinner together. They all meet at Elaine's apartment. Since Elainel has been working every hour of every day, her “partner” arrives at her apartment ahead of time so that he can prepare dinner for everyone.

Zeke and his fiance, Kayla, arrive and they all gather around the table and begin to eat. They all make small talk with each other, starting with whatever is on the news. As time went on, they all began to feel comfortable enough around each other to talk about what’s happening in their lives and how everyone knows each other. As far as Kayla knows, Zeke and Elaine were friends a few years back til work got in the way and they lost touch.

Throughout the whole dinner, Zeke tries to steal glances at the girl but she doesn’t give in. He tries grazing her leg with his foot but she ignores it. She doesn’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s happily engaged with a new job and new house.

spencer soon notices how uncomfortable Elaine is and tries his best to subtly reassure her. He pulls her chair a little closer to himself, not realizing that he’s just saved her from having the man touch her leg again. He asks her if she’s okay and she tells him she’s fine, giving him a smile that he can see right through.

They all talk and laugh all night until it’s time for Zeke and Kayla to go home. The couple say their goodbyes and leave.

spencer stays back and helps Elaine clean.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks her.

“Yeah, I just- It was just weird, the whole dinner thing.” she tries to brush him off. But he doesn’t let up.

“Don’t lie to me. I could see how visibly uncomfortable you were. Was he doing something to make you uncomfortable?”

“No, he didn’t do anything. Please just drop it. It’s been a long night.” she says, feeling exhausted.

“Fine. But this conversation isn’t over yet.” he says as he begins to walk out.

“Thanks.” she calls out to him before he can walk out the door. “For helping me and for cooking dinner tonight. I really appreciate it. The pesto was really good. And thanks for checking up on me, you didn’t need to.” she tries to put on a smile for him. But he can’t help but see right through it, and knows right now isn’t the time to push her to talk yet.

He simply nods and tells her “It was no problem. I’m always here if you need anything.” He smiles at her as he walks out the door. Telling her goodnight and that he’d see her the next day.

A few hours later, Elaine is in her apartment, getting ready for bed when all of a sudden, there’s a knock at her door. She walks to the door to see who could possibly be knocking at her door so late at night. She opens it to see Zeke. She wasn’t sure what to do. Not only did she feel exhausted, but she also wanted to know what was going through his head, why was he here?

She tells him to come in and asks him why he’s back at her apartment, especially so late at night.

He looks at her and just says “I love you. I never stopped loving you. I’ve loved you since the first night I met you. I never stopped loving you.”

She’s confused and angry. He left her, out of the blue, and immediately got into another relationship. He made her feel small and foolish. He made her feel unlovable. Unworthy.

She looks him in the eyes and asks “Then why did you leave?”

He holds her stare and says “Because I was an idiot. I didn’t know what I wanted.”

“You didn’t know what you wanted? Really? That’s your answer?”

“Well it’s not like it’s entirely my fault that our relationship ended the way it did. I mean, you had as much of a role in our demise as I did.”

“Excuse me?” She can’t believe him and his audacity “Tell me, what the fuck did I do that made our relationship end? Please, tell me. Go on then.”

“Well I mean, for starters, you were always talking about yourself. You know what, no, you just were always talking. Nonstop. It’s like you couldn’t stand the fucking silence or letting someone else talk. Like who cares if you saw a rat on the subway. It’s New York City for fucks sake. That shit happens everyday.”

“What else?” she asked, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“You are always so full of yourself. You really think you’re talented? You really think you can amount to something? You write songs. Woo fucking hoo, congratulations. Millions of people can do that, it doesn’t make you special. Just because you got given this new career, doesn’t mean shit. Talentless people make and release music all the time. It doesn’t mean shit. When are you gonna realize that you don’t matter. That people aren’t going to love you like I do.”

“Stop spewing that shit at me. You have no right to say that.”

“No, I have every right considering I wasted so many years on you.”

Eventually, she lost it. Tears were streaming down her face and she stopped holding back.

“I was a fool for loving you and thinking you loved me too. I did everything for you. Everything I did was all for you. But it didn’t mean shit to you. You kept me waiting for your love for years. And I acted like it was fine, like I was fine. I thought maybe someday you’d come around and that it would be something we laughed about when we were older. But I finally learned my lesson. I was naive and foolish to think you could ever love anyone but yourself.”

