atasteofchocolates

[atasteofchocolates]

I think this house might break us.

We’ve been in this house for a month now and it’s been nothing like how I imagined. I think I was pretty open minded about the work that needed doing and the time it would take. But what I didn’t expect was how miserable, vulnerable and uncomfortable I would feel. I feel like our relationship is on a downward spiral. I always knew the traits of him were there, the quick temper, OCD tendencies, the need for perfection with no sense of patience. But it’s increased by a thousand.

He doesn’t stop, he always has to do something, meaning he’s tired, he’s hungry, he’s not getting to bed till late, not spending time with me. His work on the house makes him angry, there isn’t a task he doesn’t grunt at and call a cunt. If I ask him to do anything minor, I get the look… potentially also a grunt and. A huff as he does it. I feel like he hates me. We argue all the time, and the word hate has started coming into my mind more than I’d like. Times where I think I’m starting to hate you. And this can come up more than the feeling of love. I don’t know the last time we kissed, hugged properly, did anything couple like. Any time I try, try to convince him to come settle early, he just goes on his phone for hours. I arranged for us to go to the beach this weekend, on the way there he saw his mum had washed his car god forbid and that was it. I knew what he’d be like. I asked for us to turn around and go home, after all he was driving. But he didn’t, he turned the radio off, continued to beat the van up with harsh excelleration and breaking calling every driver a twat. I didn’t feel safe in that car. I wanted to get out. But he insisted we still go to the beach as he called his mum a cunt and expressed his wish to slash her tyres. It’s not surprising that we didn’t enjoy our time at the beach, only for him a few hours later to have calmed down and to have spoke on to his mum in the phone like nothing happened. All I wanted was some us time, maybe he’d hold my hand, give me a cuddle. Inside I got anger. The same as I’d gotten for weeks previous.

He hasn’t enjoyed any of the process. I’ve had times painting, music on, sunset, church bells ringing where I’ve thought god I’ve done it, this is mine… I don’t think he’s had a moment like that since we got the keys.

He also keeps leaving things everywhere, saying I’ve had a lot on anytime I ask, why didn’t you confirm with your friend when he’d be round, why didn’t you throw the oranges out when you thought they were bad, why didn’t you leave all your coffee cups in the bowl for me to clean. And that’s not fair. Yes he’s doing thr hard bits of renovating the house, but I’m the one keeping us going. I’m the one getting our food shop, sorting dinners, washing up on the knees in front of the bath tub, taking our clothes to our parents to wash, walking Brandi and getting decorating done in the house. But I get treated like it’s nothing and all he does is come home and point out all the spots I’ve missed.

It’s infuriating.

[atasteofchocolates]

So I think that’s it for 12 winterhay lane.

After 6.5 months, 6 weeks of waiting, I think it’s over.

Over vendors have still not found anywhere to live. And although we spoke about hanging on until we find something else, I just don’t think I can do that any longer. I understand Bob, and I understand the reason he is being so difficult with viewings, picking things apart, not letting us view things is because he is comparing to winterhay, wanting to hold out for it, I’m the same. I don’t want to like anything else in the hopes that maybe this Sunday will be different and they will say they’ve had an offer accepted. That for 6 weeks that’s not come. It’s all I think about, every Thursday friday and Saturday wondering if they’ve viewed something they like, if this week will be different. But it never is. Since the new year I have been all consumed by it, first about if the renegotiation was complete and now is they have found somewhere they like. I’m not living anymore, it’s causing stress on mine and bobs relationship. We both want it so bad. But you can’t help but think if it was meant to be, as we’ve been convinced it is, then why would it be this hard.

So we’ve asked they reduce the price down to asking, and we will hold on for 4 more weeks. I don’t know what to say if the declined, which I think they will. They’ve not compromised at all during this process. First, making us wait over a week when we made our initial offer, then sending it to best and final. When the chain broke, they said moving into rented wasnt sn option. I know this isn’t true, they are making over 100K on the sale of their house, they have no pets, no children, nothing to make renting out the question. They simply don’t want to. But they also want to find the right house and apparently none of the 9 they’ve seen are any good, not even good enough to make an offer. So what, are we just expected to sit here patiently, paying more then we’d wanted for a house that apparently they don’t really want to sell.

