at-divinebeing

[at-divinebeing]

You ever had to friend zone someone you love?

——

A good friend of mine that I’ve had history with wants to have sex. She’s beautiful and we get along great but I honestly do not feel good about it.

Because I could see myself really taking things more serious than just sex. And she’s not really interested in that.

She actually kinda wants to be my sub/sl-t kinda situation and I just feel like I’m past that time in my life where I’d want that from someone that’s not invested into me intimately. Or it just doesn’t seem appealing to me. I do enjoy sex but I’ve never really been someone who has it casual, I fw people when I feel a deep connection on some level. I may have had times where I would have been cool with something like this but right now… I can’t quite articulate why I’m so apprehensive outside of the fact that it’s just not the energy I want from this person.

Like this is someone who’s been there for me through a lot and I would say we’re very close. We have been sexual before but it’s always been a little reserved in the past. She’s someone I have a lot of respect for so I’ve never wanted to do her just any kind of way. And it’s weird because she’s the kind of person who has very high standards for the guys she entertains but she really doesn’t care when it comes to me. Which I’d see as a compliment if she weren’t also interested in taking things further.

It’s strange having to tell someone that you actually do want to have sex with that you don’t want to have sex with them… or maybe it’s not that strange at all.

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

[tmi]

Creeping up on a year since I last had intercourse. I think I’m actually an incel lmao because I’m lowkey celibate even tho I don’t really want to be

And working out every day doesn’t make it any easier. This morning I was so riled up it woke me out of my sleep 😭

The last time I had sex was ok and the person I had it with… let’s just say that relationship should not have happened. And it’s probably made me more apprehensive to initiate things, on top of being in this state of “lifestyle reconstruction”

As much as I would like it to not be this way, I love sex and intimacy a lot and I think knowing that has made it harder for me to dial in on the type of sex and intimacy I really want in my later years.

When I was younger I would go out of my way, force situations, all kinds of foolishness in the pursuit of a good night with someone who looks good with some sex at the end of it. So much of life has taught me that precaution saves lives, energy and sanity.

It sucks cause now I look and feel better than ever, I actually do get hit on but I’m being super cautious. I just don’t want to be moving that way forever, caution and fear go hand in hand and the last thing I want is to have my fear of things falling apart or being messy keep me from having healthier sexual relationships.

[at-divinebeing]

I felt a titty yesterday, never kill yourself 🙏🏾

[at-divinebeing]

Sometimes the fastest way to lose attraction to someone is to have a conversation with them

[at-divinebeing]

The desire for compsnioninship is there. but the appeal? never been lower

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

Invocation in the Forest by Gilbert Williams

[at-divinebeing]

April: LA

May: Chicago

July: NYC

August: DC

September: NOLA

It took me 35 years but I’m in my traveling man era

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

Something strangely dystopian about my uber driver being clearly stoned off a Percocet.

Everybody gotta get through their shift somehow

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

[at-divinebeing]

Ok so last night I had a dream that I met Latto at a party And we hit it off and started dating.

That next day we go back to her crib and her family is dealing with this insane drama (I don’t know how many siblings she has in real life but it was a ton of family members at the crib she was at). What ever was happening someone was arguing, someone was going thrown out, I was tryna get some cheeks but the drama spills over into the part of the house me and Latto are in and her family are trying to get her attention. She goes to help them and next thing you know I’m meeting her entire family because I’m there.

After the fight they suggest a prayer because it was so crazy and so I don’t even offer I just end up doing it. I’ve seen and heard so many of my father’s prayers that it was nothing for me to do another one for my girl and her family. They loved it and started hugging me but then I woke up.

My sex dreams are so strange. They’re almost never completely satisfying in any way. I’m either:

- trying to make it happen and something insane goes down in the dream causing it to not happen

- it does happen and it’s just constant hunching, never any actual climaxing (which isn’t terrible)

Lately I’ve been doing more reading up on what these kinda dreams mean. I’m trying to avoid the obvious which is my mind suggesting I consider celibacy. What if my mind is telling me I should green light as a porn star and actually have a ton more sex? What about that?

Anyway, I need more dreams where I’m building things. One time I had a dream I was building a well for a family that needed it in the middle of a desert. I woke up before I finished it… I hope that family is ok