“Stop with the theatrics for god's sake. All you needed to do when we were together was give me space and be chill and hold your fucking tongue. I’m trying to give you a chance with me again. Just take me back and we can pretend this never happened. You can have a purpose in life again.”

She stares at him not knowing that to say or do. She can’t believe the audacity of this man to come into her home and say that shit. She can’t believe that at one point in time, she loved him.

“Go.” she tells him.

“What the fuck are you saying.”

“Go, get out. Get out of my fucking apartment, I never want to see you again.” Elaine said as she pointed towards the door.

He looked at her in disbelief “I walk out that door, then this is over for good.” He gestured between them, “You won’t get another chance.”

“Leave.”

“Fine, just remember that you did this to yourself. Have fun spending the rest of your life alone and unsuccessful.”

He walks out of the apartment and she slams the door shut.

The girl had a lot of regrets in her life. But her biggest regret was him. She regretted putting him on such a pedestal. For treating him like he was the sun. For years, she watched him as he tolerated her. She was a fool for him. She waited patiently, but she was never enough for him.

Her first single made it to the top 10 on the charts. Her schedule was booked full with interviews from various magazines and entertainment channels. Everyone kept asking her “When’s the album coming out?” “Who's the song about?” “Is there a potential love interest in your life right now?” “This man claims the song was written about him, is it true?”. Millions of questions, some that she refused to answer.

Her first few months of fame were chaotic to say the least. The only time she felt at peace and like she could be herself was when she was in the studio where she first wrote the song. Oftentimes, she would sit in that studio and just sit in silence, savoring the calm. As she’s about to close her eyes and take a little nap, she hears a knock on the door. She calls out to the person behind the door stating that they could come in. The door opens and she sees it’s her “partner”. She smiles as spencer walks in, taking a seat next to her.

“So, how’s fame treating you?”

“It’s pretty tiring if I’m honest.” she laughs

“It looks tiring.” he laughs with her. “Why are you here alone? Shouldn’t you be mingling with the big names right now? You know, out partying and stuff.”

“Not my kind of thing. How are things with you? What have you been up to?”

“Just the same old stuff. The only difference is that my projects are getting out slower now that my writing partner is big and famous.” he says jokingly

“Writing partner? Really? Since when did I get promoted to your “writing partner”?”

“I’m only joking. But yeah, it’s not the same around here without you.” he smiles softly at her “I never got to check up on you after that dinner. Are you okay?”

“Well I mean, I’m as okay as I can be. No one really teaches you what to do when a “good man” hurts you, so.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that. He seems like an ass. ”

“You only met him once.” she stated, letting out a small laugh. She continues “Yeah, you know what’s crazy? He came back to my apartment a few hours after dinner.”

“Why? What did he want?”

“He just asked for me to take him back, and when I said no, he told me it wasn’t just his fault that we ended the way we did. He said it was also my fault. He also said some other fucked up shit but, it doesn’t matter. He was right.”

“Whatever he said, that night, don’t believe him. You guys ended because he’s a dick, not because of anything you did.”

“You don’t know what happened.”

“No, I don’t. But I do know you. I know you Elaine. You are a talented songwriter. You are someone who never gives up. Someone who will put others before herself. Someone who is unstoppable. Someone who loves unconditionally and is also unconditionally loved. Someone who remembers everyone's favorite order at the coffee shop so that no one feels left out. You are worthy of all the good in the world. I know who you are. ”

She looks at him. Wondering if she really is worth it.

But she simply replies “Thank you.”

When she’s left with her own thoughts, Elaine starts to wonder, would she be able to sail through the changing ocean tides? Maybe. Would she be able to handle the seasons of her life? Maybe.

All she knows is that she’ll always believe in herself. Believe that there are people who love her. That support her. That appreciate her. That see her, for who she truly is.

Maybe one day.

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #spencer reid x oc #spencer reid x fem!readr

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aswefindourwayback · 9 days

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Clingy

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader (BAU!reader)

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WC: 3.7k

Summary: You tended to be very expressive with your friends when showing your affection. Whether it showed in pet names or physical touch. Only thing is, Spencer thinks he’s falling in love with you, and all of your sweet affectionate actions are starting to take a toll on his unrequited heart. At least, he thinks it’s unrequited.