The main positive from our meeting with them was an agreement of a weekly update from them on the progress, which they now want to stop and go back to communicating via the estate agent. I feel this is because they don’t want to take accountability or face that they are messing us about. Funny thing is, he said they’re qualified to communicate which they def aren’t, but she hadn’t even spoken to them about our wish to reduce the price which I spoke to her about this morning.

I just don’t see how this can forward. Likewise, I don’t wish to loose 3k on expenses already paid. Plus, I honestly feel it is the best house in our price range and I don’t know if anything else will match. Plus the market so far has been dead this year,

Universe, just tell me what to do.

[atasteofchocolates]

March / spring refresh

I’ve decided I need to start living. I’ve been living in a state of limbo for so long, I’ve stopped living my life, being fixated on the future.

March is my new year, the start of spring and new beginnings. I may be expecting too much of myself but I want to try and do the following over the next month.

Firstly, I’d like to cut down on my Rightmove addiction. I often find myself in a hole trying to find something, anything that could work for us. I’ve deleted it off my phone and need to try and not use it on the web. I’ve got the app on my iPad and want to set myself 2 days a week where I can sit down and have a look. I’d like this to be a Tuesday and Thursday. Then if anything comes up I like, we can view on the weekend.

I’d like to spend less time on my phone, I still have a book to finish and my paint by numbers. I’d like to reach for those during times where I feel like my phone is my lifeline. I often reach for it in times of stress and I’d like to change that.

I’d like to feel more grateful for where I am now. Take note of the scenery, the sounds the change of season. I know I feel trapped here currently, but I need to remind myself I won’t be here forever, and to take in every moment as one day I know I’ll miss it.

To eat more, better food. I want to each proper meals, ensure I am eating more fruit and veg in order to stop snacking and to give myself more energy in the day.

This leads to wanting to move more. I’d like to do more weights if possible. I would like to do 2 weighted work outs, 1 Pilates workout and then on the other days to do a mindfulness, yoga session.

I’m hoping this will have benefits, let’s see if I can do it.

[atasteofchocolates]

Needing something to hold on to.

2025 has not been the friendliest. I thought things were going better, I hadn’t been unwell at all unlike last year where I was constantly unwell, not myself and just feeling like I’d had enough.

But this year…

In the past 2/3 weeks I have found out we aren’t moving into our house anytime soon, if at all. Got caught speeding for the first time in 4 years and now need to pay £100 to book a speed awareness course. I then decided to reverse into a pole damaging my passenger side which will cost me between £800 to £1,000 to repair. THEN on Valentines my nan died… I have been constantly crying, feeling overwhelmed and that the world has it in for me. I actually feel fear about what else is going to happen next.

I’d hoped some good news would arrive today, it’s Sunday and the day our vendors update us on their house viewing journey, they’d viewed one and didn’t like it… will it ever end.

So, I thought I would try and convince myself that better things are ahead. It’s nearly spring, and I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ve had my years worth of shit and can spend the rest of the year enjoying my life and trying to recover from February.

We go to Edinburgh the week after next and I’m hoping that will bring some much needed distraction from reality. I’m also hoping, but am not so sure anymore, that by the time we return from Edinburgh we will have somewhere to stand with the house. Either they’ve found somewhere or we find something we like just as much and can move forward. Although I would like to see March as a fresh start, it’s not really. I have my car booked in the first week to be repaired, and that will be a very financially painful week. I will likely also have my nans funeral that week.

I am also aware that funerals can set me back mentally, and my anxiety runs high. But I’m hoping my goals, in setting up for spring may help.

It’s the same old same old really. I am contemplating changing my hours back to 9-5. I’d like more of a morning routine and although no one usually contacts me at 8:30, I’d like to not have that anxiety.

I would like to go on longer walks, have time for breakfast if I fancy, a morning shower if I’d like. Just have a bit more time on some mornings to wake up and start the day. Get the household chores done to start the day, things like that.

I would like to get back into my movement, Pilates or yoga, walking a bit more. I’m hoping for dryer days so I can take Brandi in the fields. Bob being home when it’s like so we can walk her together.

Who knows what the rest of the year holds. But I’m still holding out for it to be a good one… pretty please.

[atasteofchocolates]

It’s not fair…

There is a video sound going around at the moment of a woman hysterically screaming it’s not fair. And that’s the sound I hear constantly.