Tags: there’s a tiny bit of miscommunication but not too much that it will make your head explode like it does mine. Make out but nothing grown/spicy. Friends to lovers. A bit of hurt/comfort

A/N: Not beta read don’t kill me! yoooo spence is so in denial about her feelings in this but lol so real king. This is mostly from his POV but I had to cheat a few times. Hope i can live up to the hype that complimentary colors was. I low key don't like this one as much but had to execute it cause the idea was cute.

You were starting to drive him insane. Criminally insane. You could invade his thoughts at any waking moment of his day and take over his mind. Every affectionate pet name, every soft fleeting touch, hell every time you look at him, he would replay the moment in his mind like a broken record. If he was in a crowded room, his eyes would always fall on you.

After being with the BAU for a while you became good friends with your coworkers. And with that, came your habit of calling your friends sweet nicknames. Anything from sweetie, to honey, to babes, and the one that broke his heart the most, my love.

At first he didn’t understand why you were using terms of endearment that were typically used in a romantic relationship, but in a platonic way. At some point he caught on that you were similar to Garcia when it came to expressing your love for friends. Similar to her and the way she has her own sweet silly way of expressing how she cares.

Nevertheless, some small part of his heart still broke when you called him those names. He adored your sweet caring nature and the fact that you cared enough about him to call him terms of endearment. But every time a nickname fell from your lips, he was reminded you only meant it platonically.

It was his own personal torture to constantly be reminded he would never be your sweetie, your honey … your love. But the nicknames weren’t enough to drive him insane. While it drove him to the brink of insanity, he was able to keep his head somewhat still on his shoulders.

Not long after the heart warming but crushing nicknames, you showed your true love language. Physical touch. It showed in many forms. It could show when poking JJ in the shoulder and giving Emily a high five. Or nudging Morgan in his side with your elbow. You even managed to get a fist pump from Hotch and Rossi. And of course the welcome and goodbye hugs from Penelope.

You were a bit hesitant at first to express this love language of yours with Spencer due to his aversion to touch and germs. However, you observed that he would gratefully receive occasional touches. Whether it be a hug, high-five, or even the rare ruffle of his hair -which of course would be from Morgan. So you approached him and asked if he was comfortable with physical contact.

When it came to you, he was more than comfortable. You could take him in your arms and he would simply melt into a puddle on the floor. Except he didn’t say that and his reply was closer to a mix of stuttering and rambling about how you could never make him uncomfortable and how he just doesn’t like germs.

Now he’s not saying he regrets his choices. He wouldn’t ever take it back. He enjoys every single lingering touch between the two of you. Actually “enjoys” would be a severe understatement. Every single time you ruffle his hair, lean your head on his shoulder, or even just carefully touch his arm, it was as if a thousand volts of electricity were flowing through him. Like he could light up the city even. You were the best part of his days and the reason breath filled his lungs. You brought a light into his life that made him feel safe and warm.

He desperately wanted your affection, your attention, your touch, to mean something more than he knew it to be. But sooner or later, touch after touch, he started to go insane. Somewhere along the way he had daydreamed so deep he had lost his mind.

You had officially driven Spencer Reid insane.

He was promptly whisked away from his thoughts when he felt the tap of a folder on his shoulder and a light thump on his desk.

“Hotch wants to know your thoughts on the consultation from Colorado,” you started.

He blinked back into focus glancing at the papers on his desk.

“Hey, you alright?” You asked with concern. “You look like your head is in the clouds.”

“I’m fine, just lost in thought,” he answered with a small smile reassuring you.

“Don’t get too lost. Can’t have your genius brain short circuiting on us.” You chuckled as you took a small step closer to him and playfully ruffled his hair.

“I’ll try not to,” he grinned and pushed his hair back after you messed with it.

“Well I’ll be back soon, my love. Gotta go bother Penelope,” you joked before making your way out of the bullpen.

His gaze was lingering on you as you left. His thoughts started to drift to you again as his cheeks turned pink.

“I’ll be back soon, my love,” Morgan mimicked in a higher pitched voice with a grin as he approached Spencer's desk. In response Spencer turned his chair away from Morgan to hide his now red face.

“When are you two going to start dating? You guys already act like a couple.”

“We do not act like a couple,” Spencer argued. “She just sometimes calls me pet names, that's normal for her.”

“You don’t see it do you?” Morgan furrowed his eyebrows and was seconds away from chuckling. “She’s been giving you quite a bit of attention lately. Practically clinging onto you.”

“I mean I- I don’t think so. She does that with everyone, it's not just me. She just happens to be very affectionate with friends.” He answers as his voice almost cracked.

Morgan shook his head, “Oh no it’s more than that. Have you ever noticed that she calls you “my love” but she calls us “love”? Or when we’re on a long flight back home and you two are all cuddly on the jet. How she always seeks out your company and finds an excuse to talk to you or about you.”

Spencer couldn’t speak. He had so many words on the tip of his tongue but his voice wouldn’t make a sound. He sat frozen and mouth slightly agape as his brain started to go into overdrive.

Morgan's face softened at Spencer's reaction. “It’s different with you kid. Friends don’t act like that.”

“You and Garcia do.” Spencer countered, this time definitely with a voice crack. Morgan lightly chucked. He was well aware that his and Penelope’s friendship was a bit different than other male/female friendships.

“Okay you got me there, but you and Y/N aren’t me and Garcia. We may flirt with each other a lot but that’s our thing. You two have this care for each other like nothing I've ever seen.”

Spencer was left stunned once again and Morgan could practically see the gears in his head turning.

“You may not notice it now, or hell you may not let yourself notice it now, but it’s true.”

Those words rang in the back of Spencer's mind for days. Of course on a regular basis you would occupy his mind at any given moment. But now it wasn’t just thoughts about you. His mind was over analyzing almost every interaction between you and him, trying to find what Morgan had talked about. Some form of evidence that proved what you felt for him was beyond what he had initially thought.

He was recounting all the recent times you had approached him out of the members of your team. He recalled all the times you were either hanging out or on the jet and you found yourself tracing patterns on his arm. He was rethinking when you started to use nicknames around him and how it could be different with him than with others. It turned out Morgan might be right, as Spencer realized the numerous times you referred to Garcia or Emily as “love”, but in the rare instance you said “my love” it was only ever directed to him.

The idea of you liking him back had become an all consuming thought, but he was too terrified to ask you. What if Morgan was wrong? Profilers have been wrong before. He became petrified by the idea of asking you about it and possibly finding out his feelings were unrequited. But most of all, he was scared of losing you. Scared that if he brought it up he would make things awkward and ruin your friendship. He couldn’t lose you, not over something as trivial as his feelings.

Unfortunately the mental toll this was taking on his mind started to show. Not so obvious that the everyday person would notice, but you weren’t an everyday person. You grew to know him like the back of your hand. So of course you started to notice the little changes in his behavior. His ever so slight flinch when you would initially touch him. His eyes which used to linger on you and catch your eyes from across the room, now focused almost anywhere you weren’t. The way his body froze when you placed a hand on his shoulder. The way his eyes partially widened when you called him anything other than his name.

He tried to hide his worries from you, but you could tell something was bothering him.

Something about you.

His overall behavior didn’t reflect that he was avoiding you or distancing himself from you. He still talked to you and acted around you like normal. Instead it felt like he was holding himself back from receiving or truly appreciating your affection the way he used to.

Days had passed and the team was sent on a case. While this case was an emotional rollercoaster for everyone, it had affected you the most. The victims had reminded you of yourself and the unsub and all of his delusional reasoning for his actions had hit very close to home.

The team caught the unsub and closed the case quite late in the evening. Everyone was exhausted after the grueling past few days and decided to spend the night at the hotel to rest and leave in the morning. You however, still felt an ache in your stomach from all the anxiety felt throughout the day. You couldn’t seem to relax and let that weight off your shoulders. So you went to the one person who could help.

Spencer was getting ready to go to sleep, peacefully reading a book in bed when he got a knock on his door. He placed his book down and when he opened the door he was greeted by you in pajama pants and a zip up hoodie, clearly also winding down for the night.

“Hey,” you greeted.