My last post was trying to focus on the positives, but if I’m being honest, it’s hard to focus on them. So I’m going to talk about how I really feel.

I’m angry, and I struggle to process that emotion. I’m angry because someone else’s life is showing me point blank what I never had, and will never have.

Bobs sister is buying a house. And I should be happy for her. And if perhaps circumstances were different, maybe if she was older, maybe if she paid her way, saved money herself, had a taste of the real world I would feel happy for her. But she hasn’t.

She is 21. She got a job at 19 working at her dad’s cheese factory and decided to stay there. She wanted to be a paramedic, but chose the easy option. Bob tries to talk her out of staying, saying how it’s dead ended, doesn’t use her brain etc. and I agree with that. But because her dad works there, she’s had many a promotion and is nearly on my salary already, at a cheese factory!

I used to feel hard done by when Bob used to tell me he would pay £40 a month to his parents, mainly for his phone bill. How his parents went half on his first car. Because I had to pay £260 a month, plus food shopping, toiletries, my phone, my car monthly payments because I couldn’t afford a down payment, and my insurance which was over £1,000 at 19 years old.

So I feel even more angry that his sister had never paid a penny. Not for rent, not for food, not her car, as it was bobs old one. Nothing. She’s been earning a very decent wage, and not paid a penny. And worse, her boyfriend who also earns a decent amount has also never contributed anything.

I feel life for her has been too easy, parents who don’t charge, who clean everything for her, even her car if she hasn’t washed it for months on end. Parents who have given her the ability to save an extortionate amount of money for a 21yr old. It feels even more unfair that a guy approached her nearly two years ago saying she is the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, broke up with his current girlfriend and then got a massive inheritance 18 months later which she gets to enjoy.

When they talk about things they want to buy for their house it’s always ‘well we have the money’. And the issue is, that’s very true, they still won’t get the stress of bills and responsibilities because they have a massive amount of money remaining that they can lean on in times of need. Never having to worry about money.

How come life is so easy for her.

Even with my contribution at home, I had to move out at 20. Mum decided she wanted to live with her new boyfriend so out the door I went. Don’t get me wrong, I love our little rental, even though it’s slowly falling apart, and I feel I have grown with bob, but if we could have lived at home, saved harder and faster, don’t you think I would have. But I didn’t have the choice. With every increase in my wage, my Keep would have gone up too.

I don’t understand how people can walk through life so easily and it makes me angry,

I have been wishing for nothing but misfortune for them, and I hate that I’ve had thoughts like that. Wanting their purchase to fall through, wanting them to break up, wanting them to suffer the real world. And perhaps that’s why my own purchase fell through, perhaps I’m being taught a lesson, or punished for these horrible thoughts, but I can’t help it. I dread this week, the week they get the keys while our buyers struggle to find a new property to move forward with.

I’m the one who did everything right, I’m the one who watched hundred of videos, read different information about the process, how to do it right. And they did it with their eyes closed. I don’t even want to hear about their house let alone see it and pretend I’m happy for them.

It feels all consuming.

[atasteofchocolates]

Trying to remain positive.

So our chain broke. And for those who may not know a chain is this:

If you are buying a house, the people you are buying from also need to buy a new house, and those people may need to buy a new house etc etc.

Well, our buyers after 4 months ended up pulling out from purchasing their onward house. Now, on the bright side, we have not lost our house ( although it felt like it at the time) but it does mean we have to sit and wait for several months for our sellers to buy and complete on a new house.

Now we met our sellers, and after having found out more info, we did feel bad for them. We agreed to stay and wait rather than pull out ourselves and look for something new. We love the house and feel it’s the one for us.

The uncertainty remains though as our sellers may not find another house they like, if they do get an offer accepted, we don’t know how long the new chain could be (our previous one was pretty short) and obviously, the chain could break again.

I do feel a little heart broken as we had planned to be in jan-march and after having our offer accepted in October, it feels like our new move in date is forever away.

But I want to try and change my mind set and focus on the positives. So yes, it would have been nice to be in at the start of the year, and yes I struggle with being patient but:

- we rent a lovely two bed coach house, and it does feel like home, we are settled, and our landlord is pretty good.

- potentially interest rates could drop slightly, giving us a better rate.

- ability to save more. I have looked at whether we could get to the 10% but it’s just not possible. However, we can continue to save to be in a better position when we move in and to be able to action more of our decorating plans.

- we also now have the ability to travel a little which isn’t possible once we have our mortgage. Due to having more time to save, we have booked a few days in Edinburgh. We’ve always talked about going, but never been able to justify the price. We are also looking at going back on a Norway cruise.

- I will be closer to paying off my car. The mortgage will be a shock to the system, but with my car payment finishing in October, that will be an extra £164 back in my pocket. A later move in date means I will be closer to having that money back in my pocket,

Ultimately, there are loads of positives to our very overwhelming, uncertain situation. February is busy and often flys by. March will show signs of spring and I know we will be in before we know it.

And if not, we start again.

The things that I think are contributing to feeling so frustrated are:

- not having a garden. Some mornings I just don’t feel up for going for a walk the minute I wake up. And I know it’s probably good for me but it’s not as enjoyable anymore …

- we have several unfriendly dogs in the area now. And I feel like they’re always about. Brandi now hates them and reacts back (or even reacts first) and I am scared one day she will be attacked. They walk about the Rez and the lane which leaves me walking around the block which gets pretty boring. I feel I am filled with anxiety when walking brandi and don’t enjoy our surroundings as much as I did when we moved in.

- the mud, I feel this time of year everywhere is just so muddy, our house is currently open plan and rented so we constantly have to wash brandi if we take her out for a good walk.

- storage is also a massive problem, I feel like there is clutter everywhere all of the time.

- our shower no longer gets hot, it has become very temperamental.

- finally, the road works in chard. They are due to go on for a whole year! It adds a whole extra twenty minutes to any journey and I often feel trapped in the house, unable to go out unless I want to get stuck in traffic.

[atasteofchocolates]

Feeling the stress.

Compared to last year, I’m doing considerably better. I’ve not been ill so far over Christmas or January, and no one is dead…yet. But I am feeling overwhelming stressed. Like the world is on my shoulders.

Firstly, my nan who has been causing me some anxiety for a while has been deemed end of life. We all knew this was coming, and to be honest, when it’s over I think I will feel some sense of relief. No more waiting for the shoe to drop. But that doesn’t mean it’s not causing anxiety, grief and a feeling of dread. I carry my own grief, but also feel I carry the emotions of my mother. She often relies on me, sometimes solely to talk about, and seek guidance on her emotions.

What doesn’t help, is I feel like I need to take a long weekend of annual leave. I saved my leave for this reason, to take when I feel overwhelmed and in need of a break. But with nans death imminent, I know I will need to take a day or two to process plus the funeral. But not knowing when that could be, it could be weeks months etc makes me feel out of control of my annual leave.

This leads onto the house. The house has been stagnant for over a month now. With Christmas and the new year, things have taken a while to get going. I want to have time off to sort the house when we move in, but once again don’t know when that’ll be.

I also feel very alone in the process. Bob receives all the info I do. But when I ask him to help me chase, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s being annoying (but appears happy for me to appear this way) and when I try to get him to write an email it’s like he plays completely dumb. Doesn’t know what he wants to say, how to say it and it’s ends up with him telling me to do it and getting pissy. What doesn’t help is people constantly asking what’s happening with the house, like if I knew something I wouldn’t tell them and this just reminds me of how out of the loop and therefore out of control I feel about this whole process.

Work has also been a massive contributor. My weeks have been stacked high with work. And on my quiet days I receive a million phone calls. I’ve had some of my advocates be argumentative, I’ve had to push myself out of my comfort zone as well as complete my usual week of week tasks. I don’t feel I’ve had much time to breathe since being back and any time I have had, I spend worrying about my nan, my mum and the house.

I am constantly on edge, checking my emails, being hesitant every time my mum calls in case it nans. And the annoying thing is half the time it’s just her calling to rant about her own work and how hard her life is right now without even asking how I am coping with everything.

I just feel like I’m going to explode.

[atasteofchocolates]

The last hurrah…

2 months remain of 2024, and as stated previously, it’s been symbolic to say the least.

I wanted to go through how I’m making the most of the last few months of the year, and our last Christmas in Fishers Court.