“Hi, what’s up? Is everything okay?” he asked, a bit concerned as to why you showed up at his hotel so late at night. He opened the door wider signaling you were welcome inside. You entered the room and stuffed your hands in your pockets as he closed the door.

“I’m okay I just …” you cleared your throat. “I know this case has been a tough one but today’s been really hard for me. I’m still wired and awake, I can’t seem to relax enough to go to sleep,” You abruptly stopped your rambling to catch your breath.

“This might sound dumb but, I’m in desperate need of a hug right now,” you finally admitted quietly.

He hated seeing you so timid and closed off. How you made yourself smaller than you were, all because you were asking for your basic needs to be met.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to explain why you need a hug. You can just ask,” he said reassuringly.

“Oh.”

“Physical contact has been shown to increase levels of dopamine, serotonin, and even oxytocin; therefore, decreasing levels of stress and anxiety. Some people might even argue that physical touch is a fundamental element of being human and experiencing life.” His other way of trying to validate your feelings was of course rambling a string of facts and information from his fingertips.

You couldn’t help but smile. God he loved it when you smiled.

“So is that a yes?” you asked since you never exactly got an answer from your question in the first place. Even though you knew what his answer was.

The corners of his lips turned into a grin. “Come here,” he says with outstretched arms.

You practically ran into him at his offer. He wrapped his arms around you as you placed yours around his neck. He wished this moment could last forever. All while at the same time Morgan's previous statements were circling around in his head.

He tried his best to push them away. He tried to tell himself this was not you acting on any potential feelings for him. This was simply you reaching out to a friend in need.

He took note of the way you held onto him so tightly, almost as if he could leave at any second. It made his heart ache.

“You feel tired,” he almost whispered.

“I am,” you mumbled back, face buried in his neck.

“Do you wanna lie down?”

You lightly patted him on the back, “Don’t worry I’ll leave you be and go to sleep soon. I just need a minute

“I meant … I meant do you want to lie down here?” He stammered. “So you’re not alone. You seem like you need a friend right now.”

His own heart almost cracks when he says friend. But that’s what you need right now, a friend.

“I’d like that,” you said with a small smile.

You separate from him and he leads you to the bed holding your hand. He sits down against the headboard and waits for you to join him.

You awkwardly sit down on the bed, eyes darting in all directions of where he’s sitting. “I- what should I …”

“You could sit down the way you do on the jet,” he kindly offers.

You relax at his words and move to sit at his side. He wraps his arm around you as you rest your head against his shoulder. You both sat there in a moment of silence, enjoying eachothers company. He was getting lost in the sweet smell of your perfume; the small bit of it that still lingers from the long day you’ve had.

He started to recall all the times you two would be close like this. It didn’t happen very often. Sometimes on a long jet ride home from a long or stressful case. Or sometimes when the team went out for drinks and you would be tired from dancing. In the rare occasions you two were like this, you would tend to draw patterns on his arm or leg.

So he decided to finally return the favor. With the arm he had wrapped around you, he started to dance his fingertips over your upper arm.

He felt you practically melt into him at the action. If you could get any closer to him, you did.

He continued tracing your arm with an overwhelming amount of care. It made you consider his previous actions compared to how welcome you were now in his arms.

“Spencer, I’m gonna ask you something, and I need you to be completely honest with me,” you spoke with a hidden hesitation in your voice.

“Of course I’ll be honest to you. I always will be,” he furrowed his brows at the thought of you being scared of him lying to you.

You let out a small, almost shaky breath. “Am I clingy?” you murmured.

This made his hand on your arm stop. He shifted his sitting position so he could face you better but also didn’t want to let you out of his hold.

“No, never,” he told you with assurance. “Why would you think you’re clingy?”

He saw you hesitate once more before you gave him your reply. “I was just overthinking things. Worried I was taking the physical contact thing too far or that I’m a bit too affectionate at times.“

“Why would you be worried? You’d never take things too far. You’ve always been respectful of other people’s boundaries.”

You sighed with a shaky breath. He could practically see through you and see you considering your response.

“Because I thought I was making you uncomfortable.” you looked down to avoid his gaze.

He was quiet for a second, absolutely baffled as to how you would think you could ever make him uncomfortable. “Why?” His question was a barely audible whisper.