I am attempting to practise a more simple life, although this still needs some work. I’ve been completing paint by numbers and have found it relaxing and something that switches my brain off. I’d also like to read more consistently.

November so far has been stressful, but also fun. We’ve gone to the carnival, saw a fireworks display and spent time with family.

I’m particularly looking forward to seeing Wicked in Cinema in a few weeks after seeing it at the hippodrome for the first time at the beginning of the year.

I also have plans to see Paige again, I met her off bumble bff for the first time in october and have arranged to see each other again at the end of the month.

Bob and I continue to get excited about our house, and I hope before the year ends we get more progress and perhaps a move in date!

To end the year, we are going to stourhead with Silas and Emily to see the Christmas lights, and are spending Christmas with my family this year.

My hopes for the last few months is nothing but health and joyful but quiet end of year.

We will see.

[atasteofchocolates]

Hello anxiety…

2024 so far has been… symbolic.

I feel I’ve had so much change, so many doors closing, and new ones opening that to be honest, I just feel so unsure about everything.

I say symbolic as this year has shown in many ways that my childhood, teen and youthful years are coming to a close. Sounds silly doesn’t it, being 23. But to be honest, I never thought I’d reach the age where I actually forget my age, but time is moving so fast, I don’t know if another birthday has passed.

At the beginning of the year, one of my childhood dogs passed, he’d supported me through my teen years, school, parent divorce, raging anxiety and my first heartbreak. It felt like a massive change. And the beginning of the year just reeked of death, with him, my aunties terminal cancer diagnosis, my nan being diagnosed with my bleed on the brain, but a decision to not operate being made, even someone from my childhood, a young lad who went to my school passing away. Change was heavily present from the off.

Another symbol was my hamster passing. He symbolised time, my move to Chard, he was bought as my comfort at a time where I felt alone. Time in our little coach house has gone so fast, and with us looking to buy, it was like he symbolised our time here coming to an end.

On a lighter, sillier note, Top Gear, or should I say Grand Tour coming to an end, 20 years of it, my whole childhood, the show that brought us all together, the Sundays at mum’s with my brothers, being at my dads, gone, ended, no more.

Then finally, getting an offer accepted on a house. An adult, proper house. And I adore it, but it’s hard to believe we are even in the process of buying it. I know all I’ve been going on about this year is buying a house, but it wasn’t until an offer was accepted and the process has started that it’s scaring me. I don’t feel ready for a mortgage, to have less passive income, yet at the same time it’s all I want.

I feel like I’m in such a transitioning period of my life, that I don’t feel certain about anything. And that is causing a lot of anxiety.

[atasteofchocolates]

Turning 23.

Tomorrow is the first day of July and I feel a sense of accomplishment and also an optimism of what’s to come. 22 has been hard for me, losing my childhood dog, my health issues and family. But I’ve also travelled a lot, we went on our Norway cruise and a cruise to Denmark and Belgium. I’ve been to so many new places, reconnected with an old friend and continued to gain knowledge in my career. I’ve also focused on my physical health, I’ve been consistent (when not unwell) with doing 3 movements a week, I mainly do Pilates and some weights but this movement could be anything from stretching to dance to a long walk. I’ve also focused on eating more fruit and veg instead of restricting sugar.

Moving forward, and thinking of turning 23, it’s going to be a big year. I’m hopeful we will buy our first home, and who knows, maybe an engagement will be on the cards. I’d also like to continue as I am, 3 movements a week, 5,000 steps a day minimum and being mindful of my fruit and veg consumption. But there are some new goals too.

Since my last post, I have not checked my exs facebook. That’s a whole week! While to some that might not seem long, that’s a big deal to me. I feel I’m over the worst of it. I catch myself wanting to check and have started to have the discipline to put myself first. This continues with my tick tok consumption. I always spent at least 30 minutes on tick tok before bed every night. On holiday, with no signal i was unable to do this and I’m riding the wave. I have not watched tick tok before bed for a week also! I’d also like to read more, I want to finish crescent city and hopefully buy the others.

I have recently been spending more time on my iPad to unwind and there is a sense of nostalgia around watching some YouTube in bed on an evening. I want to romanticise time alone and live seasonally. Spend more time outside in summer, going on walks, and learn to unwind in winter.

I’m trying not to buy clothes for the sake of it, but to find pieces I really like and to find my sense of style.

No one can tell what will happen in the future, and I’m sure there will be negatives to match the positives, but simplicity remains my goal and to be my own best friend.

[atasteofchocolates]

Times up!

I watched a documentary tonight about coercive control. A guy tried to kill his wife twice to get out of his marriage and his wife stands in court and tries to protect him. Still, after he’s been convicted as guilty she admits to not believing it.

I found I related heavily to this doc from my past relationship and it’s the first time in a long time I’ve remembered what Blake was like. How it’s okay for me years later to still feel unsettled by it, the person I knew wasn’t the real him and that’s a lot to overcome.

However, he still has control, I still give over that control. He made me angry, so very angry and I hold that anger and resentment and wish for revenge. I want his life to fall apart, to be the more successful one. And I check sometimes daily, sometimes more to see if his life has failed. But by doing that, the anger remains, his face in my mind, his name, I know more then I should about his current affairs. And it’s controlling my life. I compare my life, my relationship to his. I get angry at Bob for not proposing yet, wanting kids sooner than before, needing to make sure my life is better than his.

And Ive had enough. I need to gain control over my life, kick him out for good. Forget his face, not know about his relationship status, travels etc.

I’ve deleted my second account. I’ve done this before only to reactivate but this time I need to get control of this, I can’t let him effect anymore of my life.

This is going to be the hardest battle yet.

[atasteofchocolates]

I’m not doing well this year.

I just have an overall feeling of negativity that I can’t shake. This want to retreat, to be by myself, push others away. The feeling of anger and exhaustion combined.

I spent the first 3 weeks of the year unwell, Covid, 2 ear infections which reminded me of why after years since the last infection, I still feared the pain. And then a general cold to top it off. The 4th week within January where I was temporarily well, my childhood dog was put to sleep, and I wasn’t even able to say goodbye. Besides that we also found out my aunty has cancer, the bad kind (as if all cancer isn’t bad).

I spend February recovering from January and started to enjoy March and the spring rolling in. Only to become unwell again. A further 4 weeks have past of being unwell, cold turned sinus infection turned cough. My body was really struggling to fight it off. My lips swelled, cracked and bled, my mouth covered in ulcers. Many, many sleepless nights.

I dislike my relationship. I don’t want to. But this year has been hard. I don’t feel as supported as I should have been. I often feel alone, angry and resentful. Then ungrateful because he’s a good guy really. Bob stays away from me when I’m unwell. I’d understand if it was to avoid infection, but it has consistently been him passing on infection to me. He becomes mildly unwell for a week and I struggle for months. We sit opposites side of the sofa, only hold hands every once and a while, don’t cuddle in bed and haven’t kissed properly in months. I hate this. But I can’t push myself to do it. I feel this distance due to the sickness and resentment built from that has made me retreat further. Bob tries, he will tease me like when we first met. But I just want him to either wrap me up in a blanket, and hold me while I take a long deep sleep. Or to leave me alone.

I’m just exhausted.

[atasteofchocolates]

Babies…

I have come to a point in my life where I am incredibly broody. It’s not that every time I see a baby I go awwww I want one. In fact sometimes it’s the opposite when I see a screaming child I’ll often think ‘oh god, not yet!’ However, when it comes to Ari my neice, I can’t help but feel like I want a little one of my own.

There are a few things I feel have contributed to this. One is a specific YouTuber who I have watched for years. She has the life I want and I have said this for years. She had her little girl at 23, they got engaged and bought a cute little house a few years after that. Now she is 30 and has a 7 year old and I just like the fact A, she got the newborn toddler phased out the way while she was young but also B, I love the idea that she will get more years with her daughter and likewise her daughter has a young mum. (Obviously this is in an ideal world) I have found that now I am 22, 23 in July I am approaching the age she had her daughter and I’m still watching and wanting that life.

This leads onto another reason which is that mine and bobs mums had us at 35. And there is nothing wrong with that however sometimes I do find myself feeling jealous that she had my brothers so young. The idea that they will have more years with her as a young mum and that Ari has a young nanny while mum will likely be older when I have grandchildren. I know Bob feels the same with his parents. I want to have more years with my children / grandchildren and be as involved as I can be, not wanting to be an older nanny.