“You seemed different. All of a sudden you would freeze when I touched you. You became jumpy and skittish when I talked to you. I thought I was too much for you but you didn’t want to tell me about it.”

You shifted away to face him and his hand fell from your arm. You fidgeted with the sleeves of your hoodie as your face went blank.

“You could never be too much for me,” he spoke with a soft voice. He tried to reach his hand out to hold yours but your hand disappeared in your sleeve at his touch.

“Then why were you different all of a sudden?” You narrowed your eyes at him.

His cheeks started to turn pink, “I- I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were.”

“Y/N please,” he begged.

“Spencer,” you whispered as your eyes bore into his. “You said you’d be honest with me.”

He licked his lips and his face turned red. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He couldn’t find an escape route. He had no choice but to tell you. And once the flood gate opened, he would never be able to close it.

“I was freaking out,” he blurted.

“I was freaking out because Morgan implanted this idea in my head that you might possibly have feelings for me based on the way you act around me. I’ve been obsessed with that thought since he mentioned it. So I freaked out almost every time you touched me, talked to me, even looked at me,” he rambled on anxiously as he tried to explain himself. No holding back now.

“I tried not to let it change my behavior but I guess it did and I am so sorry for that. I never wanted to give you the impression that I was uncomfortable. To be honest I don’t think you could ever make me uncomfortable”

You were silent for a moment. He couldn’t read your reaction. Your eyebrows slightly raised with your lips parted. He could only see surprise, which was typical, he just didn’t know if this kind of surprise was good.

“Why were you so obsessed with the idea of me having feelings for you?”

He could’ve sworn his heart was going to beat out of his chest at any moment.

“Because I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Here we go. Flood gates.

“The idea you might like me back became an all consuming thought because I never before thought it was possible and I never wanted to get my hopes up. Actually, I pretty much think about you all the time so it wasn’t that far from normal. ”

“You’re falling in love with me?” you asked barely above a whisper.

“Yes,” he spoke softly with full confidence.

The only change to your appearance was your eyes widened a bit more. It made Spencer's heart sink to his stomach.

“Listen, I understand if this makes things weird between us and I am so sorry. I just couldn’t ..”

He couldn't finish his thought, you were too busy locking your lips with his. It was a sweet but cautious kiss, almost as if you were testing the waters in uncharted territory. You felt him freeze against you so you leaned away, breaking from the kiss.

Not even seconds later Spencer placed a hand on your face and was diving back into the kiss with fervor. You instantly reacted as your arms found their way around his neck and your hand was digging in his hair. The kiss was intoxicating. Both of you trying to get a taste of the other after what felt like eons of pinning.

He wrapped his arms around your waist while his one hand snuck up to the small of your back where your hoodie had exposed your skin. It sent a shiver up your spine while you let out a shaky breath against his lips. You tried shifting in your seat to somehow get closer to him. With his hands against your waist he helped guide you to sit in his lap straddling him.

When you finally break from the kiss your faces are red and Spencer rests his forehead against yours. You focus on the sound of his breath and the feeling of your heart practically beating in your ears.

Your hand moves to play with the hairs at the nape of his neck. “I guess I didn’t do a very good job at showing I had feelings for you.”

The corners of his mouth lift up into a giddy smile. “No, you did. I’m just oblivious.”

“Sounded like you were in denial,” you lightly teased.

“That too,” he chuckles.

After a moment of enjoying each other's presence, you pull away from him just far enough to look him in the eyes.

“I know I call everyone pet names, but every time I used them with you, I wanted it to mean something more. Part of me would always hope you would one day call me those names back,”

Spencer swore his heart could give out at any second. He never expected to hear this from you and it made him lightheaded.

“This may sound childish but.. I never craved attention so badly, until you gave me yours,” you added.

He licked his lips and smiled. With his hands still on your waist he traced mindless patterns at your sides. “You have my complete and undivided attention, my love.”

His words made you giddy. You bit your lip to keep yourself from giggling. Although, he would never be opposed to hearing your beautiful laugh.

There were no words to describe the way that you felt. So without thinking, you leaned forward once more to capture his lips with yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag Requests: @nomajdetective

#this is the cutest goddamn thing i’ve ever read #i need this to happen to me NOW #i’m gonna be rereading this so many times #fic rec

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