Another thing was in January at Lyme, mum and I were sat on the pebbles with the dogs and a little girl came up to us to play with Brandi. She must have been 6 or 7 and had georgeous red hair. Interacting with her made me feel so excited to hopefully one day have a daughter her age.

The final reason I can think of was when Ari was unwell. Bob and I went round to go to a play area but Ari was poorly. She came down with her little red cheeks and all she wanted was cuddles from Sam. I saw those cuddles and it felt like my overies exploded. All I could think about is that i want one of my own.

Now, I know now probably isn’t the right time. Technically we have a spare room and are financially stable. But we are renting and our current goal is to buy a house and I acknowledge that buying a house with a child is a lot harder. I know id like my children to have the stability I never had and if that means putting my want for a family off for a few more years so they can have what I never did then that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll round up with a quote that I adore about the future and what is meant for us:

What you want, wants you more <3

[atasteofchocolates]

The day my childhood died

It’s mid January, the morning was a crisp -4 degrees. The sun just poking above the horizon, an orange hue shining through the bedroom window. The grass, white with frost, crunching under my feet and the subtle sense of tiredness from a bad nights sleep. The sun shone on, not a cloud in the sky. Birds chirping and the sound of blue sea waves crashing on the shore. Today was a beautiful day.

But within a moment, my life changed, my childhood ended. A phone call, a tear shed and an embrace.

You flew into the heavens, taking my childhood with you.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up and the world will be different. A world without you.

I’ll try and be brave, put one foot Infront of the other. But this pain… this hurts like no other.

Smudge 2012-2024

[atasteofchocolates]

2023-2024

I don’t think I have done one of these in a few years, and I no longer have a laptop so it may not be in as much detail as previous years, but I’m going to recap the positives of 2023 and my goals / what I’m looking forward to in 2024

In 2023 I got was lucky enough to go in two holidays abroad. In June I went to Paphos, Cyprus with mum. It was our first holiday together since 2019 and although it didn’t go as badly as I expected, i still don’t think I will be rushing to do another mother daughter holiday, but it was something nice to look back on. I had forgotten what it felt like to just sit in the sun, by the pool and read / sleep / listen to music all day, it really hit the spot.

The second holiday I had this year was on P&Os Iona to Norway with Bob. We went in September and it was bobs first cruise and first time to Norway. It was everything I hoped it would be and more from the unlimited food, dressing up for formal night, the calm seas and perfect weather to walking past waterfalls to a glacier. I still think about this trip on a weekly basis.

Friends have also been a highlight for me this year. I was on a mission to find at least one friend this year and I feel like I did try hard at this however, it was an unexpected message from Molly who I went to school with that meant I actually achieved this goal. We reconnected in July and have met up every month since. Things seem to be going well and I am hopeful for this to continue into the new year.

In July Silvia came to stay with us for a week. Although I have now realised how hard it is to host and entertain for a week, we did have some nice times. We showed her Durdle Door, Forde Abbey. Wells Cathedral as well as Lyme Regis of course.

Work is another massive part of my year, I feel I have really found my feet at SWAN. I agreed to spend a few days over in Dorset to help launch a new team. SWAN paid for me to spend a night in a hotel while I assisted which meant I got a free night in Bournemouth in June! I spent my first night away from home alone in nearly 4 years and I even walked down to the sea front, sat and had some chips on the beach alone too. That was a big deal for me! I then became supervisor in August and am continuing to find my feet with this new role.

A highlight for me this year has to be Brandi finding her confidence with water. I have always wanted a dog who loves water and seeing how happy she is now jumping through the waves will always put a smile on my face.

Bob and I continue to navigate through these new stages in our relationship and although we’ve not had our most perfect year, we have come through it and I am hopeful we will learn to love each other the right way soon.

I’m trying not to set too many goals for 2024 and instead trying to build on what I already have. This includes:

I have currently been doing 10-20 minutes 3KG weight workouts 2-3 times a week and have done so for 2 months now. I would like to continue to do this but to increase the weights to 5KG and do 20-30 minutes.

I would also like to spend more time independly and with friends and family without Bob. I have noticed a lot of my life revolved around what he does and I often feel sad if he does things without me as I am then left with nothing to do. Next year I would like to change that and to start hanging out with Molly, family and on my own more.

Finally, we have started saving for a house and I would like to continue to build this. We are starting the year on £3,500 and our goal is £10,000

In terms of what I’m looking forward to, I got Bob tickets to see Declan McKenna in April, I have not seen live music in years so this will be a great evening. We have also booked a weekend away in Swanage at the end of Feb and we get to take Brandi. We haven’t booked on yet, but I am certain we are going to do another cruise.

2024, please be kind.

[atasteofchocolates]

I always compare myself and my life to those around me. Specifically those I don’t like. I think that’s due to my mum raising me on the belief of the best revenge is doing well in life. And I must admit, I know that Blake has a child, a step child, potentially a house (although not technically his) and is engaged and I just think… am I behind? But then I need to realise he is 26 (I think) this year and I am… 22.

When I look at my older friendship group, okay one of them is engaged and bought a house… but the rest… I am well ahead.

So I thought I would write down some of my big achievements since the split with blake to try and make myself feel able to take a breathe and slow down.

2020:

- I got a job in the NHS during the middle of the pandemic where I sat with patients who were infected with covid, risking my own life.

- I learned to drive and passed my test the day before New Years.

- I bought my first car, and a nice one at that. A 2016 Fiat 500 lounge with only 18,000 miles on the clock.

- I met Bob

2021:

- Became an Independent Mental Health Advocate with Advent Advocacy and built so much confidence.

- celebrated 1 year with Bob

- Went to Cornwall and Oxford

- Moved in with Bob to our home in Chard.

2022:

- Got my level 4 City and Guilds Qualification in Advocacy

- Got my level 2 in Councelling

- Moved job to SWAN advocacy

- Got my own dog, Brandi.

- Became an Aunty to Ari.

- Travelled to Valencia and Prague

- celebrated 2 years with Bob

2023:

- Became a Team Supervisor with SWAN

- Celebrated 3 years with Bob

- Travelled to Cyprus and Norway

- Started saving to buy a house.

At the end of the day, from 18-22 I don’t think I’ve actually done bad and should be proud of myself. But sometimes I just can’t help but compare myself to others.

I look at Zoe and Alfie and how they only got engaged 10 years after being together. They have a child and a house and always knew it would be them, but weren’t in a rush. And I love that and in my head I agree with them. But then I see those my age getting married or engaged to people and I think… are we moving too slow? Does he not love me? I hate the way my head works, but I can’t help it.

Ultimately my goal for next year is simplicity and self. I want to work on myself, my physical health and mental health. I want to find me again outside of my relationship. I also want to save more for a house and by doing that. Making my life more simple in the process.

[atasteofchocolates]

I’m noticing a difference.

I had a super strange dream last night, one that almost made me wake up and believe it actually happened.

I had a dream I met up with Blake and Ffion (his new Mrs) it was now a days, I was alone when I met them but was in a relationship with Bob, everything was the same.

Because it was last night I can’t remember too much, but I remember being in the back of the car with Ffion and discussing how we felt back in 2020. She was open with me about how she felt slightly insecure because of how Blake moved to the UK for me, and the way I looked comepared to her (I don’t know if my brain is just being big headed) and how she was a single mum and felt worried she couldn’t compete. And I opened up to her about how I hated her because she looked so kind, caring and naturally pretty. At that time, she had everything I wanted. I know I spoke to Blake in my dream but I can’t remember much of that. More so that I wasn’t going to be introducing him to bobby but that I hope from now on we can remain acquaintances. At the end of the meeting, I remember hugging Ffion and crying, like a weight had been lifted, all had been forgiven and hatred lost. It was like a new chapter.

Then, I checked their Facebook as I must admit I still do for updates from time to time, and I looked at the picture of Blake with Ffion and their two boys and I couldn’t remember what it was like to be with him. I will always remember his voice saying ‘okay Bubba’ but I can not remember hugging him, holding his hand or just being in a relationship with him. It was strange but I feel this dream had something to do with that. I couldn’t imagine him with me anymore, I could only see him with her. And I felt okay with it.

Sometimes I do wonder if I cross his mind like I do him. If he knows I’m in a relationship, if he’s happy for me. I never will know this. But I do wish one day he would unblock me and we could be those acquaintances who crossed paths at a young age.